sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Monday, December 31, 2012


Snowing and the crows are gathering

On fist on point
Fist knuckle
No blood only runes these days all secret magicians eat dust
Better make a baby before you get old
Even if babies are raw greens & your butt in the air
Baby in the aire

Oh the crows send genetic messaging
Much more fluid than this scramble

But oh I love to mush up my food and help my stomach out before it gets ta workin

Jesus. Please Thor. I would love some electricity.



Thursday, December 27, 2012

Write a tear from here

Kindergarten mouthful

Write a tear from here tear a feather drill from here
While the whisps get unfettered
Lie yer soul upon the weather
For a s'word is better
To be worn an armored sweater
Than fer a cold gallon march
To begin from wher'er it starts
And slops.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

26 1/2 Nur

I just don't grow up that much. This is the documentation of that.

Despite believing I am deformed. Despite acknowledging all social interaction under the guise of being some exception to the rules of Beauty, thus being accepted into physically normal social circles based on merit. Despite not knowing how much I gross other humans out (teeth snarl, face pinch, general lack of hygiene, not smelling well/knowing when things smell) . I am in love with myself.


What is the socio spiritual significance of blood, especially in ritual?

Is it really all smoke and mirrors?

Merry Christmas! I drink to the blood of Jesus Christ my Lord and Saviour.

Monday, December 24, 2012

De form

It is that I believe myself to be physically deformed, that I have trouble believing that anyone "normal " will never be able to see themselves in the same light, & thus I am grotesque
Only through some major body modification will I ever honestly feel free to be myself & inside my body

Friday, December 7, 2012


like this is my god

like this like that
it's like this it's like that

run heart

agitated depressed and the feeling of skin itchyness
mallowed grin turning swallows towards winter
a smart ass alack lacking smart ass plans

where did my family go? through which rabbit hole.. of sterness

i will visit david wolach i will try real hard
eat green eggs and ham
cat fights

Thursday, December 6, 2012

ache bay lady bones
ya zz gotta me down and dryin

in the alabaster fields of plantain
i go home a'cryin
not able to discern difference between
myself and a kiss

Sunday, December 2, 2012

love is a lake

Dear God,

I am sad today because I haven't gotten better and this thing called attachment stares me in the face. I am very happy. I deliver sweet smells and kisses to your doorstep. I don't remember love, but if Love was once forgetting who you are or how you began to feel a certain way, then Love is not real.
I am crying.
Love must be real, but Love must also be peace for it to be real. They are all attached arn't they? It seems.
It seems as if they are. But some of them are very good at hiding it. But I can't tell and I can't Clel and so I don't really know. Some fast Some things slow.

Dear Lord,

I love you so much and the way in which you put me on my path delights me so very much. I give myself the peace to be and do nothing. How much i love your silky ways. I love them. I love them all the same. I seek structure and not chaos. I seek healing. because the only thing stopping me is my pain and suffering. My fear. My hopes My loud lousy Mother's voice in the back of my head, "You messed up. You drank. You lost. You faded. You didn't do so well today. Try better." What do you know of me? You hear my thoughts but you forget I bleed and I love so well and I hug so hard and all I want to do is be alone inside myself bones dear ones that do not drop and keep form. Beloved form. Beloved lines. Beloved layers. All I need is to love you like my life depended on it.


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

CA Conrad

I'm afraid I've gone crazy. Just because i touched david Wolach. I feel crazy and thats a really okay thing. I just want to be alone and I want everyone to stay the fuck away from me. Mostly.


i feel extremely frustrated with the world
and how slow it moves soemtimes

i mean the earth and me, we're fast

and you tip toeing around passive salmon slippers

one day. me and david wolach will be brothers.

con art rad

im not okay im not okay im not okay
hyperventilation suystem skin tight mix and match broken rafters wood and porn
i dont want to make porn with you anymore bec. i am an evil monster and i can't trust you. end story. to the end bec. in the end . We all disappear. i never met you. I was just here. i was only a ghost.
CA Conrad made time to write a note next to my name to invite me to the st. mark's 24-hour event.

thank you God. it seems like I will be going to the east coast but I am severely apprehensive about it.
Is someone calling me? Is it you God? God wrote me sexy text messages fro, the stars and I masturbated to each and every one of them- in my heart. in my heart of hearts. I fell in love with all the ideas. the clouds. Now God wants his sexy text messages back. and forth.
back. and forth.
God said, I would tie you up if you just weren't so damned cute. I said, God, I'd tie you up. if you were'nt so Me.
I'm afraid Ive burnt my left hand of darkness off. None of this shallow bullshit.

Gender bullies. I aint afraid o' them no more.

Group meetings suck . i think they suck I think they suck i think they suck I think they suck,
and in my headphones only white noise.
now. blonde redhead. so .    I take them down.

won't someone sleep in my bed. sex is such a great excuse to scare your roommates & friends away. love is even better. but sleep. sleep shallows my breath. won't somone sleep JUST SLEEP with God who God wants to sleep with?

I am moving into my own studio house. I am very happy.


a public letter to my uncle who i will never know.

Dear George,

I cannot express in words the anger that rises in my chest. When I remember the eyes of my child self, as I so patiently watched you in sparse moments throughout the years. I do not agree with how you have ever treated my mother. I feel like I understand so deeply, and I would and do make a different choice.
Nor can I express the constant disassociation from my heritage. These things are not your fault. But I am sure you can in the deep place in your heart understand, you know I always knew you could tell, that I am angry, that I am forced to find my 'Roots' on my own.

