sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Burning The Man - Part 1: The Beginning

And when we were bodies in the woods, we took The Shingle Path...

Today's Topic: Health of the Universe

Many of us are trying to harmonize our heads with our hearts with our bodies. If we look at it under one perspective: that we are already perfect. That, we are enough. That we are already here now, and doing what we're doing, that we never need to make up for anything, or become something else than we already are.

"It is important to expect nothing, to take every experience, including the negative ones, as merely steps on the path, and to proceed."
— Ram Dass

Now, is this saying that we turn a blind eye, to starvation? sickness? abuse? economic control? Does the Universe indeed need healing?

I think we will come to the realization, that not only does the Universe want healing, but that that is indeed what we humans, plants, and animals are here for. the Universe is a much larger place than the area our minds assign to it. The Universe represents its self in large(macro) and small(micro) levels. It patterns itself over and over again, to reveal more in less space-time, or less in more space-time.

When asked the question, Why does the Universe need healing? Isn't it fine the way it is, and working int he way it should be, even if that is towards what we may call death and destruction... We can relay that question to our own bodies...

If we are sick, do we want healing? O r would we rather train our minds to see through the dream-like essence of reality? Would we rather see through earth? See through pain?

I have observed, that when people are sick, they really do not choose as much. They kind of fall into a new vulnerability, where what matters becomes most prominent, they seem to be even more able to see clearly what is going on.

We are indeed made of flesh and bones, how can we say that that is just a scheme? There is purpose and meaning in this earthly existence. We have come here to learn how to be grounded, how to harmonize our amazing minds with our amazing bodies. How to harmonize our amazing earth, with our amazing free will and power.

So. Healing. Can help. It does not choose what to heal. Energy healing is about letting go, it IS about accepting even the "negative" steps. But it takes a step further. It uses the power and energy of letting go, and helps it to flow, Everywhere.

To believe that everything happens the way it should be is one step, to realize your actions make up the world, is another. To realize that all our actions together influence our reality, is another. there is no Union, but the one we are living, and breathing. Unity is not simply some high in the sky reality, that can be obtained with our minds. Unity is breathing in the same breath that a sick man breathed out, drinking the same water, that passed over a salmon. Unity is both heady, and dirty.

Ever find yourself having fun and immense joy? Only to then encounter a sick and worried individual? Do you ever feel guilty for being happy? Well, your joy helps them! Your love and relaxation of life helps! But what could also help, is recognizing their pain as Valid. Their pain is as valid as your joy.

Their suffering counts just as your freedom from suffering does.
Now. How can we share?
We are all figuring out how to share our personal accomplishments.

The way I am doing this, is through constant energy healing, truth, and the recognition that everyone is trying their best in their own way.

It hurts to be sick. It does. It hurts to not be able to breath, no matter how good life is, if you can't breath, it feels like you can't see. Life is there, we must awaken to it. We can help each other. Just lay your hands on the next person you see.

see what happens when you let your mind move into the body, and become one.
we have all of us, the ability, to never bee sick, or to let sickness pass.
illness is a message from deepness.
to traverse the deepness, leave you baggage behind.
just touch.
just touch.
and let flow.
i love you so much. and when you let it all come out. you realize that words, what youre wearing, what you do, how you believe, what lifestyle you live, how able you are to communicate, what you make, how healthy you are, matter like nothing in comparison to how Deep You Love. how unconditionally you can see the world. And fill it with Love like empty freedom.

Love makes all clear.
Nothing to fear.
And you dont have to be,
you are
your own destiny.

Put your hands in the air, like you just don't care
and shake shake shake.


Thursday, July 28, 2011

not the next post, post

"I am not you, so we don't have to go the same way. I can feel you all the time, so we can be two different places at once, and still get to connect our paths together."

Is this co-dependence and lack of boundaries?

"The various characters in your fantasies are extensions of yourself."

Maybe when I meet someone I feel so strongly for, I am just meeting the recognition of me feeling so strongly for a part of myself represented by that individual.I mean, if reality too, is fantasy. Made of dreams.


waiting out side to clean /meditate.

today's concept: fantasies, how we let our minds' create expectations that seek materialization

maybe I don't want much anymore. maybe i dont want things. don't want to possess. apparently I have electricity on my skin, that makes it soft.

i'd like to manifest. the idea that it's all under the sun.

maybe i think about having babies, and the picket fence dreams stuck way far in the back, at times. the idea of falling in love. how just when he said "synchronicity" the calm fell out of the bird's mouth onto the asphalt in the grocery store parking lot.
next to the water.
told me it was, too dirty to drink from.

i like to eat mono-meals. most people think it's weird, as in, won't share them with me. but... I think i need to be extra weird to control/manage my time.

neutrality feels weird. I am waiting for people to leave the buddhist center.
i am wondering how true it is, that all my fantasies have creates these attachments to how my life should be, or how yours should. I know, deep pit, that it's true, I've always known. I'm just so good at fantasizing. I can make things real. Is that black magic?

I wanna go away and read about nabaokov, in a crater, underneath a tall mountain, where the Mayans used to live.I think I have everything I have ever wanted. It's just... I do fantasize. A lot.

Like how one day Lupita (my cat) and I will rule the world as a huge jungle and eat grapes and play with each other's feets all day, cause we're sisters and all, and i love her so bad.

The one weird thing about my best friend and I, is that when we're having a real good time, and we're bonding, and feeling like the other is the only person one would ever want around. there's this other feeling that makes us separate. the one that comes from how we can't fuck each other. So then we seek, best friends that we can fuck, but we already have best friends... I don't know what this is, i am just observing. Is it just that me and my friends are super sexual? I dunno. I think we are, either that, or just super sexy.

I think that the whole thing that women, as they get older reach a sexual maturity
may be true.
The other thing I am observing, is that part of me is quite an animal. And I would like some unity on these parts.

bla blah blah...

I was thinking. I'm not sure. If I'm supposed to have anything I want.

Cleaning at the buddhist center is so calming.

okay by y'alll

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

This is a post in preparation for the next pose, next pose


In our next post, be prepared. The next installment. Explains. Everything I know.

By preparing you, to under the stand, know what I will be doing at Burning Man.

What I will do at Burning Man. Will entail everything I have learned. About:



Tuesday, July 26, 2011

a song: Kill The Buddha

Taking care of wounds and old
We could feel , appeal
to the
of a
twas a part
of the scheeeee--ma
lake line, do divine, do divide, over time, through the chords of our.
a deer, so discreet, never fears
of the years incomplete

speaking sweet
whisper clear
in an ear in an ear
to be sweetly heard by the fluttering
of bees
pro-polis stings
in your moutn
when you cover it up to cure
to cure
to cure
your disease
gums bleed
spirits dwell
all work
towards the whole
hole hole hole hole

we were spirits well worn in our
fold fold fold fold of our whirl
just twirrrl

and well worn were the whispers that formed beneath the crackle folds of wrinkling skin

and so were all the kisses we gave to each other performing old chagrin
to begin
to indulge
to derive
to be

"i once studied math, as a dream."

and you sink your teeth into the arms of your forlorn lovers parts
and you rip yourself apart, at the end, proclaiming love
but it depends

who are we?who are we?
we are the rain

fortunately free fortunately free
with disdain we stare
at the sun
gaze with love, he ur friend, he our love.

hides in clouds
with a dream
for rainbows bow
their heads
to the scheme

"this is the salt i bring
this is the song i sing
these are my favorite things

ramble-ling fairy kings
mountains of spiral strings
these are my favorite things..

