sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Thursday, February 23, 2017


i love being here. mostly because it is new. yesterday the only thing i did was go to lake Chapala and talk to different local people. Chapala is a smaller town. These are my observations abouit it from an outsider{s perspective. It had sort of a beachy touristy vibe, but moreso in a small space and possibly geared towards people who live in the big city, Guadalajara. The houses and building were the style where they are short and connected, made of concrete and beautifully colored. I only walked down one street, and straight to the water. I walked directly from the bust station to the lake. All I did was approach the beach, walk away from the man who was staring at me, and sat in the sand and thought, Why am I here? And of course I didn{t know so I decided to dig my hands into the sand and that lead to making a spiral, as is the theme these days. It's been really cool to construct whole sentences and complex ideas in Spanish. I could meet someone here at the hostel who knows Spanish and would hang out with me, but they just see me as a gringa. In fact last night I kind of told some people off. They didn't know that I mostly understand all the spanish they were speaking, I just have a hard time speaking it myself. so they were making fun of the people at the hostel, and me, in front of me. Which now I've calmed down I understand maybe that's okay, all in good fun, culturally appropiate, but I still didn't like it. I learned a new word, Gringisima. Like the biggest gringa, which yeah is funny. BUt I mean, I think mostly I was hurt because the staff person Peri that I hung out with the previous night sort of acted like we didn't have the deep conversations we had, and was kind of ignoring me, I think by itself would have been okay, but hearing them make fun of me, I just got up and said, "DO you think we make fun of Mexicans in America?" And it was all like.. woaahhh. stop. "we're just having fun" Butr seriously if you were to openly make fun of Mexicans in America you'd be around a bunch of dude bros, and if it was light hearted and all in good fun you'd be in Texas and that would be because you're probably arund people who are part Mexican or have Mexican friends. I don't know I just can't get that good hearted insult thing that people do. I need to get more tough. Anyhow, this morning I spoke to Axel who was there last night, and it was okay. I don't think they're going to hold it against me.
Back to Chapala... Raul and Ramirez showed me their dibujos in their little notebook and their graffiti art, and told me they made raps, and we listedn to music on the beach and we exchanged stories about our life. Then I walked with them down the street because they had to go to work. It was really nice. Because it was completely not what you do when you're alone. You don't just start talking to men or boys, but I do have a sense of you is okay and not. It was the most complicated spanish I've spoken all week. It is so amazing to get this opportunity to practice my Spanish. Such a short trip but already my spanisgh has come back to me so hardcore. I studied Spanish from 7th Grade all throughout highschool, and I studied it for 2 years in college. I've read chunks of 15th century Don Quixote, and none of that has made me better at speaking it. BUT now that I'me here, it's clear I have a leg up on understanding the language. I can read all the signs. I know all the numbers, which helps when you're buying things. And I can say everything I need to at least make it known in terribly spoken Spanish what I want. I took the bus, the city bus for the first time back, I knew 'parada' was stop but had difficulty asking how to make a stop, fortunately I could just say where I was going. I got their local bus app and that really helped last night. Yes, I am completely alone here, and I don't even like walking alon at night in Seattle, so it was awesome to take the bus and not have to walk down this major street that only had industrial supplies (paint, lots of tejas, etc)
Okay back to Chapala, the one street I walked down was like a market street. There were vendors and the sides of the sidewalks, selling corn, and meat, tacos of course. There were stores on the other side. I bought some things because I felt like that was part of the town's economy. There are homeless children here, while I was buying tacos, they came up to me and touched my side and asked for tacos, I bought them tacos, then two gilrs seeing this, asked me for tacos, and I seriously have to be careful with my money here, so I just gavce them one of the tacos I bought. But i felt really bad. LIke these are 5 or 7 year old maybe 12 at max year old children walking around touching people and begging for money. Who knowsd if someone owns them even. I don't know but How can I help people like that? There are too many things to do in the world. BUt i have figured out one thing, it is super hard to connect to people if you don't know their langauge. So I returned... to GDL-

This morning I spoke with Axel who works at the hostel while he finished his tarrea, in Classical Guitar Composition. He has been the only person I spoke to that is highly aware of the political situation in this country and willing to talk to me about it. I didn't find out much, I asked about worker's wages and rights. The biggest situation of oppression here seems to be the life of the indigenous people. It seems they have been severely abused and in some parts are the poorest people in comparison to others. I don't know much yet. Axel told me in chiapas around 1994 there was a Zapatos Army that came up and holds their own government system outside of the Mexcian government. That's very interesting and I'll have to look into that more.