I always knew that this was a choice. What I do not understand is why you did not have the same loyalty I have towards my brothers towards your sister, when was the separation? Did you ever play together as children?

Do you understand my mother has been traumatized as a child? When you watched those 3 children hide and speak lightly, did you not realize how psychological it all was? Have you heard of the term 'inter-generational trauma'? When I read in Amer's blog, the hole in the hearts of the Palestinians, do you know I too have a hole in my heart?

I cannot imagine having a relationship with your family that doesn't require my family to put themselves into submission.

People can be oppressed from many different angles. I do not have the strength to admit this to you in person. I will hide and feel shame, as those who are taught fear do.

This is only my opinion. I have never shared this with anyone. But I do not want or wish anymore to re-connect.
When I can feel that you cut the cord many years ago.

This is a message from many years ago.
This is a message from a child who is still afraid of the dark, and who still wishes she could have been friends with her cousins, who remembers everything.

When one cannot find family in blood, they find family in land that even as people try to divide, it stands unified.
(and as a side-note, I write these words consciously, these are not the verbal mutterings of a mad man.)

I do not wish to cause sadness or pain. I only seek release for these long-held feelings. Because I never knew you, I felt like I could never say anything.
I do not expect to ever know you. You are old and life is already full.

Nur Abir Greene

Sunday, November 25, 2012

hey hey hey

I seriously feel like a train wreck one who adjusts their levers as they slide up alongside

I know this is a rocket ship

and all the time spent crying'

fills the ocean of lava


Saturday, November 10, 2012

God is a Bad Ass too

so lost and wandering and what do you do when joy collides with the awareness of having forgotten just who you are and what you like to do

beckoning fingers only lay in tendrils when you shoot them down
a dove cries harder like thick texture
scratchy and unattractive
like that one side of face
fake face faker
and apparently....

 A definitive jaw is the mark of a strong will
and God has to have a strong will
[this is the point at which my blog begins to refer to myself as God, from now on]
to chop
dem bones apart

eleven times infinity set of bones buzzing machine seize
elven trembling infinite blurg off bass add machinery SEIZURES
and elephant squiggling on the roadside lost and alone
won't someone just hug God once? who God wants to hug?
won't someone view God as simply an alright extreme to indulge in?
can't sex with God be the kind of bliss that is both kinky and innocent?
God wants love full of chaos and string
God trembles and their hand does fall
a public defendant of the undefending rights of creature to create lies
little liar cells, God permeates y'all
God, the soda-masochist, thinks pain is tendrils of bundled cords and electrical wires, shorn
open cut wound electric bind
and suck fuck  mass absorption
One can't even remember what it felt like to be that lost
God is putting out a personal ad that reads, "Fuckers of a Spiritual Dimension Wanted to Explore the Root & Sacral Chakra: Must Be a Bad-Ass and into Consent, Cuddling, and Mutual Intrinsic Attraction"

Wait, God, that's actually a really good idea.

Day Two:

Well, I did it. I did it. I did it. Nothign will ever come from it. I did it and it won't make a difference. God is too much of an inter-galactic space warrior and just can't connect that well to the every day man.
Not like Ol' Jim Blair... Not like Jimmy at all. That world class blue collar working man's man.

That Man is a Hard Man who God Loves like deeply a knife sticking into one's pocket. POCKET.. And when i refer to ONE I am not talking about "the One" or "someone", I speak of the NUMBER ONE.

The numb of one or what? Nubby numbs pickin' mushroom thumbs.

the value of the number one the infinity of the number one the exclusivity and inclusivity concave convexity of the number ONE! GOD I love that number. because I multiply it a thousand hearts towards [ ] and it keeps everything the same. God eye would say that the number One is the most gentle and forgiving of all numbers. and it's like the basis of Math.. oh yeah.. and Zero. Fuck Zero.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

hard or , NOt at all!

only these fragmented copies of words reveal none the lesss well they are less than some

only these fragmented hard ache back fake lacking in speech moods

only this anger can reveal these words
only this fire can eat
and i eat a whole lot. one egg. is not fine. is not okay.

weathering pages and long memories. left unturned. i ate you.
i ate from the corners to the center in a diagnol line so very neat with my tongue
on point. relieve. on tops of feets.
so dolphin swim spin spat out
no more puzzle just pussy cunt fuck. all that pornographic language down the toilet. very neat on the tip of your tongue down the drain swim spin. out.

god. i know love is hate.
god. i know love is hate.
god damn. love is hate.
the greatest most played out love. and the greatest most played out hate.

a claw out kitten.
will claw your eyes out lest they be forgiven.

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

im tired of vitamin d

i'm tired of being told i need vitamin d

when did i start needing it?

is it why im so depressed and low sometimes?

there are lies being told to us that we have to use things outside of ourselves
or make these things into an "other" until we reach our arm out to it, and our arm is just not long enough

post title

things don't stop. how do you not interact with your own heart earth?

this writing has escaped me.

won't he just go away?
i mean, they/.//.d??? wha hwha wha

wah wah wah
what what what

well hole well is a whole world hell

Monday, October 29, 2012

to do list: infinity

to do list exhibition style...