And all the same, is true, For You.
We've all been, play-ing, the fool.

This is the salt I spring
This is the soil I sling.
these are my favorite things

patterns of fountain free
miles of mystery
these are my favorite things

And all the same, is true for you,
We'll all be playing, FOR YOU."

ring ring ring ring ring
a telepathic call to your voice
the commincator spreads
wings through the tele-wind
I spin, the cord, I wrap it arund my neck
it spreads
wings of tele-wind
will you respect?
my burgeoning voice?

the belief you have a choice
to answer kindly
my tele-wings
around your face

touch two fingers to your heart, one to your toes
bend your self in half
and become a ball
i will begin a creation drop of a hair
i sent out our spring of love
could you send it backwards?

no, no, no, no, no
a choice
i lay my thoughts down, and mind is roasted
rye rye rye rye
a thought or choice
bread of a feather slings together

bread is baked with yeast
from the stone
from the cavern
i hold out white goo
white god
no no no
over candid flow
everything must die
kill the buddha - kill the lies.
lo lo lo beckon sweet. old old old.

will you hold me? protect me? tell me sweet things
that i tell i tell myself.

a river runs through my heart
i love you
a river is a an old friend
polishing the stones of lenses
rip rive run rip river raises beds
run river ends river bends

soil makes flat dirt on your feet
pull up ball to chain to change me
i wann change wann change wanna change

speaking of time all rip-chords off in our minds
all the same all the sane

wann change wanna change

sleving and twine, di we lose all care of our minds?
all our pain allour pain
wanna pay wanna pay


stay with me
play with me
just lay with me
oohhh pay, for me

speaking of twine, did we cut off so we'd be blind?
all the lanes, all the lanes
wanna saty wanna stay

earth is our time
to eb sharing with our kind
all the same all the same
wanna play wanna play

ohhh just say for me
ohhh just wait for me
ohhh just stay for me
wanna name wanna name
ohhh just carry me
ohh just haven me
oh just flake off with me
wanna change wanna chnage...


in the stillness of a roooooom
beckon sweetly your mouth
to my lips
love is all i can drink

all i can drip

i am rain you rainbows and time
i am twine i hold lines

this song calms your nerves did you hear
a bird
it was you
and a word
tell it true

like a spin it will wring all your passions
did you fall
no matter

did you fly
we will both, hit the ground
concrete spins in rocks and cracks
crack denote the time it takes for you to come back

i will believe you are a king
i will believe you are a thing
i will believe you are the maker of all things
i will believe we created the world together
that a hope is a feather that helps you fly
away from the lies of time holding us to this space
no soul can disgrace
a love
like this

has no place in this world? what do i make ... of this world
but to prostrate in the dirt
and sky

xela cielo

me oh my

xela cielo
me oh my

miiiiiiiii, nd


with me
like warm yarn

hold covers with me
over our arms
will make the corner spaces

cake my min
with your wisdom
i'l unwind all my ways
words will spine up your ryhtm
i ahave healing for your brain
we can change we can change...."

this i pray

Monday, July 25, 2011

Hello World!

Both scary and shaking, like the lost puppy I am taking care of today. BUT OH SO HOPEFUL. And with good news too.

It looks like I have been approved to volunteer for 3 months in Xela (Quetzaltengo) Guatemala. The organization is called Nuevos Horizontes. They take care of women and children, and others who have been dealing with domestic violence and other trauma. It's pretty obvious in my life, I gravitate towards drama and trauma. I think it must be for a good reason. We are all good people.

I would be going there over Winter.

the city "Xelaj├║" (pronounced shay-lah-WHO) or more commonly Xela

I M IN LOVE i think. Did you know i'm part Mayan? And I feel a connection my people.
Cant write.

I have also taken 8 years of spanish classes. I have been waiting for the opportunity to dive into a spanish speaking country , so I can excavate my knowledge of grammar, vocabulary, and speaking skills, that I had tucked away upon meeting a really wonderful Peruvian in 2006.

Do you believe me?

If you are reading this. You have entered in to an area of time space. Where anything you have wanted (we have wanted for you/us) is able to come out now. You have entered NO*TIME* space. All time now is compounded into all-time or no-time. Now reach your hands into the deepest depths of your heart, into even the unknown dark parts. Reach deep, get your hands dirty and wet, pull it out. Look at it. Hold it up to the sun. Peer through the spaces in-between, use your eyes to see, whatever it is you are looking at, is made of light. Is MADE of LOVE. Is not bad, it is good, and it is harmonious, and we have made it together. As the sun shines through, as the Moon light falls through the spaces in-between it enlightens them, lifts them Into the sky. Your focus guides them. Your eyes are the lines they will follow. and they come from your heart. The one I carry in my heart. the one that is our heart. And shine out your deepest desires! Trust that we ARE all in This together. And let it go. Just let it disappear in the wind. Sands will come and cut it into pieces of crystal, and take it everywhere, to all people. Because You are made of Love. You are beautiful.


n g

"where do i belong god?"

what is it this grit moon grit or shit?

Sunday, July 24, 2011

i cant


it's already in one

Is this okay again? about a baby..

I cannot really explain... how emotional it feels for me to watch the last person i was in love with, have a baby. Good thing though. We won another one for the team. Baby was born on a 19th. In july. So she's a cancer. And being born on a 19th, means you're super special. the baby... born in 2011, will have their 2nd birthday in 2012. We will be turning 1 and 26 a month a part from each other. I wanna cry. I love the baby, I know I will know the baby her whole life, I know we love each other. It no longer burns me that their names rhyme. I love them now. It's just emotional. I am alone. My baby is a yet-born in my own womb, covered like the entrance to a deep tomb.
"something is happening that you don't know what is, do you? mr. jones..."
"he crosses himself then he clicks his high heels."

I do not know what is going. On. Like I said. i wanna cry. I am a child. babies makin babies. Milk from holes. "And you know something's happening, but you don't know what it is."

I suppose, I could look at it like this: That I am an extremely fertile woman, who probably wishes she could have a baby... with a person. OR I am a human being who recognizes the joy of birth. And just it's only been a year and 3 months since we broke up, and in that "short" time (time passes slowly for me, that's why I'm really just 19), he found a partner, and now, a baby. It's not that I'm jealous. I know I will have similar opportunities... Later. But. Just a process I need no thought towards. The process of letting go. Takes time. It's just a little hard for me. But i love that baby. And i love the baby's parents, and they love me. So s'all good.

