sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Friday, December 31, 2010

me thinks the distance increaseth not closeth up cept for when much maximum is reached and solidarity speaks

Monday, December 27, 2010

another birthday started by saying goodbye to facebook
you can find me if you try real hard, or oh i dunno ask one of your friends.
when i want to contact someone, let's see, like Aaaron, I look back in old emails for phone numbers, I call people he knows or used to know, and eventually I find the phone number, the address, etc.

my phone number is 3 6 0 4 6 4 86 56
and if youve never had a good conversation with me outside of a party, it might be a little tough now. but we are still people persons

++++++++++++++++++++
a person is sitting in my my bed
aha!
not dead but dreaming
toes i love sticking out being caught by kittens
and a spider web descending like snow glitter
but no snow here dear just green chills
blue turn into green
that what the time oil is for
massage time into fine lines so maybe my veins will get big enough to draw blood
not afraid
just perceptive
love, nur
red and white candy canes
blood and breath baby

Saturday, December 25, 2010

time to be alone for a few years...
if cysts and trists were triangles and silences, then chains of flowers would dance with me ovar my crown and lay me down for hours.

i think i just immaculately concepted the next saviour
is that alright to say outloud?

he was conceived on christmas eve

ive got ALL the symptoms!

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

drinking alone makes you sad, even if you're having people over. especially when the music stops. less white, more brown.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

I've never felt so disconnectedly repeated in my entire life. disconnected repeatedly. I can speak stand and sing loudly. sometimes the back of my throat gets sticky. there is blood in my fallopian tube. i've been spending way too much time going with the flow. I have no idea what to do. In 2 hours I have a 1 hour appointment. 1 hour after that I have a 1 hour appointment. And after that hour, there is another hour long appointment. The shingles on my roof look really wet and moldy but it's warm inside. I'm just a little shit remembering things in an interesting order. there is a wealth of good hoses and morbid thought sprawls in the overhead compartment. If you pull it down real fast you can joke fake it falling on your head, and oh, wouldn't that scare the flight attendants. Special people do arise out of the water. I saw a wood carving of her the other day in fact. In a pond. In a pool. In a pose. She was, real. There isn't a point to make up anything anymore. Everything is not really truly there. You've lost it. You've put your wet little finger through it. It was real gross and gooey and when you pulled your hand away it clung to the edges of your skin where it meets the nail, and you gagged, and fell down. A whole new universe was created in the shape of spit. One of the most globular I recall.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

i feel

like an a$$hole.

don't know where to go.

i like being here.

need more......

urg.

less uh...

blurgggggggggg error computing error
DIVISION BY ZERO!

Friday, December 3, 2010

oatmeal etc.?: ongoing

OAT MEAL EXP
observation before judgment

day one dec. 3rd:

1 1/2 cup sweet potato, 2 eggs, coffee, black tea - 10am
1 cup oatmeal w/ 2 tblspns ground flax seeds, rose petals, 1/2 banana, agave - 2pm
1 cup oatmeal, 2 tblsp flax, 1/2 banana, raw honey -4:30p
1/4 cup of red curry w/tofu, 2 leaves/stalks of chard w/ coconut amino acids & olive oil - 630pm
3 bowls of almond butter stirfry w/ quinoa - 9pm
whisky and coke, cigarettes (4?)

dec. 4th:

2 cigarettes
1 cup coffee (large), 1 blackberry cider, before 2pm
1 cup oatmeal, 2 tablespoons flax, 1 banana, rose petals
word splogg uphog shit farm
bark weave moon groove
speaker ssap sokes up through your nose
mis-called your name game
misinformed
rampaged
rummaged
room spit
lit grit shit nit-pick
not pick
ing
spout out the shout-out the
frown out
the grass grown fed cow shit
shit shit shit

speak nur
sing nur
let out boar hair whore with devil's horn
let in greene grass fed sunshine led stray rays
star light star bright bright bright
hope eyes upturned
confused half-learned
poor little shaker
shake salt out pill it with some ole spelt whheat
what?
shake shake shake nervous energy
you can or cant
get it calm
it's okay im not really here
im really here
im not really here
im really here
im not really here