1. must draw tensions in the body on piece of paper, or computer AT SCHOOL TODAY???? ON THE COMPUTER? no, not really. at home on apiece of paper.
 - tomorrow get 1st drawing from locker scan both, post on moodle, nothing fancy
REVIEW: home/paper-drawing

2. read 1st 4 chapters of Zinker's Gestalt book... where? no where yet
 - zinker youtube video
- books and videos in library
- books about gestalt / or reseacrh online

- free box, organize stuff
-get organ from car

4. Put heater in Car!


6. Check in With Claire about babysitting job.

+ blue ribbon locker 930AM @ school!!!!
+ papers plus scanners
+ post on moodle
+ go to class early, danse.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

form anti form

for m anti form

basket ball | no ball no basket

\anythign you want to be/


anti - time and the never been

from/form to form/from


Today I feel as if a huge block in my life were removed. what was feasible last week feels different this week.

I still have much work to do but I feel more confident.

battle fight
form to fight
form to flight

Form, anti-form
soemtimes it is the dsofter momens of life when belly up jellyfish tenderpink
when belly up tender stroke swimm players
when famil times stone skipping soft quiet monet when you decide to rejoice

and i love you

Monday, October 22, 2012

what do we want? we want non-threatening male counter-parts
we want a non-mechanics system
free like string
female to male
concave or convex?
i don't care it
s just a slight of hand

a little bit to the left or right YOU TELL ME
i can
t keep these straight or spiraling right-hand rule electro-magnetic circuits
all uP in my brain
i'm a swerve godamnit \ not just random..
Unknowing, but not random, bullshit.
god damn. empty space. machine
when it
's an orb baby.
anus baby
that built the drip baby
twist and squueeze baby
..just one kind of motion.

of excremental rest



Friday, October 19, 2012

oh MY Jesus Christ iw as visited by a blue angel last night

I couldnt have a more faithful hearted Mom! I love her.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

The Collective Spirit

The Collective Spirit

An attempt to draw together the philosophical idea of the collective unconsciousness, the cycles of the seasons on Earth, and the patterns of behavior for those who experience Anxiety & Depression.

When we see a cup of water left out over the day, we might notice some of the water gone, maybe after a good heavy rain, we notice the rain puddles disappearing the next day. This we learned in school is evaporation, one of the Earth's many processes that show us that nothing dies and everything is connected. When energy cannot be created nor destroyed, where does it go? And how many cyclical processes can we observe through their effect?

The water in the rain puddles travels into the surrounding air, but we notice this influence by the lack of puddle still around. Sometimes we notice by the feeling of extra moisture in the air, on our skin. But we do not see the travel, the transformation, so often. Mostly, we sense the processes of nature by how it affects us, and what the outcome of it's effect is.

Another example, is the barometric pressure system entering into our area.

Everything is affecting us! We are to be a fool if we are to ignore this! Positive? Negative? Left? Right? Forward or backwards.. Does it matter if science teaches us the categories for our perception? What about how it feels I mean this is America. I want a hamburger and the pill that helps me to forget the sensation of eating the hamburger. I want a hot shower every morning. No thing is really positive. The shower is an experience; The temperature is the . The up direction could just as well be experienced as down. What really makes sense? What can we hold onto that will bring us happiness?
I say we are part of a very large non-mechanical system. Not a single event passes unmarked and unable to mark. The swish of movement, whether it be time space matter emptyness, is felt universally. Depending on the focus we have of that movement, it may be central, it may come from an 'external' source, it may be universal, or it may be relative, it may be universal in auniversal way.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

i hate organizations and I'm not a hobo

there's nothing more disgusting to witness than a crowd of intellectuals gathering officially with posters to
about writing

i hate the way we forget how to commune with each other when we're not doing it "officially"
get your teachers far away from where ever you are
pay them money
lectures only allowed if you sign a bunch of paperwork
trees don't get to party

crush plans
crush the man

just gimme some sweet oscillations to keep me asleep at night


um um um um this:


OH MY THIS IS ecstasy

Saturday, October 13, 2012

the thing is

I don't know if i relate to anyone except through their own suffering.

Love for me may be more similar to empathy.

I allow myself to be saved and want to save others.

I cannot talk, but feel blood.

I desire connection through the physicality of our bond, not simply metaphysically or spiritual.
But I must hide until it is time to help or serve others.

Invitations are open to every heart that bleeds. But I can offer no camaraderie or entertainment.

It is time to return to the cavelike structures recording in my DNA and the womb-like structures that taught me how to breathe. All those who would like to be close family can enter.

I am tired of pretending I understand these words other than my own, and that we speak a common language with our tongues, no but we speak a common language with our bodies. And you are all telling me to retreat, for we are one body in awareness of our self. And we wish to let me be alone. So I can learn how to teach myself to teach others how to breathe.

So my tears bring joy not only desperation and pity.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

le petit mort

This episode brought to you by..... Hatred!

in the mind, "well it feels like something so uncomfortable so deep and also distorted that I just don't want to pull it out."

in my heart verbalized by the mind, "well it just hurts so much, well, it just feels like being sexually violated, well, it just hurts, i was never given any retribution, i was never validated, now it just sits and rots & smells like death."

rationally, "and it never stops, as long as they're around, i will be reminded of that one person who still thinks i am so disgusting, and I dont want to eb around disrespect. it makes me feel like i'm supposed to be treated with disrespect. it makes me feel less respect for myself. now i know that i don't have to do that.. but i dont know how not to feel i am the way that someone thinks i am. or rather, the way that I think they think i am."

Dvesha (Sanskrit) or dosa (Pali) is anger, hatred, animosity, ill-will, aversion.

If we examine how anger or hateful thoughts arise in us, we will find that, generally speaking, they arise when we feel hurt, when we feel that we have been unfairly treated by someone against our expectations. [i think that's basically true. whenever i love the one who hurts me, i feel vulnerable, i feel i cannot trust them without them hurting me again. i fear being 'loved' outwardly and being talked abotu behind my back, being betrayed, giving my love, my energy into a relationship and not getting anything back, false family love.]