A baby is just a tiny person.
A baby has tiny fingernails.
A baby is born.
And the whole world rejoices.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

was that which was gone around the corner?
how do you count time? in months? may i count in beads?
of sweat? pearls?
of tears? may i count in skin?
in dandruff? how it fills and with what frequency...
time to dry, our softness
mistress oh mistress
i have been counting sheep, I, a shepard
only want to find my shepard.. co-shepard
leaf part
fae oh fae oh fae

how do YOu count time? tell me
i count time in feelings of waves, and waves of sunlight.. years and the cycles of the moon and how often the folds of reality have folded...

confused again today and over the moon

i love you a lot, don't forget <3 burning man song

"What are you?"
"I am that which you are to. I am: An You Are?"
"What silly perambulations.. Permutations! You see you have me mutating my words like yours!"
"N... U.... R.... ?"
"Vanity?! That's all it is."
"but the flower but the otter but the rudder but the other..."
"But NONSENSE. Your ego is FLOATING."
"Must needs big egos to carry all that weight..."
"Let it go."
"But I will! At Burning Man!"
"Dark outside in the sun right now."
Shallow stories. Said swallowing. Above breath, like above water, breathe in the Ether.


another hour of coffeee
another mediation with my mother
my lil brother lost and under control
is his own father
feels father farther
family matters
material, he know follows no newtonian classics
wants to ride bike
wants grip under seat
wants freedom
wants flying
sister tries to help tries to help tires to help
sheparding those on their path
their path? my path? his idea?
where plane meets water meets clouds meets
if only I can bring thios boy, this love of mine, the forever kind away from "home" to the unknown arena
of washington state, green trees just as green as anywher else

he hasnt been hasnt been
is older than you
has not been anywhere
never rode a bus, cowboy
i plum forgot
stuck suck stuck forgets Mom is human
loses feeling
he has it
forgets all is being
love in flowers lost
love in emptyness
is reall
he feels and i must
shepard him into
a new cycle
where we mix comfort with discomfort
to grow
when did we disconnect? Never.
Never ever brother feather

i love him i love him i love him
lay low
wait oh saviour
we are arab
we feel different
life is hard
i understand
it's okay
always changing
when you come
you will fly
flight will take flight will take charge into
nether regions of
past lines
time space fabric = skin
and it will come alive oh dear brother
love nur love fadi love nur love fadi
light loves its saviour loves its light

Friday, July 22, 2011

I can't go to school unless my writer's libido is satiated. Right now I am "trying" to go to school. So what do I do? I try to describe things. Muscle: In my left arm, the part where the bone reaches the socket, arm to shoulder to shoulder to arm area, I have all these tense muscles from holding my arm in a certain way. what is rigidity? rigidity on a holistic scale?
Okay. i have found some already interesting things. First of all. I can seriously walk on people's backs really easily, maybe I could get better at it? And do massage for people. I have been seriously thinking of doing massage as an introductory way of getting to heal people, and have a back up for money. Of course I would only charge By Donation Only, which means the poor and sick can see me for free.. But back up a second.... can I get a school for this?
hmmmm who am i writing this for? can't I just think this in my head? I don't have like a writing style... I'm just trying to convey myself whichever way it comes out.

poetry comes from chaos. and ive been "fairly" stable lately. what to do...

yesterday was pretty interesting.
sam broke up with petey. petey went to Farrel Farms w/out sam. petey left his brand new travel mug and I found it. and it is mine. Also sam telepathically talked to the neighbor's cat, and found his true name to be, Johanan. we fed the cat, who most thought abandoned, but he was just the "mangey outdoor cat", but to us he was JOHanan! And we tried to give him love.
I started trading the buddhist center cleaning for classes. They are SO nice to me. i feel pretty at home. Altho I could talk for hours about my love for jesus christ, and my passion for god communion, it is nice, not to be questioned as to what my particular beliefs are. To know, I am amongst many of different beliefs.
this is the last week of school and all my hard work will come to an end....
And summer fun Will Begin!


Thursday, July 21, 2011


Do not seek to know, Form.
Neither form nor the Real
the True is itself
the Way to know is to Realize

If someone Sees, excellent.
Then thinks-knows,
is the mistake of the ignorant Eye?
for True can not be.
In form seen by human Eyes.
Neither can one. know faultless.
It IS possible to. Human Words. Or not,

We speak. His-Her form HAS NO form.
But can, in any form.
Many fest.
In any and All, Excellent.

So if one. Distinctly form clear,
Or yet not attached:
to, his her for, or, he, has.
(to see? and know?) in capacity.

will disappear....

just like me bYe




hey! oh you! child inside! oh you! child, don('t) hide.
I feel ya, knocking up gainst walls. Too small to crawl. But I open my tongue rolls it out, for you to climb. Little child, come inside, to be warm, to be sure, to be love, to be worn. I know you hurt. You are confused. Why do I miss people? Why do I long for the good ol' days? Of 2 weeks ago... But I know. Some scary things. Some fine. All come out in due time. And all the cats are uh comin out to eat of the food bowl. Grey cats skinny cats long cats. Sleeping cats with furr all in their mouth smelling, Meooowww. I love cats. Don't talk to me about it. I put 'em in ma mouth. I lick their furr. They are true walking gods of light. Damn they are fine. Cat obsession? Seems like a good one to have.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

shhhh this is a secret. dont tell. dont ask. non reality

Hello World!
For tonight's installment of nurnews, I will share with you the teaching from my class at the Mahayana Buddhist Center.

Desire-some Delusions:
- when you seek after something or someone and then project onto your reality basically. Oh. Like the example of really liking chocolate and even after it gives you a stomach ache, eating even more of it. Or being attracted to someone and then pledging yourself to them, once you merge with them, and become attached, and you project your MINE mINE MINE reality, until they are yours.

- 1st. Identify what youre doing/thinking, the path you're on as one not of a happy/peacful mind (but if it is of a happy peaceful mind then it is not an unhappy path).
- 2nd-ly. Apply an opponent. Turn from your own happiness, shift your mind to the other's happiness, it Matters. And you can use this prayer to get out of a difficult spot:

May you/everyone be happy.
May you/everyone be free from misery.
May you/everyone Never be separated from your happiness.
May you/everyone have equanimity, free of hatred, and free of attachment.

This I earnestly pray for everyone. In effort to switch my mindset, from that of simple self-cherishment.

I truly love you. And I know you are truly made of love. And you truly love me. And nothing, not even fear, or being overwhelmed, or having poor impulse control, will ever keep me from this Love.

it is a joy when i can remember how wonderful we all are and how hard we're al trying to do our best.


mentally debilitated. I exist to express the cognitive depths of humanity. I exist to feel pain, and send it back, as a response. A response is a reflection, alerting the community to what IT feels like. We are all sensors. I am doing a damn good job. I yell and I scream, I use vocal chords to alert the audience to my situation. In the event that you cannot speak or breath, come to me, and I will speak or breath for us all. But if you cannot move or fly, please go towards fire and airy ones, unlike myself. [feeelTHATspiritLORDiPRAY, feelALRIGHTnowFEELalrightNOWlordIpray]

There are several reasons why I am starting to believe the older men who told me I have asperger's, because afterwards I have become a magnet to others who are cognitively similar to, Oh what is it? the idea? The biology under-covers? I don't know. But as if a magnet, I am encountering individuals with similar social behaviors, ones that mesh really well with mine. They are usually people older than me so far, as if waiting around for the moment, so we could find each other. Like yesterday on the bus, a man who told me he had drank 6 or so energy drinks that day. It reminded me of how my mother refused to believe that coffee made you stay awake. And he kept repeating the phrase, "Wired backwards", as in "I'm wired backwards." It was that that made me feel/realize/whatever that he too was like me. This sort of genetic cosmic resonance, that emanates from within and from without our bodies. Now, I also, as a healer, attract specifically those with nerve issues, that very much have to do with the central and sympathetic nervous system, particularly issues concerning the myelin sheathing around neurons, and the wearing out of nerves in general.

On another topic: do you know what cultural rage is?
my people, the Palestinians, oppress and become oppressed, through the holding on of anger, and pain in the body. Help Us. Oh anyone realize this is a cycle within and without. We need help. We have so much love to let loose. We hold it in and it hurts. But we would like to let it go. Let go of love. Let go of land.


Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Well.. 2 weeks ago I felt like I was at my wits end, with my reactions. So I started going to the Mahayana Buddhist Center downtown. and the Nalanda Institute and have found all the places to practice different forms of Buddhism. Like a long wrapping paper made of many strings, perhaps this began years ago.

remember remember remember... and walk away. you wanna hide from everyone. Secretly cannot wait for x y z to leave.
what are avoiding? can you take a breath for me? [and we did and for that breath the rocks and twigs and leaves danced)

tail ended.
backwards fins rile up our hands.
they are fish spins that help your hands move like water.
[will they find my secret? will they forgive me?]
what was kali like in my mythology, when she was a human on earth?
kali was bustin
but i dont know her no, I know sam shine
i got globs of shine falling off my hands
held up to the sun
"Can I get some compassionate listening?"
asking to be given what you are not giving
you are what you are told you are
what you tell yourself
she was a tomato she was a fig
she fell to the ground all red
prostrated then, into a plum
pro-lithic edged nails
one of two only human species
blanketed idea like cataracts covers eyes
meeting aliens
peering out my window
i look up at the sky
and wonder
where can i go to help me be less self-cherishing?
do i go to where i stop writing?
do i go to silence?

do i jump into rainbow holes of unknown?
do i die with this fight?
how many times is my compassion slashed by my rage?
was she a mother? a stone?
a belly soft and big so immaculate
to lay on
his name is eric
he is the keeper of the woods
the yellow leaves
sing in his rejoice
the orange leaves turn their heads | to the ground and tiny ground pieces of small round dirt | perk up
like deer dear dear oh you in the head-lice
light liver a lover up and cover her him we with some flam shooters
sparks out fire does works
of mass
and weight
are toe
differences that wrap up together to create one
united. paradox. spinning .
when you open your palm it floats above it
this is as, was as, will be as, real as,
it gets

Specs. Tried trues. Marks. There are things you can say or not say.
what you are you are not
all i can do is look at nature for answers
when a leaf falls, it really seems like goodthing.
a god thing even
a mixed thing
a neutral thing
so clean
cleanse water
cleanse hands shaped like water
hands shaped like fish
hands shaped and shaping the world
with the mid brain region of our spoil
the skull

Monday, July 18, 2011

thoughts summer manic nur gets it ouut

i really want to go to south america this winter

i am ready to explore my mayan roots.
i was once a mayan princess... now what can i give back to my people?

i would like to help animals and people who have experienced trauma, people that just need someone to care about them, wash their wounds, teach them whatever they want to know, explore and adventure nature together, in a super innocent hey maybe we dont need to know the truth truth kind of way, i mean isnt truth everywhere?
i know i can show a lot of care, i just dont have specific skills

i would like to go with a buddy but life has consistently told me, that if i keep searching for a buddy to do cool stuff with, ill never get to it.
maybe god will send me a buddy and all I have to do is prepare to go myself.

note to self: aerial silks, hula hoops, try to figure out how to help people or enjoy people that sketch you out bec they have drug problems

trying to write down a song that gets stuck in my head, good

as we throw to the water
our soul takes covers
in the flight of the flame
what is lost is regained

forward motion is wanderin
and fortune is floundering
what we thought we had made
what was olde in its grave

and for seasons we wandered and found all our mathers
put bed into clay
blood is man blood is safe

and when all we are older and thoughts have grown bolder
what we thought now has changed
what was old is now safe

la da da da di da da la da da di did da d a la da la da da la , la la da la la la.

in other nur news: it feel like old nur is coming back. old nur is hyper as shit 24/7 yo. also these aspies (their term) that i met at the buddhist center downtown told me they think i have aspergers over breakfast this morning. i felt a weird cosmic resonance w/ them... don't know what to think! hmm... catching up on true blood and awaiting my sculpture to get POURED w/ BRONZE! contemplating how i will throw my performance piece together in 10 days.. mhmm. also CANT STOP SMILING. I SKIPPED ALL THE WAY HOME TODAY feels like flying... anyhow... i feel guilty for not helping people alot, until i realize i help people so much i am never alone, and am constantly trying to provide food and shelter for people that need/want/deserve it. i always want to live in a hosue that is willing to receive the homeless and travelling. however i realized i am not okay with greediness, or neediness. Hopefully I learn more about this, and I just wish it will transform into an easier situation where I dont have to wonder whether people are taking advantage of me. SMILES ON SKULLS! love nur

Friday, July 15, 2011

Lessons from Yesterday / // Pictures of My Wax Sculpture.. Before It Goes In the Kiln

Okay. So yesterday i was wandering all around town. I did not know what to do, I just can't do stuff unless I feel it is the right thing to do... Well, as the day grew I couldn't tell whether I was avoiding going to class or not, and worried about my project allll day. It occurred to me at night, that when I worry, it is like a little tiny message that says, "THIS IS IMPORTANT TO YOU!", and when I let it grow into a tired grangly thing that screams and feels guilty, I accuse the feeling of worrying, of fear. But worry could just be notice of deep desires/purposes in your day/life, and taken simply as a message, of what to do let's say, the worry as a worry can go away.

Today i am not worried about anything, because of this late night realization.

I have seriously made a small Giant leap. So much, of the aforementioned deep-pitted bum stabbing wound feeling in my heart is gone!

Now I can listen to my bodymindspirit!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

there is a lot of time for everything. part 1.

Cold Ray One

"Yaai WOa!" baby screamed wildly. Blonde curls. Straight dark. Clelboy the Cowboy, walked into the cafe, cafe Vita, life of coffee, life of tonic. "Tell a sonic story baby...", the baby as an elder whispered to him as he passed. "And the reason all the things we talked about exist, because if they didn't we wouldn't be around to talk about them..", balling. Bailing in moments too, in Brooklyn on his old rooftop, or was it Jesse's, while the sun was rising. Did that really happen? Snow covered, and marked leprosy ran in the family. Him arms warmed up to the sun sometimes and melted like molded wax. Ran feathers down his spine, to breathe. The weight of his hat, the rim large and rounded with grim remarks on reality, stones and bones, dead animals, mmm. But to look down before the hot sun arose, catch a glimpse of a fever beginning, stewing in the summertime sea of people.

He them they we, came to New York after some romanticized idea of what the world Could be like. Dirty. Dark. Loving. Creative. Hard, but not too hard. But, part past love and part past desire and part past abandonment, and deep inside yes I did hear a scream, was a seed, dark dirty wet mushy loving. Sit with yo shitty sity-mouth. A different city here a different city there, and all he could say is, there is some comfort is putting your butt in a small puddle of rain and cigarette smoke. Dust. Spit. Shit. And it is all okay. You.

[Oh you. Both a baby and a lover. My father. My grandmother. I heard you singing to me as child laying still scared of the dark and unknown. I felt your bones against my bones ingrained when we were the same age, and singing from our heart chords, outloud, so out in the loud, how can we keep from believing this incest disturbing?]

A sea of people raise their hands, their heads above water. The water, buoyant, lifts the crowd to surfing level. When you fall, you float. When you rise, you fly. This is the valley, the city, the convergence of energy unlike a mountain. And then, so much the inverse. And I suppose distance to the center of the earth can be described as the inverse square root of the distance you are to the nearest mountain top, of the inverse square root of the density of species. Love like layers, love is energy, love covers like a see through blanket. If you want to breath, can you give me some space too?

And so Clelboy the Cowboy, left the city, and headed towards the woods.

And where this story starts is the point of his own recognition into a world that surges and protects at once. Where holography is the study of human development. Of evolution. I believe my cats can see. And Clelboy, out in the woods with one Violin, scratched it to raise the clouds away, and keep the rain from ruining his hot summer day, alone, away, high up on a mountain top. He sat with his back to a stone, shaped like a chair, and peered over a cliff for hours, as birds soared down and targeting pin-points of space to fall to, knowingly and for fun.