it's okay she shouted yelled spilled spelled from the roof of her mouth
from the top of the roof from the streets of Brooklyn
no, Olynpia, no Brooklyn, no delaware, no san fran
no the hills i the valley in utah or hollister
from the banks of my beauty i regurgitate your beauty, spewing

line up all the things and tell me i'm doing something wrong
im doing everything right an I am STILL feeling this way
gaiety and sadness are WOVEN through my fabric of the space time continuum
shut your face
well hold your lips
kiss me quick
bite my lip
shift your face
morph your brain
ache your pain
love wont go away
spit your shit out you have now got two mouths
eat your scream shout
swallow with courage laid down
lay it down doors and shrouds
do inevitably come through the see-through room doom
metal
i see doom metal in my dreams
do you see me?
do you hear me?
doom metal trembles underneath a bridge
i never knew before this text-torial singe
burn my corners
up turned in turned


FAKE! HATE! liar celled icing cake

heart beats is all i can perceive
taps and dubs and proto-beats
blood speak is all i hear through the flesh

my new band's name: (fuck me in) My bloody womb

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

dreams

okay so last night i had string of lucid dreams
in most of my lucid dreams my astral body cant leave my corporal body because i am too scared
basically these dreams are in real time, i am consciously aware i am dreaming after i filter through a bunch of thoughts that quickly lead into dreaming before i can be fully asleep
my first thoughts in these dreams are "oh man this again?"

i was sleeping next to pearson and we had all these crazy telepathic interchanges

the first time was him walking through thee electrical wires that were like criss-crossing about 2 feet above the ground everywhere and mumbling to himself. and the words: bumbling blindly over boundaries trying to find his way, and getting confused. At which point i woke him up and told him i thought it had to do with his handling of his 2 pseudo-relationships with me and another girl.

next.
the dream where i awoke int he dream and again talking to pearson (Ps pearson's words's are really far away and hard to understand at all times) but basically we were taking and a crazy energetic electrical BUZZINg golden ball of light/sparking electricity came hovering (from pearson) behind my head between his head and mine. I was scared of this ball, but instead of waking up myself right away i let it be, and just stayed there and protected myself by using the technique that the self-hypnotist lady taught me in Toronto: putting a blue glass bell over all of me and it is one that only lets good in and not bad, whatever bad could possibly be.
Yeah so that worked but it still freaked me out that the ball was still there and i could still feel the buzzing and it was slowly growing bigger and felt warm and fuzzy but not in a good way
yeah so i woke up and told pearson and felt like the ball might have come from him

last dream:
don't remember what the message was or what pearson was saying but yet again we were talking. and i woke up pretty quickly now. the interesting part was that after i woke up i remembered that the message was a "lightening stick" made of wood that was electrically charged being dipped into the very center of a scared bowl (like a singing bowl) made of ceramics, with squares (with symbols) etched in the sides (maybe golden rectangles?) and inside was circles like a target. the stick was sticking in the center circle . there was also imagery of the stick going in my ear

anyhow
all these dreams spurred conversation with pearson about him being more honest with me and his other girl and encouraged me being more open with him and clear of heart and i hope at the right times i can share this feeling of being totally open and honest with the people who matter the most to me and in time i will be

right now i am not confused and feel like everything is so totally fine but i really want to share my life with the people around me in whatever way and have them be okay with who i am right now.

also:
i met my essence twin his name is milo
i think he is my essence twin
a reflection of me but in a different version

i love everybody and i switched on the non-monogamous switch that i switched off when I was in 7th grade and chose Suzy over Sazzy.
the major part of this dream was that

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It's time again for that time of the month when you realize there's a reason that you're synced up with the moon. Last time it was a full moon and I started waning afterward, thinking I was a poetic waxing my thick hair according to the sun's shine (and God, did he make me happy).

