don't edit the sad parts

The real love of my life will.want me? Won't they? They'll want to spend time with mr and create together and work thongs out together? Won't they?? And it's ok to love someone more than they love you, as long as you have boundaries with them and don't expect much, right? Still sad, but less sad tofay. The real love will at the very least share their troubles with me? I'm an idealist. I don't think I made the first move Tho. He has tp disappear for me to realize he wasn't good enough fpr me, not because of anything inherent within him but simply because he wasn't willing to try harder, or do it together. So I have to accept that. Love is real, but, I mean with sacred flaws and all, I was offering my soul on a platter. And when I went to the sacrificial table, it was just me all alone.

person person

dear person inside this outside person,

stop trying to communicate to people who don't care about you but who have built their life upon a mountain of obligations they don't really connect to. or maybe you just don't understand them. but please stop trying to write them letters. and crying. as if you could electronically send your tears.

dear person person,

it is very sad and i am upset at myself. that i cannnot stop feeling so strongly that i just hesitate. and nothing gets done. and i am erased. i start again.

i know i have mental illness. but i know that. i am stubborn. and i want to. do it my own way.

i feel sad.

and also there is other parts of me.


i wish i could talk to elizabeth because she understands these things

i am weary

something is messed up in my head, cause a fly could trigger this emotional reaction.

i know it has to do with being abandoned by my father when i was little.

i know this now.

this awful and false-seeeming reaction.

why i am i still twelve?

and i always give people advice, good advice too, and who can help me?
no one.
i can only help myself.


i wish i didnt cry for hours

yet.

i pre planned this mental breakdown, more than a year ago.

so i would have the freedom. to be this sad.

i still love you N. so, don't give up, just cause you don't understand why you feel so strongly about everything.

love to the zero
n.

dragon fly

a dragon fly flew up to my second story window.
i am in love again.

i am in love with a dream. a boy who is yet a man.

with the steam from the humid summer air.
with the dirt in my face from falling down and making a fool of myself.

if your emotions are wild.

there are kitty cats on sky ropes
clawing their way outta the glass ceiling tight gaurd

for the non sense people

who smush their tiny little kittie heads into watermelon squares

so sorry.

but i will never call you on the phone.

because i am an asshole.

love


me


your mother kitten
tongue splitten
good licken
lover

splendid

this is my journal. AN online public exhibitionist's journal. mostly written in the form of poetry.
I've found that i can't say everything out loud. Some parts of my mind are a bit too painful for others. i mean hardly anyone reads this... but i was asked once to take something down. and i did.

right today. the verge of things changing.
right now today. it is 2 days past the turning point.
was it the full moon in capricorn? that made me feel like it was time.
how did i get the gift of coming stability?

i recently got word I was accepted to live in a really beautiful house. i have always wanted to live in a really beautiful house that would allow me to be most productive.


i hope to catch a sunshine river... slide down the sunshine slide...


how amazing these different parts of us.

i love someone.
i love many people.

i am strong in myself.
i'm a tiger.

the universe will take care of me, if i exchange my work in hand.

i have much to give.

i am building strength.

i am awakening.

i have faith the struggle before me will turn out fortuitious.

i beleieve in the power of love to draw in more love.

i believe it's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as you try to be conscious of respecting their boundaries, which is still really hard.


im okay. even when sad things happen. i know i will always be okay. and just because i love people real hard doesn't mean that i am depending on them for external strength. only my heart is so full and wants to learn how to love and be healthy.

ii'm movin to philly what what!

KBYE <3 p="">

lizzie the levy

i had a boyfriend he was made to die
shot the apple of his eye
hole in one
pie in the sky

i had a lover
laid her under
thought about touching her hands
her lips
and smile

so i prostrate on the ground drove a screw through my eye
Oedipus
complex

confusion for a non-conformist

severed my wrists
and placed them down
hoping soon they'd grow
and be found
by someone who i'd never know
by someone who i may never know
by someone who i never knew

by my open mouth and by my wound down wings
now a spinning doll, at least one that sings
when you wind me up i cannot stop
just like the earth's rotation
the things you'll never know
the language that is never spoken

all rhythms rhyme.
all lines divine.

because there are words you'll never know.

one open mouth that breathes,
a mind is an animalistic thing
i feed it celery
and water
and hope it'll never grow
taller
than my rooftop alter.

because i don't own a thing.
i am a fly.
am no where
like the golden ghosts that wait
on the edges of my toes
i dance over speckled bugs and rings
of designer fashion
orbits
and lit up parallelograms

the process is in the pudding and the pudding is all on my face
but when i lift my head at daybreak
stare into a mirror
and roar
I have fucking chocolate pudding all over my face.
and am proud.
or my place in this life.
i can be nothing else.
than my choices even the way i breathe.
with red on my face
i still do not change
so why not the most raw nonsense?

in autumn things will settle down.
another year will pass and i will still be here.
in my body.

star (t)

star people .
star poison.
play strings of mental harmonies.
that ride yer soul up the windy river.
and beam downloads
like incredible energy.
i send my bat signal.
nightly.
so you can save me from,
these horrific humans.

