Friday, December 31, 2010
Monday, December 27, 2010
you can find me if you try real hard, or oh i dunno ask one of your friends.
when i want to contact someone, let's see, like Aaaron, I look back in old emails for phone numbers, I call people he knows or used to know, and eventually I find the phone number, the address, etc.
my phone number is 3 6 0 4 6 4 86 56
and if youve never had a good conversation with me outside of a party, it might be a little tough now. but we are still people persons
a person is sitting in my my bed
not dead but dreaming
toes i love sticking out being caught by kittens
and a spider web descending like snow glitter
but no snow here dear just green chills
blue turn into green
that what the time oil is for
massage time into fine lines so maybe my veins will get big enough to draw blood
red and white candy canes
blood and breath baby
Saturday, December 25, 2010
if cysts and trists were triangles and silences, then chains of flowers would dance with me ovar my crown and lay me down for hours.
i think i just immaculately concepted the next saviour
is that alright to say outloud?
he was conceived on christmas eve
ive got ALL the symptoms!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Friday, December 3, 2010
observation before judgment
day one dec. 3rd:
1 1/2 cup sweet potato, 2 eggs, coffee, black tea - 10am
1 cup oatmeal w/ 2 tblspns ground flax seeds, rose petals, 1/2 banana, agave - 2pm
1 cup oatmeal, 2 tblsp flax, 1/2 banana, raw honey -4:30p
1/4 cup of red curry w/tofu, 2 leaves/stalks of chard w/ coconut amino acids & olive oil - 630pm
3 bowls of almond butter stirfry w/ quinoa - 9pm
whisky and coke, cigarettes (4?)
1 cup coffee (large), 1 blackberry cider, before 2pm
1 cup oatmeal, 2 tablespoons flax, 1 banana, rose petals
bark weave moon groove
speaker ssap sokes up through your nose
mis-called your name game
lit grit shit nit-pick
spout out the shout-out the
the grass grown fed cow shit
shit shit shit
let out boar hair whore with devil's horn
let in greene grass fed sunshine led stray rays
star light star bright bright bright
hope eyes upturned
poor little shaker
shake salt out pill it with some ole spelt whheat
shake shake shake nervous energy
you can or cant
get it calm
it's okay im not really here
im really here
im not really here
im really here
im not really here
it's okay she shouted yelled spilled spelled from the roof of her mouth
from the top of the roof from the streets of Brooklyn
no, Olynpia, no Brooklyn, no delaware, no san fran
no the hills i the valley in utah or hollister
from the banks of my beauty i regurgitate your beauty, spewing
line up all the things and tell me i'm doing something wrong
im doing everything right an I am STILL feeling this way
gaiety and sadness are WOVEN through my fabric of the space time continuum
shut your face
well hold your lips
kiss me quick
bite my lip
shift your face
morph your brain
ache your pain
love wont go away
spit your shit out you have now got two mouths
eat your scream shout
swallow with courage laid down
lay it down doors and shrouds
do inevitably come through the see-through room doom
i see doom metal in my dreams
do you see me?
do you hear me?
doom metal trembles underneath a bridge
i never knew before this text-torial singe
burn my corners
up turned in turned
FAKE! HATE! liar celled icing cake
heart beats is all i can perceive
taps and dubs and proto-beats
blood speak is all i hear through the flesh
my new band's name: (fuck me in) My bloody womb
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
in most of my lucid dreams my astral body cant leave my corporal body because i am too scared
basically these dreams are in real time, i am consciously aware i am dreaming after i filter through a bunch of thoughts that quickly lead into dreaming before i can be fully asleep
my first thoughts in these dreams are "oh man this again?"
i was sleeping next to pearson and we had all these crazy telepathic interchanges
the first time was him walking through thee electrical wires that were like criss-crossing about 2 feet above the ground everywhere and mumbling to himself. and the words: bumbling blindly over boundaries trying to find his way, and getting confused. At which point i woke him up and told him i thought it had to do with his handling of his 2 pseudo-relationships with me and another girl.
the dream where i awoke int he dream and again talking to pearson (Ps pearson's words's are really far away and hard to understand at all times) but basically we were taking and a crazy energetic electrical BUZZINg golden ball of light/sparking electricity came hovering (from pearson) behind my head between his head and mine. I was scared of this ball, but instead of waking up myself right away i let it be, and just stayed there and protected myself by using the technique that the self-hypnotist lady taught me in Toronto: putting a blue glass bell over all of me and it is one that only lets good in and not bad, whatever bad could possibly be.
