I AM OKAY
hyperventilation suystem skin tight mix and match broken rafters wood and porn
i dont want to make porn with you anymore bec. i am an evil monster and i can't trust you. end story. to the end bec. in the end . We all disappear. i never met you. I was just here. i was only a ghost.
CA Conrad made time to write a note next to my name to invite me to the st. mark's 24-hour event.
thank you God. it seems like I will be going to the east coast but I am severely apprehensive about it.
Is someone calling me? Is it you God? God wrote me sexy text messages fro, the stars and I masturbated to each and every one of them- in my heart. in my heart of hearts. I fell in love with all the ideas. the clouds. Now God wants his sexy text messages back. and forth.
back. and forth.
God said, I would tie you up if you just weren't so damned cute. I said, God, I'd tie you up. if you were'nt so Me.
I'm afraid Ive burnt my left hand of darkness off. None of this shallow bullshit.
Gender bullies. I aint afraid o' them no more.
Group meetings suck . i think they suck I think they suck i think they suck I think they suck,
and in my headphones only white noise.
now. blonde redhead. so . I take them down.
won't someone sleep in my bed. sex is such a great excuse to scare your roommates & friends away. love is even better. but sleep. sleep shallows my breath. won't somone sleep JUST SLEEP with God who God wants to sleep with?
I am moving into my own studio house. I am very happy.
_____________________________________________
a public letter to my uncle who i will never know.
Dear George,
I cannot express in words the anger that rises in my chest. When I remember the eyes of my child self, as I so patiently watched you in sparse moments throughout the years. I do not agree with how you have ever treated my mother. I feel like I understand so deeply, and I would and do make a different choice.
Nor can I express the constant disassociation from my heritage. These things are not your fault. But I am sure you can in the deep place in your heart understand, you know I always knew you could tell, that I am angry, that I am forced to find my 'Roots' on my own.
I always knew that this was a choice. What I do not understand is why you did not have the same loyalty I have towards my brothers towards your sister, when was the separation? Did you ever play together as children?
Do you understand my mother has been traumatized as a child? When you watched those 3 children hide and speak lightly, did you not realize how psychological it all was? Have you heard of the term 'inter-generational trauma'? When I read in Amer's blog, the hole in the hearts of the Palestinians, do you know I too have a hole in my heart?
I cannot imagine having a relationship with your family that doesn't require my family to put themselves into submission.
People can be oppressed from many different angles. I do not have the strength to admit this to you in person. I will hide and feel shame, as those who are taught fear do.
This is only my opinion. I have never shared this with anyone. But I do not want or wish anymore to re-connect.
When I can feel that you cut the cord many years ago.
This is a message from many years ago.
This is a message from a child who is still afraid of the dark, and who still wishes she could have been friends with her cousins, who remembers everything.
When one cannot find family in blood, they find family in land that even as people try to divide, it stands unified.
(and as a side-note, I write these words consciously, these are not the verbal mutterings of a mad man.)
I do not wish to cause sadness or pain. I only seek release for these long-held feelings. Because I never knew you, I felt like I could never say anything.
I do not expect to ever know you. You are old and life is already full.
Sincerely,
Nur Abir Greene
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