little boys are little girls, in little boy clothes, when they grow up, they wear dresses, and lose their past life
little girls are little boys in dresses and make-up, little girls grow into young men, and allow themselves to put on clothes that flatten their chests.


logger boots, in portions, for forces

little match person

when you name yourself a metaphor do you really distance yourself from the meaning?
or don't metaphors enlarge the light being focused through the lens? (the lens being your perception)
magnify & metaphor
meta-flower and magnet-fly
metal floor & manga flower
whattt?

(thoughts flutter in and out one ear)
i can't make anymore sense than i already am sirs

Im just a baby
My momma wann check my ovaries

i keep feeling like this blog should have a warning..

WARNING: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. THIS BLOG MAY HARM YOUR MIND.


i'm not trying to be good anymore. it's alright to be bAD.whatever bad is.

I'm okay with this sort of recklessness, contained inside a computer, from a keyboard, onto this electronic page.. whatever.

anyone could be crazy really. (i just watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, i have read it long ago, that's what led me to The Electric Koolaid Acid Test). But, I'm just saying. I think most of the time I'm afraid to speak, because what i want to say comes out all crazy. I don't really want to be around people that would think I'm crazy.
I've been getting angry lately. It's sort of the emotion I resort to when I'm feeling left out. It's easy for me to feel left out. It's easy for me to think about what people haven't done to interact with me. I often ignore the positive things people have done for me, towards me, and yearn and long for the people who, frankly, aren't really that into me. Or, I will grab on to a conclusion real fast, and put you into he category of an asshole. A certain number of conclusive failures on your part, right before I fall in love with you, and we will never speak again.I feel ashamed a bit guilty to feel love for people that don't even want to be seen with me in public, or are kinda flakes. But, my understanding of people helps me to realize that I just can't really tell who is an asshole. Lots of stuff is flying in the air and drowning our eyes out. Mine too. I wish so badly I can release this anger and resentment towards others who aren't "enough" to me. I don't like the dualism of, you're eitehr an asshole or my favorite person in the world.

I could easily be out into an institution if I wasn't so godamned intelligent. People like me who can talk "intelligently" don't get put away, or arrested when they're tripping balls, for example. I'm safe Mom. I can always snap out of it. Like Emma said.

Today i was reading a Qi Gong magazine, an article about the centers where trauma is processed.
( http://www.sahej.com/organ-emotion_printready.html )
..I don't know where I was going with that. My head kinda hurts, I've been trying to really relax my jaw muscles, nwo I have pain, and a headache, which I rarely have... OH! I remember. Well.. I guess I am processing trauma in my liver, because I have anger, jealousy... and in the article they talked about seeking/yearning compulsively for love being also associated with this organ.

What is it Nur? Do you even love these people? Why do you have to share your body so easily? Just cause of a little red aura? a little blue? Some fancy prince? My heart leaps out. I fear I'll be alone, my mind shoots straight into the future, Okay I'lll have the baby on my own. There is No baby. Time has ended. It's 2012. TO THOU AND TO SELF... remember?

But sometimes I do remember. Sometimes I remember all the people in the world who care about me, so much i can seee it. I love all my friends, and even though my family is sorta effed up, they love me so loyally righteous.
God.
At this moment. I thank you.
But please help me. Give me the strength to stop seducing hot boys. God, Please. They'll just stop talking to me immediately after and I'll realize they don't really care, and even if they do care, I will scare them away. So, please. Give me the strength to be so much more pure, and patient. My body is not just an animal. No animal's is. If I know that, surely I can... keep it more connected? At least know I can talk with them beforehand? Please God, give me the strength to resist the temptation to use my body to feel good and to share my love. Because I have so much love to share, and I'm way too vulnerable to give it out freely, without mutual respect. And because I can't tell who's an asshole, I'll run away and make them one.

