sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Thursday, February 28, 2013

post apocalyptic world


fascist gets fucked

micro- fascia

lang wage

my tongue

heal from trauma

wrapp this fear round yer neck to choke


and carb

exhale smoke

not so dirty

like a piece of dirt

gets pushed
or punched out

Talk to em about silence
zipper them lips tight

all this mechanical metaphor
frightens me
so i hide under the covers
sleep like a cat


as if we were all.
forgotton trauma.
back in the day.

It's as if we can feel all our old bones underground.
and Fossil is Me.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

so human

so dirty
actions untold
burst of pain/joy
burst of EXPLODE
arm your arm with BANGLES
raise to the roof yer cries
howl wolf moon dog

okay okay alright alright

backwards time travel

frontwards spin

stop to pick a penny
stop to shove yer prick back in
let's be ladies here.
i'm not a good fellow.

one hand
left hand
i see the flaw in everything
but myself
other hand
right hand
self-righteous hand


pyramid prayer
for a wind spoken rythm,

love in layers
all shall be forgiven.

no one will distract me

no one will distract me
the irs can't find me
the clowns won't eat me
i sleep in darkest purple velvet dreams
veils on veils over veils

my heart hurts so much today. inside out man. excavated the indigenous roots years ago. tore my flesh apart.
the heart for me, is a reflection of my lungs, and my breathing. not really a reflection of "romantic love". but certainly a reflection of love (unconditional, universal, self-reflexive). I really hate so many people. I try not to. But sometimes I wish people would just cause harm to themselves compulsively. This. In turn. Is. Redirected to Me. So it is NOt. The hated that. Hate themselves. Or I. Who hates them. But what Happens. IS. THAT. I end up hating some part of myself that is reflected in the others' behavior. It hurts. Feels like a pain in my chest. But I cut the cord, then exposed the root to sunlight, tonight I will put it back in the earth.

Nasrah (Nazareth) said she would bring people back from the dead. The way I feel about the Pacific Northwest is that many of its natives and those who have adopted its culture have become the walking dead. As Nasrah's chariot, I would like to bring them back from the dead. 

I am going to systematically expose all secrets in this town.
I'm not gonna let you all hide. I'm not gonna let you keep things from your loved ones. I'm not going to watch while we move and shake around our personal lives. Privacy does not equate to lies and secrecy. They cause stress. Privacy usually causes relaxation, that is how you can tell the difference.
I will uproot each and every lie and this town. I will expose all your secrets.

And how?

Not with speech or telling truths. Not with gossip.
I will not spread rumors. I will not expose things people have told me to hide.

I will cause them to not be able to hide. I will make it so they expose themselves.
It is the only way.

For their own sake.
The shield must come off.
Exoskeltons at the door.

Cut open yer skin.
Lay yer bones out with pride.
Not the kind that jimmies the locks after festering inside.
Fuck your face,
Fuck your name,
Fuck your skin,
Fuck your brains.
Fuck them until they all come out and writhe in the dirt fer their own good.

breathe air. get darkness. but not stuck and winding still.

Monday, February 25, 2013

i have so far to go

and so much to learn
as the coffee acids
and think: green

juice my nerves
separate the photo
cell u loser

what a mental weave

Saturday, February 23, 2013

save it for marriage

razor sharp pine needles
do not allude
rather salute to yr shorts

like the wind they scrape

when walking in high priestess garb
one shakes their persona away
and in tendrils of blade cuts into bald flesh


shake it off
like so many stems formed the duff
shake my hands
shake my teeth
i terribly ache to cry a river
and a survivor.
we are all survivors.

victim? vision?
martyr? matter?
will this mother
suck this child
there is no father.

only mother. only female.
only air and water.
earth fire wind music
all mother.
all matter.
all mouth 

i wear my grandmother's shawl
but it dont mean
i will forget
some illusion
of trauma.

some memory in the 97% of DNA

that i don't fucking remember-

a ghost.
some call goblin.

in this world.
in the car.
across the street.
i have no message
i pull down my pants.
grin at yr face.
and forget when i was in yr place.
did we call it rape then?
all the fancy words and wisdoms can't explain
the sick feeling of being everyone.
every zipper pulled down.
every finger.
every confusion.
is this good for me?
no, is this good fer us?

