sometimes

sometimes i feel crazy like what am i supposed to believe is real like im always trying to prove my existence to my environment.

more recently i have been having few and far between interchanges with a blue light who i first starting seeing when i felt that i was with child.
she came to me in a dream, and talked to me about waiting to be born with me. her face pale, her eyes a striking blue, her hair, blonde.
she extends from my belly. at times reflected on a wall, sometimes in dreams.
last time she told me she would be a messiah, and raise the dead from underneath the ground. ye, zombie new jesus.

some days ago she exiting beyond my belly and formed a wall between me and another person, formed a heart around us. i don't know why.

did she leave me?

Warning: Hard of hearing need not scroll eyes down

Every limb in my body is a foreign part. Every skin covers. Man made materials. I feel sick to my lungs. I destroy this body. I destroy who I am. I change constantly to tear off the existence of my under the under the under the neath fairy scary tale. I beckon abstract thoughts to make you bed. Beg for me baby beg baby. I AM not a girl. I don't care who I will fucking become. I don't want to diet. I just want to die, so these foreign energy systems can go home and leave me alone. My face no face but fuck. My teeth no teeth but luck. My eyes no eyes just balls. Fall face forward, and fall fall fall. I light up another magic, magistracy. I lose what I cannot protect. I beckon and looking ahead see nothing but disease. My eyes are gone. Black and cold remain. This over-dramatic foretelling of a future in vein. Which vein this vein is in vein this vein this vein look vein fuck blood. I hate you carelessness.

to beautiful. could it be we are all beautiful?







what are you doing when you think a thing is ugly?





it's easy for me to believe there is no ugly, since i believe i am easily perceived as being ugly.


"We are loving people, with distinguished noses."






















SCRIPT:

1. we start out in a blank chair
2. the Object is under the chair
3. the Presenter takes the object and holds it to their belly
4 the Presenter steps outside of the curtain
5.

foreign parts move shifting into & out of gears rusty from snow & salt, hand & feet push levers of motion into holes, interlocking layered signs & signals, move make the move make the mutter... sticky sticky sweaty hands on a cold november unlike last one. waiting in the car steamy & writing love letters on the windows with fingers. smushing dirty barefoot prints. let coldness seep in pleasurably & with wisdom, rest your head on the driver's lap, keep your knees away from the stick. crunch. drift away alone not alone in the seat of your ascendent vehicle, merge flesh to metal. be the lap, the comfort, the creator, the destroyer, be the shift maiden & gear heap, background overlay backgrounds & eyes made from knobs of grease.wet steam. on the lap of your forlorn lovers' parts. alone not alone, because the parts were stolen and shared. car and driver. a november night, wipes away all the letters.
and will have touched your wet hands to a face. who's skin marks no resemblance to your own, steam.

i want to die and fill our tomb up with stones, i want it to be okay to hold onto the things i have become attached to. to enact. construct and reconstruct a shrine. to build something to be destroyed. the beauty of deterioration, the beauty of decomposition.

i exhibit

i am art

i destroy I, am

if time was coffee, i would fill my belly until i vomited
if time had lines i would carve them into my skin with a hot staple
if i could ride clouds, i would ride them to see my mom but not tell her what i was doing, and just watch her at night to make sure she went to bed alright.
if i could believe i created this world, I would believe that falling in love was possible, instead of it always having been in the past
the illusory dream


I want to listen to blonde redhead
in completely white room
white on white on white on red
bouncing rhythms with no heat
just memories of being real.

stuck in the dreams of imaginary becoming.


saying i wanna believe we're all beautiful
but they wont throw rice in my ears for that
singing i am tree shining in the wind but but but but

wolf dries

come down _____ lucky.


here/ herro.
man luck trust you. seattle new.

faux sho.



