comprehend fearies: death joy

death to the game less the painless
death to the absorbent and blameless

death to the hopeful the joyful
the dopey
death to the um.
death to the om.
death to the poem the truth the poem the omen
not wrritten the painless
death to the  virgin white  aimless
death to the patient

death to the um to the um to the ummmm
death to the um..



audio: death to the um

im done

im done im done im done im done




im done
im done
im done
im done
im done
 



im done




i'm done submitting myself to become well-liked

i'm done presenting and sharing myself.

i don't want to share life.


i don't want to want anyone.



i'm done putting so much energy into interaction
with people/things/clouds
who seem to not be putting that back in

ask me who i am
and what i am

making small talk
shooting the shit
is for shitters
alone in the toilet

i want to know eveyrthing about you.
but until i feel comfortable doing that.
until i won't be made to feel like you're in the zoo
and i'm looking in

until you reap what the gemini can do

i'm gonna go about my own business
see ya.

edit the small parts

there are just some things I need to write down
1. about getting older and bullshit ideas of maturity
2. i am in a transition, ya'll should be lucky to witness me in this stage
3. i am seeking love, but realizing that i can't connect with people necessarily based on shared interests... basically that what i seek in others IS NOT THERE and ... I find most of my romantic endeavors to leave me feeling empty in a way unlike the experience I have with my friends
4. i am sad about not seeing my mom
5. the exact feeling of emptiness I had after taking a bath today - & especially commenting on the lack of emotional expression i experience with others, but that I require so much I feel bad for keeping such a standard


For example, working our way up.
[i am not entirely and angry critical person, just sayin']
I had a legitimately good time with someone over a video chat today. What I did not expect was the feeling of being disappointed I felt at the end, eeriely similar to the feeling of something you're attached to ending.. but not so simple. Not even sure if that is what it was. It definitely felt, "negative",
but did not negatively affect me rather it saddened me to my inner feelings.. Which I think go something like this, "I am a scared and hurt deer lost in the woods seeking out intense emotional experiences."
It may be that I seek these out in sexual and pseudo-sexual experiences, when in actuality, I wish I could express this INTENSE I NEED YOU FACE all over my body.
I curled in a ball and cuddled up to Shaylyn, my face close to my knees, and the back of my head against her forehead. I closed my eyes and just felt my emotions in the darkness of the back of my eyelids.
I feel so oddly unemotional these days, like I tucked myself away so small, and now, not wanting to be tucked, I can barely feel the emotional witch. She is tired and lonely, I seek comfort in others, while she waits by my bedside in the lines of the floor boards, in the lines of my hair, reaching out a hand, some fingers, hoping to catch a flint of string, my face  -  my eye lashes   - my arm,  like a cat that loves you and wants attention. One arm out to claw gently.

I just cut my bangs real short. Just tonight. It'll take at least a week for it to grow in better.

Sex is not a pulley system! Sex is not to be injected! Sex can't be this way anymore. I want to fix it. Sex is about feeling someone and diving into them like they are the sea and us all, the night time swimmers, sacrificing our lives for this swim. For this night. For this warmth.. or else our bones will break and we will die of hyper-thermia.

Every mistake is a riddle.

Is it funny when we get it wrong?

I can't find anyone to have sex with. I can't find anyone that can see my telepathic speech.
I make movements with my eyes oh-so-consciously. I love the wind and how it pulls on my hair.
Where are you wind? Where is your favor? Come my way. Come play with me. I'd like to toss my body on you. Whoever you are. IT IS TO BE CREATED OUT OF DUST, NOT GIVEN BLINDLY
These pangs of destiny can only wait an eternity. Can't wait hardly any longer.
I'm not well yet. I'm not perfect yet. But I am stable and beautiful and learning to give and not give pain.
But two bottoms does not a top make..

Either way. I will most definitely fall in love on a weekly basis. I will most likely try my hardest  to know you.