Oh and in this watching, a scene was set for neutrality. Nothingness. For it to be filled. With.

"this is my sincere hope that you'll float. baby I love the way your skin hugs, a matter runs, with your sliver in silver of shivers and riverring. It's not such fancy word garbage, I mean it. The way you lift your finger. Well I see a ring fall. And that ring symbolizes, how we can never forget, and always remember, and always forget and never remember. That we are seriously in some way the same people who starve and shit in streets. Aren't we all kind? blind, stepping in the same time line?", said she. Whispered she into breath. But she was getting old and her lungs like heavy lead, and as she hoped, got lifted. Then put petal to the foot. Then realized her home was the ground beneath her feet, her soles. And 'er she goes... This is my sincere hope. That a rope will keep on being a rope. First the cotton, then the manilla, then the polyester. Each one, a Pattern Integrity.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

this post is about loving mutltiple people or species or materials at the same time (lifetime, timetime)

TomOrrow: I will finish my piece!

NURUPDATE2: Also what I've gathered is, love never just stops, maybe it flows, and the flow stops, but there is this like really long lasting drip. drop. drip. drop.
Alright also, people are fragile, and I'm vulnerable too, but we are all in different ways.

NURUPDATE: It does all work out! I am still trying! i didn't give up!

with all the ridicule thrown at you, and can you withstand these tomato stains?
I was preparing a piece to perform this month at the Trans Womyn Action Camp... it was supposed to be about bodies, anything to help people love their totally different and never bad bodies. Perhaps I can adjust the subject matter to include my feelings on loving multiple people at the same time.
I opened my head to it just recently in my life, in October, in September maybe.. but now, now that I have experienced "dating"(or whatever the kids call it these days) multiple people at the same time, I've come to the conclusion that it sucks and I never want to be involved in anything like that again. It seems simply like some sort of game to completely ignore one or more people, while assigning preference always to someone. This is and would be totally okay, if done with respect, but what is respect? And do any of us know how to give it? The idea is that you never suppress your feelings, yet release them through chosen mediums. Carefully. I guess. I'm just upset.. that the way I feel things could happen for me to be happy, are not.. And of course it never works like that. Happiness comes from inside. etc.

[tarsila wants to remind us here.. that none of these things are "hard" compared to situations like starving. i guess that is good to remember. but it doesnt make me feel less whatever. ]
okay. well but let me just continue. We are changing beings. Every moment is different. We seek some consistency. I seek some consistency. In the end, everything falls apart when you hold it. What was I trying to do? I was trying to be okay with everything.. I was trying to be honest. let flow. The changing waves are so quick. Time passes slowly for me. A month feels like a week. A year like a few months. My heart hurts and is heavy. Now every second, I am my mother too you know. I carry her heart in my heart. What was it? How did she get so sad? I've been trying to help her be happy my whole life, why is she depressed? Why can't she be happy with how much i love her? Or the sun? or the sky? Or the universe? Because she believes in those things, but they're never enough, and she seeks comfort, in things like houses. How can I compare her then? What is catching upon her? Is catching upon me, is when you come up to a rub, against the fabric of space-time, the grid, the thread-gill, little lungs like lines breathing. So yes as we stretch more and more lines to encounter. She must have had them all. What would she say? She would say, Nur, don't get yourself involved with anyone, because you're in school. But I am such a passionate lover.. not simply in the physical way. I want to care about people so hard, want to help them be happy.. yet, I supposes I am confused. I don't think you can help people be happy... I think it is hard enough to help yourself.
I loved a boy who is a girl. I loved a boy who is a boy. I loved a little girl in the sky on the clouds. I can't orient too many things at once. I wonder how hard it is for people who have trouble with sensory integration to think about multiple partners. Either way I am done with that. And it will be better and less messy, more wholesome, and safer. But I won't know what the future will be like, and as long as I continue to be passionate about what strikes me gorgeous.. go back to being old fashioned. go back for respecting someone on some ultimate level. I suppose that can include them seeing multiple people. I suppose that could include me seeing multiple people. But in the future I do not want to make that kind of choice separately, with secrets, and hiding things, and not bringing up preferences, so that some know and some do not know. I am just too much of a child to handle, seeing them whoever, myself maybe, on the floor side by side, next to a lover who doesn't know how to love. I too am irresponsible. But I am working very hard on removing habit from my brain. Jamyung reminded us that not only is meditation about concentrating on the breath, the flow, and letting thoughts come and go, but it can be about using your skills of analysis to make guided choices in life, also clear of stickiness to whatever degree you can. I suppose I feel too fragile to be involved in such highly evolved relationships. I would rather just become okay about letting myself be consensually affectionate with friends in a brotherly manner, and it not totally being something I add notion to. I would rather save myself from harm, and stretch myself in other directions. I do not know. I thought perhaps we were all moving towards poly-gones. But the fluidity goes in all directions. And I need respect. Acceptance. And mutual cooperative effort. Common ground. And most of all, no secrets, no hiding things. Because for some reason. i can read your mind with my laser eyes. I am not really kidding either.

I think I can see too much, and it is too much to handle. Until I can think a little less. Until I can de-focus, as well as focus, I cannot be bombarded by too much sensory stimuli. I cannot step into the fluorescent bulbed store bus home.
I step and it cracks from vision.
sarah told me sweet things about tree skin
the trees have eyes everywhere, but grounded, literally in the ground, they must be able to send it out. Claire said sweetly, she said
her legs do not release energy and that her mother is a conduit to send her energy back into the ground.
and a calm presses much like water
the weather dropped and the moon swelled, aside from our vision, in the sky, daytime
exceptional swells
delivering trembles, shaking the ground
windows like water
sky like light
cloud like earth
how much more space is earth, is there space for space on earth?
honor love respect plurality unity
lasers longer than rivers reaching far and wide even on the quantum scale
but especially stranding
i am no microbiologist.
know it all, try to.
glazed look over eyes speaks cataracts.
taking a cab home $11. I am tired.
But work is never over. It is relieving to appreciate the sky. Because it is around all the time.


In other news. There has been a lot of synchrony this week. Ellie told me I could possibly go to Nepal with her over winter. And Claire said on a globe, she spun, and landed her finger in Nepal, and said I will GO HERE no matter where it is. Thank you circle. For being a circle, and ending just where you started.