Many people from all over the world come to Mexico to see the marvelous things there is to see here. I am honestly mostly interested in the people. I just want to connect and feel love. I just feel Seattle culture can be so cold and distant, and it is exhausting to fit in. Even though I am entirely separate here, it feels better to be here.

But Edgar said, no matter where you are, you will stop seeing the good positive magical things from the people and life, and you will start to miss them. He said, wherever you live, eventually you start to hate it. And although hate is not what is happening to me, I see his point. Edgar was disgusted by the recent changed in Guadalajara, he said, people just started driving cars all the time, and the traffic just started being terrible. He said people are fat and it's because they now live a sedentary life. I argued with him, that it's okay to be fat. But he said no. He looked over the roof top at one point and pointed to this estate looking building, he said, see how that rich person lives, they have that whole estate. This is a hipster part of town. And he was disgusted by that. But this morning i found out that in fact that building is a sort of museum and they have talks and lectures, it is a building that was built by a famouys archictect. And even though I get his point that the city is changing, it's interesting to note. We all have different perspectives, and sometimes are preconceioved notions block out our eyes from seeing the truth that lies beneath, which is people might just be trying their best. And it's just not real to be entirely negative.

(sorry bout the typos, they're the history of my fingers on this sticky computer)

Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Happy Hazardry Not Actually IM SO HUNGRY

How can I excrete when I have hardly eaten? But I do, it seems okay here to eat so little and I have experienced that before elsewhere in hot climates.. Or is it that the fruit I am eating in this large cup, ayer, filled me up truly, but in Seattle it is just not heavy enough? It is a worry for me that I become too light and fly away should I ever touch my own red balloon. But my red balloon darling little Nur, are my feet for sure.
I have only been here 2 or 3 days, this is my third day. Ayer, I pretty much slept in, called a few people, then went for a 5 hour bike ride and wandering around town. Guadalajara, is actually a CIty, it has more than 5 milliones. My intention was to see some of the art museums and that may still be my intention today as mostly I got lost and was enjoying biking on the sidewalks so much that I kept biking past my destination and just not caring and was watching all the beautiful people and wondering, "Will they look at me? Will they notice that I am a gringo.?" Except I honestly do not feel like a gringo. I am definitely a gringo and a person, and also a person who is from a non-gringo culture. And like my father said, to his brother last Winter at Fadi's wedding, there's no one quite like us Bruter. And it makes sense that I say I am a shape shifter this is part of it. I can't really automatically fit or be accepted, I shape myself to hang up in between close-to-you and far-away. It's not like I blend in, because I don't it's just that I can feel comfortable in a mess of people very different from me, because there is always something alien about me, the gauze over my mouth. More and more as I get older, it's hard to feel comfortable around people who have really absorbed the American culture. I wonder if it's because they don't travel and don't have the luxury of having foreign relatives in the US. I wonder if it could maybe also be that they mostly are drawn to white cultures, Germany, France, etc. I wonder if it{s because they look in books for culture, and stay at home. It is interesting to not that I have been slowly increasing my time around various cultures for the past 5 years. It feels like i am changing, and I am being more drawn to non-American mannerisms, and people, and difficulty in communication. Seeking out the difficulty like a magnet.