you can't rememeber this heart torn thrown trashed

slimy pulling waving goodbye
always leaving
i hold it here in these words to scream
i elongate its tongue to gather
sound makes music makes the matter makes the motion.

are you done cutting my hair so long?
i grew blood uynderneath my toenails

what now
in the backseat
i am you
this date.
has passed.
a thousand times.

how can i see you?
when my bones have so many times been roman.

when my bones have so many times been christ and the fall.

and the fakers.

bones made from form.

how can i call a poet
i call a poet
one who is dis-eased
with not speaking
with blind language

on this day
wizards woven by wounds and wind
i dont care how much you love me
if i trip on yr
i may spell out these tongues
and rub them on the backyard concrete
until they show signs of use
of ab- use

on my self
on my personal hell
which i so willingly attempted to
ransom yr body
with mine.

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

this year's predictions 2013

1. you must sacrifice something for something unknown of greater value
2. i must find a way of providing myself with solitude
3. you will find love

"going round and round"

I dunno, is sex the cycle? Seems to me if one were to pin-point the place that we get stuck round spinnin'.. It WOULD be the physical/biological/sexual process of reproduction.
[cycle=eye=point, where [equals]=[proportionately to / alpha]

re- duction- duction duction-
pro- duction- duction-
in- duction duction-
in-  tro-   duction-  duction-
re-  pro-   duction- duction- duction-
con- duction- duction- duction-
de- duction-  duction-
se- duction-    duction-     duction-      duction-       duction-

"A duction is an eye movement involving only one eye"

seduce|   always with women as objects (1769).
to persuade a vassal to desert their allegiance (1520s)..  to God?
to lead + away (Latin).
to corrupt
to draw away
to remove
from se- to sub-
to lead + from under
to su-
 is a good conductor jesus?
is a good conductor a good leader?
to duct
to duke
the eye balls
on the path
to lead, to pull, to drag

i'm sorry for my infraduction
in the movement of a single point-pupil
depression is the under-curve that the over-curve will be going to have been
in its later years
as an elder
i'm not so sorry
and what is confession? if i am to be in sorrow...
i am not to be in  sorrow
with god shouldn't one give up sorrow?
if i could confess my sins
i'd wring them together with string and slip dem under the door
to jesus
who i had been thinking
loved me regardless
and how many knots? rings? ties? strings?
as many as the garment wrings
around their neck
their neck
their neck hole.
empty black

this is my language
squak squak squak
river runs fever in me
cry squak cry caw
it just so happens i am a christian.
i am a christian death goddess.

hi? hello? how are you? hey it's me Nur. I am sitting in the bakery down the street. I have problems with Fear. Sometimes I am afraid to fall asleep or dream. Sometimes I am afraid to go home. Where do I live? Where shall I go? What do I hold on to?
non servium. godkiller.
i ran away... oh no i didn't where do i want to go?
what do i want to do?
i do not. want. to keep. moving.

that is only one thing I know.


Monday, February 18, 2013

a thought from childhood
that i could never understand the complexity of life but i could still know it inside myself,  but i would never with my human brain be able to comprehend, but i could have faith that i did understand
i could intuit and trust in my self

middle of the night asthma attack oh! what! to! do!

emergency preparedness:

tonight's remedy:
hot water w/ ground cayenne & black pepper, turmeric, and black tea

Not a sustainable solution to Asthma, but when you are always on the edge, ready to be attained at the hospital. back tea or coffee is a good substitute (stimulants). cayenne works well to replace inhalers. garlic, raw onions too.. the black pepper is milder than that. the turmeric makes me feel good it stimulates the nerves and the circulation system, on the slight level. I don't steep the tea too long. I am careful that day to eat foods that very safely do not bother my stomach. what will bother the stomach will bother the liver will aggravate the asthma. i begin to see my whole body as 'inflamed'.
i see it in my eyes as they are puffy tonight.
i begin to adventure towards a remedy for the inflammation on the whole body.
i know always there is one solution: water! and i try to reason to myself to get the alkaline kind
i think to myself: I bet the mucus is a big part of the self-repeating cycle.. maybe it goes a little something like this:
less mucus
less irritants
cannot control body's reaction to being irritated

inflammation sign of dehydration
feel the dryness of your face.

after much expectorating (pick your favorite!)

a tiny voice cries out, "PLEASE DRINK WATER."