Well the reason is my purpose on this here plane we will call earth or Universe, or Here, or the world, or our center of origin that which we were spun out from in threads and returning to in hoards, ha heh, yeah and oh the way we blew our minds out of our gourds the last time, woahhh. I don't think we all knew the trip we'd be going on but some of us are enjoying it *wink you* . BUT this is a consensus reality. As you can uh tell from the way the drape droops of the globulus that swings within our auric rings yeah oh you can feel some call it gravity (i-trons) and some disagree BUT WAIT oh yeah I remember this November almost 11th (make a wish make a wish)...

My purpose: Cause my mom sang a song in arabic about the world and it goes a little like this. You get on the ship to meet up with each other, and you get off the ship and get carried away, but ne day get on the ship again to find each other across the globe.

Well it is in two parts entwined and lined up, I think I hope I have faith (I wish!) I pray. First part: is how we are here to meet EVERYONE and love EVERYBODY. and second: How I am here to connect people PLURAL with myself (SINGULAR) and myself (SINGULAR) with another (SINGULAR) to cancel each other out.

That is my goal, nay my duty, is to spread and mix myself out everywhere with everyone and cause great NEW CREATION but to also DESTROY at least 2 lives by creating anti-matter with our souls.

I think we got a little confused on this dualistic train of thought, but really I am singular and plural, and the hard part is to separate myself form the plural and adhere myself to another singular entity. The hard part, the UNNATURAL part is duality and any poly-ality, 'cept up to Infinity which is the plural I'm talking about which seems to be woven in every cell of my body (you now, dna and shit). So this duality, is only movement I thin, but in this life I find it might be nice to cancel each other out break down the waves and reach... oh, what's that called yeah, super-condensed state?

Boise Einstein Condensate.
Werd.

"Under such conditions, a large fraction of the bosons occupy the lowest quantum state of the external potential, at which point quantum effects become apparent on a macroscopic scale."

I'll tell you a story. I found out about BECs hen I was a senior in highschool and I rushed up to my small-framed AP physics teacher and glabbed to him about w wonderful of a concept that was and felt so empowered to share in the knowledge with him. But I think I was showing off too.

It's like I'm only getting excited to show off. And if you think about mood emotional excitement and its relation to electrons getting excited and rising up to a higher outer shell in uh, you know, an atom, AND how it gives light. Well I AM fucking LIGHT. AND that's how I am alllllllllllll the time. You know highly unstable and always trying to share my electrons cause I want that full outer shell..

It's not sad and I don't cry to be sad anymore. I cry to shed my emotions when I come down from that highly unstable state called Bliss.

What is grounding to me? A sprig a twig a dog a tree a line a circle
the ground my hands the floor the flow the blinds the sun even, on a cold day
the rain is mushy i still gather its quality
the dark is loosening, I still get excited

But what is grounding?

" ground or earth may be the reference point in an electrical circuit from which other voltages are measured, or a common return path for electric current, or a direct physical connection to the Earth.

Electrical circuits may be connected to ground (earth) for several reasons. In mains powered equipment, exposed metal parts are connected to ground to prevent contact with a dangerous voltage if electrical insulation fails. Connections to ground limit the build-up of static electricity.

For measurement purposes, the Earth serves as a (reasonably) constant potential reference against which other potentials can be measured. In electronic circuit theory, a "ground" is usually idealized as an infinite source or sink for charge, which can absorb an unlimited amount of current without changing its potential. Where a real ground connection has a significant resistance, the approximation of zero potential is no longer valid. Stray voltages or earth potential rise effects will occur, which may create noise in signals or if large enough will produce an electric shock hazard.

The use of the term ground (or earth) is so common in electrical and electronics applications that circuits in portable electronic devices such as cell phones and media players as well as circuits in vehicles such as ships, aircraft, and spacecraft may be spoken of as having a "ground" connection without any actual connection to the Earth. This is usually a large conductor attached to one side of the power supply (such as the "ground plane" on a printed circuit board) which serves as the common return path for current from many different components in the circuit."


Our common return path.

Our emblazoned home.

