sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Monday, July 30, 2012

Health Matters Summer 2012

Alright so there are these areas that need to be cleared in my body-being-living-creation thing.


It starts like this, child genius born into dysfunctionhousehold of LOVE energy.
Now ever-child-fae-nymphette-monster struggles to find friendship, love, physical intimacy, without FREAKING THE FUCK OUT. thinking everyone is secretly out to get me, but in place of FEAR find LOVE! and flexibility.
[p.s. I LOVE MEL and OLIVE]
A broken person can still make Tea. A broken person is a walking talking me, no matter who i am. The Lord heals all. The Lord loves us each the same.
I've been feeling especially stuck lately. But I really think it is still a break-through to notice how you feel. I wanted to have a baby. Because she calls to me. Because she is the nicest color of blue. But she is me too. And so I embark again and again and again on the journey of (s)ELVE(s).

Natural Medicine Life

Shizandra the five flavor berry
A. Shizandra     "five flavor berry"
       2 dried herb capsules 2x daily
     Lung Tonic Tincture:  
  Licorice, Osha, Elecampane, Reishi
       2 droppersful 3-4x daily

B. Happy Heart & Liver Tonic: 
  Hawthorn, St. John's Wart,
Motherwort, Oats, Tulsi, Blue Vervain, Anenome
       2 droppersful 2-4x daily
     Digestive / Mineral Tea:
 Nettles, Chamomile, Peppermint, Calendula, Hawthorn, Marshmallow
       strong infusion 1 qt / day

D. Mouth Rinse:
  Oregon Grape, Splanthes, Oregano Oil
       swish in mouth 1-2x daily

Movement Based / Spiritual / Psychological / Life Stuff

A. making art, learning to love myself so much I do not seek love from others, trying to not be attached, and replace attachment with the cherishment of others, doing energy work on myself, working with stones, and planning out life so that it is not centered around my relationships, feeling satisfied in what I do have, being less critical/judgmental on myself so that I can think clearly about others, meditating & exercising regularly, being reapply open when it is OK and closes when I need to protect myself, knowing that it is okay for things to be in disrepair and I can attend to them later....
B. making lots of art work, using my hands to remove energy from tense blocked locations, believing in myself, self-confidence despite the adverse rxns to my being, learning not to tell myself that i hate myself and want to die, relaxing and realizing that there is time and giving myself patience, not investing too much energy in other people, reminding myself of my passion, talking regularly to people I love like my family, and getting dirtied people out of life so I can be with less distractions, staying away from desires to have sex, being satisfied with self-touch and learning to let myself be familial & affectionate with my friends, digging deep into my subconscious so i can heal from being abused & so i don't irrationally blame potential lovers in some manifestation, letting go of "hurt Nur" and embracing "okay strong Nur"
C. San Diego / Massage School? More Evergreen? DANCING. Guatemala This winter?? Loving myself and remembering that most of all , all I want is everyone to be loved, and to never have to earn it, that it is just there and that no one has to feel hurt ever again or taken advantage of, or overlooked for their differences. <3
D. Trying to keep on finding low coast dental clinics, go to guatemala, now or later??? learning to make money so my teeth dont fall out, brushing my teeth way more often, Fluorspar! relaxing & massaging my jaw, Low Stress Lifestyle (HA)
E. Planning to do farming / growing herbs my own vegetables, spending time outside by myself at the rock quarry now, which has my airy desert-like nature and my homie deep down self too (woods), quiet time, self time, less hanging out
F. life stufff life grad school? making stuff figuring out the art in the community, moving ahead so i get to the real world of making art that isn't constantly monetarily supported by a school/debt
G. Just remembering that we all are here to Love and we should all be given a chance, and not giving up, despite how many times I embarrass myself, or run away, and letting love in too, and not denying it, but also, tending to already existing relationships with others. Getting closer to my family or trying to. Traveling to see my father.

anyone stranger or otherwise gots any opinions on whether I should stop going to school since I can graduate now, but I don't have to?

have I mentioned I have been in school since I was 2 without more than a 6-month break inbetween?

really want to learn how to express myself without being mean or cruel so I don't have to scare people to be heard.


Me tryin to look cool

Last week's work at the print studio..

Saturday, July 28, 2012

I think...

When you've experienced being taken advantage of as a young naive person it makes sense to want to protect yourself from that kind of trauma. It's okay to feel like you need to be cautious and wary of people who exhibit the early signs of abusive relations. These are present in M. These qualities freak me out and appear in individuals extremely capable of subtle manipulation. Usually it begins with me unsure as to their sincerity and ends with me realizing that they had targeted my trusting nature, which I still have somehow.

