you can't go home again

you can't return to the point in which your paid pain originated
was it at birth this started?

\you\can\not\womb\again

you cannot lose again

you can't tie your shoes twice again

un-tie them to return to the center, because it's gone

words left to rot in the air
next day have air dried
like your forehead sweat from a night of heavy breathing

you can never go back again
that place is gone again
it will never return again

you can only pretend to run your fingers through it again

it's over.

i'm so sorry for your lost.

did you lose yourself too?

i have forgotten.

who am I again?

i can never go back again, stare myself in the eye again.

I can only breathe in what's left of me from my body
and hope the new breath of the new me feels clean enough
to enter into my soul
dirty enough to be shed on the next exhale
queer enough to not make me straight

can never go home again
can never speak of my self again
can never believe I exist when i don't also not exist.
can't love you again.
because it's gone.
and we're not here anymore
there's no point
can never believe again
that you are more than what you are when you're here again
can never go home again
can only
already be there.