However, if one has been treated very unfairly and if the situation is left unaddressed, it may have extremely negative consequences for the perpetrator of the crime. Such a situation calls for a strong counteraction. Under such circumstances, it is possible that one can, out of compassion for the perpetrator of the crime and without generating anger or hatred, actually take a strong stand and take strong countermeasures.
[this is what i wish to do. i wish to be strong and protect myself. i wish for there to be a way i can be strong recognizing the real behaviors i dislike, without judging.. or is it okay to judge? I want them to learn to realize in what ways they have hurt others, devalued their emotions, made them feel a loss of connection, been lied to for the sake of being nice!]

fuck this sack of pillow cover being nice
fuck this english morality to smile
i'll close my mouth and eyes
grey black seeps drips
with out toast and jam and with in
some way i'll find more than a ding, a ring from a bell
that reminds me of what justice is
am i asleep screaming in this dream?
no, we climb up top in dark times with lanterns and pathways
in the morning the sun rises to remind us of our true nature
heaven awaits inside our hearts
in rainbow sunrise
if we can repair this mangled blood all dirtied by these hands ...

The only factor that can give refuge or protection from the destructive effects of anger and hatred is the practice of tolerance and patience.

Question: "Where does hatred come from?"
Dalai Lama : "That is a question which requires long hours of discussion. From the Buddhist viewpoint, the simple answer is that it is beginningless. As a further explanation, Buddhists believe that there are many different levels of consciousness. The most subtle consciousness is what we consider the basis of the previous life, this life, and future lives. This subtle consciousness is a transient phenomenon which comes about as a consequence of causes and conditions. Buddhists have concluded that consciousness itself cannot be produced by matter. Therefore, the only alternative is to accept the continuation of consciousness. So that is the basis of the theory of rebirth.
Where there is consciousness, ignorance and hatred also arise naturally. These negative emotions, as well as the positive emotions, occur right from beginningless time. All these are a part of our mind. However, these negative emotions actually are based on ignorance, which has no valid foundation. None of the negative emotions, no matter how powerful, have a solid foundation. On the other hand, the positive emotions, such as compassion or wisdom, have a solid basis: there is a kind of grounding and rootedness in reason and understanding, which is not the case with afflictive emotions like anger and hatred.
The basic nature of the subtle consciousness itself is something neutral. So it is possible to purify or eliminate all of these negative emotions. That basic nature we call Buddha-nature. Hatred and negative emotions are beginningless; they have no beginning, but there is an end. Consciousness itself has no beginning and no end; of this we are certain."

now i die a little death to my hatred...
so my baby can be born a saviour
so my roses can grow patiently
while i allow myself the time to heave

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

yes no jungle over concrete

the bushes came by and swaddled the young child and took them up into the trees over the concrete sidewalk and asphalt and the cars and the sounds of the varied mufflers, wheels, and shiny things passing by.

the birds came and tweeted to me in squeeky lang wage and i sang them a song with the whistle of my tongue

sometimes i shiver with sadness. sadness is not a sad thing. it is a cake. and sadness in the glaze that draws you in to eat.

today i shiver with joy and tears i call these sadness and they taste so sweet i take multiple bites

deep in my heart there is joy.
that joy gets covered up like the earth by concrete.
but that joy seeps out because the heart is bleeding always
the heart is in pain
and the pain is remembering that we covered the earth alive
and it will always be alive
and whenw e rest our heads how do we sleep?
over it
our under-blanket
it keeps us warm the blood pumping
and the wound left open bleeds joy sometimes called pain

the wage of sin is death

Sunday, October 7, 2012

i am ever was will be

I am somewhat frustrated about the lies the children told me on rainbow strings held in between their fingers. lies that sounded like pain relief. They said. We would. Not have to conform.

This yet and wet child still hovers and shivers.

On the cold morning, I breathe in morning light. damp. and with the breath of uncertainty.

Then take it in and breathe warm pink red breath steam on my hands I rub together, the love baby's breath, I the baby, you the child now. WE sing to  the sun. And yellow light entertains our hearts to make light of... This universal joke.

what a farce a fake

how many moons until you die time

What do I have to do to make people believe I'm sane. It wasn't in the movies.

Why have all my friends got so conservative.

I am lost in time. I move neither forward nor backwards.
Hi. How are you?
I'm Nur.
I'm a Ghost, and yet I still belong here.
In this circle earth.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

the harsh reality adults view the world in

it's okay
we don't have to see each other
it just doesn’t make sense

glass beads

something about glass beads falling

and the stillness or curiosity it brings to a room

something about the weight of glass, not plastic
and the event

and would we really need less stuff if we had tinier stuff?

or is the weight important?

why would we return so soon to our ethereal nature?

sometimes i wish i was a boy but only if i could switch back to be a girl again..
i guess that's what costumes are for...

maybe i just want to appear like a boy ...




Monday, October 1, 2012

just an emotional morning....

the rabid dog whispers
the rabid dollar hisses at me
the cats crawl to seep my warth which i so willingly give
may i must i? drope at a hat? this hat? that hat?
which where and for whome?
no bad memories
no stuck bodies
no ageing teachers
but agating teachers
miserly leaving the backyard spring
a hope skip and jump leap LEAP your way to the WORLD you leave by living in it
oh but how bout through?
are you through with it yet?
and I write it all the time
just like ME ME ME ME ME reminds me of dying
and PRO PRO PRO PRO propenents ofanything
are jutted out maasques of clever hiding
like smiling
'and slying
all masks of divining and book telling story folk
faer skinned creatures spinning
i cant tewll a lie i cant tell a lie i cant tell a lie i can only scream.