Do you like the fire much? Here you won't have to be alone.


She said she said she said she ssaid she whispered....


But back to the point of my purpose. You see I'm so good at forgetting that once I remember I need to write it down and the funny thing is what i forget is how to remind myself! And you! Of what I'm forgetting!


Which is more than a sense more than a thing. More like a humm than a ding.

I can't show you unless you stay with me over time.


Because I am quiet then loud. Bounce the divide. I

don't

know

how

long

this

will last

Because I keep forgetting when the last time it was that you or I asked and how eASY! it was to remember when I answered to you withOUT you asking,

"I KNEW you! BEFORE you were BORN!"

and I did, and we did, and we all did. where were we before? somewhere around her I thin . you now we feel the dents of our bones i the ground when we step and feel a 'click' and then we align just in time and turn and rhyme and dancing is not a think you cannot live by.


I love this line I love this line I love this line I love this line


and I know what dear Nur you lack with grow. And what dear Nur you find will find you.


So do not dismay. I am growing by leaf and light and soon enough hopefully


I'll be able to have a decent conversation.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

i am manifesting clarity and a 1 bedroom cabin in the woods paid for in labor
i am manifesting residency status
i am manifesting clarity
air wind my spirit, fire light my heart, dust earth my water, music tingle my spine and twist it into relaxation and excitement

i am calling out to whoever whenever the down for anything crowd and saying i have the paciencia y fey and will you please come out today to shine o sun and clouds will you be extra cotton cloudy

thanks,
love, nur

Sunday, October 10, 2010

the spoken word is hey i demand these requirement piss all noww off y'all . eeeyah! and you kick them with your silver spurs and yu feel good as you here the sizzling because you realize they were not human at all now you and them are separated and one of us is evil. not me, of course. but the spoken word rideth out ona sword blade ont he dge, the double balded sword blade, cut thin edge-ed, slick and smooth and shiny and bright with powere. EEEEEYAh! once again, the sound vibrated her memory and she , as he cu into her neck, was drawn into a dream of a paradise, underwater, smooth and clean, and a huge mirror at the bottom repeating everything backwards endlessly.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

really loving where i live today
lubricate your insides!
it's time to twist! but not to shout.
lubricate your insides!
shake 'em down and all about.

its time to lubricate your intestinal tract
your mother knew better when she told you to DRINK IT DOWN
(olive oil and lemon juice that is)

lubricate your insides!
it's time to twist and not to shout
LUBRICTE YOUR INSIDES
cause theres one movement that's comin out

wooh!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Sunday, October 3, 2010

i love a tree whose eyes our brown was born for me to make a sound that fans and waves with gentle branches the swaying ways of this enchanting is uncertain as the night. the mare who rides is by my side. my arab princess sister half heritage. and all will come together for this marriage.

OF HEART! TO PART! OF FLINT! AND STONE! (and whole)
no stone left behind
no passion undertoned
but slowly growing
the nose knows

Friday, October 1, 2010

breathing in refreshment, breathing out distortion, breathing in the present, breathing out the past, breathing in newness, blowing out the stale mulddane motions of yesterday's smelly breath
blowing it softy through the inside of my lips
the air caressing the pink flesh as my lips underturn and pull outward
removing the residue of pain
and the marks of shaming myself for yesterday's waves
letting loose not being okay
so that i do not have to change
i just have to let go of its measurement and decay
god will do the rest, and I have faith

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

naked mondays







http://whatishuman.tumblr.com/

Human is me I am human. Unleash the human. I am hairy human hear me ROAR. I am confused skinned and bloodied human. I am design. I am form. this is this is is what was. random bullshit. Moxied and mixing.
there is dark and light. i feel dark today. some other me must feel light.
felt feather
feel better?
feeling....

mixed messages and mixed massages.

i looked into your eyes and felt a surge of exectrical cosmic birth. somehting like it feels when one falls in love.
but your eyes, were averted, and i wonder, in my human form? is it really just all attachment?

