maybe you aren't

maybe you aren't aaron. maybe aaron wasn't evil. maybe you're still Love if they cover you in Monster. maybe your charisma isn't for the poor pose of manipulation. maybe you aren't laughing at me right now michael. maybe the general theme really isn't that i'm a sucker for being opened and raped. maybe you weren't actually that sexual. maybe i don't have to be so defensive. but what it wrought-ly certain of- the difference in realities- causing rippage- but mostly.
you don't notice me. (but mostly)
you clearly don't care about me. (even as)
a person I
lay bleeding from
an old wound
you pass by colloquilly
like a summer blockbuster
in a few weeks your ratings go down
after new things come along
and this IS the definition of FORGOTTEN

because the child is learning to see beyond instant gratification of even a long drawn out complicated dream
because.. it's okay to be enthusiastic.

There are always more blockbuster hollywood renditions of reality to pass up more assuredly than ever before
in the
future of
a disenchanted youth
rising
and drenching themselves in gold liquid moist

death to the um

death to all this waiting / this disintegrating / i'm trying my escape plan on the back doors stairs/ death to this patience the alleviation of degradation/i'm faDING worn like an old shoe / now trying to keep from turning blue / i'm looking at you / and faking at you / and making noises at you / and breathing dust pwder from grieve-city / for you / alone in my basment / cold hearted, bathing / bleeding this death out and this patent mountain / frowning and the death rises like a poison fountain / cloud  cloud mad mad cloud red bad grey WIND.
housed in the cell CELL CELL CELL hell worth of a self hOLE. wayward of the middle beginning this inning out AT BATT YOUR ass on the dance floor in the flames till death do you Part in all your ways / and decay / to DEcline /the time / to find / and any line is a ladder / i'm so tired of getting fatter // sitting on my ass and getting madder / eating cheesy slander out of the packaging I die this death to this mound under / pancake batter boxes and popcorn dreams.. / / pancake butter boxes and rancid chemicals... to be THIS GOOD AT DEPRESSION// musstinmg around all beautiful till the bode ya wear is all beautiful; till the bud you grow is all beautiful till the breath that bursts is un-bleed-able / unbelievable this dream I wait for/ in my cellar cold / waiting for my prince to come / as death to death to death enters on / dissipates and I call it allergies / these malladies instuct my skelatol adversity / please/ honey

Okay to be me

No one

Somewhere out there one who wanders is not lost in me and I in them
And us a'wandering who are lost will be were was found

neon mind

my heart, it jumps out, like a hole, in a tube, of glass, with a tesla coil
my heart, it jumps out, like gas, too warm, and its molecules, too excited
my heart, it leaps out of the space time continuum
and in that void
i reach my limbs and thumbs
to draw out, the light, the lines, the spark BY GUM GOLLY GEEE

Little sense doves' cries enter eternal play time
plateauing into
laughter

OT HER

I'm so lonely and I want a person partner love so badly more than I ever have in my entire life and it is so confusing possibly distracting, I just feel sad that none of the people I've met ever worked out and just want someone to cuddle with and feel safety in touch,  I am sad that this seems so unattainable.  I am sad that the people I'm attracted to end up being so cruel to me. I feel like so much the winter of '05 when I was so lonely I agreed to things I didn't really want to to feel physical intimacy. I feel frustrated that no one in this town matches me and frustrated that even tho I try to become close to people I don't know how to anymore it seems. I really should shut myself down and also stop spending money. Heh. :p


my response to the person who wrote this, Wed. 12:13pm, Nur Greene:
i'm so
paisley drawers hanging all out and the silky vintage shirt's cord ever so touching the hard wood
lonely you see i uh
am human
am being
want a uh
wane that wanton want look in your eyes
and wade...
partner is me. so much more badly. than ever.
so possibly distracting me, me, me, me, me- OTHER.
is so confusing
feel none
touch none
so much like


death.


is it all? yeah but also, breath,



cuddle well, cuddle before, well, how do you feel? touch touch touch touch makes no sense

to feel the hard wood, town match, frustrate fires a.. a uh... glass tube lit up neon greene
kid.
to be so
really should
open up
to the
wind oh
my brains' hairs finely tuned to the ether cords
sense o' sensor
meta-prismic-light filter

and all makes sense if it glows
if it glows

Try hard oh child. Never give up. I love you. Good morning.

Neon sketch

Com'ere, fetch.

I feel alive and well today, depression at night fades into gas that easily dissipates with the bright wind crunklin' in crunchy paper glass, babe. A name from a previous love we never had & never want to.

This is coming back from camp rave

When I was ten tthey left me in the car alone

Beauty

Until every thing and every one naturally appears beautiful to you, then you will know you see clearly.  -NUrUN Iverse

FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION

i figured so much out today, i kept trying and didn't give up, and I am so happy i didn't.

some things I figured out are that I don't need to feel guilty or that I am being judgmental for noticing things i do not like in others. it's okay for me to be me and them to be them.
this really loosens things up. and allows me to be friends with potential lovers who i do not want to be romantically involved with.


1. paper letters to passt lovers saying what hurt me
2. praying ALL THE TIME in the most positive manner, what i truly want


So yeah, Confidence. Is so majorly important.

Also i mean my first real person i know in life (other than my elderly grandmother) DIED just 7 months ago, not even, and he was this major figure in my life from age 18 until age 21, I deserve time to freak out over our relationship/my relationships thereafter. I deserve time to mourn. He deserves patience and understanding.



Remember beneath the layers of any monster is the pure pump of a beating love..

Not frustrated just observational

I said I'll clean up early
She said you have 30 mor minutes of class
I didn't say I'd clean up completely and I didn't say I'd stop working

Not a puzzle, simple logic

PuRple perception

No ugly
All beautiful
There is nothing that looks ugly
There is no thing ugly

Now, this questions ourselves, is there a thing that is negative?  Is the gap between presence and aesthetics wide?
Answer me this o friend.

Is there any thing too much of some thing?
Isn't ever-ry-thing made of Love?