I can only breathe.
I can only feel.
and my own heart rmeinds me of death and re birth.

The sunshine is  delight on my tongue as I swallow the ruins of yesterday's confidenc edown my throat whioch is sore and abrazive to my gentle lungs
whisp[ers sweet nothing i toil;d her (myself)
as I make love to myself by exhaling on the closed-circle and inhaling on the... I'm sure you said the phrase "vesica pisces" but I can't rmeber what that means

the means justimate the ends

and I apporximate these two two words to mean one

and i estimate the msiles to come from taking advanatge of someone
and perhaps all that feeling is, is taking advantage of the earth
my poor brethern still wallowing scraping to lift their bodies from the dirt
and scrathcing untilt he nails bleed
that's freedome ! that's america!
that's golbal economy
UNTIL YOUR FAMILY (next generation coming soon!) MAKES WAR
and all the love making you did chocked up to being RAPED
rape culture just the bacteria iny our tum-tum abdominal... digestive tract
fuck me in the ass God
because I bleed so thin
we could drop drop disgust out together
fuck me in the ass oh gentle fairy king
this figure born of innocence became disturbed at some point
and never did think it wrong to be fucked
while taking a drink of water, because DEAR GOD I am ever so thirsty.
this is the words that go wiht the motion of one bending therir neck out and creating an arch in order to drink/ breathe/sing

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Hey aduded DUDes

allo aloe
too much noise couch monger hard wood no linoleum

sleeeping couch corner
couch corner
slide under No
slide through
and on the side you hide

away inside you pleasantly balance so well
look so well
and pristine
no one can touch you
big square glasses

babies and you mother friend and your mother friend
is the best mother
and you beleieve in her
so you practice to build
a large kunzite room
to incase you aura
so no one can tell you you dont know how to love

Saturday, September 22, 2012

post alone alone

i am dead and a ghost paper clone you laid your eggs in, smoked the salmon
i am a ghost and a dream i am gone emptied out
you are dead to me
i growl because i am dead and am nothing/everything
i suck because i am blood
and drip like death
and stare like death
with large eyes hanging tendrils of optical nerves out of these eye sockets
i detest the testing. FUCK TEST MARK.
give me an 'A' I deserve it.

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

All like the missed she missed they missed her like a whisper
Kissed her like a ghost
Made it look more fun than most
For such a serious of long faces
Lag in such grace

As my face
Hangs / damn the man.

Friday, August 24, 2012

maybe you aren't

maybe you aren't aaron. maybe aaron wasn't evil. maybe you're still Love if they cover you in Monster. maybe your charisma isn't for the poor pose of manipulation. maybe you aren't laughing at me right now michael. maybe the general theme really isn't that i'm a sucker for being opened and raped. maybe you weren't actually that sexual. maybe i don't have to be so defensive. but what it wrought-ly certain of- the difference in realities- causing rippage- but mostly.
you don't notice me. (but mostly)
you clearly don't care about me. (even as)
a person I
lay bleeding from
an old wound
you pass by colloquilly
like a summer blockbuster
in a few weeks your ratings go down
after new things come along
and this IS the definition of FORGOTTEN

because the child is learning to see beyond instant gratification of even a long drawn out complicated dream
because.. it's okay to be enthusiastic.

There are always more blockbuster hollywood renditions of reality to pass up more assuredly than ever before
in the
future of
a disenchanted youth
and drenching themselves in gold liquid moist

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

death to the um

death to all this waiting / this disintegrating / i'm trying my escape plan on the back doors stairs/ death to this patience the alleviation of degradation/i'm faDING worn like an old shoe / now trying to keep from turning blue / i'm looking at you / and faking at you / and making noises at you / and breathing dust pwder from grieve-city / for you / alone in my basment / cold hearted, bathing / bleeding this death out and this patent mountain / frowning and the death rises like a poison fountain / cloud  cloud mad mad cloud red bad grey WIND.
housed in the cell CELL CELL CELL hell worth of a self hOLE. wayward of the middle beginning this inning out AT BATT YOUR ass on the dance floor in the flames till death do you Part in all your ways / and decay / to DEcline /the time / to find / and any line is a ladder / i'm so tired of getting fatter // sitting on my ass and getting madder / eating cheesy slander out of the packaging I die this death to this mound under / pancake batter boxes and popcorn dreams.. / / pancake butter boxes and rancid chemicals... to be THIS GOOD AT DEPRESSION// musstinmg around all beautiful till the bode ya wear is all beautiful; till the bud you grow is all beautiful till the breath that bursts is un-bleed-able / unbelievable this dream I wait for/ in my cellar cold / waiting for my prince to come / as death to death to death enters on / dissipates and I call it allergies / these malladies instuct my skelatol adversity / please/ honey

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Somewhere out there one who wanders is not lost in me and I in them
And us a'wandering who are lost will be were was found

Thursday, August 9, 2012

neon mind

my heart, it jumps out, like a hole, in a tube, of glass, with a tesla coil
my heart, it jumps out, like gas, too warm, and its molecules, too excited
my heart, it leaps out of the space time continuum
and in that void
i reach my limbs and thumbs
to draw out, the light, the lines, the spark BY GUM GOLLY GEEE

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Little sense doves' cries enter eternal play time
plateauing into