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Excrement

for some reason I decided a few years ago not to be bothered by most bodily function, mine or yours.

ive become somewhat obsessed with my lower intestine recently. the question is, after you've gained complete control over your organs, how much control do you exert?

it is known that when pooping, shitting some call it, you can lose your natural pushing response by habitually pushing too hard. this happened to me. and then I found, I could reverse the crazy 'stuck in your belly' effects by just Letting Go. Now.
I have a choice. When to push? When to just let it drop? It's all so new to me.

And.... this is why no one will ever think I'm beautiful forever (unless they're obsessive).

BUT it also seems the less I worry about how much excrement is inside my belly, the more comes out. Surely you've already grasped this life metaphor it's the ONLY one. You know the one about how when you hold onto a bird too hard you kill it, but if you let it fly away, you know, it'll fly away, and Maybe come back.

I hope that bird flys away forever. But Also, that my poop doesn't re-input any old toxins. Like old boyfriends who really should have gotten the fuck away from me by now. But, kittens. Do bring the family together. Ug .

This morning. My mother brought me coffee and cake in tiny pretty plates.
This morning. My mother brought me coffee and cake in tiny blue and yellow plates.
This morning. My mother.
After exiting her womb. I looked over. Across my left shoulder.
I looked over. The base of my chin caressed over. Point to pin bone.
Wearing white lingerie. Wearing white linens. White stuck to my skin. Peeled off white slightly synthetic material I can feel stickky-ness. It's hot and still summer here.
Layers.
After exiting her womb I saw a sign, said, Come Back Soon!
Escaping doom I knocked it over with my LEFT foot and my LEFT hair.
Covering. My stomach where I dread the dredges do drop their shit.
bum.

Friday, September 24, 2010

There upon a mounted hill lay here hair all dizzied and a'spilling out into the ridges like carbon nanotubes of inbetween spaces which allowed for occassional mis-savings. But off in the distance some tried and "true" rythm hummed against the clouds. Made her and here with her hair feel weirded out. How do I explain? She lifted up her upper ody up letting the frayed edges of her strands dripple the ground and ripple the sound. Flew out over and abode. Now, weirdness gone, makes a metal slapping sound in your heart. What was gone? What had come? Was I even here? Feet pick up feet pick up feet pick up slowly and no one is heard. Not a pee pea pod slope slippily lying. SO I can turn my head and call you out on divining. But hopefully, when the girl hair draping ever so nicely on the groped grass returns to lay her heavy head and make rest, one single spark of goodness will make it so that the devil curly haired brown manipulative lady who steals goodness from hearts and changes the consensus to being okay with hurting everyone in the world to the point that they don't mind us MANGLING THEIR BONES TO HEAVEN will be gone.

never wanted to hurt someone so bad and how does it change when all day all sun shiny joy unspoken and without quality comes to you yearning to be now now nownow now meoww.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

HEY NOW

lookee here. I just made a website :

NuR uNIVERSE NEEDS


In other news, I have little money, lost my wallet, am returning home to a roommate I am apprehensive about seeing again but with whom I feel I have great confidence in.

Um.... Not much else to say except for um..... the above mentioned website......



***jab****

Saturday, July 3, 2010

please mother dont murder my children


Please Mother dont murder my children
[the underling things that crawl in the day on ym face]
Please mother dont tie my hands behind my back and then say, AHA! I KNEW IT!
[liek they all do when they engorge their lips with my lipase]
i need help
i need help
i am helped and so i need it but what what what but what what what do i do

..... this mentions me here
keep having crushes on boys who are taken, and me, a lady already taken (albeit by some ghost no doubt) keeps feeling like some circulating joke.

flock foil
foul.

damn straight alien lady.

big eyes and crooked teeth is all ive been thinking about since the 7th grade
so there, there is my complex, i wanna know...... I WANNA KNOW when some shrink will see me? please see me said i and do whatever you have to do to understand that I DPNT KNOPW where the crayon went when it got superliminally shoved up my nose and INTO my brain.


