sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Saturday, July 3, 2010

please mother dont murder my children


Please Mother dont murder my children
[the underling things that crawl in the day on ym face]
Please mother dont tie my hands behind my back and then say, AHA! I KNEW IT!
[liek they all do when they engorge their lips with my lipase]
i need help
i need help
i am helped and so i need it but what what what but what what what do i do

..... this mentions me here
keep having crushes on boys who are taken, and me, a lady already taken (albeit by some ghost no doubt) keeps feeling like some circulating joke.

flock foil
foul.

damn straight alien lady.

big eyes and crooked teeth is all ive been thinking about since the 7th grade
so there, there is my complex, i wanna know...... I WANNA KNOW when some shrink will see me? please see me said i and do whatever you have to do to understand that I DPNT KNOPW where the crayon went when it got superliminally shoved up my nose and INTO my brain.


big eyes. and crooked teeth. disease. big eyes and crooked teeth dis-EASE. big-ease. dis-easer.

the... i cant open my mouth complex. the... i can t look people in the eye complex. THE
icanttalktomyfatherevenifiwantedtobuthesstill alive
dIS EASE


BREeaking on banking on laying by the bay on the sand with my hands alongside of my swimsuit (torso) and i scraped the edges of the creases of the wrinkles on myknucles an di love how long my hair tarried but i still cant seem to raise my eyelids past half a centimeter and sometimes thats enopugh to see the light thats coming off the sun but at the right sunset it can feel like youre pretty fucking blind....


i know
i turned away
what the fuck

why does a girl want what she cant have and has to learn to not want what she dopes.... does...

today i had a crush on an engaged man! and didnt know! today i realized i suck at telling how people are!

and theres the hole in my wall and the worried thoughts saying choo choo choo choo down the tube wire heart thaw

layer it

layeR IT
DA

i can cause cake damage

i heart you toe squeeze

allowance after allowance all of it

makey lady pee plants


spoken not shared

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

lost heart made to ache but baked further gold into foil, started foiling itself around town twirl twirl twirl...
special feeling comes form where but i bought boy oh boy bought the perfect gift in the form of an abstract wish to be blessed with height of the spiritual mind but so off and on i notice it is really ego
upon opening to this new day i say my tongue is not yet burnt and my mind is more pure than in the countless hours sleeping through my sun my sunlight my sonshine
son shone yah
sun peppers and sun maizes
beautiful boy in urban gold and child-like memories of easter on the cement sidewalk
cracked open like today
i lifted my head i lifted my neck
i spoke out and shouted like unduel motions
emoting ebb dub lub flow
making drears out into daisies i collect my head and who and where are you?
for if'n another is to come up and wash me over, i may as well this time adjust the speed and wait to see if the great catastrophe chooses not to come...
confused as well as you two are on the same page
i unclothed rush to your side as the dress folds under you
and each one will love another 
like a brother or a sister kind of lover.
and each one underneath their petticoat shall be lifted in twirling lights of male female games...
the spicyness to experience free love
is coming
in me

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

on the birth of destruction i burn your harried faces' emblem across my breast!
i carry your incessant ties to soil and root of earth and UProot them unto the sky!
THEY BURN!
and when each cell on earth lies down at night to slumber, to rest from the nakedness of day(aching), I will give them the delight of the bare dark sky and barely there opalescent little moons.
i mourn for you oh mother earth
oh ma ma me-uh oh ma my-uh.
ma ma mother maya me oh maya mama mother
delicate shards of glass i wear on my sky
lens of truth when wants truth to be splintered
lowerd lens of truthe
layered lowered longer lens of truth
laboring idly
sleeping wildly
tired

Friday, April 23, 2010

my heart stretched out so fine the creases' powder
my wretched heart stretched
my heart so full and emptied, i begin to see clearly
out of the open wound i have been harboring flows
blood red anger
and the letting promotes growth
somehow and in some way that
i do not know
my flow and ebb slows to show
somekind of passion that
i do not know
my heart wretched and torn
many newborn
my heart in pain and drained
i am tired
slain
reborn
fire favor
falling
into
scabs and showmanship
a ripped jacket
a clip
from the endangered species channel
and now,
the extended version
of the kill
when i ripped out my own heart and hurt beyond
error error error
shit
banking on some watery grave
to place that stone of a heart i birthed
stillborn and still born
alive in the most peculiar way
you say it's okay but how can i ever forget just how sad I am all the time and in all the ways tainting everything i love?
..and everythibng that loves me
with RIVALROUS ANGER
SPEARS
AND TOOTH AND NAIL
BLOODY PIECE OF SKELETON
JUST TOOTH AND HAIR
barely there kind of bare
I am a bear a bird a spirit
they helped me last night
Was it them who i awoke to in spite of him?
God where are you? I prayed to you and I felt you but you were in-
SO MANY PIECES
how could you take me
with so fragile of a frame
What am I made of?
If it is of God then why is my structure so hard
as to remain in this same beating pattern of my heart
as to remain so bitter so strong so born and torn
why my heart
is only a rock
but i birthed him out
i shouted and tore him to pieces and lay him down, like God
with the vulnerability of a child I look on in amazement and wonder
my child is a stillborn, still born
my heart is stretched out to harden wider and longer
my throat is closed and open
my base is a trunk truncated and locked
i am lost no here but lost no here but barely there bare and-
Oh maybe I don't understand this...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Can I still be a whore who loves her lovers with the deepest thoughts and palpitations known yet to her? No I guess not. Thanks a lot slyly conservative upbringing... WHO am i fighting against? Myself, myself, myself...

