that fast

that fast

that fasting

that fast fire

ebbing me in

sides on thorny

concrete glowing

gluing pieces together

at night a wind

enters

my spine

and backs out

and backs out and backs out

incandescent groan

mildly uplifting

spiggot

Days that i don't feel like writing, you are still supposed to write. I have no important thoughts.

Get the juices flowing.. so I am going to write my thoughts and document them here like I have been for 15 years...

At least I have a document, this blog, of all my thoughts, and you can tell as they have a lot of repetitive themes and often use the same exact phrases, that indeed it is a rough approximation of ALL of them.

so here are random thoughts, and I am just letting my fingers move so they never lose muscle.

1) How to get a guy to be careful about getting you pregnant? Just act like a) you kind of don't care that much b) tell them about your normal amount of past pregnancies and c) make sure to include some fact about your own fertility... 

2) how to be alone in your own bed... move all the people to their own beds.. But First obtain all the other beds over a period of a year to make sure they are there, fill them with soft pillows and fabrics. the people will first have to be familiar with seeing a bed they could potentially sleep in, and then gradually over a long period of time they will.. occasionally leave you alone.

3) How to separate from someone you are supposed to be in love with and have a child with.. First, make sure you live next to your Mom. Even if your Mom is incredibly difficult to be around as my Mom would say, in her Palestinian english accent... "If but a hair connects you two, do not cut it." ...... there are a lot of others steps including ... finding a best friend for your soon-to-be-ex and extra points if that person is also your ex. Make it look real. They don't need to know you plotted their friendship out to make sure they would have one person who really understood. Find a job that will allow you to be financially independent AND take care of a child... Make sure your child goes to a school you really like and if you fail the first year, don't worry your pretty little heart about it, because the slower the process is.. the better the chance that your maimed and stepped on bleeding heart will have more time to recover from the thing behind the wall... THE WALL! and THE THING BEHIND the WALL! Don't look just now... Just wait until Your child goes to a good school and you have a good job and then... and then.. and then... Just wait... Until, Oh you won't need that kitchen knife... here is a candle and as you are waiting for the umbilical cord of your previous union to dry up and shrivel.. you can help it along with a flame.

4) Distance yourself from your best friends who do not pay enough attention to you

5) Go to the water

6) Burn the candle at the Santeria store.

7) After the initial period of reckless behavior, and emotional distance, start calling your friends.

8) Call one friend a day...

9) make play 

10) eat sandwiches naked

11) brush your teeth after drinking coffee

12) slowly slowly slowly pull your skin over your eyes, back again, over

-------hide this blog entry, turn away from you exhibitionism------

I don't know if I am better

but I know my fingers are moving

when stillness is raw

and I cannot stop 

taking plant medicine

because it seems the only ones who can help me

would have to be divine

Morning flesh

 Daddy! Daddy!

Waiting for inspiration, my child screams, "Daddy!" and runs away when she can't watch tv. It is loud and quiet this morning. Not like yesterday's peace. 

Staring at my beautiful naked body, I am reluctant to put on clothes because then I wouldn't get to witness how beautiful my skin and bones and flab flesh are this morning. I'm having trouble not loving myself. I would rather sit and stare at my body alone, hearing excited whimpers from the other room, someone seeking attention... I am not really alone. But we two Bed-Girls here are naked and we don't want clothes.

"Mommy, can I whisper in your ear?"

"Yes."

"But first can you tell me what I'm about to say?"

"Yes."

She wants "toy tv".

I am still enamored by my legs and my skin and my chest and random small tattoos that remind me of all the points of transition in my life, each one marking some major change.

So I can look down at my body like a map of my life. Like a treasure hunt. 

Goin' on a treasure hunt, tri-infinity marks the spot. Three lines down and a question mark. A pinch. A squeeze. A tropical breeze. Now you got the chills!

A spot on the back of my neck I marked with a circle.

If you press the button...

Still enamored with my breasts (soft and childlike, new, and breathing with still recovering post-breast milking) and the necklace that hangs above them. Blue kyanite my dear friend gave to me. A rose quartz pendant. I tied them to an antique chain that usually holds a beautifully carved piece of dark jade.

A rose.

And in between the subtle body of this moment, not letting go of how I feel so complete and perfect- I scroll through internet articles and smush my ideas of different arts-based interventions into one big thing and try to remember that I didn't really do.. I didn't really do what I was supposed to. I did none of it. I am doing all of it in my mind and sometimes it doesn't bleed back onto the paper.

[brain bleed brain squeeze crying always from my left-lung abrasion and my copd]

[crying always when I squeeze to the left, twist to the left, and feel it.. it feels like father abandonment and motherlove the kind made of dry desert dirt. Do they love you? Why can't I hug them stone sculptures? I hug her often. I hug the naked flesh of her pale body. I hug her flesh with my flesh and we often sleep next to one another and take baths together. But HE- he just holds my hand and the closest I ever get is holding his arm and leaning my head upon the side of his upper arm while we walk trails.]