Sunday, February 17, 2013


blinking blue light special
on the platter next to supposedly frozen turkey dinner.
forgiveness special
forgiveness on a platter to santa
forgiveness machine
forgiveness on a conveyor belt fer yr wishlist
mechanical forgiveness arm, arms youth with martyrdom
not like the anger police
policing sin with grief
planted square ly legs and gruff
how far yer beard grow is it enough enough

melody singes through at me
is an ey?> is it an eye>?
towards discovery rings
the mounds that the palms of yr flesh to dig into my knees
the prawns of the depth of a palm
into a knee
singes at me
hair burns smell warns
of a sea-so n of things
that melt in the summer time along with an egg fried
on concrete
and things
stuff that is inclined in your mind
to become the fashioning of things
metallic and things and stuff and
god you are blind now
jesus are you kinder now?
fusion has a milder tone
to fascist single binded bones
to wander away when they grew older
made a former life their former
in the eye it burns and sings when its tired and torn
and turning like a wind-up bird
forming the fusion-lid
to expire when it is ro
to expire when it's forGOT
and x minus fashion
performing a faction
of some sort of function
to transfer the dramanation
and figures just fall
ache my bacon that's all
aint my baby, thats all.
the ball.
is done.
and over.
gown is ghastly.
hands are dry.



and sadness passes
drooping cheeks
and sadness is glad to devise a
in squares
sliced in air
time not an affair not a bellow
not a bellow
big and smelly
big and yell


do you kno its a dream maybe a scheme a dream a scream
a thing with twine you write out in strings and lines
the devils sings
you singe your fingers
you knowww

you knoww
you notice
my wrinkless

expire the semen clouds your vision you believe in it blind'y
old blind mice youre finding
never an edge minded by an ounce of forgiveeeenesss
jesus machine
jesus machine
forgiveness machine falls asleep.

Friday, February 15, 2013


Julie stop smacking yourself! 
Her brain woke up. 
Julie stop drooling all over your collar! 
Jenny January Jewels genderly slips her finger from the corner to the roof of her mouth to the corner and underneath the side of her cheek. She feels the   wet   on the pillow and prays that sunlight made her smarter as she lifts her head from the soft crescent of two pillows converging.... Then squints on the light coming from the tele-strings of shine off the orb, and prays that she can be just like the others. If perhaps this world were more concerned with helping everyone feel better, truly better, more belonging, happier, smarter, well-fed, loved, cared for... Then maybe January wouldn't remove a small patch of skin daily to remind her that she can feel pain. A small patch of graph paper cut into a square glued over her arm. a MORNING OF ESCAPE IN WHICH THE SUNLIGHT MIXES WHITE WITH THE BLED CURTAINS AND THE SHEETS AND THE HEROIN AND EVERYTHING WAS WHITE WHITE WHITE WHITE. A small patch of skin daily. A small patch of grass removed on the lawn. Her eyes diverted. Here nor There.

She smacks herself on the cheek! Jimmy says you gotta write every day!
Jimmy says you gotta get out of bed, 
and she throws the covers off, hits a cat, catches the curtain  and in one feverish swiff of a loop brings open the whole window, DAYLIGHT.
godamnnit Jimmy says I have to write every day and it doesn't matter what does come out. oh the most terrible garble, you just write it down and soon enough.. You're a prince! or an Ass! Or the ass of the prince or the prince of an ass.. Well.....  I've got ideas! Wanna hear 'em Jules?

a girl walking down the street in a wandering path! and she's really cute and her hair is in buns and she's wearing a pink jumpsuit. Right when you think she's about to not notice you forever she turns around and smiles a thousand gems of rainbows in your teeth!

Umm... Um.... Um.

I wanna find the golden pathway place thing and times oh the time...

