n g

"where do i belong god?"


what is it this grit moon grit or shit?

i cant

PUT THINGS IN A PRETTY PACKAGE

it's already in one

Is this okay again? about a baby..

I cannot really explain... how emotional it feels for me to watch the last person i was in love with, have a baby. Good thing though. We won another one for the team. Baby was born on a 19th. In july. So she's a cancer. And being born on a 19th, means you're super special. the baby... born in 2011, will have their 2nd birthday in 2012. We will be turning 1 and 26 a month a part from each other. I wanna cry. I love the baby, I know I will know the baby her whole life, I know we love each other. It no longer burns me that their names rhyme. I love them now. It's just emotional. I am alone. My baby is a yet-born in my own womb, covered like the entrance to a deep tomb.
"something is happening that you don't know what is, do you? mr. jones..."
"he crosses himself then he clicks his high heels."

I do not know what is going. On. Like I said. i wanna cry. I am a child. babies makin babies. Milk from holes. "And you know something's happening, but you don't know what it is."

I suppose, I could look at it like this: That I am an extremely fertile woman, who probably wishes she could have a baby... with a person. OR I am a human being who recognizes the joy of birth. And just it's only been a year and 3 months since we broke up, and in that "short" time (time passes slowly for me, that's why I'm really just 19), he found a partner, and now, a baby. It's not that I'm jealous. I know I will have similar opportunities... Later. But. Just a process I need no thought towards. The process of letting go. Takes time. It's just a little hard for me. But i love that baby. And i love the baby's parents, and they love me. So s'all good.

A baby is just a tiny person.
A baby has tiny fingernails.
A baby is born.
And the whole world rejoices.

was that which was gone around the corner?
how do you count time? in months? may i count in beads?
of sweat? pearls?
of tears? may i count in skin?
in dandruff? how it fills and with what frequency...
time to dry, our softness
mistress oh mistress
i have been counting sheep, I, a shepard
only want to find my shepard.. co-shepard
leaf part
fae oh fae oh fae
fawNn.

how do YOu count time? tell me
i count time in feelings of waves, and waves of sunlight.. years and the cycles of the moon and how often the folds of reality have folded...
OVER

confused again today and over the moon


i love you a lot, don't forget <3 burning man song




"What are you?"
"I am that which you are to. I am: An You Are?"
"What silly perambulations.. Permutations! You see you have me mutating my words like yours!"
"N... U.... R.... ?"
"Vanity?! That's all it is."
"but the flower but the otter but the rudder but the other..."
"But NONSENSE. Your ego is FLOATING."
"Must needs big egos to carry all that weight..."
"Let it go."
"But I will! At Burning Man!"
"Dark outside in the sun right now."
Shallow stories. Said swallowing. Above breath, like above water, breathe in the Ether.


++++++++++++<3++++++++++++++



another hour of coffeee
another mediation with my mother
my lil brother lost and under control
is his own father
feels father farther
family matters
material, he know follows no newtonian classics
underhanded
wants to ride bike
wants grip under seat
wants freedom
wants flying
sister tries to help tries to help tires to help
sheparding those on their path
their path? my path? his idea?
where plane meets water meets clouds meets
SECOND HORIZON
if only I can bring thios boy, this love of mine, the forever kind away from "home" to the unknown arena
of washington state, green trees just as green as anywher else

he hasnt been hasnt been
is older than you
has not been anywhere
never rode a bus, cowboy
i plum forgot
stuck suck stuck forgets Mom is human
loses feeling
empathy
he has it
forgets all is being
inter-
being
love in flowers lost
love in emptyness
is reall
he feels and i must
shepard him into
a new cycle
where we mix comfort with discomfort
to grow
when did we disconnect? Never.
Never ever brother feather

i love him i love him i love him
lay low
fadi
wait oh saviour
we are arab
we feel different
life is hard
i understand
it's okay
always changing
when you come
you will fly
flight will take flight will take charge into
nether regions of
past lines
wrinkles
time space fabric = skin
and it will come alive oh dear brother
love nur love fadi love nur love fadi
light loves its saviour loves its light

I can't go to school unless my writer's libido is satiated. Right now I am "trying" to go to school. So what do I do? I try to describe things. Muscle: In my left arm, the part where the bone reaches the socket, arm to shoulder to shoulder to arm area, I have all these tense muscles from holding my arm in a certain way. what is rigidity? rigidity on a holistic scale?
Okay. i have found some already interesting things. First of all. I can seriously walk on people's backs really easily, maybe I could get better at it? And do massage for people. I have been seriously thinking of doing massage as an introductory way of getting to heal people, and have a back up for money. Of course I would only charge By Donation Only, which means the poor and sick can see me for free.. But back up a second.... can I get a school for this?
hmmmm who am i writing this for? can't I just think this in my head? I don't have like a writing style... I'm just trying to convey myself whichever way it comes out.

+++++++++
poetry comes from chaos. and ive been "fairly" stable lately. what to do...