The first sign is them carelessly taking control of how you both interact and asking you to submit to that whatever it may be.

Stay away from these secret psychopaths. Who will not care if you're hurt. And will persuade you that it never involved their own actions which were always malicious to begin with and had the intention of keeping you for themself in some way.

Stay away these peole are usually attached to ex-partners and will have you believe they love you. But they are just skilled at finding compassion in naive children who seek love so hard, and they will accuse you endlessly so from the beginning they remove self-blame so that later they can abuse you unknowingly.

Fuck them.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Why some things s
Some things
Some cruel
Some cast off

Pop some
Drop some

Some things slow
Some things fake

Some pain forever
Some hurt spirals
Spirit unravel s and covers you while you cry
Underneath our arms held like string
You oh god allow me to spin
And I love you and you include me
In your arms I belong as you radiate your shine and show me your expansion reaches to everything
God bless you

Lve iv unrzeal
As unreal as a soldier
So solidly stated
I believe
In a star

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Hello idle rattling

Heyo sup idle chattlings

They rumble upside your head

Calling London's falling

The game not the clash

So sit here on the dandelion tea

While this liver does not dry up like a raisin in the sun
But defers her dreams
To the ether winds

And tuck them away and no I won't leave while they try to fall asleep as the sun tries to ho down faster

Jesus wept.

Wept a whole ocean for us
Night time swimmers

And. I love him. And she is my only husband. And he will birth my baby as the world turns to look back all they'll see is increasing ugly
But the tele-winds tell a different story
Of how the decomposition made things so boring
That man let loose their hands
And went forward not knowing
That finally w could die
And decomposing was the most beautiful part

Monday, July 23, 2012

My new favorite Stone is fluorspar

Otherwise known as fluorite

Today I fly
Today I love god
Today unconditional universal love to no single person
Today I dream and never wake up
Gentle heart

Sunday, July 22, 2012

doots: ayurvedic article

on the topic of me not being able to talk with people. how can i tell? if some people say i'm a fantastic conversationalist, and other people hear me talk selfishly.. given my own experience, i can only conclude that when i feel comfortable i let go enough to leave space for everyone, and when i am nervous i feel desperation to "be interesting" which usually results in me talking about my self.
well, it seems clear that I should just keep on trying to be comfortable with everyone, as opposed to devising some strategy or system under which i learn to follow normal conversational patterns. i know i can do that. but breathing and feeling comfort comes from so deep, and can be done naturally I dare not ruin its beauty with even more logic.

More techniques to balance your mind/body/spirit & how different ailments come from different dosha imbalances.. Like Acne! and Anger! 

in my ideal universe...

we want what we have!

in my ideal universe...

we embrace conflict! and encourage change! we believe in each other! and we never lose hope in anyone!

in my ideal universe...

we love and include those with differences even if it makes us seem "un-cool" or "weird" or "disabled" ourselves.

in my ideal universe...

we realize no matter how we are or what we do, we all have equal value & worth! and we all deserve to belong!

in my ideal universe...

we can come to one another with our faults and supposed flaws, with our negativity, and out abrasions, with our malicious actions and we can say, "here i am. how bout you?"

in my ideal universe...

there is never a point we can reach where we are a lost cause!

in my ideal universe...

we understand that each being is a conduit of energy all coming from the source! and that we are each a totality of a very large and complicated thing, in some ways we are "a long time" and in other ways we are "the totality of existence" each and every one

in my ideal universe...

we realize we don't also do or say what we wanted to, and we cut everyone slack!

in my ideal universe...

we realize anger is rooted in the liver's dysfunction to filter out toxins, and we embrace that! and start from a realistic and compassionate point of view.

in my ideal universe...

children are treated as equals of even on the same plane as elders!

in my ideal universe...

we realize there are many ways to get to the same place, in fact ALL WAYS ARE THE RIGHT WAY. and we drop the serious expression and smile or even die laughing.

in my ideal universe...

even when we see hate, we also see love, and we believe love is stronger.

in my ideal universe...

we each have our own fairy godparent and we make wishes every day!

Now close your eyes. Make a wish. And breathe it into existence...

A huge gust of dirt passed by under the gulp of my throat to spoke up the fire poke up the

And it was as if a century of anger from family patterns had passed
With the blood of those who displace mixed with the blood of the displaced
I am mi

xed race

Wednesday, July 18, 2012


I'm losing all my friends I guess that's an easy way to be alone.