The first night I was here, wanting to get some beer, but it was dark and I had told myself I wouldn't go out at night by myself, so I asked very sloppily the only other hostel-er, Edgar. "Uhhh Quiero cerveza, puedes ver conmigo? Errr vamos a la beer store?" "Que?" (Here I opened my phone and showed on Google Maps there was a deposito , world beer store, and that I wanted to find good beer for cheaper than they sold it at the bar. (I haven't found it yet.) And would Edgar come with me? And Edgar got up immediately swung his heavy black back pack over his shoulder and came walked with me on the street, we almost salsa danced but I said I was too shy, "No puedo bailar ahora. I am tooo... Como se dice "'shy'?" "Timido." But I'm learning I'm a different kind of shy than I thought I was. I'm sort of like the kind of shy that isn't truly shy, just scared sometimes to use my skills. (For ejemplo i just went outside and spoke Spanish with this guy at the hostel who was in the city to get his VISA to go travel en los estados Unidos. At first I could speak then as my ideas became more complicated I got more embarrassed and started thinking less about my words just to get them out, and fell apart, and came back here to keep writing.)
Anyhow Edgar was really cute and I wished that we had danced or kissed, in fact I had dream that we held hands over some desert mountains and smiled but it was just a good hearted fantasy. Instead he drove me to the supermercado in his Chevorlet Tsuru with so many things in the back seat. He spoke only Spanish with me, and we talked and he told me iot was exhausting to speak with me. But we laughed a lot and I just found it remarkable how lonely and un-fit i feel in Seattle, like even my friends don't laugh with me. And here, I was able to have a good time with a random stranger for like 5 hours. WE fund beer in the maercado Bohemia! And a few of the beers were a 'Weizen' and 5.7% and that pleased me enough. We took them up to the roof and Edgar revealed he actually was fluent in English and French and then we talked for some hours and he told me about his life. He's from Guadalajara but lives in Colima now, and when it starts to get Spring he prepares a new trip for himself. This year he is going to France. Colima is his Winter home, but he explained it's like having a winter home where you're from, he lived there 10 years and 10 years in Guadalajara and I'm not sure if that's when he started traveling. I am six months older than him.

Slowly our conversation de-evolved like the one I just had outside. He ordered papas for me because I just wanted to make sure that they'd understand what we wanted and the delivery guy came on his motocyclico, and I almost climbed down, but actually just walked downstairs while Edgar conversed with the driver from the roof.

Curious side note, I've noticed that people tend to talk with the person serving them while they are preparing food, or performing the service, until they actually leave- But seriously people will longer with their food at the counter to have a delightful convo with the person at the counter, and just linger there even when another customer comes up, and this is not seen as rude or in the way. It seems like it's actually nice to keep the person working with some company.

It was kinda of funn... we asked the driver after he gave us our food, and we paid, we asked him to go get us a single cigarette. And he went off on his moto and came back in asingle minute and handed me a cigarette. I thought it was so amazing and Edgar explained that it wasn't because he just worked, over there, and pointed to a tall hotel like building that was probabaly 2 blocks away. Anyhow Edgar wa exhausted. It's exhausting to communicate wiht such struggle.

The next person I date will be someone who is willing to speak my language con poesia and metaforas, and mixed signals.

I've had many good dreams here, despite a dorm mate snoring pretty loudly every night. When I sleep here it is very comforting to me.

I may go to the woods today but Edgar told me not to go to the desert area I had wanted to go to, because he said it was next to the worst part of town. He said that if I went to the forest it would be much better, and that anyhow the forrest was better than the desert. I said they are just different and neither is better, but he said NO the woods are better and when he lived near Dublin he lived for 10 months in the woods and that's where he really likes to live. He was a little stubborn at some points, in an interesting way. He said when you live somehwere you start to hate it after a while and even somewhere dark and rainy becomes more appealing. He told me I couldn't go hiking unless I bouhg t different shoes, and he was greatly offended when I farted in front of him. he was supposed to bring me with him back to Colima, ya know so I could get somehwere else really quickly, not so I could stay with him, and he warned me, "But only if you do not fart in my car." At that point I sort of lost interest in him. But not really. We went to bed. I wished we could cuddle.

It has been hard to break up with Nigel. I don't have anyone to sleep next to like a regular thing, but he would always try to keep it from being regular anyhow.. I just have been realizing I do not really want to kiss anyone but I miss being held.

I think this break up has been kind of hard on me, and also my friend Kelli has abandoned me, and now is spending all the time she used to spend with me, with Nigel, which is hard to handle for me. Like I lost a boyfriend and a best friend at the same time, and the other thing. Which has to go unspoken. Actually I am glad I do not feel hard abut it as much as I did a week ago. I just feel a bit numb and a bit like, people live the life the way they want to. I feel like I want different people in my life, who treat one another with great sensitivity because I am very vulnerable and tender and soft and I am very upset greater care was not taken with me, because I wasn't using my own hands. And now I am. Standing up to people. Do a hand stand do a dandy stand, be a dandelion. fly away in the wind. The seeds they carry you there with their weight, and on that note, I better go outside and get some wait and see if today I want to take the bus to the museums, and if indeed I'll go to that Silks/Telas class at the circus school I found last night entirely randomly (I just walked by).