FOUR mom style FOUR

my mom is like
well im like
jesus like
blood red like
martyr victim type
and i bleed for her
in her womb i bleed for her
and we love each other
but at night my heart fears
the yelling and insults
the crass stern judgment
but i know
we can all learn again
the wind will carry our spores
and all i wish was I could see her sometimes.
on my way home, back from work.

I love you Mom. I cry in my heart to receive your emotional intimacy once more.

HMMM.

HMMMMMM.

Yeah okay last Topic.
We'll start like this.
I stole the surgical lubricant the doctor used on me. He really didn't need to stick 2 fingers in me. Fingers like vaginas come in various sizes. And his were too wide for two in my small and wrapping hole. That is why i stole the mostly used lube. It is sitting in the drawer of my nightstand, unused.

I am growing up and didn't know it was possible. I still get confused for being 17 years old and I am almost 27.

What that feels like, is. It feels like noticing the natural Laws of the Universe.
I am realizing the consequences of my actions, and the stretch of time.
Also becoming highyl aware of how we can hurt our bodies and remove ourselves from earth-reality.
Just like over-using the interwebs does. A drug.

There is mostly nothing more to say to this one hand slapping fer no one.

You are a beautiful machine.
Your arms around me and tenderness
that cracked when we fell
and traded sex in for
a cup of coffee at a nearby cafe
or watching a good movie...

on the couch

or...

rubbing our bodies against each other while hooked up to an oscillator..

or....

All I wanted when I said, "I'm wet", was to look into your eyes.
Even if you were just a digitalized face on a screen.
And all I wanted when you implored that two kinky kids needed to get together, was to hold you against my breast like a child.
And for every time I've been penetrated. I just wanted to devour you while you devoured me and get lost.

For every time I reveal my vulnerability I do so in the hopes that someone will notice just how beautiful it is to be warm and wrapped in fleshy bones. Or how worthy it is to just be in the same /even mental/ space.
Or how much I must care about you to even look upon you with some value.
Because even though you are endless. I love you, me Nur, me, your personal Nur, loves and honors you and wants that to mean something more than a, let's be honest, mediocre fuck. Because oh like I stated above, I am extremely but not entirely critical of others.

And I have intensely high standards.

expected

do you just asssociate
with kinda more emotional than cuddling

can you spare
can it be honest

how to guide

how to impress someone
always like what they say
make sure to ignore them sometimes

meh

no one said it was going to be easy.


eye is scared as a dandy-lion
eyes down
there
feet with toes
sleep follows

when it was young
heaped up the sky
now dragged down by the cuff off 'er skirt

it's not gonna matter
love in locks and virus

when the heart shivers
the crown shakes
the quakers shake
at night
just one more
blood ceremony river cry me one of dem
quicksilver unicorns

ain't a clown
but to follow
a feather

is my brain destroyed?
i'm above normal and below water


slimy hands
and cover yer face with white shame
and black shame
and blood red shame

where is the spindle and the river to cut 'er into shape

?

oh doctor

would i wish the privilege of form'd lips
form'd jaw
form'd tiger eyes


in my mirror's image
all i do is shake my hands at the ground and crawl back into bed
and wake up
and put on the best cup of morning coffee

one should get eggs on their way to work
thrown at them
what a great excuse to be flustered then

in my cake hazard of a memory

when did? because i wish? you could (but not eye)
go back in time and see thricely
that the dream heap deferred did not indeed rot
was sent hiding
a refugee
a mother
just like an other mother/summer

who never did take a break

or let a few rotten eggs loose to cook on this hot concrete

the hot concrete who craves to be stuffed
with love
and cock

and all day dreams of lying on the ground with 'er hands palm down
divination-free

a crystal emanating all light and healing.
and nothin' doin
but it.
with the earth

audio: with this earth

hilo

what does it mean?
you can say or not say anything outloud
if it's okay with you... i may not be the same person from one minute to the next
but i can focus and be the same person right now


i don't know if i can establish any real relation with anyone. i feel really tossed up inside and now this blog will become private a whol year's earnings for my whole belly
which falls and slumps in sadness

i dont write when i am happpy or confused because I am busy being happy or confused
im supposed to write every day but i lose all the pen and paper



i think i hurt someone's feelings a lot
but they cover their feelings underneath a leather vest that is hard you cannot feel their bones
i am maybe making more of this than i need to
i am useless
insiognifican t crab lady

i am not a crab
i ambad lady
black hole lack hole lady
from afar


please. i only want to be unknown known unknown lack of empathy lady
please. i only want to run away.
i only want to run away.
and i have no where to go.