She spun gold fingers through the circle and webbed strands of long forgotten pieced paths
will you believe me when the time comes? As I raise my hands to the earth and the sky?
all i want is to be warm yellow light that passes over everything.
the fingers one over the other flicking with spin time over the circle sphere, wrapping tenderly using subtle tendencies, and tendons thundering.
a strike is a bolt of light
there is nothing broken
and string so strong it shrink wraps over any circle
any day
wash away
water water water
wash away
circle gather
wash away
circle shatter
wash away
lightening flutter
wash away
day breaks and day begs
oh, wash away

I will sing the sweetest sounds today. I sing every where I go. I will sing and the sounds come out, to represent my total recognition of the magnificence of this universe, the unconditonal love and freedom. we are all a representation of creation. represent represent. sing out low and loud and soft and sweetly whisper shout let it strang out yur throat. open wide the backwards swallow.
open wide swallow out, like a breathing bird.
his fine feathers sift white yellow, brown, as the seasons tinge his coat
and i stand as tall as a thimble, beside him.
we stand serving.
tall as a thimble or a leaf

I feel a greater purpose. Part of it, is to recognize the beauty and realness of emotions. So when you freak out, I can understand, been there before. But to also learn and cooperatively learn to take ourselves out of this kind of suffering.

when want and desire bleed out
i will arrange to marry myself to my soles
bump the heels click.
wax scultpure. rip.

i love you.
i love you so hard.
so there are positives and negatives to that.
but when you open your lungs, you are inside
circularly breathing, and the polarities, are simply a movement of energy


[hope fiend hope fiend hope fiend]

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Astrological Uranus
To live a full and satisfying life, you must be vividly yourself. Many of us are afraid to be different, and the pressure to conform can be stifling. But to live creatively is to find your own way, even if this means going against the grain. This urge to free-will and self-authorisation is Uranus, the planet of fierce independence. Surprise can be stimulating - the jab that gets you out of the rut. And if you want to ride the wave of chaos instead of being swallowed by it - if you want to liberate yourself from the disruptions and shocks around you - you must voluntarily keep out of the groove. Realise that change is the only constant phenomenon. In randomness is all potential. Disorder increases possibilties. Chance! Uranus is the reverse of the status quo and always unconventional and heretical: If life is accidental, we are free to give it any point we like. Become Yourself!

hand seeing eye

last night i stabbed my hand. in between the thumb and the index finger. it hurts to oppose my thumb. SamShine is my "seeing eye hand" today. he will follow me around and do things i can't do with my left hand. my right hand is fine. and that's swell. bec. i need to CARVE WAX!

now i wanted to worship some friends:
tash: is definitely some goddess, very similar to carolyn, strength that is beyond, and so humble, presented as simple loving kindness. but truly eminating, as sorts of reincarnations of hindu gods.
cassie: is like Ella: green goddess of the heart chakra. whose faces i see when i visualize beauty, in glowing green, their faces a look of comfort on me. confidence in the acceptance of your self.
maya: this is the human being who IS a god on earth. the most joyful person ive ever met

well green tara = greene terra
om tare tuttare ture soha

Monday, July 11, 2011

if all yet small


Clel and sarah found a fawn, saved a fawn. saved a fawn. nur brought milk and mel brought trust. found a fawn on the road. badly broken, head in circles.
nur felt fawn was herself on the road. badly broken legs too weak. sarah felt maternal instinct. found a fawn. found a fawn. sarah named her dory. clel cared bout the fibers close to her. mel gave hope. and sarah ran away. because nur intensely sought out the nipple bottle. scared her so. what was really underneath. what is the fawn thinking. it is monday and the fawn has prolly now been taken by people that know way more. know way more. know way more. nur was grateful sarah was understanding. clel was grateful that nur brought milk and care. we held her head we all held her head. she kicked and sarah and clel were brave enough to hold her. charlotte filled her with essences of homeopathy. arnica.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

i am in love+ it feels like the best shiver, a kind of love that needs no object=

i am in love with this wax
i am in love with this figure
i am in love with this form
i am in love with you
i am in love with angles
i am in love with a surface
i am in love with the smoothness and the roughness
i am in love with the crown
i am in love with the queen
i am in love with the universe
and every thing inside her-him-we

Saturday, July 9, 2011


petrified wood.petrified stone.
mixxed gloaming sun shine and my father's poem
a couple of people point to look at the sun for time
said it was 7 or 710pm just look at the sun
then why is the dojo still closed.
perhaps a mix of earth and accurate observation could get it down to the minute.

at the dojo they arrive on time
not a minute before or a minute after
all is clean and no one is around when it is 5 minutes before the beginning
is there such a thing as a cosmic minute? like a new york minute..
maybe next time i will say: well, when i ask for the time, the situation is usually dependent on the minutes

i have to go now, it is 30 seconds before 7
and the dojo will be opening for prayer

i will pray: pray for nothing. pray for something. pray for patience. pray for hot summer rain.
summer is always full of writing.
but summer was never so full of sitting.
before now.
on the ground,
now to a fawn...

saturday the 9th is a good day

sometimes i wish this blog wasnt something that popped up... that it wasnt public. i am an exhibiotonist. but i also dont want to make people uncomfortable.

i am


to mmeditate and respond without reacting


i have

gone to evry buddhist or aikido meeting i can this week

just came from a workshjop on relationships...

one major point was: shifting your mind from, "what do they need to do to make this better, or to treat me better, or to help themselevs." but rather, "how can i cnahenge to help them be happy, to help them with what they need." simply a mental shift from self-concern to other-concern. and this simple change can help with any form of relationship.

i want to help other be happy, by being less critical. holding no expectations of others. and seeign the beauty and lightenment of others' personal paths. i want to be happy simply for them existing whatever way they are existing. and i want to concentrate on their happiness, rather than my fear that their actions will somehow cause me to lose my self-identity, my good nature, etc. bec. that is all me.

I love you long layers

also i just want to remind people that Allah is not the Muslim god. It is the arabic word for God, simply a translation.

perhaps.. so many other gods are the same, in this manner, a logical one, where the illusion is a story, and the reality is logical, culture brings words and phillosophies, a translation.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Well It's officially 2004 and I'm writing on Live Journal, I suggest all those who follow me to Discontinue. The dregs have arrived.


hilarious metal men. who are soldiers. stomp through. lazer filled. heart sores. bending down. eyes come to graze the nape. of the neck.

mmm. damn that. is. good. or goo.
our goop. Argue.
it felt real good. neck against nape against neck against nape. splendid shoulders. splinted soldiers.
shins i hurd. this is not about not about the soldiers.

{SIGHbreathLE*SIGH pause shiver. and then head shakes it out. like a cat.}

there is some thing. it feels like strong memory. stuck in my heart like a dagger. like i didn't put it there. like its very small. verrrry microscopic. very small. so small it is actually. Quite Large. (and breathe for a minute here.... ..... ..... ...... .... .... ... ..... ................. ................................. ........ ........... )

and it moves at one end. the other end is stuck to this one part of my heart. now.

it is red. it is pink, it looks like the unusual polyp-y stuff that surround the walls of my vagina. which, albeit, normal, has never been seen shared. to my eyes... SINCE BIRTH! ah! yeah well as they say now these days uhuh alright they a'say they say that environment has an impact on your uh oh what're those called, yeah you're a, those genes uh'yours.

just the seeds of the tomato plant. how can one separate the tomato plant from the soil? even to make a point? for a seed.

well that derr one point right then and there. well that point was small. mhmm. Well, I can't say that separation from unity is the small spot I feel in my heart. i can't really say it is body-memory of a long forgotten trauma. I have no real witness to any of that. But it makes a nice metaphor. For whatever trauma/separation that it did come from.

