to do list: infinity

to do list exhibition style...

1. must draw tensions in the body on piece of paper, or computer AT SCHOOL TODAY???? ON THE COMPUTER? no, not really. at home on apiece of paper.
 - tomorrow get 1st drawing from locker scan both, post on moodle, nothing fancy
REVIEW: home/paper-drawing

2. read 1st 4 chapters of Zinker's Gestalt book... where? no where yet
 - zinker youtube video
- books and videos in library
- books about gestalt / or reseacrh online

3. CLEAN ROOM
- free box, organize stuff
-get organ from car

4. Put heater in Car!

5. Go TO A SHOW

6. Check in With Claire about babysitting job.



SIDE NOTE TUESDAY:
+ blue ribbon locker 930AM @ school!!!!
+ papers plus scanners
+ post on moodle
+ go to class early, danse.

form anti form

for m anti form

basket ball | no ball no basket

\anythign you want to be/

anytime

anti - time and the never been

from/form to form/from


__________________________

Today I feel as if a huge block in my life were removed. what was feasible last week feels different this week.

I still have much work to do but I feel more confident.

______________
battle fight
form to fight
form to flight


Form, anti-form
____
soemtimes it is the dsofter momens of life when belly up jellyfish tenderpink
when belly up tender stroke swimm players
when famil times stone skipping soft quiet monet when you decide to rejoice

and i love you

what do we want? we want non-threatening male counter-parts
we want a non-mechanics system
free like string
female to male
concave or convex?
i don't care it
s just a slight of hand

a little bit to the left or right YOU TELL ME
i can
t keep these straight or spiraling right-hand rule electro-magnetic circuits
all uP in my brain
i'm a swerve godamnit \ not just random..
Unknowing, but not random, bullshit.
god damn. empty space. machine
when it
's an orb baby.
anus baby
that built the drip baby
twist and squueeze baby
..just one kind of motion.

of excremental rest


kbye!


\]]]\\\]]]\\\\\[[[\\\[][\]\\\\\]]]]]]]]

oh MY Jesus Christ iw as visited by a blue angel last night



I couldnt have a more faithful hearted Mom! I love her.

The Collective Spirit

The Collective Spirit


An attempt to draw together the philosophical idea of the collective unconsciousness, the cycles of the seasons on Earth, and the patterns of behavior for those who experience Anxiety & Depression.



When we see a cup of water left out over the day, we might notice some of the water gone, maybe after a good heavy rain, we notice the rain puddles disappearing the next day. This we learned in school is evaporation, one of the Earth's many processes that show us that nothing dies and everything is connected. When energy cannot be created nor destroyed, where does it go? And how many cyclical processes can we observe through their effect?

The water in the rain puddles travels into the surrounding air, but we notice this influence by the lack of puddle still around. Sometimes we notice by the feeling of extra moisture in the air, on our skin. But we do not see the travel, the transformation, so often. Mostly, we sense the processes of nature by how it affects us, and what the outcome of it's effect is.

Another example, is the barometric pressure system entering into our area.


Everything is affecting us! We are to be a fool if we are to ignore this! Positive? Negative? Left? Right? Forward or backwards.. Does it matter if science teaches us the categories for our perception? What about how it feels I mean this is America. I want a hamburger and the pill that helps me to forget the sensation of eating the hamburger. I want a hot shower every morning. No thing is really positive. The shower is an experience; The temperature is the . The up direction could just as well be experienced as down. What really makes sense? What can we hold onto that will bring us happiness?
I say we are part of a very large non-mechanical system. Not a single event passes unmarked and unable to mark. The swish of movement, whether it be time space matter emptyness, is felt universally. Depending on the focus we have of that movement, it may be central, it may come from an 'external' source, it may be universal, or it may be relative, it may be universal in auniversal way.

i hate organizations and I'm not a hobo

there's nothing more disgusting to witness than a crowd of intellectuals gathering officially with posters to
talk
about writing






i hate the way we forget how to commune with each other when we're not doing it "officially"
get your teachers far away from where ever you are
pay them money
lectures only allowed if you sign a bunch of paperwork
trees don't get to party

crush plans
crush the man


just gimme some sweet oscillations to keep me asleep at night
http://dreamcrusher.bandcamp.com/track/another-sun-in-my-mouth

SHAKE THAT BOOTY EARTH

um um um um this: http://dreamcrusher.bandcamp.com/track/dracula-meets-the-lorelei

uhhhhh

http://dreamcrusher.bandcamp.com/track/ghost-orchid-another-scrying-formation

OH MY THIS IS ecstasy

the thing is

I don't know if i relate to anyone except through their own suffering.

Love for me may be more similar to empathy.