and yet perhaps i am from here.
my tetra terra
my lover in chains.

were you the alien?
and perhaps there is pain behind those tiny eyes that seem so strange to me.
if i were a bodhisattva, i'd never leave this genetic ribbon alone, though my fingers swell with strain.

oh star people. please come visit me.
and show me how large my family could be.
and what sort of precautions i could take to not be devoured
by these residuallly believable android figures
which could be you or i
and both horrific in relation/inverse relation
in revelation.

i can agree. i can. compassion.

aside from the sliver of moonlight that bleeds from above.

there are tiny neon dots of freedom

from the thread gill

who breathes so heavily
in this dirt

star player. star seer. start here. end nowhere.
hole in one spin.

in a roving river

today I woke definitely shaky

my body is shaking and i feel emotionally shaky as if i could fall out of my body at any given moment.

spectacular nails bleed water

sometimes. hard black asphalt crying. sometimes raised roof tears. sometimes blood outta socket. sometimes tendons are shoe stringed. finger nails crawl and eyes stare long towards the sun. they sit like that for hours. and when the wind knocks you up, the ocean will sweep you into its waves. the sunshine shimmers spectacularly. one breath is enough. a bowl of past blood sweat and gold. magnified by the divine will inside your tied-in-two. a corn worshipping peoples. a feather worshipping saint. a long very long oh so long finger nail sigh. recovery from an addiction, of asphalt crawling. of backwards dream glow head. of inside outside eye cone. red green. red green blue. blue no yellow. fire. hide it.
hide it or she will get it. she/he/we will take it. metallic fire breath. only one is enough. sometimes. lungs hurt and heave to breathe naturally. when one grows up with no real life example of love. on the ass back-fault nails sink creep into skin rivers end.  one  can stare as long as is enough into the most natural thing on earth. the blaze of the wind hitting you upside that head. as it drags your body back into the sea/womb/corner pocket. if needles and spindles and rivers and white owl feathers and shadows and rabid dog whisperers and children and magical sunsets, radishes, and diamond tears were real things, these beautiful copper pennies would be so sticky in the sun. but as it is, these beautiful pennies are so sticky in the sun. dashboard mom. dials backwards sun. delivers backwords songs. fights for clarity nails it hard.
a sign asking for patiency. and pageantry. and regenerative blue-green-current.
gs up hos down.

balb blah blah life im stuck in the 90s

Dear Diary Lover Layer,

It wasn't that great of a birthday party but at least Brian was there. Brian and I also spent much of the following weekend together, but then i freaked out like a cat and Brian freaked out like a cat even though he tried to pretend that it was all okay and beautiful. Is Brian really so naive? Could it be true that Brian really doesn't understand that I don't want I mostly absent boyfriend? How sad Freyja's golden tears must have been.

It feels best to string aside Brian's love like another pearl.
It is a sort of uncommitted love, but I sort of understand that Brian may not be developed enough to have an adult relationship, whatever that means.

This is the 4th time I've had a mostly conscious love affair. I must say my heart beats in circles, because it feels so weird, but all relationships do. The idea that I could have  a normal causal not overly intense fair and balanced relationship seems possibly impossible?

I feel like my relationships are always lacking in continuity. I feel forever awkward. I might get more schoolwork done if I wasn't falling deeper in love with someone. But especially someone who I can't see all the time.

It really sucks. It really sucks. It sucks that I can't just meet up and chill, or go for a walk. And the time we have spent together is so condensed and like a flipped switch ON or OFF.

I think my head in high heaven would want me to end this. But Brian is so cute and lovable.

there is no where to burrow when you live above ground

there is no where to burrow when you live above dirt

watching someone burn

on television

versus

sending naked pictures of yourself to yourself from an alias

to pretend you're in love

versus

making tiny cups of coffee in your mind with an unused espresso maker

that sits in the corner

growing dust and whiskers

versus

smushing your lips up against the mirrors

in a bathing suit

after swimming

and your hair is all coarse from the bleach-water

versus

the light hitting all the angles of the most mundane objects

producing geometric shapes in shadows

versus

an ol' bust-up

bust

made of clay

with her lips sewn shut

with two sides of her sewn shut

in the best attempt to undo

backwards progress

disintegrated ideals

body & body

versus

tears that drip down the back of your throat

as numbing as cocaine

down through aching lungs

versus

joyful sunshine fingers
in the wind
out of a car window

versus

those fingers covering your eyes
making crosses
hiding from the light that is totally encapsulating your back

versus

lines of arms stomach squish
my breasts squish
thighs squish
and tighter
in warm embraces
solitary spaces

versus

only your hands
only these hands staring you in the face
only these lines
only these wrinkles

versus

and when you unwrap yourself
maybe this morning
will be met
with more than fleeting
shining strings of upturned chin and upturned eyes
and downturned squishy toes in the dirt
like dandelion
a quite resilient weed

it is okay.
these seeds germinate in the wind