Yeah so that worked but it still freaked me out that the ball was still there and i could still feel the buzzing and it was slowly growing bigger and felt warm and fuzzy but not in a good way
yeah so i woke up and told pearson and felt like the ball might have come from him
don't remember what the message was or what pearson was saying but yet again we were talking. and i woke up pretty quickly now. the interesting part was that after i woke up i remembered that the message was a "lightening stick" made of wood that was electrically charged being dipped into the very center of a scared bowl (like a singing bowl) made of ceramics, with squares (with symbols) etched in the sides (maybe golden rectangles?) and inside was circles like a target. the stick was sticking in the center circle . there was also imagery of the stick going in my ear
all these dreams spurred conversation with pearson about him being more honest with me and his other girl and encouraged me being more open with him and clear of heart and i hope at the right times i can share this feeling of being totally open and honest with the people who matter the most to me and in time i will be
right now i am not confused and feel like everything is so totally fine but i really want to share my life with the people around me in whatever way and have them be okay with who i am right now.
i met my essence twin his name is milo
i think he is my essence twin
a reflection of me but in a different version
i love everybody and i switched on the non-monogamous switch that i switched off when I was in 7th grade and chose Suzy over Sazzy.
the major part of this dream was that
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Well the reason is my purpose on this here plane we will call earth or Universe, or Here, or the world, or our center of origin that which we were spun out from in threads and returning to in hoards, ha heh, yeah and oh the way we blew our minds out of our gourds the last time, woahhh. I don't think we all knew the trip we'd be going on but some of us are enjoying it *wink you* . BUT this is a consensus reality. As you can uh tell from the way the drape droops of the globulus that swings within our auric rings yeah oh you can feel some call it gravity (i-trons) and some disagree BUT WAIT oh yeah I remember this November almost 11th (make a wish make a wish)...
My purpose: Cause my mom sang a song in arabic about the world and it goes a little like this. You get on the ship to meet up with each other, and you get off the ship and get carried away, but ne day get on the ship again to find each other across the globe.
Well it is in two parts entwined and lined up, I think I hope I have faith (I wish!) I pray. First part: is how we are here to meet EVERYONE and love EVERYBODY. and second: How I am here to connect people PLURAL with myself (SINGULAR) and myself (SINGULAR) with another (SINGULAR) to cancel each other out.
That is my goal, nay my duty, is to spread and mix myself out everywhere with everyone and cause great NEW CREATION but to also DESTROY at least 2 lives by creating anti-matter with our souls.
I think we got a little confused on this dualistic train of thought, but really I am singular and plural, and the hard part is to separate myself form the plural and adhere myself to another singular entity. The hard part, the UNNATURAL part is duality and any poly-ality, 'cept up to Infinity which is the plural I'm talking about which seems to be woven in every cell of my body (you now, dna and shit). So this duality, is only movement I thin, but in this life I find it might be nice to cancel each other out break down the waves and reach... oh, what's that called yeah, super-condensed state?
Boise Einstein Condensate.
"Under such conditions, a large fraction of the bosons occupy the lowest quantum state of the external potential, at which point quantum effects become apparent on a macroscopic scale."
I'll tell you a story. I found out about BECs hen I was a senior in highschool and I rushed up to my small-framed AP physics teacher and glabbed to him about w wonderful of a concept that was and felt so empowered to share in the knowledge with him. But I think I was showing off too.
It's like I'm only getting excited to show off. And if you think about mood emotional excitement and its relation to electrons getting excited and rising up to a higher outer shell in uh, you know, an atom, AND how it gives light. Well I AM fucking LIGHT. AND that's how I am alllllllllllll the time. You know highly unstable and always trying to share my electrons cause I want that full outer shell..
It's not sad and I don't cry to be sad anymore. I cry to shed my emotions when I come down from that highly unstable state called Bliss.
What is grounding to me? A sprig a twig a dog a tree a line a circle
the ground my hands the floor the flow the blinds the sun even, on a cold day
the rain is mushy i still gather its quality
the dark is loosening, I still get excited
But what is grounding?