I'm so lonely and I want a person partner love so badly more than I ever have in my entire life and it is so confusing possibly distracting, I just feel sad that none of the people I've met ever worked out and just want someone to cuddle with and feel safety in touch,  I am sad that this seems so unattainable.  I am sad that the people I'm attracted to end up being so cruel to me. I feel like so much the winter of '05 when I was so lonely I agreed to things I didn't really want to to feel physical intimacy. I feel frustrated that no one in this town matches me and frustrated that even tho I try to become close to people I don't know how to anymore it seems. I really should shut myself down and also stop spending money. Heh. :p

my response to the person who wrote this, Wed. 12:13pm, Nur Greene:
i'm so
paisley drawers hanging all out and the silky vintage shirt's cord ever so touching the hard wood
lonely you see i uh
am human
am being
want a uh
wane that wanton want look in your eyes
and wade...
partner is me. so much more badly. than ever.
so possibly distracting me, me, me, me, me- OTHER.
is so confusing
feel none
touch none
so much like


is it all? yeah but also, breath,

cuddle well, cuddle before, well, how do you feel? touch touch touch touch makes no sense

to feel the hard wood, town match, frustrate fires a.. a uh... glass tube lit up neon greene
to be so
really should
open up
to the
wind oh
my brains' hairs finely tuned to the ether cords
sense o' sensor
meta-prismic-light filter

and all makes sense if it glows
if it glows

Try hard oh child. Never give up. I love you. Good morning.

Monday, August 6, 2012

Neon sketch

Com'ere, fetch.

I feel alive and well today, depression at night fades into gas that easily dissipates with the bright wind crunklin' in crunchy paper glass, babe. A name from a previous love we never had & never want to.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012


i figured so much out today, i kept trying and didn't give up, and I am so happy i didn't.

some things I figured out are that I don't need to feel guilty or that I am being judgmental for noticing things i do not like in others. it's okay for me to be me and them to be them.
this really loosens things up. and allows me to be friends with potential lovers who i do not want to be romantically involved with.

1. paper letters to passt lovers saying what hurt me
2. praying ALL THE TIME in the most positive manner, what i truly want

So yeah, Confidence. Is so majorly important.

Also i mean my first real person i know in life (other than my elderly grandmother) DIED just 7 months ago, not even, and he was this major figure in my life from age 18 until age 21, I deserve time to freak out over our relationship/my relationships thereafter. I deserve time to mourn. He deserves patience and understanding.

Remember beneath the layers of any monster is the pure pump of a beating love..

Not frustrated just observational

I said I'll clean up early
She said you have 30 mor minutes of class
I didn't say I'd clean up completely and I didn't say I'd stop working

Not a puzzle, simple logic

PuRple perception

No ugly
All beautiful
There is nothing that looks ugly
There is no thing ugly

Now, this questions ourselves, is there a thing that is negative?  Is the gap between presence and aesthetics wide?
Answer me this o friend.

Is there any thing too much of some thing?
Isn't ever-ry-thing made of Love?

Monday, July 30, 2012

Health Matters Summer 2012

Alright so there are these areas that need to be cleared in my body-being-living-creation thing.


It starts like this, child genius born into dysfunctionhousehold of LOVE energy.
Now ever-child-fae-nymphette-monster struggles to find friendship, love, physical intimacy, without FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. thinking everyone is secretly out to get me, but in place of FEAR find LOVE! and flexibility.
[p.s. I LOVE MEL and OLIVE]
A broken person can still make Tea. A broken person is a walking talking me, no matter who i am. The Lord heals all. The Lord loves us each the same.
I've been feeling especially stuck lately. But I really think it is still a break-through to notice how you feel. I wanted to have a baby. Because she calls to me. Because she is the nicest color of blue. But she is me too. And so I embark again and again and again on the journey of (s)ELVE(s).

Natural Medicine Life

Shizandra the five flavor berry
A. Shizandra     "five flavor berry"
       2 dried herb capsules 2x daily
     Lung Tonic Tincture:  
  Licorice, Osha, Elecampane, Reishi
       2 droppersful 3-4x daily

B. Happy Heart & Liver Tonic: 
  Hawthorn, St. John's Wart,
Motherwort, Oats, Tulsi, Blue Vervain, Anenome
       2 droppersful 2-4x daily
     Digestive / Mineral Tea:
 Nettles, Chamomile, Peppermint, Calendula, Hawthorn, Marshmallow
       strong infusion 1 qt / day