shiny toy guns

gosh darm yarn time

"Goddammit Nur. Godamn left your mouth open all night and all the dry air got in and sucked you dry."
"Drier."
"Dumber, dumb ass, I am yelling at you. Sister. Pick your shit ups, lets go."
"We're all older toddlers anyhow, just dancing around with some big guns... Mine's gots bubbles..."
"Fuck that shit, we're late! Hurry up!"
"Late for what? I'm still getting ready."
"Getting ready for what? You already are, here now, when you were supposed to be there then."
"My legs don't work when I can't think about them."
"No just do do do DO IT! Now."
"You're so annoying I was getting up anyway. I'm just slow."
"There's no time for being slow. Everything is passing you by. We all move so much faster than you, and we wanted you to come play with us, but now you're just sitting doing nothing. And it's not fair. It's not fair to have the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD waiting for you, just so you can take your sweet time. Nur stop being so selfish!"
"I'm just putting on my shoes, putting on my hat, putting on my face, getting ready to go in. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna drown. I'm gonna grow..."
"You can't grow."
"I have all of eternity!"
"There's no time anymore for that bullshit."
"There is no end we're just coming up on a tight curve."
"It feels so real though."
"Last time this happened that one dude had everyone believing we had to poison ourselves to make it through. You think I'm gonna do anything at all about it this time? ... I'm trying to set a good example."
"You?"
"The example of taking your godamn time and not letting anyone mess with what you're doing! So go away godamnit and get away from me and never come back you fuckin' time-monger! Black hole! Heathen!"
"Jesus. Christ. Nur. What a professional asshole. I just waited a thousand years so i could come get you to go play ball, and you're putting on your socks, while I wait for you. Yelling at me."
"Yelling, at ME!"
"Yelling at ME!"
"We're yelling at each other!"
"we are each other!"
"Fuck you."





"This is what you get for never believing I was beautiful."

let's move to the future

let's move to the future and pretend time is a ribbon
looping around your fingernails at angles assisting their patterns
and i love the way you move your fingers like that




Hands used for holding things. From the future! hands used to hold sirens and lasers. Hands used to measure light. hands for making spectacles. holding sunlight traveling from the moon, remembering father lines of movement. Gay. Gaia. Ga. Gather.

One to the two to the one to the zero..... (puffed out air from a plastic bag)

lips puckered as valve closes, letting in a narrow strain of smoke.


smoke. or love. pucker patter mutter. flip angle switch bird crows cawss no er i mean . it .. al.


now, out of the smoke, my hopes and fears. the card comes flying out, two-dimensional swift, turns, and develops into a being. my name once Light, a reflection of others, chooses herself. Neon. No Nur. Maybe never always. Was Echo, ecko, icho, whatever, and Lavender and Juniper too. Now wanting to dig deep into the past and the future that was and will be, remembering the vision, Of Flying. Of being suspended in space,

I think . Every time I pick a new name, I name myself, then feel super embarrassed about it. And name myself again. This time. i will name myself in my head. i declare it doesn't matter if it' the exact right name. it's just a character actor actor anyway. so whoever i was shining white and blue and lovely, will eb called, Neon today. Neon Greene ;D Um yeah.


Neon Greene would also be a really good performance persona. Two big wolf dogs on each wrist and magic powers. I grant wishes. I filter your deepest desires into tangible objects and situations. I really want to watch a movie watch the sunset in the arms of blue white light.


more more more blather..

face or fck yourself

1. FARCE


2. INHABIT


3. MOTIVES UNCLEAR


4. LICK YOUR LIAR CELLS CLEAN





5. UNSPOKEN A'SPOKEN

BABY I'VE BEEN WARMED IN THIS WOMB

6. LETTERS
CLIMBING

FEATHERS


7. POP CULTURE........////////??????????????? SUCKS ARSE


8. LIPSTICK PRICK POINT
and CLICK.

10.


TIME AS A TARGET. TIME As A MARKET. TIME AS S'TRUTH.

TIME SLEUTH TIME TOOTH

time takes its toil on us all! and my hairs on my genitals falling, gracefully on your carpet microscopic painters of fiber so much more gray than a harboring pain. little lo little loo little pee in the morning all makes sense to the harbinger of baked eggs. im so hungry mommy.
im so cold.
im so optimistic.
i'm so bold.
i drink coffee.
i make lists about ME!
i'm a fairy
i can hardly breath.e.

me. me.me.me.me.

kalling all kaleidoscopes. pictures and phrases. calling all liars, bullshitters, and mages. calling all his his his his stupid pants! calling all bark dropping to pick up after yo'self.


kbye.