)))))
yesterday was pretty interesting.
sam broke up with petey. petey went to Farrel Farms w/out sam. petey left his brand new travel mug and I found it. and it is mine. Also sam telepathically talked to the neighbor's cat, and found his true name to be, Johanan. we fed the cat, who most thought abandoned, but he was just the "mangey outdoor cat", but to us he was JOHanan! And we tried to give him love.
I started trading the buddhist center cleaning for classes. They are SO nice to me. i feel pretty at home. Altho I could talk for hours about my love for jesus christ, and my passion for god communion, it is nice, not to be questioned as to what my particular beliefs are. To know, I am amongst many of different beliefs.
this is the last week of school and all my hard work will come to an end....
And summer fun Will Begin!

Yay

Poetic Translation of, THE FORM OF BUDDHA AND HIS-HER VIRTUES

Do not seek to know, Form.
Neither form nor the Real
the True is itself
the Way to know is to Realize

If someone Sees, excellent.
Then thinks-knows,
is the mistake of the ignorant Eye?
for True can not be.
In form seen by human Eyes.
Neither can one. know faultless.
Description.
It IS possible to. Human Words. Or not,

We speak. His-Her form HAS NO form.
But can, in any form.
Many fest.
In any and All, Excellent.

So if one. Distinctly form clear,
Or yet not attached:
to, his her for, or, he, has.
(to see? and know?) in capacity.

ITself!
will disappear....

just like me bYe


______+_____________+__________+__________________


RAIN SPRINKLES!



(((((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))))))))

hey! oh you! child inside! oh you! child, don('t) hide.
I feel ya, knocking up gainst walls. Too small to crawl. But I open my tongue rolls it out, for you to climb. Little child, come inside, to be warm, to be sure, to be love, to be worn. I know you hurt. You are confused. Why do I miss people? Why do I long for the good ol' days? Of 2 weeks ago... But I know. Some scary things. Some fine. All come out in due time. And all the cats are uh comin out to eat of the food bowl. Grey cats skinny cats long cats. Sleeping cats with furr all in their mouth smelling, Meooowww. I love cats. Don't talk to me about it. I put 'em in ma mouth. I lick their furr. They are true walking gods of light. Damn they are fine. Cat obsession? Seems like a good one to have.

shhhh this is a secret. dont tell. dont ask. non reality

Hello World!
For tonight's installment of nurnews, I will share with you the teaching from my class at the Mahayana Buddhist Center.

Desire-some Delusions:
- when you seek after something or someone and then project onto your reality basically. Oh. Like the example of really liking chocolate and even after it gives you a stomach ache, eating even more of it. Or being attracted to someone and then pledging yourself to them, once you merge with them, and become attached, and you project your MINE mINE MINE reality, until they are yours.

- 1st. Identify what youre doing/thinking, the path you're on as one not of a happy/peacful mind (but if it is of a happy peaceful mind then it is not an unhappy path).
- 2nd-ly. Apply an opponent. Turn from your own happiness, shift your mind to the other's happiness, it Matters. And you can use this prayer to get out of a difficult spot:

May you/everyone be happy.
May you/everyone be free from misery.
May you/everyone Never be separated from your happiness.
May you/everyone have equanimity, free of hatred, and free of attachment.


This I earnestly pray for everyone. In effort to switch my mindset, from that of simple self-cherishment.

I truly love you. And I know you are truly made of love. And you truly love me. And nothing, not even fear, or being overwhelmed, or having poor impulse control, will ever keep me from this Love.

it is a joy when i can remember how wonderful we all are and how hard we're al trying to do our best.

_________________________________

mentally debilitated. I exist to express the cognitive depths of humanity. I exist to feel pain, and send it back, as a response. A response is a reflection, alerting the community to what IT feels like. We are all sensors. I am doing a damn good job. I yell and I scream, I use vocal chords to alert the audience to my situation. In the event that you cannot speak or breath, come to me, and I will speak or breath for us all. But if you cannot move or fly, please go towards fire and airy ones, unlike myself. [feeelTHATspiritLORDiPRAY, feelALRIGHTnowFEELalrightNOWlordIpray]

There are several reasons why I am starting to believe the older men who told me I have asperger's, because afterwards I have become a magnet to others who are cognitively similar to, Oh what is it? the idea? The biology under-covers? I don't know. But as if a magnet, I am encountering individuals with similar social behaviors, ones that mesh really well with mine. They are usually people older than me so far, as if waiting around for the moment, so we could find each other. Like yesterday on the bus, a man who told me he had drank 6 or so energy drinks that day. It reminded me of how my mother refused to believe that coffee made you stay awake. And he kept repeating the phrase, "Wired backwards", as in "I'm wired backwards." It was that that made me feel/realize/whatever that he too was like me. This sort of genetic cosmic resonance, that emanates from within and from without our bodies. Now, I also, as a healer, attract specifically those with nerve issues, that very much have to do with the central and sympathetic nervous system, particularly issues concerning the myelin sheathing around neurons, and the wearing out of nerves in general.