D. Mouth Rinse:
  Oregon Grape, Splanthes, Oregano Oil
       swish in mouth 1-2x daily

Movement Based / Spiritual / Psychological / Life Stuff

A. making art, learning to love myself so much I do not seek love from others, trying to not be attached, and replace attachment with the cherishment of others, doing energy work on myself, working with stones, and planning out life so that it is not centered around my relationships, feeling satisfied in what I do have, being less critical/judgmental on myself so that I can think clearly about others, meditating & exercising regularly, being reapply open when it is OK and closes when I need to protect myself, knowing that it is okay for things to be in disrepair and I can attend to them later....
B. making lots of art work, using my hands to remove energy from tense blocked locations, believing in myself, self-confidence despite the adverse rxns to my being, learning not to tell myself that i hate myself and want to die, relaxing and realizing that there is time and giving myself patience, not investing too much energy in other people, reminding myself of my passion, talking regularly to people I love like my family, and getting dirtied people out of life so I can be with less distractions, staying away from desires to have sex, being satisfied with self-touch and learning to let myself be familial & affectionate with my friends, digging deep into my subconscious so i can heal from being abused & so i don't irrationally blame potential lovers in some manifestation, letting go of "hurt Nur" and embracing "okay strong Nur"
C. San Diego / Massage School? More Evergreen? DANCING. Guatemala This winter?? Loving myself and remembering that most of all , all I want is everyone to be loved, and to never have to earn it, that it is just there and that no one has to feel hurt ever again or taken advantage of, or overlooked for their differences. <3
D. Trying to keep on finding low coast dental clinics, go to guatemala, now or later??? learning to make money so my teeth dont fall out, brushing my teeth way more often, Fluorspar! relaxing & massaging my jaw, Low Stress Lifestyle (HA)
E. Planning to do farming / growing herbs my own vegetables, spending time outside by myself at the rock quarry now, which has my airy desert-like nature and my homie deep down self too (woods), quiet time, self time, less hanging out
F. life stufff life grad school? making stuff figuring out the art in the community, moving ahead so i get to the real world of making art that isn't constantly monetarily supported by a school/debt
G. Just remembering that we all are here to Love and we should all be given a chance, and not giving up, despite how many times I embarrass myself, or run away, and letting love in too, and not denying it, but also, tending to already existing relationships with others. Getting closer to my family or trying to. Traveling to see my father.

anyone stranger or otherwise gots any opinions on whether I should stop going to school since I can graduate now, but I don't have to?

have I mentioned I have been in school since I was 2 without more than a 6-month break inbetween?

really want to learn how to express myself without being mean or cruel so I don't have to scare people to be heard.


Me tryin to look cool

Last week's work at the print studio..

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I think...

When you've experienced being taken advantage of as a young naive person it makes sense to want to protect yourself from that kind of trauma. It's okay to feel like you need to be cautious and wary of people who exhibit the early signs of abusive relations. These are present in M. These qualities freak me out and appear in individuals extremely capable of subtle manipulation. Usually it begins with me unsure as to their sincerity and ends with me realizing that they had targeted my trusting nature, which I still have somehow.

The first sign is them carelessly taking control of how you both interact and asking you to submit to that whatever it may be.

Stay away from these secret psychopaths. Who will not care if you're hurt. And will persuade you that it never involved their own actions which were always malicious to begin with and had the intention of keeping you for themself in some way.

Stay away these peole are usually attached to ex-partners and will have you believe they love you. But they are just skilled at finding compassion in naive children who seek love so hard, and they will accuse you endlessly so from the beginning they remove self-blame so that later they can abuse you unknowingly.

Fuck them.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Why some things s
Some things
Some cruel
Some cast off

Pop some
Drop some

Some things slow
Some things fake

Some pain forever
Some hurt spirals
Spirit unravel s and covers you while you cry
Underneath our arms held like string
You oh god allow me to spin
And I love you and you include me
In your arms I belong as you radiate your shine and show me your expansion reaches to everything
God bless you

Lve iv unrzeal
As unreal as a soldier
So solidly stated
I believe
In a star

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Hello idle rattling

Heyo sup idle chattlings

They rumble upside your head

Calling London's falling

The game not the clash

So sit here on the dandelion tea

While this liver does not dry up like a raisin in the sun
But defers her dreams
To the ether winds

And tuck them away and no I won't leave while they try to fall asleep as the sun tries to ho down faster

Jesus wept.

Wept a whole ocean for us
Night time swimmers

And. I love him. And she is my only husband. And he will birth my baby as the world turns to look back all they'll see is increasing ugly
But the tele-winds tell a different story
Of how the decomposition made things so boring
That man let loose their hands
And went forward not knowing
That finally w could die
And decomposing was the most beautiful part

Monday, July 23, 2012

My new favorite Stone is fluorspar

Otherwise known as fluorite

Today I fly
Today I love god
Today unconditional universal love to no single person
Today I dream and never wake up
Gentle heart

Sunday, July 22, 2012

doots: ayurvedic article

on the topic of me not being able to talk with people. how can i tell? if some people say i'm a fantastic conversationalist, and other people hear me talk selfishly.. given my own experience, i can only conclude that when i feel comfortable i let go enough to leave space for everyone, and when i am nervous i feel desperation to "be interesting" which usually results in me talking about my self.
well, it seems clear that I should just keep on trying to be comfortable with everyone, as opposed to devising some strategy or system under which i learn to follow normal conversational patterns. i know i can do that. but breathing and feeling comfort comes from so deep, and can be done naturally I dare not ruin its beauty with even more logic.

More techniques to balance your mind/body/spirit & how different ailments come from different dosha imbalances.. Like Acne! and Anger! 

in my ideal universe...

we want what we have!

in my ideal universe...

we embrace conflict! and encourage change! we believe in each other! and we never lose hope in anyone!

in my ideal universe...

we love and include those with differences even if it makes us seem "un-cool" or "weird" or "disabled" ourselves.

in my ideal universe...

we realize no matter how we are or what we do, we all have equal value & worth! and we all deserve to belong!

in my ideal universe...

we can come to one another with our faults and supposed flaws, with our negativity, and out abrasions, with our malicious actions and we can say, "here i am. how bout you?"

in my ideal universe...

there is never a point we can reach where we are a lost cause!

in my ideal universe...

we understand that each being is a conduit of energy all coming from the source! and that we are each a totality of a very large and complicated thing, in some ways we are "a long time" and in other ways we are "the totality of existence" each and every one

in my ideal universe...

we realize we don't also do or say what we wanted to, and we cut everyone slack!

in my ideal universe...

we realize anger is rooted in the liver's dysfunction to filter out toxins, and we embrace that! and start from a realistic and compassionate point of view.

in my ideal universe...

children are treated as equals of even on the same plane as elders!

in my ideal universe...

we realize there are many ways to get to the same place, in fact ALL WAYS ARE THE RIGHT WAY. and we drop the serious expression and smile or even die laughing.

in my ideal universe...

even when we see hate, we also see love, and we believe love is stronger.

in my ideal universe...

we each have our own fairy godparent and we make wishes every day!