"Are you ready for the day?"
"No.. Not yet. I just woke up and I had the most confusing warm warm dreams."
"..Mom?" [she's confused it doesn't sound like her Mom's voice anymore...]
"It's me."
"yeah. I'm the you who's recovered from your childhood traumas."
"How'd I get around to doing that? Life just seems so busy like it won't ever stop. And I'm scared i can't catch up if i were to let go."
"well. I'm the you that let yourself go. I'm the you, I mean, the reason I sound like your mom, is because in a way I am your Mom..."
"One Love Mom."
"I loved you. I loved you. i took care of you. I took the time out for you. So we could grow together. How long did you want to be so dis- dis- dis- ids.. disJOINTED?"
"M...mmm... Are you getting mad at me?"
"No.. no. Just passionate."
"So you're a me that did something different in the past?"
"I'm the you that is generated whenever you take care of yourself. Mom."
"So what?"
"Even though sometimes you may hurt yourself. Even though sometimes you are struggling to feel joyful joy joy joy happiness, even though you may rather be unconscious and not breathing while strange techno music is playing over your deathly body while some douche feels you up whilst glitter in your eyes as he mistakes you for a model but later realizes you are as ugly as tar, as the sin that large breasts create when folks DO cocaine in their SUVs in the parking lot.......Even though a thousand times you lay over-draft on the sidewalk at two in the morning. For every single infinitesimal moment you choose to love yourself. lay down your criticism. Pray to yourself. believe you exist... I exist. 
I represent that you that doesn't leave anyone behind and cuts everyone slack."
"The Me that sings lullabies at night so the monsters will go away..."

"Where do i go to grow up?"

"Dear Jules. The sad thing is you ARE grown up. You always have been."
"Have I always been 26 years old? AND this confused wandering around and running away, smacking my ass, and psycho analyzing the myriad of micro-expressions that are revealed when my mind can't Stop THINKING ABOUT BLEEDING GUTS.. bleeding emotions. bleeding fair weather.pull on my hair! I'M SICK.."
"You are the 26 year old fairy queen the 4 year old fairy queen. You sprite. You hard-laced woman. You small child. You boy of Green. You tree. You little vole. You cat who eats the vole. You rumble-rambler who digs their soles into the dirt and kicks up dust..."
"Me?.. Me? Me girl who drools (bones...).. Me person who is so small I become invisible. me person who shakes when her housemates make small and poking conversation. i feel like my whole face face face face world is melting and everyone could notice if I even for a millisecond stopped holding SPACE and TIME I bleed needles that keep me connected to you and everyone but also far enough away to hurt my own skin and.. JESUS."

"let me go. Where did you come from Where are you. Go away. It's really early. I gotta go downtown . i can't breathe. I need coffee. Let go. I have a bike now."


Friday, February 8, 2013

not wanting to make mistakes

now on SOYMILK:
reports are Out. Soymilk is hard to digest, inhibits production of major minerals, enzymes, and causes an imbalance to your endocrine system (phyto-estrogens). Okay so now what? What do I do? because my health research shows that milk has many contradictions to my health as well.. When I think about soy I have a line of thinking to help me process the decision to ingest it:
Is it fermented or sprouted?   [if YES, then I'll eat it!][NO?  --- hmmm...]
How does my stomach feel? Did I eat today? Do I feel stable? Do I feel like I already digested well today? [is YES then I might eat/drink soy.. but not in large quanities...]
In general though, pick rice milk, almond milk, hemp over Soy.

but what about the feminizing effects of soy?
Yeah. I totally wish my boobs were biggers... WHY? because I want to be seen as an adult. Basically.

as a tiny person mostly youre treated like a child
but when exhibit physical qualites strongly associtaed with fertility or adulthood, that changes.
try it. out.

 [nur: i am so scared. i am so scared of myself inside. i feel the curves of my skin referencing to the inner me. the one the old man told me to stop thinking about. and the inner person the inner bones. they writhe. i don't know if i like them . i am far away from my homeland. i miss something that never will have existed.]

yeah. there's reallyno way of hiding how much eye there is in me.

talking to a man at the san francsico street bakery 2-8-2013

"it's the collective experience.. you come together to create another being greater than yourself.. you can't do that if you're holding on to Me! Me!"

"you're never gonna figure yourself out! why would you want to?"

[nur: I feel like I get alone better with those over the age of 65. except they won't believe me when I tell them it's all possible. Well, they do and they don't. Mostly, they do, but they've learned the circle so much. Am I just a fool? Damn right I am.]

old people seem to be so sure that there is nothing to be sure of.