I've been matching all your faces to new ones. New voices are old again, familiar, though revised. I met a John Wagner and a Gabe, I've met people I know and will never know. They are just replacements for the comfort I seek within myself and the liberation I try to aim at every day. Like stuffed animal buddies.

Speaking of animals, Lupita had her kittens yesterday evening, 2 black, 2 black and white swirls, one completely white one. I think I'm crazy. That means 8 kittens now. Cats. The most I've ever had. Oh well. Cute furry animals are essential when you are in a phase of relationg to them mroeso than your human counterparts.

Mostly I'm tired of fighting. Every second of the day that I don't live alone seems like a chore. I get nervous just at the sight of someone I've met before. Really I should stop pretending I want to have friends so bad and do fun stuff like walking places and jumping on things. because this Nur here is slow calculated afraid and cautious. Strapped onto my own backpack, a box in a box in a box in a box. I've never been so socially confused worried and anxious. Half of the time it feels like I'm trapped, clautrophobic, And other times just like I'm getting to watch this very fabulous and interestion memoir I just caught on tv.

Hello Goodbye. Another try today?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

And the gods of greene spoke out before the council and declared their claim. The goverment fought hard and had shown numerous documents of children who were born with the mark of Nur on their foreskins. But alas, her peoples could only but refute these claims. Finally, they pulled their little hands out of their masionic robes and spoke, "We but only can spare $1023 for the Greene."

And so it was done. And so it shall be. Nur holds in her pocket one thousand and twenty-three.

Dollars that is.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TAX REFUND DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

One thing I did wrong today, I expected that the feelings I had this morning were indeed able to be understood and figured out. If only I left well-enough alone. Now, in trying to leave well enough alone, I am left alone. Shook it out of my head...

This is my second day of school at College: Round 3 and if I succeed I'lkl get to move onto Round 4 .

Friday, April 2, 2010

Gender Issues

I seem to have a predisposition towards holding women up to such high regards that when they live outside those pedestal laden oxes I set them on, I simply push them off and create obsessive compulsive avoidances around them and shut them out of my life.
people I like and people I love. people i don't even know

cause my brain says LOVE and my heart hurts, all the time. It's dis-abled

Do any of you have any gender issues?

Friday, March 5, 2010

Hello World

It is noon, I've been up for 4 hours. I go to bed at around 9pm. Yesterday I rode 20 miles or more on my bike and my butt really hurts. I am frustrated today. Very frustrated since I woke up. And had dreams about my two kittens Antoine-atron and CombuleCombule TumTum that I gave unto the wood spirits to take care of, and of my dear Azrael whom I miss like the fountain of youth I once knew.

I also had another dream in which this girl whom I no longer feel comfortable around tried to explain herself, but the dream ended before she cold explain anything. I take this as meaning she has no explanation for herself, and that I should continue avoiding her. Unfortunately, her like another, I can't get out of my head. I hate how I have to think about her all the times, in my dreams, in my day dreams, this fear, this threatening face guides all my emotions and actions, which to me are one in the same.

I can only hope one day the joy I find in my own personal illcommunicable mental processes will be able to become as creative as the art i see swirling all around me done by friends and husbands who paint and play music.

I want to learn to love myself more.

Dear Nur,

Please do not run away again today.

Love,
Nur

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Herbal Contraception Self-study

Note: The "Herbal Contraception Self-study" articles includes personal, and sometimes anatomically graphic information.

It's a good time for me to begin a self-experiment. I just moved to Washington, I don't have a job yet, I start college again in the Fall, and there are all these new opportunities and adventures that await me.