I gotta go. Dude.

thoughts and explorartions 2nd day of 2012

Center for the Study of Mind in Nature

What the cosmos is Eurythmy and why haven't I ever met her until now? http://eana.org/wordpress/?page_id=210
Eurythmy – Harmonious or beautiful movement (Greek)

 _____________________________________________________________________________
Life is very weird. For some reason going to Burning Man this past summer made me feel a look into the future, in other words, made me start thinking about how I could direct my life now in a direction. That direction is intentionally becoming full of many plans/opportunities and full of many holes to be filled with unknown activities, to be given room to breathe like crochet. 
Here is a run-down on what kind of skills I wish to develop (for support and stability), and what kind of activities I imagine would encourage my spirit to rise up in me (and out of me) like the most bangin' fire I have ever seen. FIRE!
In a few words, the origin of my re-birth (this is the beginning of the 26th calender year of my life) will start at the mouth.
The food goes in, and reminds us of our terrestrial origins.
The digestive fires burn and flames are shot out, a song & a breath.
The cycle is perfect. We are all perfect.
A warrior spirit grows in me. I have much work to do. Much love to be made to the Earth.
To give myself to the ground, is my first baby step. As I grow food, so too will my body grow in me, more than a mere hologram of my being. Full of nutrients. Metal & Fire, Earth & Air, over water.

------------Pathway to Guatemala------------------------

zero: Nur needs to get a job. Nur would like to begin to train to become a massage therapist. Using your hands is an antidote to anxiety/depression. Serving others, in complete relinquishment of your self, will also provide a good basis for the life of service Nur wishes to follow. I think massage is something very acceptable by most any culture, and that with this skill I could make money in an already socially acceptable structure-less manner. So, a silly job could pay for my living & the beginning costs of a massage program that will in the end leave me with a skill that could make enough money, so yes, I can eventually break out of this traumatic economical/political system. 

Winter 2012 / College &  part time job.

Spring 2012 / opts. 1) College &  part time job (graduation?) or 2) full-time job & massage school / get passport($60-$140)/ solidify farm work-trade position

Summer 2012 / work/massage school / saving up for trip (=>$

Fall 2012 / Guatemala

----------------Mountain Water----------------------

one: 

fix teeth / continue self-learning alternative methods to jaw surgery

learn to learn: medicinal/magical plants, energy healing, massage, spanish language, poetics, sculpture, performance, getting really healthy!, permaculture

two:

I'm not really sure when I'll leave Guatemala, I sort of assume I'll somehow spend around 6 months there. It may be longer, who knows, a few years? But I'll probably return to Olympia, WA and continue studying massage and working a minimum wage job. I may continue going to The Evergreen State College, even if I have graduated by this time. I have much more to study about making music, art in general, but especially metalworking & performative poetics

Well, now the time for this writing to be a focalizer. Remember Nur, you can't pay your phone bill & you have no money for utilities, you're banking on the fact that you prolly won't have to pay another month still. Without financial aid, you're financially stranded. So you're job is to get a job. And your job is to turn your excess of clothing into money. The reality is you are not an anarchist, not yet, and you are stuck in the system. And as we learned last year people can't squat or travel, even if they give up their personal goals to do so, with two cats (w/out surrendering their freedom to explore..). But you're good at getting a job. And you're good at making your room be a comfortable place to live. And you already paid January rent. You have one month to get money. You have one month to use your skills to make beautiful things. You have one month to organize a plan, so that you are not repetitively homeless every time your plans fall through. Suck it up. At least you're not married anymore, and at least you don't have a baby. You'll find a job that won't make your crazy. And you'll be responsible. Life is stretching herhimwe's hands out waiting for you to make the best of what was honestly a far too cushy place for you to have been in. And even if it goes away. You're prepared to not let your life fall into pieces. I love you and you're beautiful.

in a few words

wondering who Nur is?

