talking to girls

 talking to girls

talking to girls

talking to girls

talking to girls

I TALKED TO SOME GIRLS LAST NIGHT

I did not follow them home

I did not sleep in her bed

I did not eat with her

I did not look too long into her eyes

but next time

I will 

questioning this blog as a response to my ... locked down throat talk

 I used to write in this blog just because no one would read it and now it's listed on a public profile of my Instagram

So it feels like like it is a private blog

less like a sheer skirt with red underwear 

less like how you let your skirt hem snag on a rough patch of skin

as you adjust it upwards upwards upwards

so then, it is more real this, whole, "making the public private" thing i think I am doing

this thing it feels like is a disrespectful gross thing

I just thought we were living in a surveillance state

I thought that 20 years ago

I thought to myself, everything is already public

and we now know how deeply it is, but wasn't it always with simply different technology?

__________moving forwards_____stepping into____ the nur system___ the practice ____ the product___the potion____ the omen___ the poem

the abrupt ending

 why the

inesacpabable sounds

hit

Diary Entry July 31st 2026

 Dear Diary,

I woke up at 7:45am and it was just because the sun was shining. I went to bed around midnight.. wait let me check my phone records... yeah that's probably accurate because I made a call at 11:13pm while driving home from .. Shamoth's house. 

Oh wait now I just remembered to fill out my time card.

Okay i'm going to try a trick to overcome my avoidance with simple and easy tasks

I'm going to think of a song that is the feeling, in this case, the line, "Paranoia paranoia everyone is coming to get me." That's kind of what it feels like to think about doing my time card

warm in your towel after I laid in winter some wildflowers seeds which grew out of my child-heart

 underneath cold water pretending to be Ophelia

in january 2006

with wildflowers which dried and hurried to freeze

bugs and twigs

beside the grandfather grandmother tree

IM FUCKING BLEEDING PLEASE HELP ME

as I swallow dirt after heapfuls of dirt

and float up to 

float up to

float beside you ghost 

MOUTHFULS OF EARTH OF MY MOTHER FATHER BROTHER LOVER

and spit it out and spit it out and spit it out

YUCK

fucking vile piece of earth tainted by so many layers of duff lifted up to soon

for your MODERNITY

and the bamboo forest screaming with bats

scratching behind my back at the Arden fair

trails behind behind the forest

and the young tender flesh of the bamboo meat

my mother being so open to me taking the kitchen knife into the ground to lift it up

as if reading a single article about how it takes ten years to train to cut YOUNG FLESHY UNDERGROUND bamboo is enough

when i hold the kitchen knife in between my teeth

between cutting different pieces of bamboo

and carrying long 20 feet pieces of it through the 

annals of my childhood 

(you know what I am referring to.. the Morris library at the University of Delaware? we dragged FOUR pieces of bamboo into its lobby in winter, and the snow was pink and sparkly)

when you see me grit my teeth and bare it

how could you not know i have heaps of dirt covering my teeth

and underneath I am screaming so very loudly for help

but when i look down, I see myself, BOCA ARRIBA, the gauze, the genocide, the hospital, the Palestinian and half-Palestinian crying like a siren and no one listening

silence all around 

and all i am is some ... flesh-book in the library that recorded all the stories she has ever heard, and together they make a beautiful sound called noise

typos

 poor grapho motor precision

gargantuan head-like

finger pads 

paddles swaying, lifting earth

weight of the world in her shoulders, her fingers

speech that is silent when more needed

emptied breath

clenched lungs

sore and flattened nipples

emptied milk-bags

loss of value

endless burden

open palm

holding one hand up to to catch the wind

like a sail

intracranial pressure rain = water = tears = __________ .

I was sitting inside this coffee shop with all windows on the outside walls, locking my bike up before and feeling the air fill with moisture and the sky darkening pumping air into the sides of my cranium

And as I sat saved myself from the rain I began to find tears running down my face and of course I looked up and it was raining heavily pounding and I with neutral affect sat with wet eyes and cheeks and wet upper collar bone and waited for my face to stop crying.

and as soon as the pressure let up and the rain slowed down, I did stop. 

face dried quickly

and before that, when i was leaving the house with my bike I got hit in the eye by a soft leaf swinging into my face as i was leaving my backyard hanging my bike on my left shoulder stumbling to protect my other eye from the bike handles, and my right eye was irritated and injured- it teared up and turned red, swollen. 

eye contracted and calmed quickly

sky opening now

floods still building

mouth still waiting

well of the world inside myself

i think i truly might be a cenote to Xibalba

garret is a bully

all my writing is shit tears

and pulling the skin back on my ribs

and shaking in the ball cage

and shooting lasers out my eyes

and if i breathe

a tear falls out my eye

and if I speak a small village gets demolished

 that fast

that fast

that fasting

that fast fire

ebbing me in

sides on thorny

concrete glowing

gluing pieces together

at night a wind

enters

my spine

and backs out

and backs out and backs out

incandescent groan

mildly uplifting

spiggot

Days that i don't feel like writing, you are still supposed to write. I have no important thoughts.

Get the juices flowing.. so I am going to write my thoughts and document them here like I have been for 15 years...

At least I have a document, this blog, of all my thoughts, and you can tell as they have a lot of repetitive themes and often use the same exact phrases, that indeed it is a rough approximation of ALL of them.

so here are random thoughts, and I am just letting my fingers move so they never lose muscle.

1) How to get a guy to be careful about getting you pregnant? Just act like a) you kind of don't care that much b) tell them about your normal amount of past pregnancies and c) make sure to include some fact about your own fertility... 

2) how to be alone in your own bed... move all the people to their own beds.. But First obtain all the other beds over a period of a year to make sure they are there, fill them with soft pillows and fabrics. the people will first have to be familiar with seeing a bed they could potentially sleep in, and then gradually over a long period of time they will.. occasionally leave you alone.

3) How to separate from someone you are supposed to be in love with and have a child with.. First, make sure you live next to your Mom. Even if your Mom is incredibly difficult to be around as my Mom would say, in her Palestinian english accent... "If but a hair connects you two, do not cut it." ...... there are a lot of others steps including ... finding a best friend for your soon-to-be-ex and extra points if that person is also your ex. Make it look real. They don't need to know you plotted their friendship out to make sure they would have one person who really understood. Find a job that will allow you to be financially independent AND take care of a child... Make sure your child goes to a school you really like and if you fail the first year, don't worry your pretty little heart about it, because the slower the process is.. the better the chance that your maimed and stepped on bleeding heart will have more time to recover from the thing behind the wall... THE WALL! and THE THING BEHIND the WALL! Don't look just now... Just wait until Your child goes to a good school and you have a good job and then... and then.. and then... Just wait... Until, Oh you won't need that kitchen knife... here is a candle and as you are waiting for the umbilical cord of your previous union to dry up and shrivel.. you can help it along with a flame.

4) Distance yourself from your best friends who do not pay enough attention to you

5) Go to the water

6) Burn the candle at the Santeria store.

7) After the initial period of reckless behavior, and emotional distance, start calling your friends.

8) Call one friend a day...

9) make play 

10) eat sandwiches naked

11) brush your teeth after drinking coffee

12) slowly slowly slowly pull your skin over your eyes, back again, over

-------hide this blog entry, turn away from you exhibitionism------

I don't know if I am better

but I know my fingers are moving

when stillness is raw

and I cannot stop 

taking plant medicine

because it seems the only ones who can help me

would have to be divine