" ground or earth may be the reference point in an electrical circuit from which other voltages are measured, or a common return path for electric current, or a direct physical connection to the Earth.
Electrical circuits may be connected to ground (earth) for several reasons. In mains powered equipment, exposed metal parts are connected to ground to prevent contact with a dangerous voltage if electrical insulation fails. Connections to ground limit the build-up of static electricity.
For measurement purposes, the Earth serves as a (reasonably) constant potential reference against which other potentials can be measured. In electronic circuit theory, a "ground" is usually idealized as an infinite source or sink for charge, which can absorb an unlimited amount of current without changing its potential. Where a real ground connection has a significant resistance, the approximation of zero potential is no longer valid. Stray voltages or earth potential rise effects will occur, which may create noise in signals or if large enough will produce an electric shock hazard.
The use of the term ground (or earth) is so common in electrical and electronics applications that circuits in portable electronic devices such as cell phones and media players as well as circuits in vehicles such as ships, aircraft, and spacecraft may be spoken of as having a "ground" connection without any actual connection to the Earth. This is usually a large conductor attached to one side of the power supply (such as the "ground plane" on a printed circuit board) which serves as the common return path for current from many different components in the circuit."
Our common return path.
Our emblazoned home.
Do you like the fire much? Here you won't have to be alone.
She said she said she said she ssaid she whispered....
But back to the point of my purpose. You see I'm so good at forgetting that once I remember I need to write it down and the funny thing is what i forget is how to remind myself! And you! Of what I'm forgetting!
Which is more than a sense more than a thing. More like a humm than a ding.
I can't show you unless you stay with me over time.
Because I am quiet then loud. Bounce the divide. I
Because I keep forgetting when the last time it was that you or I asked and how eASY! it was to remember when I answered to you withOUT you asking,
"I KNEW you! BEFORE you were BORN!"
and I did, and we did, and we all did. where were we before? somewhere around her I thin . you now we feel the dents of our bones i the ground when we step and feel a 'click' and then we align just in time and turn and rhyme and dancing is not a think you cannot live by.
I love this line I love this line I love this line I love this line
and I know what dear Nur you lack with grow. And what dear Nur you find will find you.
So do not dismay. I am growing by leaf and light and soon enough hopefully
I'll be able to have a decent conversation.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
i am manifesting residency status
i am manifesting clarity
air wind my spirit, fire light my heart, dust earth my water, music tingle my spine and twist it into relaxation and excitement
i am calling out to whoever whenever the down for anything crowd and saying i have the paciencia y fey and will you please come out today to shine o sun and clouds will you be extra cotton cloudy
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
it's time to twist! but not to shout.
lubricate your insides!
shake 'em down and all about.
its time to lubricate your intestinal tract
your mother knew better when she told you to DRINK IT DOWN
(olive oil and lemon juice that is)
lubricate your insides!
it's time to twist and not to shout
LUBRICTE YOUR INSIDES
cause theres one movement that's comin out
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
OF HEART! TO PART! OF FLINT! AND STONE! (and whole)
no stone left behind
no passion undertoned
but slowly growing
the nose knows
Friday, October 1, 2010
blowing it softy through the inside of my lips
the air caressing the pink flesh as my lips underturn and pull outward
removing the residue of pain
and the marks of shaming myself for yesterday's waves
letting loose not being okay
so that i do not have to change
i just have to let go of its measurement and decay
god will do the rest, and I have faith
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Human is me I am human. Unleash the human. I am hairy human hear me ROAR. I am confused skinned and bloodied human. I am design. I am form. this is this is is what was. random bullshit. Moxied and mixing.
there is dark and light. i feel dark today. some other me must feel light.
mixed messages and mixed massages.
i looked into your eyes and felt a surge of exectrical cosmic birth. somehting like it feels when one falls in love.
but your eyes, were averted, and i wonder, in my human form? is it really just all attachment?
Saturday, September 25, 2010
ive become somewhat obsessed with my lower intestine recently. the question is, after you've gained complete control over your organs, how much control do you exert?
it is known that when pooping, shitting some call it, you can lose your natural pushing response by habitually pushing too hard. this happened to me. and then I found, I could reverse the crazy 'stuck in your belly' effects by just Letting Go. Now.
I have a choice. When to push? When to just let it drop? It's all so new to me.
