sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Friday, May 31, 2013


there are hands bled blue velvet ribbons draping the floors

i am preparing for a long trip. i am preparing for the dining whip.
I will be driving across the country to move back home, east. To help my kinfolk. To head the call of the wind to dream alone in spin-time by the Delaware river where George W. truly started a large gang called a country.
an open wound.
the plan: is to travel a vast distance to dig the roots out. plant some seeds. sew up old dolls.

every day i dream this dream in my head i dream of death as rebirth .. that's all.
little lucy said it was self-delusion. i only know it as a non-sequitor. its pieces non-connective.
did you hear the wall open its mouth and move breath?
ahoooo it said crevice full of traffic

si pusiera ser... nada.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

damn it feel s good to be gangster

social class: what's up?

so what's up with yoga coming from the Vedas? a text that also subscribes to a detailed caste system. a text that was created by lighter skinned Aryans enslaving the idigenous people of India (Dravidians) and appropiating their culture into their own spirituality which they then use to sustain their influence on India for thousands of years.
most people would just be like: well, that's what happens. ya know Christianity & Paganism?
BUT I would say. Something smells fishy.
If these texts are supposedly written through direct cognition with God, the Source, Brahma, Universe in meditation... why do they recommend class distinction and systematic opression.

While white folks and brown folks and rich folks and sometimes poor folks do Yoga in ballrooms... thinking to themselves, "I'm practicing an ancient form  of health, learning to merge my soul and body!" or "Well damn. this feels good.".. I can't help but think... The whole part of it being valued for being ancient, or handed down from G_d or.... having some divinity.. might be really... Social practice handed down and ritual  handed down, whilst taking precise emasures to keep it in good shape, as best we can since 3000BC..

But do we really want to follow systems rooted in human sacrifice and sluaghter & enslavement of idigenous people? a sytem rooted in... The creation of a moral and ethically foundation to the merits of Socio economic borders whose lines have sharp consequences when touched?

Even if in these modern times, lines are finer. Even if in these fine times, modern lines lie.

So here's what I think is really going on:
I think there is some universal reality wave going on.. let's call it Oh I dunno the Natural Laws or Universe or Nature or Physics or Consensus Reality.. But we could also call it Magic, or Reason, or Intuition or Medicine..
And these guides (sign posts, markers, channels, thru-ways, energy trains, vehicles, sacred geometry, the grand scheme of things, the way thinsg work, circles) are what humanity calls Religion.

But it might be that all the religions have got it wrong. That they forgot to take into account how evenly God would ahve to be filter through Society. For it to be communicated. Even Communion, to be communicated would have to become Distorted. Even Ritual, which imposes itself so that without words, without mental posits, one can embrace/ experience the ecstasy of Totality... Yet, even Ritual has to be passed down over hands and lockets, and will ultimately be communicated through the socially conditioned language, the socially conditioned grammar, the sociall conditioned brain, the socially conditioned bookstore that sells the various translations from years passed.. See what I mean?

What can we do to find the Truth? Because I am still under the impression it exists I keep looking.
I can't follow the geneology of the gods to discover the healing methods to cure cancer. But I can weed out this seemingly irrelevant information and get to the heart of the practice, no matter what religion. There are some common truths to be met.

Today I am figuring out if there is evidence or documentation that Hinduism stole much of its wisdom from non-Aryans lving in India before it was written.

I just don't really want to be part of a cult.

okay. alright. holla.
read this: weird.

Well. it may just be that I am going to be learning the tools of my trade my whole entire life..
Tools meant to see beyond the surface of what is apparent and obvious.

well ive gone off. gonna keep reading my Indian Tradition book (from the beginning to 1800BC) and my Human Sacrfice throughout history book, and my Pre-coplombia Literature book and I'll get down tot he bottom of this...
[ps i am hiding ina room bec. I am wearing someone's dress who is in the kitchen.. and I haven't changed since last night so... ]

Friday, May 24, 2013

thursday night residue

okay so basically this is what happened:
I even instigated rapid nudity at a birthday get together for a 19 year old (newly 19) friend. Who is very lovely and an amazing painter/person who wears vintage dresses and reminds me of myself when I was younger. Amongst a crew of people, ages ranging from 19 to 32, with an average age of 25 I would say although I haven't done the math... but hold on... it's 23.4 actually.
Well. We were having so much fun. And we were playing a naked game, and just being silly. I love being silly. Being naked, I hung with my legs from the rafters and didn't care how long my hair grew on my legs.. But in a second, after there was some truth or dare (which is just generally a game to get people to say and do things they wouldn't normally). There was a dare of licking a nipple. But was it jealousy Nur? Not necessarily because I didn't want my nipple licked.. But it felt like I couldn't handle being around casual sex. It mad me all of sudden feel like I was being socially pressured to, in order to remain fun & friendly, stay and witness acts that would make me feel uncomfortable. So after very vaguely and casually expressing my discomfort, I left. And I entered the main house and basically ranted about it. I said,
"It's not really fair when there is already a statement of consent spread around a party, for then, at random one person who is very loud and talks a lot to assume "judge" and decide what is and what isn't safe and okay."
"There needs to be consent and check-ins at social gatherings where there is nudity, or promiscuous behavior. Because not everyone has the same freedoms and boundaries."