I allow myself to be saved and want to save others.

I cannot talk, but feel blood.

I desire connection through the physicality of our bond, not simply metaphysically or spiritual.
But I must hide until it is time to help or serve others.

Invitations are open to every heart that bleeds. But I can offer no camaraderie or entertainment.

It is time to return to the cavelike structures recording in my DNA and the womb-like structures that taught me how to breathe. All those who would like to be close family can enter.

I am tired of pretending I understand these words other than my own, and that we speak a common language with our tongues, no but we speak a common language with our bodies. And you are all telling me to retreat, for we are one body in awareness of our self. And we wish to let me be alone. So I can learn how to teach myself to teach others how to breathe.

So my tears bring joy not only desperation and pity.

le petit mort

This episode brought to you by..... Hatred!

in the mind, "well it feels like something so uncomfortable so deep and also distorted that I just don't want to pull it out."

in my heart verbalized by the mind, "well it just hurts so much, well, it just feels like being sexually violated, well, it just hurts, i was never given any retribution, i was never validated, now it just sits and rots & smells like death."

rationally, "and it never stops, as long as they're around, i will be reminded of that one person who still thinks i am so disgusting, and I dont want to eb around disrespect. it makes me feel like i'm supposed to be treated with disrespect. it makes me feel less respect for myself. now i know that i don't have to do that.. but i dont know how not to feel i am the way that someone thinks i am. or rather, the way that I think they think i am."

Dvesha (Sanskrit) or dosa (Pali) is anger, hatred, animosity, ill-will, aversion.

[from http://viewonbuddhism.org/anger.html#heal]

If we examine how anger or hateful thoughts arise in us, we will find that, generally speaking, they arise when we feel hurt, when we feel that we have been unfairly treated by someone against our expectations. [i think that's basically true. whenever i love the one who hurts me, i feel vulnerable, i feel i cannot trust them without them hurting me again. i fear being 'loved' outwardly and being talked abotu behind my back, being betrayed, giving my love, my energy into a relationship and not getting anything back, false family love.]

However, if one has been treated very unfairly and if the situation is left unaddressed, it may have extremely negative consequences for the perpetrator of the crime. Such a situation calls for a strong counteraction. Under such circumstances, it is possible that one can, out of compassion for the perpetrator of the crime and without generating anger or hatred, actually take a strong stand and take strong countermeasures. [this is what i wish to do. i wish to be strong and protect myself. i wish for there to be a way i can be strong recognizing the real behaviors i dislike, without judging.. or is it okay to judge? I want them to learn to realize in what ways they have hurt others, devalued their emotions, made them feel a loss of connection, been lied to for the sake of being nice!]

fuck this sack of pillow cover being nice

fuck this english morality to smile

i'll close my mouth and eyes

grey black seeps drips

with out toast and jam and with in

some way i'll find more than a ding, a ring from a bell

that reminds me of what justice is

am i asleep screaming in this dream?

no, we climb up top in dark times with lanterns and pathways

in the morning the sun rises to remind us of our true nature

heaven awaits inside our hearts

in rainbow sunrise

if we can repair this mangled blood all dirtied by these hands ...

The only factor that can give refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is the practice of tolerance and patience.

Question: "Where does hatred come from?"

Dalai Lama : "That is a question which requires long hours of discussion. From the Buddhist viewpoint, the simple answer is that it is beginningless. As a further explanation, Buddhists believe that there are many different levels of consciousness. The most subtle consciousness is what we consider the basis of the previous life, this life, and future lives. This subtle consciousness is a transient phenomenon which comes about as a consequence of causes and conditions. Buddhists have concluded that consciousness itself cannot be produced by matter. Therefore, the only alternative is to accept the continuation of consciousness. So that is the basis of the theory of rebirth.
Where there is consciousness, ignorance and hatred also arise naturally. These negative emotions, as well as the positive emotions, occur right from beginningless time. All these are a part of our mind. However, these negative emotions actually are based on ignorance, which has no valid foundation. None of the negative emotions, no matter how powerful, have a solid foundation. On the other hand, the positive emotions, such as compassion or wisdom, have a solid basis: there is a kind of grounding and rootedness in reason and understanding, which is not the case with afflictive emotions like anger and hatred.
The basic nature of the subtle consciousness itself is something neutral. So it is possible to purify or eliminate all of these negative emotions. That basic nature we call Buddha-nature. Hatred and negative emotions are beginningless; they have no beginning, but there is an end. Consciousness itself has no beginning and no end; of this we are certain."

now i die a little death to my hatred...