And.... this is why no one will ever think I'm beautiful forever (unless they're obsessive).
BUT it also seems the less I worry about how much excrement is inside my belly, the more comes out. Surely you've already grasped this life metaphor it's the ONLY one. You know the one about how when you hold onto a bird too hard you kill it, but if you let it fly away, you know, it'll fly away, and Maybe come back.
I hope that bird flys away forever. But Also, that my poop doesn't re-input any old toxins. Like old boyfriends who really should have gotten the fuck away from me by now. But, kittens. Do bring the family together. Ug .
This morning. My mother brought me coffee and cake in tiny pretty plates.
This morning. My mother brought me coffee and cake in tiny blue and yellow plates.
This morning. My mother.
After exiting her womb. I looked over. Across my left shoulder.
I looked over. The base of my chin caressed over. Point to pin bone.
Wearing white lingerie. Wearing white linens. White stuck to my skin. Peeled off white slightly synthetic material I can feel stickky-ness. It's hot and still summer here.
After exiting her womb I saw a sign, said, Come Back Soon!
Escaping doom I knocked it over with my LEFT foot and my LEFT hair.
Covering. My stomach where I dread the dredges do drop their shit.
Friday, September 24, 2010
never wanted to hurt someone so bad and how does it change when all day all sun shiny joy unspoken and without quality comes to you yearning to be now now nownow now meoww.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
NuR uNIVERSE NEEDS
In other news, I have little money, lost my wallet, am returning home to a roommate I am apprehensive about seeing again but with whom I feel I have great confidence in.
Um.... Not much else to say except for um..... the above mentioned website......
Saturday, July 3, 2010
Please Mother dont murder my children
[the underling things that crawl in the day on ym face]
Please mother dont tie my hands behind my back and then say, AHA! I KNEW IT!
[liek they all do when they engorge their lips with my lipase]
i need help
i need help
i am helped and so i need it but what what what but what what what do i do
..... this mentions me here
keep having crushes on boys who are taken, and me, a lady already taken (albeit by some ghost no doubt) keeps feeling like some circulating joke.
damn straight alien lady.
big eyes and crooked teeth is all ive been thinking about since the 7th grade
so there, there is my complex, i wanna know...... I WANNA KNOW when some shrink will see me? please see me said i and do whatever you have to do to understand that I DPNT KNOPW where the crayon went when it got superliminally shoved up my nose and INTO my brain.
big eyes. and crooked teeth. disease. big eyes and crooked teeth dis-EASE. big-ease. dis-easer.
the... i cant open my mouth complex. the... i can t look people in the eye complex. THE
BREeaking on banking on laying by the bay on the sand with my hands alongside of my swimsuit (torso) and i scraped the edges of the creases of the wrinkles on myknucles an di love how long my hair tarried but i still cant seem to raise my eyelids past half a centimeter and sometimes thats enopugh to see the light thats coming off the sun but at the right sunset it can feel like youre pretty fucking blind....
i turned away
what the fuck
why does a girl want what she cant have and has to learn to not want what she dopes.... does...
today i had a crush on an engaged man! and didnt know! today i realized i suck at telling how people are!
and theres the hole in my wall and the worried thoughts saying choo choo choo choo down the tube wire heart thaw
i can cause cake damage
i heart you toe squeeze
allowance after allowance all of it
makey lady pee plants
spoken not shared
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
special feeling comes form where but i bought boy oh boy bought the perfect gift in the form of an abtract wish to eb blessed with height of the spiritual mind but so off and on i notice it is really ego
upon opening to this new day i say my tongue is not yet burnt and my mind is mire pure than in the countless hours slepping through my sun my sunlight my sonshine
son shone yah
sun peppers and sun maizes
beautiful boy in urban gold and child-like memories of easter on the cement sidewalk
cracked open like today
i lifted my head i lifted my neck
i spoke out and shouted like unduel motions
emoting ebb dub lub flow
making drears out into daisies i collect my head and who and where are you?
for inf another is to come up and wask me over, i may as well this time adjust the speed and wait to see if the great catastrophe chooses not to come...
confused as well as you two are on the same page
i unclothed rush to your side as the dress folds under you
and eahc one will love another like a brother or a sister kind of lover.
and eahc one underneath their petticoat shall be lifted in twirling lights of male female games...