OH to get some weight oh to get some weight
to spit them seeds into the ground and wait
to get some galkl to get some gall to fill my belly with beans meat and all and not get too light
sometimes you go no where when you are nothing
and need a heavy belly to take you to somewhere like a target that's an arrow
like the tips of a feather balance out the stem, and together they get carried by the wind.

gotta go eat! Love, Nur

p.s if i were to read Baudelaire what should I read?

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

14 minute free write

Oh heavens.
the stars are my eyes widened and cracked,beyond knobby knee'ed boy who pokes holes into our ceiling screen
(weknow behind it there are people wacthing, our future past selves, the size of cells, the size of our screen eyes)

screen eyes scream eyes protruding eyes
windowless fingers to the salvage yard

better have a back up plan when you lose your spot, how you gonna give away all the stuff you got
only a slight imbalance leadens the weight of our material items
a persian rug gets as heavy as a piano, and it's such a slave to sling, that little piece of gold bought you something heavy something sticky, some little burden you can't keep in your pocket.

oh all the fantasies human bear on their membranes then wonder why they can't sleep when they've fried themselves with wonder and worries.

who do i love?
how do they love me?

is it real?
will they ever allow themselves to bleed?
with a blood thinner it could be easier.

a lot of talk. and a lot of disintegration
can we hold it together we imagine it's stronger than a bubble.

stronger than your tongue on ice

a warmer summer so we can stay swimming till dawn
a warmer distant mountain

a father's smile.

we hope our worries are in vain,i mean i do.
when at the end of the day I take my armour off, i take my amor, off. i take my face off and i breath in hackmy chest up so it fills withlight
and all the marbles i removed but still carry around in my backpack often will tumble out and fall like crinkling rose petals from it. and it will take all night and day's work to gather them again, for tomorrow.

well, goodbye tomorrow.
i hope you die in a way. so i don't have to bear this circular movement of earth, we can only move one square inward at a time, and one square outward. the spiral is slow.
and the sun is hot today. my feet are tired,so I wore sneakers.
but my shoulders which carry the weight of the sun. transfigure my face.
and i'm in love again with my life,simply because im inside of it.
like hey there's me
im in that little embryonic sac
hey there's me, just hanging down.

i come from the sky.
i'm trying to be made of love.
and my fingers get dirt in them easily when i walk with my family it's like walking through trenches of public suffering, then I hope one can recognize my ocean of patience.

maybe he really does love me like i think he does
and when he things too much he gets stuck, i do too
well. open palm until i figure it out.
so much love

Monday, January 18, 2016


hello world
today I am human.
(the computer i'm using stick fromtime to time are you okay with that??)

Hey dues and dudettes im here right now to write a list. a scriff of the wrist spliff of the jig kinda list about my dreams and goals

1. I'll work this job for at least a year
2. I'll see if a Montessorri certificate makes sense
3. I'll do STARS education uppers
4. Take college classes one a semester in Anatomy & Physiology 1 & 2, then Organic Chemistry 1, 2,3

in terms of creativity:
1.imgoing to work on sing songy sweet songs this week (Jan. 18 - 25
2. I'm going to research and plan my recipe for making lotions for skin care, for next month
3. I'm going to work on my poetry
4.T shirt ideas
5. Podcast with News
asking questions with the pendulum:

1.Lili: Am I going to move into the new version of the gnomestead

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

onwards alley-way shift to the side
comatose peg-leg man, woman, child, step to the third right behind the others
the food lays on the floor and it's upside and i don't care i'm right here i'm sitting down i'm wrapped around some small animal maybe even my own soul.
comatose afternoon banana
comatose after dinner mint

and we're right here we got a banana we're doing things we're moving forward we're living it up

what did i learn in those years of wastelessness
hovering in the trees

an imagine-pattern turning like the waves in a river
reflecting it's pattern bounce bounce bounce
i dip my single finger in circles bounce bounce

sure sure sure sure sure.
cesure cesure cesure
happenstance brings two robots together on a street corner minding their own business on a street corner at a bus stop
looking neck dipping too low into a journal, big enough for my face.

and we're right here we're doin' it we're movin' forward we're livin' it up
i'm sitting up i can eat my own food

"i sit up. i want to eat the sun. i am going to fly. i am going to fly to eat the sun. i will try to eat it with my big powerful mouth. it will taste good sunshine cream."