big eyes. and crooked teeth. disease. big eyes and crooked teeth dis-EASE. big-ease. dis-easer.

the... i cant open my mouth complex. the... i can t look people in the eye complex. THE
icanttalktomyfatherevenifiwantedtobuthesstill alive
dIS EASE


BREeaking on banking on laying by the bay on the sand with my hands alongside of my swimsuit (torso) and i scraped the edges of the creases of the wrinkles on myknucles an di love how long my hair tarried but i still cant seem to raise my eyelids past half a centimeter and sometimes thats enopugh to see the light thats coming off the sun but at the right sunset it can feel like youre pretty fucking blind....


i know
i turned away
what the fuck

why does a girl want what she cant have and has to learn to not want what she dopes.... does...

today i had a crush on an engaged man! and didnt know! today i realized i suck at telling how people are!

and theres the hole in my wall and the worried thoughts saying choo choo choo choo down the tube wire heart thaw

layer it

layeR IT
DA

i can cause cake damage

i heart you toe squeeze

allowance after allowance all of it

makey lady pee plants


spoken not shared

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

lost heart made to ahce but baked further gold into foil, started foiling itself around town twirl twirl twirl...
special feeling comes form where but i bought boy oh boy bought the perfect gift in the form of an abtract wish to eb blessed with height of the spiritual mind but so off and on i notice it is really ego
upon opening to this new day i say my tongue is not yet burnt and my mind is mire pure than in the countless hours slepping through my sun my sunlight my sonshine
son shone yah
sun peppers and sun maizes
beautiful boy in urban gold and child-like memories of easter on the cement sidewalk
cracked open like today
i lifted my head i lifted my neck
i spoke out and shouted like unduel motions
emoting ebb dub lub flow
making drears out into daisies i collect my head and who and where are you?
for inf another is to come up and wask me over, i may as well this time adjust the speed and wait to see if the great catastrophe chooses not to come...
confused as well as you two are on the same page
i unclothed rush to your side as the dress folds under you
and eahc one will love another like a brother or a sister kind of lover.
and eahc one underneath their petticoat shall be lifted in twirling lights of male female games...
the spicyness to experience free love
is coming
in me

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

on the birth of destruction i burn your harried faces' emblem across my breast!
i carry your incessant ties to soil and root of earth and UProot them unto the sky!
THEY BURN!
and when each cell on earth lies down at night to slumber, to rest from the nakedness of day(aching), I will give them the delight of the bare dark sky and barely there opalescent little moons.
i mourn for you oh mother earth
oh ma ma me-uh oh ma my-uh.
ma ma mother maya me oh maya mama mother
delicate shards of glass i wear on my sky
lens of truth when wants truth to be splintered
lowerd lens of truthe
layered lowered longer lens of truth
laboring idly
sleeping wildly
tired

Friday, April 23, 2010

my heart stretched out so fine the creases' powder
my wretched heart stretched
my heart so full and emptied, i begin to see clearly
out of the open wound i have been harboring flows
blood red anger
and the letting promotes growth
somehow and in some way that
i do not know
my flow and ebb slows to show
somekind of passion that
i do not know
my heart wretched and torn
many newborn
my heart in pain and drained
i am tired
slain
reborn
fire favor
falling
into
scabs and showmanship
a ripped jacket
a clip
from the endangered species channel
and now,
the extended version
of the kill
when i ripped out my own heart and hurt beyond
error error error
shit
banking on some watery grave
to place that stone of a heart i birthed
stillborn and still born
alive in the most peculiar way
you say it's okay but how can i ever forget just how sad I am all the time and in all the ways tainting everything i love?
..and everythibng that loves me
with RIVALROUS ANGER
SPEARS
AND TOOTH AND NAIL
BLOODY PIECE OF SKELETON
JUST TOOTH AND HAIR
barely there kind of bare
I am a bear a bird a spirit
they helped me last night
Was it them who i awoke to in spite of him?
God where are you? I prayed to you and I felt you but you were in-
SO MANY PIECES
how could you take me
with so fragile of a frame
What am I made of?
If it is of God then why is my structure so hard
as to remain in this same beating pattern of my heart
as to remain so bitter so strong so born and torn
why my heart
is only a rock
but i birthed him out
i shouted and tore him to pieces and lay him down, like God
with the vulnerability of a child I look on in amazement and wonder
my child is a stillborn, still born
my heart is stretched out to harden wider and longer
my throat is closed and open
my base is a trunk truncated and locked
i am lost no here but lost no here but barely there bare and-
Oh maybe I don't understand this...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Can I still be a whore who loves her lovers with the deepest thoughts and palpitations known yet to her? No I guess not. Thanks a lot slyly conservative upbringing... WHO am i fighting against? Myself, myself, myself...

