sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

on the birth of destruction i burn your harried faces' emblem across my breast!
i carry your incessant ties to soil and root of earth and UProot them unto the sky!
and when each cell on earth lies down at night to slumber, to rest from the nakedness of day(aching), I will give them the delight of the bare dark sky and barely there opalescent little moons.
i mourn for you oh mother earth
oh ma ma me-uh oh ma my-uh.
ma ma mother maya me oh maya mama mother
delicate shards of glass i wear on my sky
lens of truth when wants truth to be splintered
lowerd lens of truthe
layered lowered longer lens of truth
laboring idly
sleeping wildly

Friday, April 23, 2010

my heart stretched out so fine the creases' powder
my wretched heart stretched
my heart so full and emptied, i begin to see clearly
out of the open wound i have been harboring flows
blood red anger
and the letting promotes growth
somehow and in some way that
i do not know
my flow and ebb slows to show
somekind of passion that
i do not know
my heart wretched and torn
many newborn
my heart in pain and drained
i am tired
fire favor
scabs and showmanship
a ripped jacket
a clip
from the endangered species channel
and now,
the extended version
of the kill
when i ripped out my own heart and hurt beyond
error error error
banking on some watery grave
to place that stone of a heart i birthed
stillborn and still born
alive in the most peculiar way
you say it's okay but how can i ever forget just how sad I am all the time and in all the ways tainting everything i love?
..and everythibng that loves me
barely there kind of bare
I am a bear a bird a spirit
they helped me last night
Was it them who i awoke to in spite of him?
God where are you? I prayed to you and I felt you but you were in-
how could you take me
with so fragile of a frame
What am I made of?
If it is of God then why is my structure so hard
as to remain in this same beating pattern of my heart
as to remain so bitter so strong so born and torn
why my heart
is only a rock
but i birthed him out
i shouted and tore him to pieces and lay him down, like God
with the vulnerability of a child I look on in amazement and wonder
my child is a stillborn, still born
my heart is stretched out to harden wider and longer
my throat is closed and open
my base is a trunk truncated and locked
i am lost no here but lost no here but barely there bare and-
Oh maybe I don't understand this...

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Can I still be a whore who loves her lovers with the deepest thoughts and palpitations known yet to her? No I guess not. Thanks a lot slyly conservative upbringing... WHO am i fighting against? Myself, myself, myself...

I've been matching all your faces to new ones. New voices are old again, familiar, though revised. I met a John Wagner and a Gabe, I've met people I know and will never know. They are just replacements for the comfort I seek within myself and the liberation I try to aim at every day. Like stuffed animal buddies.

Speaking of animals, Lupita had her kittens yesterday evening, 2 black, 2 black and white swirls, one completely white one. I think I'm crazy. That means 8 kittens now. Cats. The most I've ever had. Oh well. Cute furry animals are essential when you are in a phase of relationg to them mroeso than your human counterparts.

Mostly I'm tired of fighting. Every second of the day that I don't live alone seems like a chore. I get nervous just at the sight of someone I've met before. Really I should stop pretending I want to have friends so bad and do fun stuff like walking places and jumping on things. because this Nur here is slow calculated afraid and cautious. Strapped onto my own backpack, a box in a box in a box in a box. I've never been so socially confused worried and anxious. Half of the time it feels like I'm trapped, clautrophobic, And other times just like I'm getting to watch this very fabulous and interestion memoir I just caught on tv.

Hello Goodbye. Another try today?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

And the gods of greene spoke out before the council and declared their claim. The goverment fought hard and had shown numerous documents of children who were born with the mark of Nur on their foreskins. But alas, her peoples could only but refute these claims. Finally, they pulled their little hands out of their masionic robes and spoke, "We but only can spare $1023 for the Greene."

And so it was done. And so it shall be. Nur holds in her pocket one thousand and twenty-three.

Dollars that is.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TAX REFUND DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

One thing I did wrong today, I expected that the feelings I had this morning were indeed able to be understood and figured out. If only I left well-enough alone. Now, in trying to leave well enough alone, I am left alone. Shook it out of my head...

This is my second day of school at College: Round 3 and if I succeed I'lkl get to move onto Round 4 .

Friday, April 2, 2010

Gender Issues

I seem to have a predisposition towards holding women up to such high regards that when they live outside those pedestal laden oxes I set them on, I simply push them off and create obsessive compulsive avoidances around them and shut them out of my life.
people I like and people I love. people i don't even know

cause my brain says LOVE and my heart hurts, all the time. It's dis-abled

Do any of you have any gender issues?