what is fear

fear is like holding a sword fashioned by uber-magical dragons to specifically cut through the masque or veil of all the fears you've ever had, but the idea of ending those fears is all too much to bear.

fear is the fractalization of fear

fear is the opponent to love, but it is also the bridge to love
love is like super highway that one can instaneously transport themselves on to overcome the bridge of fear

ultimately you will have to overcome your fears, avoiding them will only put them off into the eternal and never here-right-now tomorrow

avoidance is the illusion that you have some problem with yourself to overcome fear
fear is an illusion, avoidance is a tactic to distance yourself from feeling how illusionary fear is

with this sword you can cut through fear, or cut yourself and wrap yourself in additional layers of fear

with this sword of love, it sings a song of bravery, or confidence, you can hear it and believe in it, but until you use it, you are only a casual believer that is afraid for it to be true: that love overcome all fear

on the road to love is fear, and that is where I currently live,
Princess Fear-Love

- if i refuse to do and act instead of being afraid, what can i do to take a smaller, granted more aggravating step, towards overcoming the fear of overcoming fear?

That's why I am the sun.

Lots of things make me sad
That's why I am the sun
I hold my sorrows in a bag
That's why I am so strong
I have a memory of being grass bone rock and wood
I am as sad as the history of choosing pain instead of peace
As sad as my fists can be for ancient acts
of losing true love for jealousy

A watching eye
A destructive breeze



Lots of things make me sad
that's why I am the sun

Don't have a cow man!

One of the main deterrents to becoming vegan or vegetarian for me has been that I feel embarrassed to join others in what they are doing. So, even though i have experience making vegan foods, and already seek out vegan restaurants and food places, I feel embarrassed to hop on the bandwagon. Vegans can be pretty pretentious sometimes, and it almost feels like I'm not supposed to join their elitist club, but can be an ally on the outside.

Another example of this fear of conformity is when I am whistling and someone joins in with me. Although I greatly enjoy whistling or making sounds with anyone, the fear of doing something WITH someone, the embarrassment of now consciously and openly participating in something together... makes me feel scared to keep going.

It's like if you were dancing in the streets and someone came up and danced with you, it'd be awesome but then you'd be all, "Oh I guess someone saw me dancing."

So, I fear that vegans will be all protective of their own veganism.

BUT. That is changing. This past weekend I spent time around people who are not just vegan, but they tell you WHY they're vegan. They're vegan for reason of having compassion for animals, for feeling oneness with animal consciousness, and would like to END ALL SUFFERING.

Really, there is no better reason to stop killing or enslaving animals than for the reason of:

MAY ALL BEINGS BE HAPPY AND FREE OF SUFFERING.

(in my opinion)

I suppose the act of trying to eat vegan (this is day TWO), for me right now in my life, is like taking a hold of my right to do whatever I want. It now seems okay to have opinions that I believe in even if others agree with me, I am not as afraid of being like others. I learned this weekend, that being part of a group, doing things with others *which is fun* means letting go a bit of your own personal identity. It ALSO means being stronger in your identity, which is something I am working on.

It feels really good to not smoke a cigarette just because I see someone else doing so. Not to accept milk in my coffee (I haven't been drinking milk anyhow), just because I am afraid to ask for what I want.

It is liberating to not be afraid of going against the grain, and not being worried if I am pleasant enough for others. It's tHEIR CHOICE! I want people to be in harmony with one another, but if I am always acting like everything is okay all the time... when it isn't when I am a different body with different needs, then I will continue to get frustrated and upset at others when they FAIL me.

I cannot expect others to please me all the time, and in a way, conforming to others' preference is like holding on to the hope that we will both always please each other but what always ends up happening, is I feel like my sense of self is lost...


sometimes... I don't like the music you're playing and I don't want to be around it.
sometimes... I'm not going to eat anything because nothing you have is what I want.
sometimes... I'm going to say, "You bore me," instead of having a hissy fit about how much I should be entertaining myself.