the spicyness to experience free love
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
i carry your incessant ties to soil and root of earth and UProot them unto the sky!
and when each cell on earth lies down at night to slumber, to rest from the nakedness of day(aching), I will give them the delight of the bare dark sky and barely there opalescent little moons.
i mourn for you oh mother earth
oh ma ma me-uh oh ma my-uh.
ma ma mother maya me oh maya mama mother
delicate shards of glass i wear on my sky
lens of truth when wants truth to be splintered
lowerd lens of truthe
layered lowered longer lens of truth
Friday, April 23, 2010
my wretched heart stretched
my heart so full and emptied, i begin to see clearly
out of the open wound i have been harboring flows
blood red anger
and the letting promotes growth
somehow and in some way that
i do not know
my flow and ebb slows to show
somekind of passion that
i do not know
my heart wretched and torn
my heart in pain and drained
i am tired
scabs and showmanship
a ripped jacket
from the endangered species channel
the extended version
of the kill
when i ripped out my own heart and hurt beyond
error error error
banking on some watery grave
to place that stone of a heart i birthed
stillborn and still born
alive in the most peculiar way
you say it's okay but how can i ever forget just how sad I am all the time and in all the ways tainting everything i love?
..and everythibng that loves me
with RIVALROUS ANGER
AND TOOTH AND NAIL
BLOODY PIECE OF SKELETON
JUST TOOTH AND HAIR
barely there kind of bare
I am a bear a bird a spirit
they helped me last night
Was it them who i awoke to in spite of him?
God where are you? I prayed to you and I felt you but you were in-
SO MANY PIECES
how could you take me
with so fragile of a frame
What am I made of?
If it is of God then why is my structure so hard
as to remain in this same beating pattern of my heart
as to remain so bitter so strong so born and torn
why my heart
is only a rock
but i birthed him out
i shouted and tore him to pieces and lay him down, like God
with the vulnerability of a child I look on in amazement and wonder
my child is a stillborn, still born
my heart is stretched out to harden wider and longer
my throat is closed and open
my base is a trunk truncated and locked
i am lost no here but lost no here but barely there bare and-
Oh maybe I don't understand this...
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I've been matching all your faces to new ones. New voices are old again, familiar, though revised. I met a John Wagner and a Gabe, I've met people I know and will never know. They are just replacements for the comfort I seek within myself and the liberation I try to aim at every day. Like stuffed animal buddies.
Speaking of animals, Lupita had her kittens yesterday evening, 2 black, 2 black and white swirls, one completely white one. I think I'm crazy. That means 8 kittens now. Cats. The most I've ever had. Oh well. Cute furry animals are essential when you are in a phase of relationg to them mroeso than your human counterparts.
Mostly I'm tired of fighting. Every second of the day that I don't live alone seems like a chore. I get nervous just at the sight of someone I've met before. Really I should stop pretending I want to have friends so bad and do fun stuff like walking places and jumping on things. because this Nur here is slow calculated afraid and cautious. Strapped onto my own backpack, a box in a box in a box in a box. I've never been so socially confused worried and anxious. Half of the time it feels like I'm trapped, clautrophobic, And other times just like I'm getting to watch this very fabulous and interestion memoir I just caught on tv.
Hello Goodbye. Another try today?
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
And so it was done. And so it shall be. Nur holds in her pocket one thousand and twenty-three.
Dollars that is.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TAX REFUND DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
This is my second day of school at College: Round 3 and if I succeed I'lkl get to move onto Round 4 .
Friday, April 2, 2010
people I like and people I love. people i don't even know
cause my brain says LOVE and my heart hurts, all the time. It's dis-abled
Do any of you have any gender issues?
Friday, March 5, 2010
I also had another dream in which this girl whom I no longer feel comfortable around tried to explain herself, but the dream ended before she cold explain anything. I take this as meaning she has no explanation for herself, and that I should continue avoiding her. Unfortunately, her like another, I can't get out of my head. I hate how I have to think about her all the times, in my dreams, in my day dreams, this fear, this threatening face guides all my emotions and actions, which to me are one in the same.
I can only hope one day the joy I find in my own personal illcommunicable mental processes will be able to become as creative as the art i see swirling all around me done by friends and husbands who paint and play music.
I want to learn to love myself more.
Please do not run away again today.