CA Conrad

I'm afraid I've gone crazy. Just because i touched david Wolach. I feel crazy and thats a really okay thing. I just want to be alone and I want everyone to stay the fuck away from me. Mostly.

frustration

i feel extremely frustrated with the world
and how slow it moves soemtimes

i mean the earth and me, we're fast

and you tip toeing around passive salmon slippers









one day. me and david wolach will be brothers.

con art rad

im not okay im not okay im not okay
I AM OKAY
hyperventilation suystem skin tight mix and match broken rafters wood and porn
i dont want to make porn with you anymore bec. i am an evil monster and i can't trust you. end story. to the end bec. in the end . We all disappear. i never met you. I was just here. i was only a ghost.
CA Conrad made time to write a note next to my name to invite me to the st. mark's 24-hour event.

thank you God. it seems like I will be going to the east coast but I am severely apprehensive about it.
Is someone calling me? Is it you God? God wrote me sexy text messages fro, the stars and I masturbated to each and every one of them- in my heart. in my heart of hearts. I fell in love with all the ideas. the clouds. Now God wants his sexy text messages back. and forth.
back. and forth.
God said, I would tie you up if you just weren't so damned cute. I said, God, I'd tie you up. if you were'nt so Me.
I'm afraid Ive burnt my left hand of darkness off. None of this shallow bullshit.

Gender bullies. I aint afraid o' them no more.

Group meetings suck . i think they suck I think they suck i think they suck I think they suck,
and in my headphones only white noise.
now. blonde redhead. so .    I take them down.


won't someone sleep in my bed. sex is such a great excuse to scare your roommates & friends away. love is even better. but sleep. sleep shallows my breath. won't somone sleep JUST SLEEP with God who God wants to sleep with?

I am moving into my own studio house. I am very happy.

_____________________________________________


a public letter to my uncle who i will never know.

Dear George,


I cannot express in words the anger that rises in my chest. When I remember the eyes of my child self, as I so patiently watched you in sparse moments throughout the years. I do not agree with how you have ever treated my mother. I feel like I understand so deeply, and I would and do make a different choice.
Nor can I express the constant disassociation from my heritage. These things are not your fault. But I am sure you can in the deep place in your heart understand, you know I always knew you could tell, that I am angry, that I am forced to find my 'Roots' on my own.


I always knew that this was a choice. What I do not understand is why you did not have the same loyalty I have towards my brothers towards your sister, when was the separation? Did you ever play together as children?

Do you understand my mother has been traumatized as a child? When you watched those 3 children hide and speak lightly, did you not realize how psychological it all was? Have you heard of the term 'inter-generational trauma'? When I read in Amer's blog, the hole in the hearts of the Palestinians, do you know I too have a hole in my heart?

I cannot imagine having a relationship with your family that doesn't require my family to put themselves into submission.

People can be oppressed from many different angles. I do not have the strength to admit this to you in person. I will hide and feel shame, as those who are taught fear do.

This is only my opinion. I have never shared this with anyone. But I do not want or wish anymore to re-connect.
When I can feel that you cut the cord many years ago.

This is a message from many years ago.
This is a message from a child who is still afraid of the dark, and who still wishes she could have been friends with her cousins, who remembers everything.



When one cannot find family in blood, they find family in land that even as people try to divide, it stands unified.
(and as a side-note, I write these words consciously, these are not the verbal mutterings of a mad man.)


I do not wish to cause sadness or pain. I only seek release for these long-held feelings. Because I never knew you, I felt like I could never say anything.
I do not expect to ever know you. You are old and life is already full.



Sincerely,
Nur Abir Greene

hey hey hey

I seriously feel like a train wreck one who adjusts their levers as they slide up alongside

I know this is a rocket ship


and all the time spent crying'

fills the ocean of lava




OH MAN

God is a Bad Ass too

so lost and wandering and what do you do when joy collides with the awareness of having forgotten just who you are and what you like to do

beckoning fingers only lay in tendrils when you shoot them down
a dove cries harder like thick texture
scratchy and unattractive
like that one side of face
fake face faker
and apparently....

 A definitive jaw is the mark of a strong will
and God has to have a strong will
[this is the point at which my blog begins to refer to myself as God, from now on]
to chop
dem bones apart

eleven times infinity set of bones buzzing machine seize
elven trembling infinite blurg off bass add machinery SEIZURES
and elephant squiggling on the roadside lost and alone
won't someone just hug God once? who God wants to hug?
won't someone view God as simply an alright extreme to indulge in?
can't sex with God be the kind of bliss that is both kinky and innocent?
God wants love full of chaos and string
God trembles and their hand does fall
a public defendant of the undefending rights of creature to create lies
little liar cells, God permeates y'all
God, the soda-masochist, thinks pain is tendrils of bundled cords and electrical wires, shorn
open cut wound electric bind
and suck fuck  mass absorption
One can't even remember what it felt like to be that lost
God is putting out a personal ad that reads, "Fuckers of a Spiritual Dimension Wanted to Explore the Root & Sacral Chakra: Must Be a Bad-Ass and into Consent, Cuddling, and Mutual Intrinsic Attraction"

Wait, God, that's actually a really good idea.

Day Two:

Well, I did it. I did it. I did it. Nothign will ever come from it. I did it and it won't make a difference. God is too much of an inter-galactic space warrior and just can't connect that well to the every day man.
Not like Ol' Jim Blair... Not like Jimmy at all. That world class blue collar working man's man.

That Man is a Hard Man who God Loves like deeply a knife sticking into one's pocket. POCKET.. And when i refer to ONE I am not talking about "the One" or "someone", I speak of the NUMBER ONE.

The numb of one or what? Nubby numbs pickin' mushroom thumbs.



the value of the number one the infinity of the number one the exclusivity and inclusivity concave convexity of the number ONE! GOD I love that number. because I multiply it a thousand hearts towards [ ] and it keeps everything the same. God eye would say that the number One is the most gentle and forgiving of all numbers. and it's like the basis of Math.. oh yeah.. and Zero. Fuck Zero.

hard or , NOt at all!

only these fragmented copies of words reveal none the lesss well they are less than some

only these fragmented hard ache back fake lacking in speech moods


only this anger can reveal these words
only this fire can eat
and i eat a whole lot. one egg. is not fine. is not okay.

weathering pages and long memories. left unturned. i ate you.
i ate from the corners to the center in a diagnol line so very neat with my tongue
on point. relieve. on tops of feets.
so dolphin swim spin spat out
no more puzzle just pussy cunt fuck. all that pornographic language down the toilet. very neat on the tip of your tongue down the drain swim spin. out.

god. i know love is hate.
god. i know love is hate.
god damn. love is hate.
the greatest most played out love. and the greatest most played out hate.

a claw out kitten.
will claw your eyes out lest they be forgiven.

im tired of vitamin d

i'm tired of being told i need vitamin d

when did i start needing it?

is it why im so depressed and low sometimes?

there are lies being told to us that we have to use things outside of ourselves
or make these things into an "other" until we reach our arm out to it, and our arm is just not long enough

post title

things don't stop. how do you not interact with your own heart earth?


this writing has escaped me.


won't he just go away?
i mean, they/.//.d??? wha hwha wha

wah wah wah
what what what

well hole well is a whole world hell