Ultimately, I will have to entertain myself, walk away on my own, feed myself, play the music I like, but simply the act of expressly my preferences more truly will have /is having the effect of feeling okay about being the kind of person I AM and not the kind of person YOU ARE. and Ultimately that will help me let go and let you be the person you are, more freely.

So here are some of my own experiences:

Well... I've mostly not been drinking milk since I had a vision one morning driving back from my overnight shift working as a caretaker... I had dozed off in my car and woke up to the image of a Cow in a purple dress and golden crown. She was lifting her breast out of her dress and looked me right in the eye, very sarcastically she made a baby voice and whiningly said, "Awww... did you want some milk??" As if to say: Oh are you a baby too? Are you debase this queen and suck on her titties just cause you want some milk??

Also Ashley/Pearson had a dream once that there seven golden opalescent chickens and that they were godly beings asking them why they were eating their brothers and sisters.

I also personally recognize the suffering of any being to be a reflection of suffering of many beings... one thing does get me... what about plants?

I used to believe that since plants had equal consciousness and we needed to eat SOMETHING to survive, that eating plants was no different than eating animals, as long as you thanked the animal and appreciated its role as giving its life for food. But I suppose my worldview has become more practical. When you can see the pain in an animal and not in a plant when it is cut, when cutting and destroying a plant often causes it to speed up its reproduction process, when plants represent the highest evolved form, that is, they are very efficient making food from sunlight, water, and air, perhaps they are emotionally okay with being eaten, and have evolved to not feel pain or sufferring from it. How can you agree animals feel no pain after watching an animal IN pain? any animal? I feel it when people are in pain, why not animals...? Why not plants..? I am still not certain. But it "feels" like it is more accurate to care for the sufferring of animals than the potential suffering of plants. As well, it is obvious that most animal products are coming from the systematic enslavement of animals for food/products. Recall that once Black people were thought of as 'animals' in the same way.

Objects to be used and commodified.

Humans/Animals are not commodities for our society. I feel that acts against such a system are more aligned with my heart. I have a heart for others' pain, especially the pain that is routinely allowed with out much thought. Just as I am against abandoning children, ignoring friends and lovers, and helping the outside world before helping your family and neighbors.




If I can have the compassion to not participate in the killing and using of animal bodies, even though everyone does it and has been doing it for thousands of years, even though I feel embarassed that I am doing something other people do... it might help me have the compassion towards myself to stand up for my beliefs... or to others to respect their differences... and it might help people respect me more as some sort of chain reaction.

simply pythagorean.

much fear & love,
Nur

what blunders befallen ye

heyo

goddess Inanna up in the house

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Inanna


i believe i am innana
and inanna folows me in a dream


"She stirs confusion and chaos against those who are disobedient to her, speeding carnage and inciting the devastating flood, clothed in terrifying radiance. It is her game to speed conflict and battle, untiring, strapping on her sandals."

it is inanna that evokes war and ruin in me, but to enact ruin in such a manner of Justice, and not creating more pain and negativity.
To be a sword that points to who needs to fall, to scrape their knees to learn a lesson. Who, usually men/boys but not always, mostly people, who do not realize who they hurt as they walk.
People who scrape the shin of others with sharp objects around their waists like it ain't no thing. Who say sorry and who do nothing.
to say but not do.

i am also at fault.
there is much fear.
i can forgive like a kitten.
like the kitten i am.
i will forgive
but i also will wreck justice

.................................

what is justice?

isn't it okay to stop loving someone

yes

but justice still needs
to be shown

i think all i want to express
is that love in a union,
and that union can be respected without chaining it to certain expectations