Nur is

light

noise music

dance

performance art

movement

energy

healing

earth

dirt

flight

lifted

strong wind warrior

nature

poet

metal

form

the sound of our feet beating into the residual terrestrial prints of being

Just so this is documented, "If any one of your friends kills you I will cut out and eat their livers, go to jail and spend the rest of my life there." -my mother

i love french movies

Watching: The Names of Love /

Le nom des gens   ... 

"You didn't Love them. You just weren't scared of them."

- like Arthur, I too usually end up with the persons I am not afraid of. While the ones that I really feel something for, leave me. Because That whole, throat closing up, nervous chit-chat, or avoid-all eye contact! Thing. It really does suck to get all nervous around people I feel I instinctively connect with. And with Society these days, people aren't used to Me NOT being someone that has created a habit of pretending they're okay, not nervous, not attracted, just Chill. So they think I'm lame & annoying. And I have created a habit of "acting" lame & annoying. Talk about nothing, say something weird, but say it quick so no one thinks you're serious. Of course, this may be what in reality, constitutes as lame & annoying anyway... 

 

"Come to My place I don't want to be alone."

- it seems I am a composite of the 2 main characters

- I feel like I must've been sexually abused as a child, my tendencies otherwise just don't make sense.   I mean I always wondered if it was true when I told my pre-school teacher I had been touched...

all guys are dicks. all girls are ego-centric. all fathers are assholes. all mothers are suffocating. i can only trust those without a gender... but most of all: all guys are assholes & can never be trusted. (i will hurt myself trying to believe otherwise) 

- it sort of quells my desire to fall in love when i watch a movie about 2 people falling in love. you'd think already falling in love would have done it, but i guess we are all really poly-amorous, especially if you don't believe in time.

"i'm bored without your aSS" -I AGREE.

 

"We're half-breeds. We don't know who we are or where we are from"  yes, we are, aren't we? see, Arthur is  a secret french of jewish descent, and Baya is a half-algerian non-muslim. and me, I'm a half-palestinian barely-defined-hispanic terrestrial

just realized how funny, "half-palestinian" sounds, it's like which half? oh, the half the UN gave to us? or the half we stubbornly sent back? (see a real palestinian would never say that.) 

 

[we can try to find out about our past, our parent's parents, why we were handed whatever we were handed... but maybe it is all a dream, like the ones we have every night, all the same. is it more seeking, to be seeking something real historical?

it isn't seeking i search for, i search to be uncovered. i search for my future. i hate hiding. i'd rather take my underwear off in public than be forced by social norms to stop talking about all my embarrassing things.

a more wrinkled jacket.

 

carrying a dead bird

we can't seek the past of our parent's

whatever they never told us

what they hid

we know

and what we can do when they die-

is to never hide ourselves, and never lie

 

to be hit with the long pipe

standing upright just as you chase after the dream of your LEGITIMATE history

fear for the old, getting crushed by subway doors

chicken concentration camps

for half a new year's i was vegan

and for the other half, I had no identity

 

if you could truly forgive & forget all the bad things, don't you think your children would notice?

and if you were silent? don't you realize they'd feel ashamed. but not know. quite why.

with your shirt half open

and my heart sewn shut

]

in the end... they said, "screw his roots". but I say.. I'm just confused, and I grew from somewhere, and those places have names.  but what i feel rooted to, in terms of origins, is something that cannot be covered by names. and i feel it, see it, breathe it in. whatever you call it. you know the smell...

 

 

 

hope-fiend / dope-fiend , what's the difference?

idontfeelsane and i dont feel well. but i do feel beautiful and that seems to help.
this trip to delaware makes me SCREAM

im a beautiful bird. im a barf. im a machine.

i hold. marriage. like death.

regardless of who you are. can't we be the same?

membrane, membrane, membrane.

long layers of liars.

i cant trust anyone. you will alll hurt me.
you will all hurt me.

i will help you.

let it go. ur a bad baby.

in apparent corners dust grows. sickens us. and the toxins... rabid dust.

if my memory serves correct, we should ahve been dead by now.
and we're not, so there's something hopeful in that.