First of all, I will share with you the background for my decision to begin using herbal contraception:

I have taken birth control pills: Ortho-Tri-Cyclin Lo, and the ring: Nuva-ring that you keep for a whole year. The pills I took for 6 months, and the ring for about 7 months. The pills initially gave me nausea, but went away after 2-3 months, and the ring though did not come with any noticeable physical ailments included side effects such as: increased awareness of my ovaries (that eventually mean occassional pangs of pain), over-emotionality and frequent cases of paranoia or over-reactiong to situations more than I would normally, and also, some temporary form of depression. I believe I am a person prone to circumstancial depression, though I am generally a very sprite and joyful person. However, it was quite apparent with the Nuva-ring, that after a week or so of having it in me, I began crying uncontrollably, usually in the morning, and "not knowing why", among other symptoms or temporary depression: feeling empty, out-of-control, desperate, needy, apathetic, etc. The worst for me was yelling and screaming at my husband, and eventually becoming aware that the hormones were making exascerbating my already long-running problem of not managaing my emotions to well. In terms of being response-able as opposed to reactive (Prof. Sullivan's Homepage of past classes taught at Elon University), I felt like merely a sensory organ with other sensory organs reacting to stimuli of over-flowing dishes, dirty carpets, 5 cats, and a loving husband whom together with me, regardless of our most holy intentions, found ourselves at our wits end with each other. Both of us attribute this partially to noticeable chnages in my psychological behavior.

In addition, the number one physical effect of the birth control was being able to feel my ovaries very well. It felt like pain, and sometimes just the awareness of them, especially during ovulation. While I was happy to have an increased awareness of a very all-important organ system of my body, I later felt that the awareness came as a result of some sort of pain I was putting my body through. Birth control is quite literally made to "trick" your body into thinking it is pregnant all the time, so that your eggs cannot become inseminated. That is why unless you stop for that week or whatever to have your period, you will not have your period while taking birth control. From a purely medical and chemical perspective, with what we know about the long-term effects on the reproductive system and interaction with other organ systems of the body, it can become very easy to believe that this is okay. But maybe it isn't? But maybe there're good reasons why your body begins to function reproductively different? Some people can just feel when something is wrong, but that personal experience of someone you may or may not know might just as easily brush over your sholders, when in the prescence of doctors and published propaganda, not to mention the pill-worshipping feminist activists that hail The Pill as being one of the greatest progressive events for women in the 20th century. And I'm sure it has been, but just as with any other great invention, panty-hose, the pill, or the tampon, At what price do we sell our personal liberty? Do we trade one injury for another, Do we unlock the door of our self-iniative only to imprison our bodies in this day-in, day-out torture of feeling pregnant, all the time? Sure, you may be glowing and I'm so glad your skin has cleared up, but oh well about disconnecting yourself from your body's wails of When Will It End? How would you feel, if you felt pregnant all the time?

So I have not taken any birth control since about last July 20th -ish 2008. I have not participated in other non-oral, non-ingested, non-chemical methods of birth control. But the constant problem of not wanting to get pregnant, and yet wanting to have constant sex (with my husband of a year and 2 months) could not be left alone to figure itself out any longer as 1) my husband and I were never really comfortable with the pull-out method with occasional use of a condom and 2) we really enjoy the unionizing feeling of being able for him to come inside of me. So I thought there must be another way.

After investigating IUDs, with little hormones, I was scared away by an older doctor. Feeling very confused, and like there were no options, I tried searching online for other methods. I had heard about a shamanic potion that lasted years, and wondered, how could I find that? Where could I find someone to adminsister it for me.? However I found this site: Sister Zeus's collected information on herbal contraception, among other very useful women's education. (I am not as unbiased as she.)

And I have decided to try some of the methods listed. From this point on these articles will be about my trials with using different forms of herbal contraception.

I am:
1. A generally lazy person
2. Scatter-brained
3. Very-sensitive, especially digestively

..so I thought I'd make a good candidate for the every-woman, the young girl still trying to come to terms with her body and self being one, or the slighty unintentionally rebellious sort. You will find my behavior is not particularly reckless nor careful. I try to take care of myself, I try to excercise more, eat healthy, drive cars less, ride my bike more, use public transportation, recycle, drink loose tea, let go, get drunk not as often, smoke less, do yoga, watch more movies, read more books, write more stories, meet new people, etcetera etcetera... I am a regular 22 year old girl, I happen to be marrried. That single fact gives me increased opportunity to use myself for this pseudo-research. My husband and I have been tested, so there is a small chance of us giving STDs to each other, we are in a monogomous relationship, and although we both don't want for me to get pregnant, if it happened we would handle it together.

And now the methods we are trying...

This is the point where I strart using the word WE. We, are trying different methods, because we are trying not to get pregnant, we have sex together and both us are affected by the environment of either a functioning or dysfunctioning repoductive system. Most of all, using herbal methods of contraception give us opportunities to include male contraception as well.

So what are we doing?

  • Neem - oral intake daily for Him
  • Yarrow - tea
tbcontinued...