*****************************************

i don't know but venus visited me in a dream
she had the eyes of my daughter

there were fabrics of social situation i do not understand

i am child

i am the child tree

that gives birth to new ideas

and she in turn gives birth to me

and we create each other

i know it's true

i saw her smile in a dream

miles points and berries

Miles points and berries crystal fairies Point at me Im home in a bed spent my winnings on losings... Almost scary didja eat those berries? Cause I notice someone's got purple on their face She screams to the moon! Im a THEY!! All over Seven horse heads and none too fast Fer a shouler impasse I got trash on my lass Oh Pleasure is a leisure for the soul I got cash on hand in between my toes But the man is the archaic toll Poison boysenberries im a crystal faery So im told Im one of those Out in the cold

words from: And It CAme To Pass Not To Stay

The game called money is about to become extinct. Advantaged by the computer's capabiltiy To inventory, permutate and reevidence All relevant metabolic information, Humanity is about to discover That whatever it needs to do And knows how to do It can always afford to do And that in fact is only And all it can afford to do. - R. Buckminster Fuller from AND IT CAME TO PASS - NOT TO STAY

scared of girls

this is about how im scared of girls and i go on ok-cupid looking for people who have similar interests to me, and then it's like ohhhh we're attracted to each other but really i just should make friends with girls/trans womyn. but girls are scary, and i'm afraid to go up and talk to them, i seriously, in the back of my head think the girl will be all like: EWWW what is she doin talkin to me, i am NOT her friend. and rarely do i see girls letting loose and having a good time or being silly or embarassing in public... but boys seem so much easier to talk to and it's easier to be less afraid cause in my mind it's like: welll they prolly think im cute, even if they're not attracted to me, and that'll make it okay to talk to them. but them i'm just playing into these role dynamics. but. beats being friendless. p.s. i think the truth is that. b. and me are very unlike each-other and there's ton of other people more like me.i think iphones freak me out, but then again, andriod phones used to freak me out, and then Abe had one and now I'm sitting in Abe's super awesome apartment, just after eating an awesome salad with vegan cheese. actually i dont care if we're different. i do love him. now abe is rolling the vegan cheese in herbs. (stop talking stop stop) YAY! "this batch is sticky" oh! i'm really excited. "letting it all out" BEATSBEATSBEATS BEATS BEATS WILL SAVE YOUR LIFE DRUM BEATS DRAG DEM BEATS UP YER FEET DRAG THEM I LOVE A SOUND AS IT FLUTTERS THROUGH BABY GOT THE HEART CAVITY HOLLOW AS A SPINNING SUN BACK <3

don't edit the sad parts

The real love of my life will.want me? Won't they? They'll want to spend time with mr and create together and work thongs out together? Won't they?? And it's ok to love someone more than they love you, as long as you have boundaries with them and don't expect much, right? Still sad, but less sad tofay. The real love will at the very least share their troubles with me? I'm an idealist. I don't think I made the first move Tho. He has tp disappear for me to realize he wasn't good enough fpr me, not because of anything inherent within him but simply because he wasn't willing to try harder, or do it together. So I have to accept that. Love is real, but, I mean with sacred flaws and all, I was offering my soul on a platter. And when I went to the sacrificial table, it was just me all alone.

person person

dear person inside this outside person,

stop trying to communicate to people who don't care about you but who have built their life upon a mountain of obligations they don't really connect to. or maybe you just don't understand them. but please stop trying to write them letters. and crying. as if you could electronically send your tears.

dear person person,

it is very sad and i am upset at myself. that i cannnot stop feeling so strongly that i just hesitate. and nothing gets done. and i am erased. i start again.

i know i have mental illness. but i know that. i am stubborn. and i want to. do it my own way.

i feel sad.

and also there is other parts of me.


i wish i could talk to elizabeth because she understands these things

i am weary

something is messed up in my head, cause a fly could trigger this emotional reaction.

i know it has to do with being abandoned by my father when i was little.

i know this now.

this awful and false-seeeming reaction.

why i am i still twelve?

and i always give people advice, good advice too, and who can help me?
no one.
i can only help myself.


i wish i didnt cry for hours

yet.

i pre planned this mental breakdown, more than a year ago.

so i would have the freedom. to be this sad.

i still love you N. so, don't give up, just cause you don't understand why you feel so strongly about everything.

love to the zero
n.

dragon fly

a dragon fly flew up to my second story window.
i am in love again.

i am in love with a dream. a boy who is yet a man.

with the steam from the humid summer air.
with the dirt in my face from falling down and making a fool of myself.

if your emotions are wild.