I want anyone who reads this to call me at 360 349 1440 if they'd like to talk me through something I feel uncomfortable asking for that outside of this reality as imagined and I'm not sure my family knows about having friends or I'd ask them to talk to me with their sweet non judgment over matters like these.
Thank you even meta beings

more private thought i want to document, not for yu

the truth is i've spent a good  bit of time trying to appear more feminine, even taking herbs to help myself with that. in belief that i have hirsutism. it would be lovely to believe human beings have the capacity to see past outward appearance, but seriously, what female guru would be loved if she had a beard? except by the outcasts.
and was there really a past where frida kahlo was seen as beautiful?
i am skeptical of the capacity humans have to look beyond superficial qualities, especially sicne superfical qualities are often observed as being representative of deeper qualities.
but i ask, isn't the surface only the (imaginary) border between internal and external, and possibly wouldn't the appearance of femininity defined in society's terms be more representative of the external?
wouldn't greater femininity be representative of how much you allow the external to influence you, over generations and genetics?

truly, I question the human's ability to see past the veil of social constructs

no one passes through the needle

all lost in a hay stack

think about it.
this veil is tricky.
and tosses it's flash and flair on you

Spiral evil dollar sign

Money like time disappers
I can't seem to feel it slip until it's slopped
On the floor all bloody
Body is shaking and
Waiting for the time space continuum
To kaput
From all this ripping
I am in pieces
Allowing space in nothing ness
To fill the crevices
Of this form

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Disparate soul water
Bury in me tonight
Sqeeze bottle of heroine
Shoot off in me tonight
A bullet holed dream
Throughthe dessert-ire
In a non-toxic print making studio
There is a room that grows
Devilish ly
As idle fingers mesh

Sunday, July 15, 2012

I can't really handle most of what life offers me, to be honest the only comfortable thing in times like those is to take asylum in God's hands like children. To feel that at least the universe or source never lets you down.

you're so easy to be around

learned a lot yesterday that i had forgotten before. guess i forgot or fashioned some garment of defense that covered up the fact that i am still obsessed with clel, but not like before, like obsessed over becoming his friend in some 'real' way. then also obsessed with mel. like i want to be so close to them that i forget that i actually don't feel comfortable around them or respected. or that something inside of me is so distort towards them, hurt or whatever, i look to them like spiritual leaders. i worship them by submitting myself. this is all not beneficial to me. i dunno. so yesterday we sat in Bauhaus in Seattle and drank coffee and did Osha 'tarot' and i got psycho analyzed and basically re-realized i feel most guilty like all the time and keep trying to repair the past. but the past cant be repaired and the future doesnt exist yet.
the biggest thing i realized is that i never let go of this concept i learned through my relationship with clel, that I was some Monster. Fear On a Stick With Tooth and Nails, some words he won't remember that stick in my mind even though i burned them in that mediocre therapy group. . . That I believe I am a monster. That in my heart I am disgusting. That I am a ticking time bomb awaiting explosion of the emotional and sometimes physical variety. That maybe I can hold back that part of me, but it is only a ,matter of time when they find out how terrible I am and shun me like the rest.
This is really hard to drop. Because for the past 2 years I have fashioned myself as if I am trying to recover from being a monster.
I have made all my ways trying to get better, and trying to show people I've changed. And trying to hide from people that are 'too good' for me.
The truth is I am okay. The truth is that I love really hard and care deeply about all beings. The truth is, I don't have an awareness of what is normal all the time. The truth is How can you measure pain? The simplicity of it all is it doesn't matter where I am, but that I am already somewhere, and it's okay to trust in yourself and the universe that they will guide you to harmonious lifestyles, beings, times, places, outer-spaces...
No one needs to be anywhere but where they are and that is the truth. And can't we understand what is does to the psyche to be treated like a monster? To treat yourself like a monster... And you beocme one.
But you aren't and no one is.
You are beautiful. Us All. You are Love. Us All. You are Peace itself. Us All. We are HOPE FIENDS. And dreamers, and sleepers, and pieces of the whole.
So goddammit. I m gonna try really hard to Not-try really-hard to make up for what I can't make up for, the past, and just.. believe in what I can do about the now now now. (okay yeah this is always.. etc.)

i am not a monster.
there is not other.
there is only source.
this incessant weaving.
there is only prayer.
this incessant listening.
there is only breath.
eye thou, I-God.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Questions? I've got answers.


that's humanity.