i have no where to go.
i stink in my filth
which i decorate with pretty colors lights and cats

i just want to be cut open while moving on the lawn
i took the vorpal blade in hand one two one two and through and through
i cut myself in half
lay digging on the sand for the structural integration
of a brain left yellowed by the sun
and bleached
and burned

by urine.

when i scartch my head I feel dirty.

one dirty fellow whose dirt drips as they move

one scared and shallow fella
one who wears wool and yella
one who scares the other fellas
away with the curse

if i could do a spell..
i would spell the word K-I-N-D
and try to re-imagine what it means
because right now I am B-L-I-N-D


i think i think i am the seed of disease

i am really scared all the time.

i should just stop talking about it.

i dont fit in.


or if i do

i wont fit in

thank you jesus.

everything is such bullshit.

http://clouddestroyer.tumblr.com/

i'll never leave or return.


this is where i've always been.
there is no other. thing.


dancing is the only peace.






on this tuesday. please lord give me dance.




excrement from my throat: on this Mar's day

from the back of the scratchy residue slide

yet i woke with my jaw more aligned
and only dreamed of sleep

on this can feel the blood
day
hands cold and
scared forms
to only cook dinner
awaiting
thai basil and sesame oil
these are the real things

no. well.
i think self-worth is a dream
alll this dust on my sleave
brush it off
shake hands

find someplace to dance peace
quell heart spins. move to the mobile.
dream up innard ankle lovers
innards on the ground
disgusting
youve got a charge
im afraid
shake my hands to the ground
im ive got lovers up the arms
in bones dried with long hair
mystical
talk a lot of shit
indigenous
in the eyes
power to reflect the sun
and age slowly
like black currant.
where my juice
thins
my hair grows long
in crevices unknown to these men

with long spider legs i could crawl
but these squirrly ghostly ones i do creep

cuddle into the corner of my own bed
im my own owner
be yer own dog.



audio: mar's day: be yr own dog

performance i was in

here is an article


of which i am displayed

http://www.ssgmusic.com/photo-set-arrington-de-dionysos-malaikat-dan-singa-ema-and-the-mother-ruckus-at-the-northern/

bad jesus gummy bears

baby jesuit saintly gummy bears

when i trinkle your bellies on the mattress
i shrink at the softness
and flab of yer grizzly belly
yr. hair is soft and a'growing like a real bear
your lips are tender wet.. red.. green.. blue...
you wrap gooey so much round me
even as children lie about sleeping parents
i bleed sadness
and form wranglings of legs arms fore-arms fore-heads lips-against-the-back-of-nape-neck-speck-deck
fingers thru fingers
rub belly gummies
rub feetsies and toeses
and fore-legs calves like milking
furry gummy ones
drop on my tongue
as wrap on my body
and don't i know

i'm not sad enough

i'm not glad enough

to be having comfort like this one blanket gummy bear
RED
cuz gums bleed
got an infection

down to the cut throat

down to the
inside heart
where black grows
and fermenting sadness
turns tempeh
one day will feed my mind
mush into cream
and sugar in my coffee
to

regenerate

that sunshine
and darklight




love, like power / violence
when power & violence make only sounds
that soften the grazing hum of my queen's life



audio: bad jesus gummy bears

basically over the past couple of months I have become to disappear
the smacking heard on the other side of the fence is not a problem
we use rubbers
to cover our whole entire body and keep it germ free.
do you know how afraid i am?

there are locationx i will not let myself pass by


please dont read this.

one hand slapping for no one