On another topic: do you know what cultural rage is?
my people, the Palestinians, oppress and become oppressed, through the holding on of anger, and pain in the body. Help Us. Oh anyone realize this is a cycle within and without. We need help. We have so much love to let loose. We hold it in and it hurts. But we would like to let it go. Let go of love. Let go of land.

TODAY I PULL MY BRONZE PIECE OUTTA THE INVESTMENT AND USE CRAZY LARGE POWER TOOOLS ON METAL! Yippeeee!

Well.. 2 weeks ago I felt like I was at my wits end, with my reactions. So I started going to the Mahayana Buddhist Center downtown. and the Nalanda Institute and have found all the places to practice different forms of Buddhism. Like a long wrapping paper made of many strings, perhaps this began years ago.

remember remember remember... and walk away. you wanna hide from everyone. Secretly cannot wait for x y z to leave.
what are avoiding? can you take a breath for me? [and we did and for that breath the rocks and twigs and leaves danced)


tail ended.
backwards fins rile up our hands.
they are fish spins that help your hands move like water.
[will they find my secret? will they forgive me?]
what was kali like in my mythology, when she was a human on earth?
kali was bustin
balls
but i dont know her no, I know sam shine
i got globs of shine falling off my hands
held up to the sun
"Can I get some compassionate listening?"
asking to be given what you are not giving
you are what you are told you are
what you tell yourself
she was a tomato she was a fig
she fell to the ground all red
prostrated then, into a plum
pro-lithic edged nails
one of two only human species
blanketed idea like cataracts covers eyes
meeting aliens
peering out my window
i look up at the sky
and wonder
where can i go to help me be less self-cherishing?
do i go to where i stop writing?
do i go to silence?

do i jump into rainbow holes of unknown?
do i die with this fight?
how many times is my compassion slashed by my rage?
was she a mother? a stone?
a belly soft and big so immaculate
to lay on
his name is eric
he is the keeper of the woods
the yellow leaves
sing in his rejoice
the orange leaves turn their heads | to the ground and tiny ground pieces of small round dirt | perk up
like deer dear dear oh you in the head-lice
light liver a lover up and cover her him we with some flam shooters
sparks out fire does works
opulence
opiates
of mass
and weight
are toe
differences that wrap up together to create one
united. paradox. spinning .
when you open your palm it floats above it
this is as, was as, will be as, real as,
it gets

Specs. Tried trues. Marks. There are things you can say or not say.
what you are you are not
all i can do is look at nature for answers
when a leaf falls, it really seems like goodthing.
a god thing even
a mixed thing
a neutral thing
algae
so clean
cleanse water
cleanse hands shaped like water
hands shaped like fish
hands shaped and shaping the world
with the mid brain region of our spoil
the skull
contains
many
mysteries

thoughts summer manic nur gets it ouut

i really want to go to south america this winter

i am ready to explore my mayan roots.
i was once a mayan princess... now what can i give back to my people?

i would like to help animals and people who have experienced trauma, people that just need someone to care about them, wash their wounds, teach them whatever they want to know, explore and adventure nature together, in a super innocent hey maybe we dont need to know the truth truth kind of way, i mean isnt truth everywhere?
i know i can show a lot of care, i just dont have specific skills

i would like to go with a buddy but life has consistently told me, that if i keep searching for a buddy to do cool stuff with, ill never get to it.
maybe god will send me a buddy and all I have to do is prepare to go myself.


note to self: aerial silks, hula hoops, try to figure out how to help people or enjoy people that sketch you out bec they have drug problems

trying to write down a song that gets stuck in my head, good

as we throw to the water
our soul takes covers
in the flight of the flame
what is lost is regained

forward motion is wanderin
and fortune is floundering
what we thought we had made
what was olde in its grave

and for seasons we wandered and found all our mathers
put bed into clay
blood is man blood is safe

and when all we are older and thoughts have grown bolder
what we thought now has changed
what was old is now safe

la da da da di da da la da da di did da d a la da la da da la , la la da la la la.

in other nur news: it feel like old nur is coming back. old nur is hyper as shit 24/7 yo. also these aspies (their term) that i met at the buddhist center downtown told me they think i have aspergers over breakfast this morning. i felt a weird cosmic resonance w/ them... don't know what to think! hmm... catching up on true blood and awaiting my sculpture to get POURED w/ BRONZE! contemplating how i will throw my performance piece together in 10 days.. mhmm. also CANT STOP SMILING. I SKIPPED ALL THE WAY HOME TODAY feels like flying... anyhow... i feel guilty for not helping people alot, until i realize i help people so much i am never alone, and am constantly trying to provide food and shelter for people that need/want/deserve it. i always want to live in a hosue that is willing to receive the homeless and travelling. however i realized i am not okay with greediness, or neediness. Hopefully I learn more about this, and I just wish it will transform into an easier situation where I dont have to wonder whether people are taking advantage of me. SMILES ON SKULLS! love nur