And if it was me who shot the gun, or William S. Burroughs, or my father or mother, or society, the U.S., chemical plants, Joe Biden, or the next person I fall in love with way before they met me... then it was me who held the gun. then it was me who lifted it to my heart. And said, Here, If you're gonna shoot it, shoot it here. If you want, I'll even hold it for you.
(said she on a breeze flutter flutter flutter pretty lil butterfly fly flutter shy shy away from here. lay low sometimes. fly butter fly.) fly fly fly.

lyf lyf lyf.
fly fly fly.
lyf. lyf. lyf.

this is just an easy way to keep writing. keep writing pouring out the wax layers. I think eventually I'll see what it really looks like. not just how it feels.

what is it really? (did u know these are the thoughts in my head, the ones i say to no one. last i checked no one actually consistently reads this. i dont want to say this but these blogs arent really for any1 but the s'elf. i dont want to say this but i am going thru an extremely hard time. i am really unsure of everything. and afraid i'll hurt people. not physically. just by being so good and then being so bad. by being so happy and then so sad. can you perform a classic tragedy for just yourself.. without it catching on? I didn't want it to be This sad... I wrote in my book. It all started. Age 4 I was on the grass in my head in the sky on a cloud reading my book while it becoming created. I remember red blue yellow such happy colors. and i would ask god why why why why, himherme answering immediately into infinity. how as a child did i do? that? and what was it? [just a dream they say]
now slightly .. off. track))))

well. making stuff is great. i put my wax mold after elongating its body in the fridge to harden. i guess we're alla little weird. and i am breathing more slowly. welcome to a live performative writing of a VERY SMALL panic attack. whew glad that ones over. as soon as my asthma is better maybe i will stop drinking coffee in the morning.

here is what making stuff does to me. it solidifies the point. it takes out the dagger from my heart. like finding a missing part of your s'elf or your family, who DO wanna do the same things you do?

the end

the goal is not, not to never react, but over time to reduce your thinking and thinking and thinking time to 5 hours instead of 6. 5 to 6 to 4 to to 3 to 1 to 0 over the course of your entire lifetime.


i cannot explain just how fast things are changing for me. but i will do so here.

blood stone on my wrists smell soo good.

it is like: i am some dangly tetra-gon (tetra god?) terra gone. Oh she was born on the mountain in the midst of a lightening electric fire. we made the tests and she was fine.. a babe born of blood and stone, of light and sun, and moon and tree. 'cept out from her irises grown long and strangly red wires of moon dust, from southern new moon-exico.

Yeah. Okay it's like. Because I'm highly aware of my emotions... even if I'm pretty healthy and they get digested quickly.. I still know of them. I feel them BUMP in the DIGGS of my SOLES. Ah. Well he said I was inconsistent... I'm simply a highly concentrated person... complicated. Because math is so fucking cool.. I though we could make a shawl out of it together.. and that my skin. Thats why it is SOOOOOO soft. It's made of heart shaped hexagons and pentagons and my mother as a youth in Jordan the desert... putting yogurt on her soft white face. in the sun. the yogurt caked and cracked like dry mud. And protected her face from damage... it's like this. it's that.

okay . I can rap did you know? I onl;y have one rap written oh and this lil diddy..

sarah palin is frontin (x2)
freedom fighting is fronton (x2)
distant images of blood on the thumbs and

figuring out release and rejection injection of air spin
waves of a feather spin out functions
fractalian surface energy of essences
we take away the next breath of our friends and

sarah palin is frontin (x2)
freedom fighting is fronton (x2)
distant images of blood on the thumbs and

Thursday, July 7, 2011

and all the sarcasm falls like snow dust and moon grit

today is another beautiful day. i have been feeling very happy everyday. and accepting whatever happens. i have been working on not longing for things I do not have for a very long time. it is helpful to see my thoughts written out. there is a pattern integrity in everything and i revel at its marvels. today was the first day I woke up not on time for class. I have been able to wake myself up really early for the past 3 weeks, regardless of what time I went to bed, so this morning was a change. I noticed upon waking that I was sleepy, and egging on the morning, unlike previous morning where I jump stright out of bed. perhaps that is because I finally have my bed to myself. well, but lupita was there right in the crevice of my shoulder and my sternum. (lupita is a cat). I also noticed the weather was low pressure. this usally means I will be lower energy, but especially in the morning when y body is most susceptible to the weather, as I walk and eat and smile, as a sun child does, my energy grows. So. It is quite nice to have gotten that extra rest.
last night I hung out totally and completely with my new roommates milo and devon, we discovered we have a lot in common, like to talk about the scientific basis of energetic healing,we drank sake together. played music, they liked my singing. I want to be able to do more music, sing more, freely, without becoming embarassed, last night was good night for doin that. I think that. I am becoming totally aware of how beautiful and wonderful everything, how elegant this universe is. and as a gift, i get to appreciate people more. everyone is filling up in my eyes. like floating jewels, facets becoming clear as they turn for me, neither do i need to hold it up to see.

So yes. today is a new start to some temporary transition. yesterday I observed Aikido class, and will start taking it whenever I want! (month unlimited). The mere energy of that place (506 Columbia OLY) was amazing! I just felt totally okay with being different and myself, I came in with a book in my dress pocket. I smiled at the babies and they didn't seem to be trying to suppress their connection with me bec. I was a stranger. Oh. And this one girl with her mom, well i told them about the water balloon I found on t

he ground, and was keeping safe, until the little him-her dropped it, and it fell on her feet SQUISH. Cooled her down. Oh and her mom and I laughed and she

to be continued.....

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

day time glow

everything is so innocently beautiful. i really love the early morning light. right now i am writing as I am doing. i feel when i feel like this: just such an incredible amount of respect and honor for all life. the way the sun hits buildings. my drunk friends smash against the cafe window. i am alone. the barista. the weather sits by me. my heart is tender, as the early morning breath empties into the yet moist air. as a fog. as a mist under twilight red and pink eerie, and in its emptiness... form deluges. a love as spiked as soft as the glow from ah.. and the clouds pass over my mind. headless. horse. mon. ster,


so we ride train of thought poetry:

yesterday i was in a social situation i don't get into often. i was around people i perceived as having had more money than me. i did that thing I used to do, especially in highschool, where I hope they don't find out that i'm like, actually poor. i have homeless friends. and i am dirty. i can afford to buy $200 boots If I wanted though, or a plane ticket, I can give my mom more money than she ever makes.
i suppose part of it is jealousy. i know I'm not the kind of worker that gets a job saves money and buys a nice car. but i secretly want a nice car too. i loved my old volvo, but when she broke down that was it. what if my possessions could be more permanent? anyhow. it was like... well my friends from back home are pretty well off... but you know. what is the difference? and i think it is just my perspective. because when you already trust and are loyal to someone its easy to trust that their intentions are good no matter how they end up expressing themselves. but it takes time to know people. i am scared. tho. what if they find out im you know, really fucking humon. (uh.. like we all are Nur?)

and then i think of how nicely dressed people usually dont have random street kids come up to them. and whenever i dress nice its harder to make eye contact. i wanted to be what i am not. yes. sometimes i want to feel like i am no longer the poor girl in the class of rich white suburbanites who will grow to young adulthood and explain that I still have white privalege. NEW TOPIC
side note: my one friend who has no home, who iv'e connected to.... I'm really worried about her. I think she is on meth, but in denial. I think she's been repeatedly trying to hurt herself. and i want to know who is there for her. what social services can i get for her? and where could i bring her... I mean you all realize that being homeless is partially a choice? Maybe a choice for a good reason, but none the less, i can't help someone for themselves. i can't tell someone what to do. I just pray wish upon a star she gets better. Until i can try to figure out others who can help me. I don't wanna be like, your lifestyle is not healthy etc. Thats bullshit. I just wanna be like, I am really worried about you and maybe if we concentrated on you getting better.. i dunno. you know how some people just seem special. and now is covered up, but i can still tell she's special.

but thats one side. the other side is she has become needy. and even though is dear, only ask me to do things and change my plans for her. but knows i wont. i guess. i do too many things that cost money. doing things that cost money is a major separator it's like trying to go into a bar, with your under 21 friend, and having them wait outside.

pray for the ones young and in the world who need to become their own parents. help them find guidance, and help their guides and them find strength.