I've been matching all your faces to new ones. New voices are old again, familiar, though revised. I met a John Wagner and a Gabe, I've met people I know and will never know. They are just replacements for the comfort I seek within myself and the liberation I try to aim at every day. Like stuffed animal buddies.

Speaking of animals, Lupita had her kittens yesterday evening, 2 black, 2 black and white swirls, one completely white one. I think I'm crazy. That means 8 kittens now. Cats. The most I've ever had. Oh well. Cute furry animals are essential when you are in a phase of relationg to them mroeso than your human counterparts.

Mostly I'm tired of fighting. Every second of the day that I don't live alone seems like a chore. I get nervous just at the sight of someone I've met before. Really I should stop pretending I want to have friends so bad and do fun stuff like walking places and jumping on things. because this Nur here is slow calculated afraid and cautious. Strapped onto my own backpack, a box in a box in a box in a box. I've never been so socially confused worried and anxious. Half of the time it feels like I'm trapped, clautrophobic, And other times just like I'm getting to watch this very fabulous and interestion memoir I just caught on tv.

Hello Goodbye. Another try today?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

And the gods of greene spoke out before the council and declared their claim. The goverment fought hard and had shown numerous documents of children who were born with the mark of Nur on their foreskins. But alas, her peoples could only but refute these claims. Finally, they pulled their little hands out of their masionic robes and spoke, "We but only can spare $1023 for the Greene."

And so it was done. And so it shall be. Nur holds in her pocket one thousand and twenty-three.

Dollars that is.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TAX REFUND DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

One thing I did wrong today, I expected that the feelings I had this morning were indeed able to be understood and figured out. If only I left well-enough alone. Now, in trying to leave well enough alone, I am left alone. Shook it out of my head...

This is my second day of school at College: Round 3 and if I succeed I'lkl get to move onto Round 4 .

Friday, April 2, 2010

Gender Issues

I seem to have a predisposition towards holding women up to such high regards that when they live outside those pedestal laden oxes I set them on, I simply push them off and create obsessive compulsive avoidances around them and shut them out of my life.
people I like and people I love. people i don't even know

cause my brain says LOVE and my heart hurts, all the time. It's dis-abled

Do any of you have any gender issues?

Friday, March 5, 2010

Hello World

It is noon, I've been up for 4 hours. I go to bed at around 9pm. Yesterday I rode 20 miles or more on my bike and my butt really hurts. I am frustrated today. Very frustrated since I woke up. And had dreams about my two kittens Antoine-atron and CombuleCombule TumTum that I gave unto the wood spirits to take care of, and of my dear Azrael whom I miss like the fountain of youth I once knew.

I also had another dream in which this girl whom I no longer feel comfortable around tried to explain herself, but the dream ended before she cold explain anything. I take this as meaning she has no explanation for herself, and that I should continue avoiding her. Unfortunately, her like another, I can't get out of my head. I hate how I have to think about her all the times, in my dreams, in my day dreams, this fear, this threatening face guides all my emotions and actions, which to me are one in the same.

I can only hope one day the joy I find in my own personal illcommunicable mental processes will be able to become as creative as the art i see swirling all around me done by friends and husbands who paint and play music.

I want to learn to love myself more.

Dear Nur,

Please do not run away again today.

Love,
Nur