Now close your eyes. Make a wish. And breathe it into existence...

A huge gust of dirt passed by under the gulp of my throat to spoke up the fire poke up the

And it was as if a century of anger from family patterns had passed
With the blood of those who displace mixed with the blood of the displaced
I am mi

xed race

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


I'm losing all my friends I guess that's an easy way to be alone.

I want anyone who reads this to call me at 360 349 1440 if they'd like to talk me through something I feel uncomfortable asking for that outside of this reality as imagined and I'm not sure my family knows about having friends or I'd ask them to talk to me with their sweet non judgment over matters like these.
Thank you even meta beings

more private thought i want to document, not for yu

the truth is i've spent a good  bit of time trying to appear more feminine, even taking herbs to help myself with that. in belief that i have hirsutism. it would be lovely to believe human beings have the capacity to see past outward appearance, but seriously, what female guru would be loved if she had a beard? except by the outcasts.
and was there really a past where frida kahlo was seen as beautiful?
i am skeptical of the capacity humans have to look beyond superficial qualities, especially sicne superfical qualities are often observed as being representative of deeper qualities.
but i ask, isn't the surface only the (imaginary) border between internal and external, and possibly wouldn't the appearance of femininity defined in society's terms be more representative of the external?
wouldn't greater femininity be representative of how much you allow the external to influence you, over generations and genetics?

truly, I question the human's ability to see past the veil of social constructs

no one passes through the needle

all lost in a hay stack

think about it.
this veil is tricky.
and tosses it's flash and flair on you

Spiral evil dollar sign

Money like time disappers
I can't seem to feel it slip until it's slopped
On the floor all bloody
Body is shaking and
Waiting for the time space continuum
To kaput
From all this ripping
I am in pieces
Allowing space in nothing ness
To fill the crevices
Of this form

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Disparate soul water
Bury in me tonight
Sqeeze bottle of heroine
Shoot off in me tonight
A bullet holed dream
Throughthe dessert-ire
In a non-toxic print making studio
There is a room that grows
Devilish ly
As idle fingers mesh

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I can't really handle most of what life offers me, to be honest the only comfortable thing in times like those is to take asylum in God's hands like children. To feel that at least the universe or source never lets you down.

you're so easy to be around

learned a lot yesterday that i had forgotten before. guess i forgot or fashioned some garment of defense that covered up the fact that i am still obsessed with clel, but not like before, like obsessed over becoming his friend in some 'real' way. then also obsessed with mel. like i want to be so close to them that i forget that i actually don't feel comfortable around them or respected. or that something inside of me is so distort towards them, hurt or whatever, i look to them like spiritual leaders. i worship them by submitting myself. this is all not beneficial to me. i dunno. so yesterday we sat in Bauhaus in Seattle and drank coffee and did Osha 'tarot' and i got psycho analyzed and basically re-realized i feel most guilty like all the time and keep trying to repair the past. but the past cant be repaired and the future doesnt exist yet.
the biggest thing i realized is that i never let go of this concept i learned through my relationship with clel, that I was some Monster. Fear On a Stick With Tooth and Nails, some words he won't remember that stick in my mind even though i burned them in that mediocre therapy group. . . That I believe I am a monster. That in my heart I am disgusting. That I am a ticking time bomb awaiting explosion of the emotional and sometimes physical variety. That maybe I can hold back that part of me, but it is only a ,matter of time when they find out how terrible I am and shun me like the rest.
This is really hard to drop. Because for the past 2 years I have fashioned myself as if I am trying to recover from being a monster.
I have made all my ways trying to get better, and trying to show people I've changed. And trying to hide from people that are 'too good' for me.
The truth is I am okay. The truth is that I love really hard and care deeply about all beings. The truth is, I don't have an awareness of what is normal all the time. The truth is How can you measure pain? The simplicity of it all is it doesn't matter where I am, but that I am already somewhere, and it's okay to trust in yourself and the universe that they will guide you to harmonious lifestyles, beings, times, places, outer-spaces...
No one needs to be anywhere but where they are and that is the truth. And can't we understand what is does to the psyche to be treated like a monster? To treat yourself like a monster... And you beocme one.
But you aren't and no one is.
You are beautiful. Us All. You are Love. Us All. You are Peace itself. Us All. We are HOPE FIENDS. And dreamers, and sleepers, and pieces of the whole.
So goddammit. I m gonna try really hard to Not-try really-hard to make up for what I can't make up for, the past, and just.. believe in what I can do about the now now now. (okay yeah this is always.. etc.)

i am not a monster.
there is not other.
there is only source.
this incessant weaving.
there is only prayer.
this incessant listening.
there is only breath.
eye thou, I-God.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Questions? I've got answers.


that's humanity.

"I am 10.2% more serious than you"

yes i am quite serious
i'm not sure why, because I am also quite silly.
it might be because I have become privvy to such heavy things, on a personal level, and not just awareness of them on a global level.
it might be because I am death itself. I don't know why. But i do think it's funny.