"heavens to Betsy! well we may try to come with you then. To make sure you're alright."

"nonsense outta my way."

"i didn't care anyhow not as much as I thought, i must sit down. lay on the floor. everything will be alright."

[they face one another and go about their separate tasks facing one another rather closely. just going about their business.]

Thursday, September 10, 2015

your crappy dead poetry machine your contemplative dead poetry machine
your divine divination poetry machine
hand held poetry machine
tongue licker poetry machine
death box

Friday, September 4, 2015

i feast on your flesh

inspeech signals equality divulges a basin
wrappedin flowery lace curtains divulges a window
peering hands on the glass and morning cool breath
we make hearts on the way to work
kiss unto the air our dreams and let go

the fantasy life that lives on when we step out in the morning air to exchange seats
rips out of our embrace like wildfire smoke up into the cosmos
the reality life we return to
could be a wet coffee stained car seat

i go home and pull my morning dress above my head throw it to the ground. drink more coffee. fall asleep

in dreams i follow jobs of work-destiny
jobs like mountains
work like ice cream
opportunities like cash flow-berries out my fingertips
growing trees worth of values into the soil underneath trees that already are grown

waking up to no one i realize that in a way no one but me was ever there

i'm not going home i'm there

it's me there in bed naked alone my home
my gaze out the window seeing brief images of strangers, bars of legs crossing by, hiding from me their whole

work with fingertips
they say it's not work
my job inside my body
i gave to myself

racehorses die each year to save lives from
being without racehorses

the commodity i serve as a body
i die alone

then i get out of bed, throwing the covers off in a flurry and run naked to bathroom
to sit and ponder on the best of thrones made for such muttering
my skin belches forward and swells with the discovery of my eyes, how tender flesh i am
to serve

a life of service my eyes crossed the lovers bent over

my stomach bellows in the morning wind a half-mast flag rises overhead

a twitch awakens a voice
a bell from my bosom

i go a'wandering in a crowd of no ones not anyones no hows and follies
feather-leaves fall in colors

"you haven't changed in years! what point is it to love you?!"

colors stale and bright, not new england brightness, a mixture of sad atlantic ocean duff and happy green north west ever-growth

"you haven't ever changed and i have."

how can you not work?
what could work with fingertips be?
if it is non-work, non-commodified, not even nearly a body
from which your value is devised

in response, "but i am happy with my opportunities."
i am happy with my work
i feast on money signs
i feast on your flesh.

Friday, August 7, 2015

private into public

the jaw opens and the hinges almost pop off to yawn

this morning i woke up feeling sad. because i talked to N. on the phone last night and everything was sweet at first and i think i wanted to further explain my previous anxieties abut a trip we were about to make, and upon further discussing them, i brought them out again, because this time i discussed them in far more detail and emotion, especially since i had drank one hoppy but only 4.9% alcoholic beer.
last night the feeling was slim. It was meeble and it came out sliding sideways. Through teeth. through breaths i could not here over the distance that was not covered by the sort of frequencies that phones are allowed to emit. i heard a sunrise in the background. perhaps the sunrise made the excess sounds neutral.

i had some interesting dreams i can't remeber they were about driving i think. sliding, crossing, like frisbees.

i think. well i started t cry on the phone. i was crying because i din't want to upset N. and i was crying because how i felt and what i was describing was inherently upsetting to N. and what N. was saying, how he felt I wasn't being inclusive was particularly upsetting to me. Actually it was upsetting because I felt like I had previously tried to be more inclusive in my time living with N. but could hardly find an outlet for it.

No this must be the outlet.

Apparently, I have become very afraid of doing wrong. And very afraid of upsetting my friends, and secretly holding.

i have felt left out.
i have felt confused by my friendship with others

i love you N.
i love every part of you.

i dont feel comfortable. id ont feel like i understand much, or at least i dont understand in the way i am supposed to.
evrything feels sad and mixed and mixed and mangled and sad and obtuse. I feel alone outside my family. i feel alone outside my friends, but maybe, maybe they are more inclusive than i realize, and i am not accepting it.

i feel eternally rejected.

and it's okay i really hope that.
i figure out some greater love and acceptance today

- Nur

it think that part of it is i don't trust people to consider my point of view and emotions or to believe i am working for theirs as well.

i feel like everyone gets this entitlement to feeling things and having things, and i am pushed around.

i don't know what this means.