sa[i]d today. "Nur you're the happiest depressed person i know!"

Nur today is told by the trees and the ground to breathe deeply. She overlooks the bay and the mountains in the background tell her it's okay, that she has time to understand. When she looks inside herself, she sees a well of water dripping down the sides of her old woman cavern. The droplets dripping, and the warm aura red and brown, and grudge colored. She talk about herself tlaks about herself. Self-hypnotist-tripnotice-critical-botanical green grass fed... cow.

The cow is a sacred animal. A queen of the pastures.

We walked down the hill. It was serene. There was a straw bed. Blonde head. All that and she remembered what it was like to be fed cow shit. he touched her here and there while her bandmate slept on the floor next to another girl.

Confused, she peered over the edge of the bed, red and velvet, and felt a wave of real confusion. Wave real confusion for past hourly lazy confusion, roomed the through wind, chiming, felt like crying. Again. She like her other sea creatures, just wants to cut people off sometimes.

"It's okay to be sad," smiles the sun.

Mount Rainer glows off in the distance. A pathway of water streaming, then trees creating an inlet, to the grass, to more trees; the mark of humanity are the paths and ideo-paths, the feet that move great distances, only birds would imagine to transgress. Was it a sin to cross from land to sky to water to mountain to woods, and back? We just got our definitions mixed up a bit. When "he" and "she" were created they did not know what they included. Intersex. Intermarriages. Inter-locking notions, overlapping the way the trees do.

"I found out about the moon energy. The moon energy is the foundation upon which all material is built. it is the pattern that creates the patterns we observe. It is the thread-gill. It was our saftey net. Out very first creative grid. It is why we see patterns of 3s and 6s, 5s, and even 7s. The tetrahedron, the golden spiral, a hexagon,our fractal nature. Through the eyes of the moon lens I see the patterns of integrity. Though I am not always an integral part of that integrity."

She pulled her armpit up to her nose, and smelled, "like shit", she mumbled. "I'm sorry," was the reply from her inner spirit, and "Okay dear."

"The moon shines through the tree branches that overlap each other and form the gridwork for the etheric template. The template for material to rest on. The way the light seeps through, but with the branches blocking it out in partial places creates the beauty of all creation. the ground work for our bones, the origin of the things which we can see, or feel, as tacets of excistence, as the Great Scheme of Things. It begins and ends with the moon. It begins and ends with the sun. The sun, actually, fills in the negative space of the moon."

it's a shiny brown day
hazel eyed
My friend on the bus and big hugs it seems there is a certain crowd who loves me adn gioves me energy back

hey black hole lady

liver poster shed light caved in lung rib cage
it feels like I will be making time lines of bending pace inside my outlet from my vocal chords
the red light is drawn up through me and in the gruff of my belly is heated adding a coating of golden red lava glow through out my body
but when it reaches my throat it gets filtered through my mental cavity and spewn out like vomit down
some sort of bad and rancid recirculation method in which your past lives and future associations are warped up all tender, meat tendrils
BLACK CAT LADY BLACK HOLE LADY (yelled!)

falling ass-ward backwards on your spine-back you fall down
and your legs bend over each other
on the green grass with soft wet dried and re-wetted mossy soft thin spreads and folds of grass under grass under grass under garbage, old dolls, and raggedy ands, compost heaped in shred, eggshells and rotten potato pieces, smelling so much like falling shit, but oh yeah just real shit.
BLACK CAT SHIT BAT SHIT LADY
cats peeing and pissing and eliminating waste from the bowels

i sat on her grounds, out of my gourd, the shit touched the fabric of my blue dress which reminded me of rapunzel.
except with my ego, these days
rapunzel is me, miss merry mystic ... mother -

sounds solid saviour resting my head on your ledge

oh wait yes snow white wore a white dress
no a blue dress
it had that sort of diamond shape, i know only from acrhetypes
which i know well, and I will say it is all ego.
I fucking hate my ego so much i hate myself so much i hate my ego and my thought and the very way i show love
and no matter how much happiness or joy or peace or godskin covering me so warmly that it melds with my breath and my fine hairs that i KNOW how much love is me is you us all..
yet deep sadness reigns inside my heart.

If you would like to know what a heart split is,
torn all crimson velvet
so beautiful
and the divide
i know how hard it is.
Im not sure

its quite far
and maybe i really shouldnt be living in the pacific northwest

but i shed my latest and greatest effort here.
spoke he

so scared of being alone
all the same words recirculating and the negative space of my brain showing some signs of extreme paranoia in my membrain
shedding
some sort of symbolism and oh how easy it would be

FUCKING BLACK CAT ANGRY LADY PUNCHES KIND GENTLEMEN IN THE FACE
fucking get along alright at home

hem.
home is where
shed.
broken wooden booth
i ache
i shower the scabies power
powder

wish i could be absynthe greene white absent minded blank slate albino Powder magic
im again where magic is just leftover acid stewing in your brain
and no matter how many bags plastic
shimmering their sound in the wind
you find nothing
underneath
and its been
8 year since last time
but you really want to take another step into the unknown
the unknown of realizing there are no knowns
patterns and rhymes
and no phoning home
when it is all around you.

She curls up into a looooong ball. Her hands come down to the soles of her feet and she presses her palms smooth against them flat. Somehow feet feel so smooth and soft when you elongate your arms to reach your feet in parallel with your legs.

I softly hum inside my box and rub my belly
though i am a young child
i remember being a grandmother, an before that all, fading into a dream while giving birth.
sparkles things a scream would cover up
loud gun shots fire works.