I felt scared. Honestly, like, I couldn't really return. Because I was embarrassed that my actions, my fear, my discomfort, told tales that I do not wear outside of me. That I do not yet fully comprehend anyhow. How I was once a very naïve girl who grew up somewhat sheltered and was pressured into sexual acts and pressured into sexually abusive relationships.. and only later discovered how mangled my brain has become because of it.

I feel in this way that I cannot actually trust anyone. I feel that I generally don't want to be around anyone I know. And that I really need people who clearly express their boundaries and ask others to make sure they're comfortable. Maybe I will never really be Fun Nur like I used to be. But scared and vulnerable adult Nur exists and really wants to grow up a bit, recover from damage, so I can be strong and capable of speaking up fro myself.

I think that all the DIY scene's consent literature is really cool. But it is not the only way. Consent and DIY culture should not be linked,. Consent is for anyone.

And for everyone who has been touch without being asked. Or has been asked repeatedly until they said Yes. I hope you would understand, that it hurts much like .. seeing your friends flesh being pulled off their faces and falling dead, and being left alone.. oh yeah, emotionally.


that's all from TEETH CRUSH BONES see you next time

Thursday, May 23, 2013

i think there is a lot of awareness  |  to be had || that makes it obvious that alcohol is depressive.

i think wine might be okay.

especially beer.

especially when it is wet outside.


there are shiny things. like a hot glue gun.
there are puddles.
these ones here you just over.
these ones here you splash into.
but in this cold sphere.. the wetness is cooling.

blue crab. red crab.


is it worth it?

to give yourself away?

to go to the origins of your depression?


just make sure to bring sunshine.
turn toes into petals..
yellow ones.
orange ones.
soft  with the pollen that sticks to the crevices of yr fingertips
then makes the rain glow

{i am actually very scared to leave my adult home. and return to my child's self home. i am scared to be dominated over. will i be strong enough to not lose my cool the one i've gained in these here parts? ]

{motions all over body in circling spheres that move. and we feel them as neutral air}
{for them to talk so loudly into the micrphone}

Sunday, May 19, 2013

petals powers

not awake
soft sun falls in petals on my shoulder shirt slipped off
turn eyes around
feeling of weightedness forget

a small and subtle dream

i cried at the breakfast table
because morning seemed so new i didn't know what to think of it

because like chains i drag this root

in which is only some long umbilical cord

overgrown in the yard at justin lane

with weeds as high as rooftops

i can't handle morning smokes and throats that croak and attachment to materials

it's already sad to be alone in my own memory

but with the sun looking all smiley
maybe they remember too

that we are all together
bound and blue
running through fire

letting these layers fall off until
all naked

period an ending
an uncomfortable pause
how long do you wait?
well usually, when reading script you breathe to know when to speak again. and usually you breathe for a few extra beats than you'd think, just to slow yr speed down, because you were probably
on yr way to spontaneously combusting

god bless you

Thursday, May 16, 2013

Blood-letting in love or sorrow

in love or sorrow

these are this times
i bare my chest beside the wall covered in older years' paint scenes
pastoral pleasant by the bedside manner
a string'd nose
through the rim

in love or sorrow

i lay bare in on sheets
floral duvet spread
rainbow colored heads poke at eye level
in bed
of men with knives bare
ready to cut loose

in these modern times
space is made for this well
i entertain and created expand electric blooded
through recorded recordings
still spinning create melodies
of throned strings
knives as gods
god of yanni how do you say
in my ritual space.

this these times that do spin
form trinities
in veins that stretch
hold stones
hold needles
ready to pierce and release

the energy for an hour
enough to stutter.

depiction of-
depiction of-
rings of circulated oxygen
breath is blood
memory swells but is not inflamed
fire out and both in
magic real dream space.

it doesn't care to know
but sees

flow' red
in hearts
manifold   in darkness
as dark as
the metal sky screams purple
in winded times
in storm-driven times
one hopes to look upon the moon as their own
who rises again to sacr/scar/ed
or sanctify
suffice it should say
nothing is lost
in wells of tears been ready to fall
fall in-the face who venerates
on god/dis like
dress fell flat on their face
to turn upskirts way up

and just lay
splay arms out

to let in one more dream from afar
and spit out
one more dream from afar
to see more spins
in the flick of a finger
that does not feel pain
but notices the sensation of angels
noise angels who writhe with life
at the touch of an angled

of anything.


Monday, May 13, 2013

today was somewhat frustrating

Today at class, the one I teach, the student just refused to do anything for the last hour of the day... I think he was tired.

I wish there were more toys in class or paints and clay...

I want to bring in my clay but i'm afraid he'll ruin it. I don't have a lot of money, or authority in life. But of course he thinks I do. I got another parking ticket.

I feel an unknown sacred and vulnerable feeling in my heart.