Am I still talking?

shaky hole(hold)

thorn or rose

in my side

some sort of bruising

of sand

sandals lost in the ocean

my father's true home

something like that

I don't know and I'm not crying .. laughing mostly... as you can see

 I DON'T CARE IF MY WRITING IS GOOD I DON"T CARE IF MY WRITING IS GOOD WELL DO RIGHT FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU I DON"T CARE IF MY WRITING FEELS GOOD TO YOU IF YOU GET IT IF I FOLLOW RULES IF IT LOOKS NICE I JUST CARE IF I OPEN MY MOUTH_SPIGGOT AND HAIR BONES TEETH FALL OUT AND I RINSE REPEAT RINSE REPEAT RINSE REPEAT VERBAL GARBAGE UNTIL IT RUNS CLEAR. UNTIL IT RUNS CLEAR UNDER HOT WATER AND I WRITE EVERY DAY LIKE DADDY JAMES TOLD ME TO. I DON'T CARE IF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I JUST WANT MY SMALL BABY HANDS TO MOVE TO THE MELODY MY FINGERS MAKE AS I STAB THE KEYS WITH THE PADS OF THEM WANDERING JOINTS. I WILL MAKE ALL THE MISTAKES AND STILL LOVE MY WRITING. I ONLY WANT MY MOUTH TO LAY OPEN IN MOIST TEMPERATE RAINFOREST MIND (UNDER MY TONGUE IN SOME CREVICES OF THE FOLDS OF MY >> >>>> >>>> > >>> > >>> INNNER FOLDS OF MY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>CORPUS COLOSUM>>>>> A PLACE OF PEACE LOVE UNITY RESPECT. I DON'T CARE IF MY WRITING IS GOOD. BEAUTIFUL. FORMED. UNFORMED. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. I DON'T CARE OF MY WRITING IS GOOD. AS LONG AS I CAN MAKE A RHYTHM OUT OF THE PATTERN OF THESE KEYS AND IT FEELS AND SOUNDS GOOD TO MY BEING.

open mouth open source

 GOD if I stab this blood root with a kitchen knife

why tendrils of pea shoots out

why my hair grows long into the ground

why cilia stretches

how will I be protected by these thorns on this one 

beautiful red

rose

I call my mouth

(whispering)

why is my face wet

why is the sun so sharp

I can't sleep anymore

the spigot of cerebral water won't shut off

and my breath a whole ocean

stuttering with dog dreams

dog breath

and god eyes

a cord through my noggin

 more wine berries

some orange some red

some fake flowers one orange one pink

a gentle thorny raspberry branch reaching towards my body

my body emptied

needs to be filled

excrement into gold

dust into form

running a calendar

through my skin

a cord through my noggin

soldier string and juicy folds

 purple pumpernickel bread wafer

soldier  string

tiny growing balls of plump

jeez my skkin is bleeding

juicy

folds

whet with grip

whet with expectation

a drop of saliva falling from the corner of your mouth

stirring something inside you

stillness 

a poke

under the bedsheets

and rainbows of flavors of the

amazing zinger! opened doors to the masses

to see... the amazing zinger!

in all its rainbow colored

foxy methoxy

glory

outside of time

i go

outside of time

some lint here in the pocket

the squeaky wheel gets the grease never

met my mouth

or my gnarly teeth (crush bones crush paper crush..)

fire/light/hell

a thousand specks of colored light from one or a hundred raspberries

3 days of fasting

valerian root tea

sticks shaped like a womb

and vomit

i exit

into the bathroom

the most safe space i can think of

lil boy knobby knees 

a'shakin still

is this how you can tell I was born in a hospital? that safety is aloness?

that safety is 4 walls and a closed door

and a mirror

Post-Birthday Weather

 I cut my nails earlier today, washed some sheets, then I threw the blankets out the window and doused them in 2020 corn-based hand sanitizer mixed with tea tree oil.

I burned them to get the stain out.

It got the stain out.

Punched several holes in imaginary walls

and cried on my sheet-less bed as the laundry machine chugged underneath my feet from the basement

I don't think our bodies connect too easily

there is some difficulty there

I have been positive

confident

and i'm not positive

nor confident

I just can be sometimes

"not since yesterday!"

this is probably too much for me

kind of disappointing looking at this unstained wood

falling apart more everything it rains

raw

and

carpenter ants gnawing around its

rusty bolts

[response to noticing internal parts of self no. 1] June 16 2025 10:47 am

 [response to noticing internal parts of self no. 1] June 16 2025 10:47 am

Nothing 

New

Old bones dry and dirty

Grimy oily with rainbow tears

The kind from an overly optimistic eighth year old

Hair down to her butt

And soon to be cut

Who pees fast

And wonders

When her Dad will come home

And why doesn’t he live with her?

And why did the girl on the stairs run away when she kissed her?