"I am 10.2% more serious than you"

yes i am quite serious
i'm not sure why, because I am also quite silly.
it might be because I have become privvy to such heavy things, on a personal level, and not just awareness of them on a global level.
it might be because I am death itself. I don't know why. But i do think it's funny.

Monday, July 9, 2012

i made this today! - mayan in god

post scared mouth open

or you can just accept what you meant to say even if it leaves you embarrassed and alone.
or you can let your heart fly. where 'heart' is not a word for love, but:

or you can just accept that you've spilt milk all over the front of you
or you can just hide behind movement

and in that covering, dis-appear
or you can just accept that you're buried lovely and in bones
or you can just let your heart jump out of your body
or you can just release
or you can just forget about the past
or you can just let your bones be free
and alone or grow-tesque if they wanna
or stoned to death if it pleases
the sneezes'

where when your mouth is too open
too wide too strong too loud

it's like rain shine shot it all out

and you're a force of nature
not un like sun day weather

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

"Chimera(s)" (for K) by Adam Kimball (my friend!)

"Chimera(s)" (for K)

No it's never nice,
walking on thin ice
blades screech across glide back
Jump, land on sturdy glass snow
Dark heaven, blank hell
looking down through the ground
see Troglodytes and Chimeras
mystery whispers their godhead
the glass made of sand in a heat wave
cried bitter, humid tears
summertime blue,
caste hues upon purples upon reds in an ocre nutshell
spangled goldenrod
first feeling ever
colorloss person behold green red
in the eyes with polyphonic petals
eyesclosed sunspots
become orange and pink splashes

dear whoever reads this oh yeah that's me

that's the me in you or whatever. and i'm eating oatmeal, oh maybe i should go and eat some oatmeal downtown or another friend will stop and tell me about their dreams.
there are two principles nur that you must remember. back in the day, all the hours you stared at that single wall of fantasy artwork of the wind and the willows.. remember, on your purple bed beside your window with purple velvet curtains, to the right you analyzed every piece of that wall, but never saw the same things. the mushroom house could become a skull, and steam from cooking, poison cloud. the animal people deformed and reformed with the gaze of your eyes. you can't remember your thoughts, you thinking man. this was all meaningful. it taught you:
-everything is not as it seems, and can be malleable, manipulated
-you decided a long time ago to take the beating for trying to express yourself openly
oh the story. and oh how many words. and oh the coming silence.
this one talks BECAUSE of how comfortable is the silence.


This beast is always needing more money, more recognition, or it needs more food, alcohol or drugs to feel at ease.

"need beast."

needs no thneed

Monday, July 2, 2012




hello. good morning. i love you.

hello god sun skin people trees birds cars asphalt sky moon water

it's really important we understand each other, hold our fingers together and walk towards one another fearlessly...

It's a different day a different month. The lessons of last night's talking: silence in due measure.
This blog, an interesting device, speaks. This can be my speech. I have had lessons on telepathy... Like a child, "Why can't we talk inside AND outside???" I know. What to do. Though. So i'm gonna try to go inward and speak to the center.

Did you know in the center of the world there is a fairy kingdom? Full of rainbow colors and womb-like warmth. We can always return.

We're going to the center... of the world... We're going to the center of the world. We're goin .. to the centerrrrr.... of the moon. We're goin' to the center of the moon.

Half of me is real. Half of me is a dream.

Who are you? Well, i know I can breath through the holes in my lungs.. They breathe. Made of god-skin-fabric. Breath into our self. Like a keyhole, travels the light.

I did a really interesting tarot spread last night. The 7 chakras, 2 hands, and my feet. I'm having a lot of trouble with my bottom 3 chakras, the cards validated this: Strength as Justice, Justice, then Justice as Strength. I don't know how to say this. I guess I feel kinda sorta messed up. You know, feelin' sorta kinda like the bad seed, then letting myself become the bad seed, then because of my intense connection to my body... being highly aware of what things make my body hurt, my heart, my... 2nd chakra.
But I have to remember it is not my fault. I can make changes to prevent further harm,  I can restructure myself, but I can't take away whatever happened in the past. In that naivety was sparked this trauma, and it IS my responsibility to return to  the water.. And allow myself to fullly heal through care and chastity.

One thing and only one thing at a time. I cannot drink anymore. I am being determined to not drink. I am trying out being completely free of alcohol this is day 2 of that, and day 2 of this Month.
i love you, can my name for today be, RainShadow?
i'm in an RPG! i'm in a culture! I've got a finger!