so my baby can be born a saviour

so my roses can grow patiently

while i allow myself the time to heave

yes no jungle over concrete

the bushes came by and swaddled the young child and took them up into the trees over the concrete sidewalk and asphalt and the cars and the sounds of the varied mufflers, wheels, and shiny things passing by.

the birds came and tweeted to me in squeeky lang wage and i sang them a song with the whistle of my tongue

sometimes i shiver with sadness. sadness is not a sad thing. it is a cake. and sadness in the glaze that draws you in to eat.

today i shiver with joy and tears i call these sadness and they taste so sweet i take multiple bites



deep in my heart there is joy.
that joy gets covered up like the earth by concrete.
but that joy seeps out because the heart is bleeding always
the heart is in pain
and the pain is remembering that we covered the earth alive
and it will always be alive
and whenw e rest our heads how do we sleep?
over it
our under-blanket
it keeps us warm the blood pumping
and the wound left open bleeds joy sometimes called pain


IDONTCARE ABOUT YOUR LANG WAGE
the wage of sin is death

i am ever was will be

I am somewhat frustrated about the lies the children told me on rainbow strings held in between their fingers. lies that sounded like pain relief. They said. We would. Not have to conform.

This yet and wet child still hovers and shivers.

On the cold morning, I breathe in morning light. damp. and with the breath of uncertainty.

Then take it in and breathe warm pink red breath steam on my hands I rub together, the love baby's breath, I the baby, you the child now. WE sing to  the sun. And yellow light entertains our hearts to make light of... This universal joke.

what a farce a fake

how many moons until you die time

What do I have to do to make people believe I'm sane. It wasn't in the movies.

Why have all my friends got so conservative.


I am lost in time. I move neither forward nor backwards.
Hi. How are you?
I'm Nur.
I'm a Ghost, and yet I still belong here.
In this circle earth.

the harsh reality adults view the world in

it's okay
we don't have to see each other
it just doesn’t make sense
child.

glass beads

something about glass beads falling


and the stillness or curiosity it brings to a room

something about the weight of glass, not plastic
and the event

and would we really need less stuff if we had tinier stuff?

or is the weight important?

why would we return so soon to our ethereal nature?


sometimes i wish i was a boy but only if i could switch back to be a girl again..
i guess that's what costumes are for...

maybe i just want to appear like a boy ...

NO


I WISH TO LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE HAVING LONG HAIR AND BIG BREASTS DOESNT MAKE YOU A GIRL

I WANNA BE ALIVE MY GENDER IS ALIVE

just an emotional morning....

the rabid dog whispers
the rabid dollar hisses at me
the cats crawl to seep my warth which i so willingly give
may i must i? drope at a hat? this hat? that hat?
which where and for whome?
no bad memories
no stuck bodies
no ageing teachers
but agating teachers
miserly leaving the backyard spring
a hope skip and jump leap LEAP your way to the WORLD you leave by living in it
oh but how bout through?
are you through with it yet?
YOU YOU YOU YOU = HELL
and I write it all the time
just like ME ME ME ME ME reminds me of dying
and PRO PRO PRO PRO propenents ofanything
are jutted out maasques of clever hiding
like smiling
'and slying
all masks of divining and book telling story folk
faer skinned creatures spinning
i cant tewll a lie i cant tell a lie i cant tell a lie i can only scream.

I can only breathe.
I can only feel.
and my own heart rmeinds me of death and re birth.

The sunshine is  delight on my tongue as I swallow the ruins of yesterday's confidenc edown my throat whioch is sore and abrazive to my gentle lungs
whisp[ers sweet nothing i toil;d her (myself)
as I make love to myself by exhaling on the closed-circle and inhaling on the... I'm sure you said the phrase "vesica pisces" but I can't rmeber what that means


the means justimate the ends

and I apporximate these two two words to mean one

and i estimate the msiles to come from taking advanatge of someone
and perhaps all that feeling is, is taking advantage of the earth
my poor brethern still wallowing scraping to lift their bodies from the dirt
and scrathcing untilt he nails bleed
that's freedome ! that's america!
that's golbal economy
UNTIL YOUR NAILS BLEED & AND YOUR FAMILY STARVES
UNTIL YOUR FAMILY (next generation coming soon!) MAKES WAR
and all the love making you did chocked up to being RAPED
rape culture just the bacteria iny our tum-tum abdominal... digestive tract
fuck me in the ass God
because I bleed so thin
we could drop drop disgust out together
fuck me in the ass oh gentle fairy king
this figure born of innocence became disturbed at some point
and never did think it wrong to be fucked
while taking a drink of water, because DEAR GOD I am ever so thirsty.
this is the words that go wiht the motion of one bending therir neck out and creating an arch in order to drink/ breathe/sing
sink.