In other news, my ex boyfriend will be having a baby in september! I hope it goes well. I am glad I love them all dearly now.

Lets see... Sam Shine is maybe moving to olympia. he found out they have an aerial studio here. And he wants to mix his performance skills with mine.

This summer is all about self-worth and activity. Making stuff. Seeing things. Mountain love.

okay all SYSTEMS GO
if youre reading this I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST DAY EVER! and let go of stuff mmmm

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


First of all it was perfect perhaps for rainbow to be in Wa. First because the pacific northwest is naturally grounding. second because it still gets cold and wet here, especially at night. It feeds the soul to be uncomfortable.

Mish mash of young and old the cold and naked, the winded, the short of breathing, the fae, the faeiries!, the beloveds, the girls who get hit on by dudes and bras, the older men who give small girls like me full body massages where mostly just the butt is massaged, the flippant types who yell OI OI OI! who you call "OI!" who feed you hash chex mix and remember you in a soft and sweetly gentle manner, the rich hippies who revel in their privilege not aware of the struggle simply to avoid getting arrested for sitting down in public places by their equals. BUT AT RAINBOW. From some mechanism, reality, Babylon, melts through, and even though some rich some young some spoiled some poor princest, some wise young humonsters, came together. I think that is beautiful.

I think it's beautiful to be given the opportunity to both deny my discomfort around those of privilege, and my fear of being privileged around those with less, and smile, and say, I Love You, and pull back, and see just at any other level there are multiple levels running/ channels through your body, through your hearts, and into each other's fingertips. I feel the hearts beat at the tips of my bones.

I judge others so often. Good bad safe healthy, scary, creepy, sick, not well rested, beautiful eyes, beautiful hair, face face face, oh youre safe oh you won't hurt me, oh you don't judge me, oh you see the real me, oh you can feel my heart, oh you appreciate my childlike nature and help to let it come out, oh you're brave and i feel safe to never get pulled over, love cops, love lace, love long lines, not short ones. Skin like my brother... ONLY. Etc.

I suppose my point is that, I really just want to remove value from my thinking. But perhaps ideas have inherent value. Inherent claim to relation of the idea to other concepts, to other material and meta-material worth. Worth? I say, WORTHY. I know ALL IS WORTHY. ALL IS GRACE. And I only want to rub up against the corners that stick to pockets that stick to elbows, and help you remember not just where you were (RAINBOW-ORIGIN-CREATION-LIGHT-HARMONY), but also how you came out, and how you will come back in, To, CIRCLE.

So I am practicing tearing down my thoughts. In their words a scream of ignorance, about goat kids and feeble yuppies, In my words always battering the ones on the other side until i am left alone with no group to belong to. Only individuals whop love me, but who i cannot stay with for more than I few minutes. And at base, broad nose-ed and long fingered years of carved stone to make wrinkles on knuckles. I remember that I was all of them. Young old harmed hurt loved glorified, beloved, heckled, harassed, and both woman and man. And both non-entity, and entirely. And both, tree and humon(ster), both monster is golden and green, may scare young children like me, but IS me. Slave labor is abolished in the act of resisting submission. Burn baby burn that dollar. No matter how many lives are saved with the green meets the gold, I feel deep in me at least, to go towards and outside of the money lurching tree.

Burn baby burn baby. Burn all your thoughts. Let them go baby. Lemme see them, hold 'em up to light, with arm to angle and angle to sun.
Sun baby, burn my pride, and burn my ego. Sun darling take away the [pain of feeling like its needed to be whatever I am needed to be.]
I am dear to myself. I understand myself. I love msyelf. And from this strength lemme grow into something.... Like machine that spurns ideas into a blanket. It will keep me soft and warm, as a merging of past and future, of concept and denial of all conception.

Was it a baby burnt up in bread? the sun so soft to shed its skin. Can we burn to begin again?

I transit from yes to day. I turn from the past, to what I am in the right now. I am in or on an air chair, made of wood, we have half-turned to see forwards and backwards at the same time. And now am aware.

sun ion tense
intently hot to burn
thought off

It's okay to be burnt. Though you may like cold. I know. That without the sun you would die. And I am here to help you surge into a renewal of things lost ion the fire. And regain the ability to fly close to the sun, have no wax to melt, and no skin to crumb, for all is one. [clik click clik clik clik clap.]

So real stuff :

I guess I judge people pretty harshly. And I am always really sensitive to judgment. I think that's why when I meet someone that doesn't judge others, it's so intensely different. That, well. How could i not fall in love.

one photon at a time.

And I remember my dream. And I've collected some advice. And as we are evolving. Perhaps we all need a little help to get close to SunGods. Now small focus, now large, we undo the charge...
In my dream. All is real, and there is no non-consens reality. In my dreams. Family comes together, first through blood, then through trauma memories, then through culture, then through ever more sub-specific categorizations. And that is sorta how it is now. Under all these sub-categories, we can pick and choose who and what and where to love what is out there.

Well, first one must learn to focus when trying to integrate their senses. And oh Love must be full of sensory stimuli. So MUCH to handle. And I am not serious allll the time...


I am renewed with grounding desires to love my body more, and make my heart grow. And I've asked around, and even though I've been doing a pretty good job right about now. They said, Nur, you go even more. I believe them because I trust everyone. And I have been hurt, but not too badly.HOPE FIEND HOPE HOPE HOPE!
I want to look at you and see only the GREAT SPIRIT in action.
Like crow like father messaging flounder in the water, fork picks them out, and chooses purpose, sun dries food to save and start preserving, I dance in my bones, on the celular level, it has been shown... shhhhhhh. no fantasy.

we can BEND space and TIME.

as we are divine, and we were made divided to be the vine.
and as we grow we cover more air-ground. to include.
to mix id==ifferences. to make things that awaken our true blood. to be allowed to love. and Universe, oh Universe, help me stay above water. because it's the element I have most difficulty with.
For each seed from my heart, washed away, are 10,000 seeds from the birth of that one seed into your heart, the one I carry in my heart. Hands palms down picks up roots heart of palm string. Pull like feathered silk, and whipsering tendons.

this is how we plant the seeds, this is how we reap the fruit. push pull. ebb flow. lub dub lub dub.

I remove the dirt from my heart so i can see,
and you arise like a dream, forging to my metallic.
you are the one. called god. callled love. called partner. called friend.

we are white and black,
in the dark I can walk fast and see paths very well,
and you stumble
in the light I trip over and fly and make mistakes, then find joy,
and you tremble
at the beauty of being free.
well i say dark and death brightens me.
For I am light.

Just one more..

There is no value inherent in anything.
No dark better then light. And to experiences this. Just stay int he woods without a flash light. Dark may be scary, may be very open and vulnerable, but holds a wisdom, I seldom. Develop, under the moon.

Moon forms. Moons spurns. Moons weaves her-him string things all around, dream catchers, fall through trees, and lines form from marks of leaves, that the trees leave, in the air, when the moon glow )oh my moon child( energizes the air, needs to reach the ground. Forms ether. Forms the structure of love.

I love you like long layers of time repeated to perform the part of being love, once again, for you me, history.
I love you like dirt under my nails I can't get out. i let it lay. I love you with an itch to remember just exactly how we know each others. And another itch to forget.

The world is spinning and our heads still ringing. when the Sea Ate ALL men.

A wonder warrior emerged from the waters. and bled blue true. to add to pink and green reality.


A message from God. Said. I love you. And I know you're tired. So here is some presents.

[above: what hope looks like in my head]