Later today there may be an experiment. One in which I allow someone to dominate over me. It will be a test to see if that it is possible to express love that way. Which is all I really want to do. It is a test to see if truly wanting to be dominated over, is a valid and self-worthy desire, or an illusion, actually based in media influence and what not about women being trash and walked all over.

I guess I just don't really know. Since all my first sexual experiences were people telling me what to do. One would believe that indeed, It does hurt to be submissive, but now where I am in life, it is hard to tell, whether it is now okay to be in control of how and when, on some level.

I still am choosing, even encouraging this to happen.

Oh we will see...

I'm not ashamed of who I am. OF my decisions to be silly/ditzy and seemingly cover up my genius.
I am not afraid of my choice to use simple words in my writing.
In my poetry.
I am not embarrassed of my typos, whent hey appear pretty to me on the screen.

I love the way the lace drops.

I am not afraid of my desires.
A kind boy at the library. His hat hangs low on the back of his neck.
A girl last night giving me a tarot card reading, or I her.. and she not telling me what she knows of my flaws which I would so sacredly gobble up.

I am not afraid of how old I know I am.. and how young I appear. How human I appear. I am not afraid of pretending to be human, pretending to be white, pretending to be okay with Patriarchy.
I am experimenting.
In the end... I will probably see that it has hurt me, to go late, to park in the same spot where I know I will once more get a ticket, to decide to go to the now 3 hearings I have set before me, and today marks the 3rd. But I have never experimented with the law.

And I am a scientist at heart. HOW ELSE WILL I KNOW? unless I try.

I am not ashamed of my teeth. I hate them. I know that.
I am not ashamed of my face.. it is a work in progress.

I am not ashamed of my gender identity. I do not have one.

I am not afraid of my feelings or my lang-wage. The wages of sin is death, and I know one day we will all die.
In sleep, we will all fade.

I will try and try and try in all ways. Until I die.
That is actually a 3-6 Mafia song. Now aaron can no longer play it in his car for me. And I have long since stop talking to him anyway...

If death didn't seem so normal, so prevelant, maybe I would fall down and stop living.
But it doesn't make sense.

Oh Lord, I pray we are protected. I pray this rain today, in Olympia, does not create a permanent storm in my heart. I pray for peace.
And the release of old wounds.


Sunday, May 12, 2013

i am so happy

i am so happy i jump out of this window
say fuck you to toher people's emotions
and spend time in my womb/room to cry
it is joy

i am so happy
the day is shining and the blood that drips from my nostrils jumps with life

i am so happy
my feet are bent
the hairs on my legs are so scartchy and i feel inhuman

i am so happy
i don't understand you
i don't understand you
i don't i won't i can't understand you

i am so happy
i cannot talk
i cannot chase

it does not serve me
it does not serve me

by not wanting it


i am so happy

i feel fingernails crawl under my toe nails
i am so happy
i disown my own lust

i am so happy
fuck you
i am so happy i do not care what happens to you
i care for you so much
i lust after you
i wash my body in rags of pain after you
let me wash myself in front of you
let me bathe my toes in front of you
oily with dirty oil from the last change
filter less

scrape the filter

grape less

scrape less

fake less



maker shift




scratchy things called hair

i love you.

audio: i am so happy

Tuesday, May 7, 2013

la Lopp

everything is sliver
and covering like dinner

everything is dim
the light is left
to the left
to the left it
you left it

everything is uncovering
sprout point
it's fine
and okay
finger nails
shine like the
mirrors on
yr teeth
in the dim light

and can't we imagine
a blanket sky
smells like
not the aspirin kind

im not sorry
I have power
you are gone now.

I sit on the green grass in the shade.
and I do not love you.
Instead, I turn from you
and I do not eat you
instead, I am born of you
born of a cold wind
hot on a warm mouth

spit you out
king chow down,
no more patience for your kind asshole
only patience for my brethren.

oh I love the sunlight
I love the moonshine
I love the rain on the tip of my nose
I love the little birds' wings
as they make shadows
on their their way to God only knows...

audio: god only knows this sliverring

Thursday, May 2, 2013

making the personal public

this is all about making the public personal

drinking milk again (mostly raw) helps me to look more curvy and be a bit more fat, all over.
and I kinda wanna be a bit more fat.

I think I should stop drinking beer and alcohol tho.

Would like to work out and work on my belly.

Do yoga!

Body modification:

Using foods, herbs, behaviors, exercises, to mod yer bod!

Try it out! Feelin weird?
Change your face!

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

the difference btween a blog of entertainment... and recorded behavior being exhibited

concepts of my personal phillosophy

we are all great. we are all trying our best.

man, as created is magnificent - r. Buckminster fuller

the concepts of god vs. bad are false. we can practice this with our aesthetic representations. any painting has equal value. what you like is not the same as being good. that is based on personal preference. all is subjective. there is no good or bad way of doing anything, only sometimes ways that seem to help, or communicate, or ways that seem to hurt, or impede travel/circulation, etc.

there is always hope.

we are always changing. growth & death are inevitable.
every moment we cannot learn less. we can only learn more. - r. Buckminster fuller