And only if I look deeply into the sun long enough

I could become blind enough to see again

More making public, what is private

 I am writing more even though I feel like my writing is a farce. False. Ugly. Empty. Too serious.

This week a friend who I wish I was closer to broke into my other friend's apartment, kind of for the second time. It made me feel empty and viscous and sad and lacking the skills to really help or change anything or even be there for anyone but my daughter.

Is this stalking now? What makes an act malicious? Does one really need to understand what they were doing? What stopped them developmentally from not noticing when they are doing harm? How does a person learn the harm they are doing to others? Do they have to hurt too? Should someone break into their home? Or break into their mind which may be their real home. . .

I came up with a lot of reasons why this makes sense.

developmental gap, some problem in childhood which can be fixed except by therapeutic play

spoiled brat, doesn't know what it is like to suffer, so internally challenged by this incongruence so he plies himself to acts of harm to punish himself and take away the privileges his life is littered with

obsession, a new obsession a new gateway to control, an escape from the hell of past obsessions

ignorance, pure ignorance, not understanding what he is doing

malicious intent, knowing what he is doing, and doing it to gain closeness, attention, love, togetherness, attachment (however secure or insecure, reparative or destructive)

delusion, psychosis, and requiring some professional help to avoid involuntary institutionalization and to avoid the common institution for those with severe mental health issues, the streets, a true home for those whose minds generate fantasy-like spaces in the crevices of concrete reality

I have been thinking and observing, and as I think and observe, I shrink and fall faster away gaining distance from my sweet squishy beloveds, friends, and friend-like matter, and joy, comfort in being with. Being WITH!

but my eye bulb bulges forward nonetheless

the solution is simple. just create safety. just create structure. routine. normalcy. same old same old. get boring.

It might suck to be controlled by medications which bluntly mend your misbehavior, quieting the very things about yourself you love like extra cheesecake icing on a egg-free cupcake

but is your mind's freedom worth another's fear? Now we are talking feeling targeted, feeling, watched, feeling like no space is private. AND not involved in the harm the individual is feeling: tired, empty, lonely, lacking community, everyone already having a pack, and alienating those who love you Brilliant! Artist! because you showed them you are willing to hurt them to get what you want.

So how do i teach my daughter? to not get what she wants all the time? How do i provide her with the right developmental pieces so she doesn't think it's okay to harm other people.

That just seems more important than learning how to read. (And she has two parents who read in front of her, and as a parent who learned how to read at age 4, it seems that, she probably will absorb early reading without me trying that hard to initiate that).

anyhow

harm

is avoidable

in not every situation

Now I have observed and distanced myself.

Now I have disappeared.

Wetted my paper enough to dissolve it.

Gone.

I don't even remember who I am. I am nothing.

I don't even remember my own private thoughts to be made public.

Something about disappearing into the yellow wall paper? Remember that short story? Written by some mad woman? She might have also walked into the ocean.. If ocean was breath it might be okay...

Reminder for the things I want to do this week:

- Explore becoming a brathworked who mixes it into Expressive Arts Therapy (which is combining Drama, Music, Art, Poetry, Narrative, Dance/Movement therapy in one session, including at least one, transfer from one modality to another).

- How to gain confidence? I just remembered my own therapist is a somatic therapist.

- Figure out ways to sew someone in fabric on stage. How does one appropriately mic a sewing machine? 

- Is it possible for me to organize my things better for performing so I don't get confused?

- Check on LAPC licensing

- Sign up for Coop Shift 

- How to have moments of mindfulness in nature, when nature represents not needing to do anything but simply being? 

how to be how to be how to be

be beat

how to beat beat

beat yourself stronger

- Can we dance? Should we dance?

JUNE 21st DANCING MUST HAPPEN

karaoke must happen

I WILL NOT BE DISAPPOINTED
I WILL NOT LET YOU DISAPPOINT ME
YOUARE NOTHING BUT DIRT CAUGHT IN THE CREVICES OF MY SOLES
I MUST FLY AND LEAVE YOU BEHIND
YOUR ANGEL FACE HAS TURNED GARGOYLE
I CANNOT BEAR TO BRUSH YOUR HAIR AWAY FROM YOUR FACE
YOUR EYES HAVE BECOME EMPTY TO ME
YOUR MOUTH IS JAGGED

I AM NOTHING IN YOUR CONDEMNING PRESCENCE
THERE IS NO JOY IN YOUR FIRE

YOU MAKE ME ALONE IN BEING TIED TO YOU
I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO LET YOU GLOW

I AM INCENSED DAILY
AND MY CIRCLE DRAWS MORE NARROW WITH EACH FOOT STEP

MY LOVE FOR YOU DOES NOT absolve THE HARM YOU CREATE BY RECKLESSLY

THROWING YOUR BIG HEAD AROUND AS IF IT IS TOO MUCH TO HANDLE

we all have big heads that are difficult and strange to control

we all lost the instructions

we are all similarly lost

we are all similarly condemned

we are each other

we.