there are kitty cats on sky ropes
clawing their way outta the glass ceiling tight gaurd

for the non sense people

who smush their tiny little kittie heads into watermelon squares

so sorry.

but i will never call you on the phone.

because i am an asshole.

love


me


your mother kitten
tongue splitten
good licken
lover

splendid

this is my journal. AN online public exhibitionist's journal. mostly written in the form of poetry.
I've found that i can't say everything out loud. Some parts of my mind are a bit too painful for others. i mean hardly anyone reads this... but i was asked once to take something down. and i did.

right today. the verge of things changing.
right now today. it is 2 days past the turning point.
was it the full moon in capricorn? that made me feel like it was time.
how did i get the gift of coming stability?

i recently got word I was accepted to live in a really beautiful house. i have always wanted to live in a really beautiful house that would allow me to be most productive.


i hope to catch a sunshine river... slide down the sunshine slide...


how amazing these different parts of us.

i love someone.
i love many people.

i am strong in myself.
i'm a tiger.

the universe will take care of me, if i exchange my work in hand.

i have much to give.

i am building strength.

i am awakening.

i have faith the struggle before me will turn out fortuitious.

i beleieve in the power of love to draw in more love.

i believe it's okay to love someone who doesn't love you back, as long as you try to be conscious of respecting their boundaries, which is still really hard.


im okay. even when sad things happen. i know i will always be okay. and just because i love people real hard doesn't mean that i am depending on them for external strength. only my heart is so full and wants to learn how to love and be healthy.

ii'm movin to philly what what!

KBYE <3 p="">

lizzie the levy

i had a boyfriend he was made to die
shot the apple of his eye
hole in one
pie in the sky

i had a lover
laid her under
thought about touching her hands
her lips
and smile

so i prostrate on the ground drove a screw through my eye
Oedipus
complex

confusion for a non-conformist

severed my wrists
and placed them down
hoping soon they'd grow
and be found
by someone who i'd never know
by someone who i may never know
by someone who i never knew

by my open mouth and by my wound down wings
now a spinning doll, at least one that sings
when you wind me up i cannot stop
just like the earth's rotation
the things you'll never know
the language that is never spoken

all rhythms rhyme.
all lines divine.

because there are words you'll never know.

one open mouth that breathes,
a mind is an animalistic thing
i feed it celery
and water
and hope it'll never grow
taller
than my rooftop alter.

because i don't own a thing.
i am a fly.
am no where
like the golden ghosts that wait
on the edges of my toes
i dance over speckled bugs and rings
of designer fashion
orbits
and lit up parallelograms

the process is in the pudding and the pudding is all on my face
but when i lift my head at daybreak
stare into a mirror
and roar
I have fucking chocolate pudding all over my face.
and am proud.
or my place in this life.
i can be nothing else.
than my choices even the way i breathe.
with red on my face
i still do not change
so why not the most raw nonsense?

in autumn things will settle down.
another year will pass and i will still be here.
in my body.

star (t)

star people .
star poison.
play strings of mental harmonies.
that ride yer soul up the windy river.
and beam downloads
like incredible energy.
i send my bat signal.
nightly.
so you can save me from,
these horrific humans.

and yet perhaps i am from here.
my tetra terra
my lover in chains.

were you the alien?
and perhaps there is pain behind those tiny eyes that seem so strange to me.
if i were a bodhisattva, i'd never leave this genetic ribbon alone, though my fingers swell with strain.

oh star people. please come visit me.
and show me how large my family could be.
and what sort of precautions i could take to not be devoured
by these residuallly believable android figures
which could be you or i
and both horrific in relation/inverse relation
in revelation.

i can agree. i can. compassion.

aside from the sliver of moonlight that bleeds from above.

there are tiny neon dots of freedom

from the thread gill

who breathes so heavily
in this dirt

star player. star seer. start here. end nowhere.
hole in one spin.

in a roving river

today I woke definitely shaky

my body is shaking and i feel emotionally shaky as if i could fall out of my body at any given moment.