I'm sorry jimmy for taking away your adolescence
laid it down
your face
on the asphalt
i'm so sorry jimmy
cracked your head open over a cracked egg
and i cant relate anymore
and yes
i am a nice friendly lovely lady
but unfortunately
I tied my shoelaces all the way up
and sipped the river
and zipped up my jacket it was cold outside

the medicinal mushrooms were missing from the cupboard that morning ellie
i put them just where you found them
my face was smashing itself like a hit deer on the run against the winshield wipers
we were going 25 in a 25 miles per hour zone in utah
and i dont think i will indeed get over it
did she bleed?

i can't remember
I eat dead flesh all the time
i suck your unused periods from their alien shell
little damn chickens
I have no relation to you
if there was a word for alien, it might explain the feeling of being tied to the earth and the moon, the sky, and the sun, and the trees, and the water, but to hhuman beings, only a supreme and bouncy addiction to their capacity for the expression of love
its simply magnificent
but im really bad at group dynamics and I think that I'm not allowed
into your part oF the circle though im quite content with my SPace here
afraid and eating out of toilets
gravel feels only a hard as the grit and the friction of it against your skin

skin
is just the outer rim of what we all feel is a very big mistake of a practical joke

HEY LACK HOLE LADY
bLACK HOLE LADY
BLACK HOLE LADY
CAT HOLE LADY
LADY

hey world.

coffee helping

licked yolk up my chin.

i'm not leaving here without some kind of paper having been written.

drank up my rose tea.

moon gathering last night. wandering like chillin.
:

Mixxing message of why I am writing. Never for the praise. For me, praise seems to come from some place of infatuation and lust even. i am writng to get out me. Like cleaning my pores by pushing the blackheads out. i feel really verbally flowery today that may have something to do with the rampant wandering I did last night in the woods. Some realizations that if I wanted to take life seriously right now I may always. But I can't go on that path. Because when i have children they'll need someone to take them on long walks at night where the fairies dance and the wind sings you sweet songs and the more you listen the more you get embarrassed to hear, but I'd like to create my life for the use of a daughter. So that she won't have that reflex to be embarrassed. My womb my brain my hands my frame my colors my cats and the incessant prayer through the veins in my body of smiling all the time are guiding me my body and i to her. All i eat, all I say, all reckless fun i have, all books I read, and people I meet, are so that he she him can come into existence one day. I am from the kind of people who prepare a long time before. I am catering to ym mind, must learn to control my emotions, so that when she comes, she won't notice the history of screaming and yelling and hitting the people you love. I must soak it out of me. I will. i have already done so much.
I miss Scorpio.
I miss Clel.

Im really excited about my classes. Especially Experiments in Text. It's amazing and it seems like my teacher speaks the same language of me (of course he doesn't write the same language but spoken word is so malleable and flimsy).

I want to talk about the journey of getting rid of thoughts and feeling about what other people are thinking about me. I don't really know who I am so it is somewhat shocking when I am bombarded by someone else.

Also. thhe slipping into being a child again. last night I ran circles around a large crowd of people, in the sand. It was literally on the physically most fun things I have done in a while. I felt like a bird a flyer a child a fairy someone so full of joy in simply being around. get it?

im so dull. My sharp senses are roaring inside to break free. i need physical art to help me. all this leading up to where and when? I'll show up. I'm looking ahead. Let's fast forward to spring break. Let's go to Orgeon. Wilderness. Outdoors. Mmmm.

Birth Camp. Sometimes I forget i CAN manifest spiritual birth for others.

well let's continue with this exhibitionist thing, wouldn't want anyone to be leading a double life, now would we? *wink*

Well hello again. Sitting at the table eating a bland breakfast of quinoa and turmeric and salt. This is one of the only mornings since God-knows-when where I haven't woken up with someone or some peoples. This is what it's like. First, fear and loneliness and trying to fall asleep again.. and again. Then people start calling you in the morning. There's the twice called wrong number. She didn't know how desperate I was to talk to her anyway. Well, sorta an exaggeration - I did want to fall back asleep. Now later "morning" and feeling the day, but I do not want to go outside because there is snow on the ground and I hate snow. I love snow. And snow is very cold.

My neighbor just walked out in a T shirt.

Last night I thought I was walking home. BUT. I whistled for my cats (just in case they were nearby) and lo and behold (the light of God) LUpita runs out from the side of the road! And joins me on my 5 to 7 minute walk home! Hooray! I love that she walks with me to the bus stop, even to the Handy pantry, and then Waits for me to return. Or rather, I'm pretty sure she knows when I'm coming home. Cause we're chill like that. (psychic sic what)

I really feel like it's a snow day. But I still have to write a 1 page paper and do other homework for Tuesday... BUT! I do not have ANY morning classes in the weekdays. This means I can party every night. Like last night, I went to the Reef, wrote, read, AND took a shot of whiskey. Man is being and adult awesome. Hear that? Little Nur from way back in the day...? There's more to life than a white picket fence and being married, and having 4 or 10 children, or being a scientist. These days scientists are just cogs in the machine, children are too burdensome, and being married? Well, you already did that, and you found out that no matter how much someone tells you they love you, if they're male, they're lying. At least not according to your definition... based in unconditional love even to and from flawed human beings. Actually. Little Nur, adulthood is full of constant resentment, and over time letting go of your anger. The only question is that by the time you learn to let go, who will love you then? Sure everyone, YES EVERYBODY, but not in that white pickett fence a dog and 3 cats and 3 children with a life partner and massive amounts of playtime. Oh and another thing Nur, people don't play anymore when they get old. And when you sit in your room talking outloud, people will just think you're crazy. Or boring. But mostly, annoying.

shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

drank some really nice tea this morning...

my feet are warm

my name is lavender

an you are?