spectacular nails bleed water

sometimes. hard black asphalt crying. sometimes raised roof tears. sometimes blood outta socket. sometimes tendons are shoe stringed. finger nails crawl and eyes stare long towards the sun. they sit like that for hours. and when the wind knocks you up, the ocean will sweep you into its waves. the sunshine shimmers spectacularly. one breath is enough. a bowl of past blood sweat and gold. magnified by the divine will inside your tied-in-two. a corn worshipping peoples. a feather worshipping saint. a long very long oh so long finger nail sigh. recovery from an addiction, of asphalt crawling. of backwards dream glow head. of inside outside eye cone. red green. red green blue. blue no yellow. fire. hide it.
hide it or she will get it. she/he/we will take it. metallic fire breath. only one is enough. sometimes. lungs hurt and heave to breathe naturally. when one grows up with no real life example of love. on the ass back-fault nails sink creep into skin rivers end.  one  can stare as long as is enough into the most natural thing on earth. the blaze of the wind hitting you upside that head. as it drags your body back into the sea/womb/corner pocket. if needles and spindles and rivers and white owl feathers and shadows and rabid dog whisperers and children and magical sunsets, radishes, and diamond tears were real things, these beautiful copper pennies would be so sticky in the sun. but as it is, these beautiful pennies are so sticky in the sun. dashboard mom. dials backwards sun. delivers backwords songs. fights for clarity nails it hard.
a sign asking for patiency. and pageantry. and regenerative blue-green-current.
gs up hos down.

balb blah blah life im stuck in the 90s

Dear Diary Lover Layer,

It wasn't that great of a birthday party but at least Brian was there. Brian and I also spent much of the following weekend together, but then i freaked out like a cat and Brian freaked out like a cat even though he tried to pretend that it was all okay and beautiful. Is Brian really so naive? Could it be true that Brian really doesn't understand that I don't want I mostly absent boyfriend? How sad Freyja's golden tears must have been.

It feels best to string aside Brian's love like another pearl.
It is a sort of uncommitted love, but I sort of understand that Brian may not be developed enough to have an adult relationship, whatever that means.

This is the 4th time I've had a mostly conscious love affair. I must say my heart beats in circles, because it feels so weird, but all relationships do. The idea that I could have  a normal causal not overly intense fair and balanced relationship seems possibly impossible?

I feel like my relationships are always lacking in continuity. I feel forever awkward. I might get more schoolwork done if I wasn't falling deeper in love with someone. But especially someone who I can't see all the time.

It really sucks. It really sucks. It sucks that I can't just meet up and chill, or go for a walk. And the time we have spent together is so condensed and like a flipped switch ON or OFF.

I think my head in high heaven would want me to end this. But Brian is so cute and lovable.

there is no where to burrow when you live above ground

there is no where to burrow when you live above dirt

watching someone burn

on television

versus

sending naked pictures of yourself to yourself from an alias

to pretend you're in love

versus

making tiny cups of coffee in your mind with an unused espresso maker

that sits in the corner

growing dust and whiskers

versus

smushing your lips up against the mirrors

in a bathing suit

after swimming

and your hair is all coarse from the bleach-water

versus

the light hitting all the angles of the most mundane objects

producing geometric shapes in shadows

versus

an ol' bust-up

bust

made of clay

with her lips sewn shut

with two sides of her sewn shut

in the best attempt to undo

backwards progress

disintegrated ideals

body & body

versus

tears that drip down the back of your throat

as numbing as cocaine

down through aching lungs

versus

joyful sunshine fingers
in the wind
out of a car window

versus

those fingers covering your eyes
making crosses
hiding from the light that is totally encapsulating your back

versus

lines of arms stomach squish
my breasts squish
thighs squish
and tighter
in warm embraces
solitary spaces

versus

only your hands
only these hands staring you in the face
only these lines
only these wrinkles

versus

and when you unwrap yourself
maybe this morning
will be met
with more than fleeting
shining strings of upturned chin and upturned eyes
and downturned squishy toes in the dirt
like dandelion
a quite resilient weed

it is okay.
these seeds germinate in the wind