Happy Hazardry Not Actually IM SO HUNGRY

How can I excrete when I have hardly eaten? But I do, it seems okay here to eat so little and I have experienced that before elsewhere in hot climates.. Or is it that the fruit I am eating in this large cup, ayer, filled me up truly, but in Seattle it is just not heavy enough? It is a worry for me that I become too light and fly away should I ever touch my own red balloon. But my red balloon darling little Nur, are my feet for sure.
I have only been here 2 or 3 days, this is my third day. Ayer, I pretty much slept in, called a few people, then went for a 5 hour bike ride and wandering around town. Guadalajara, is actually a CIty, it has more than 5 milliones. My intention was to see some of the art museums and that may still be my intention today as mostly I got lost and was enjoying biking on the sidewalks so much that I kept biking past my destination and just not caring and was watching all the beautiful people and wondering, "Will they look at me? Will they notice that I am a gringo.?" Except I honestly do not feel like a gringo. I am definitely a gringo and a person, and also a person who is from a non-gringo culture. And like my father said, to his brother last Winter at Fadi's wedding, there's no one quite like us Bruter. And it makes sense that I say I am a shape shifter this is part of it. I can't really automatically fit or be accepted, I shape myself to hang up in between close-to-you and far-away. It's not like I blend in, because I don't it's just that I can feel comfortable in a mess of people very different from me, because there is always something alien about me, the gauze over my mouth. More and more as I get older, it's hard to feel comfortable around people who have really absorbed the American culture. I wonder if it's because they don't travel and don't have the luxury of having foreign relatives in the US. I wonder if it could maybe also be that they mostly are drawn to white cultures, Germany, France, etc. I wonder if it{s because they look in books for culture, and stay at home. It is interesting to not that I have been slowly increasing my time around various cultures for the past 5 years. It feels like i am changing, and I am being more drawn to non-American mannerisms, and people, and difficulty in communication. Seeking out the difficulty like a magnet.

The first night I was here, wanting to get some beer, but it was dark and I had told myself I wouldn't go out at night by myself, so I asked very sloppily the only other hostel-er, Edgar. "Uhhh Quiero cerveza, puedes ver conmigo? Errr vamos a la beer store?" "Que?" (Here I opened my phone and showed on Google Maps there was a deposito , world beer store, and that I wanted to find good beer for cheaper than they sold it at the bar. (I haven't found it yet.) And would Edgar come with me? And Edgar got up immediately swung his heavy black back pack over his shoulder and came walked with me on the street, we almost salsa danced but I said I was too shy, "No puedo bailar ahora. I am tooo... Como se dice "'shy'?" "Timido." But I'm learning I'm a different kind of shy than I thought I was. I'm sort of like the kind of shy that isn't truly shy, just scared sometimes to use my skills. (For ejemplo i just went outside and spoke Spanish with this guy at the hostel who was in the city to get his VISA to go travel en los estados Unidos. At first I could speak then as my ideas became more complicated I got more embarrassed and started thinking less about my words just to get them out, and fell apart, and came back here to keep writing.)
Anyhow Edgar was really cute and I wished that we had danced or kissed, in fact I had dream that we held hands over some desert mountains and smiled but it was just a good hearted fantasy. Instead he drove me to the supermercado in his Chevorlet Tsuru with so many things in the back seat. He spoke only Spanish with me, and we talked and he told me iot was exhausting to speak with me. But we laughed a lot and I just found it remarkable how lonely and un-fit i feel in Seattle, like even my friends don't laugh with me. And here, I was able to have a good time with a random stranger for like 5 hours. WE fund beer in the maercado Bohemia! And a few of the beers were a 'Weizen' and 5.7% and that pleased me enough. We took them up to the roof and Edgar revealed he actually was fluent in English and French and then we talked for some hours and he told me about his life. He's from Guadalajara but lives in Colima now, and when it starts to get Spring he prepares a new trip for himself. This year he is going to France. Colima is his Winter home, but he explained it's like having a winter home where you're from, he lived there 10 years and 10 years in Guadalajara and I'm not sure if that's when he started traveling. I am six months older than him.

Slowly our conversation de-evolved like the one I just had outside. He ordered papas for me because I just wanted to make sure that they'd understand what we wanted and the delivery guy came on his motocyclico, and I almost climbed down, but actually just walked downstairs while Edgar conversed with the driver from the roof.

Curious side note, I've noticed that people tend to talk with the person serving them while they are preparing food, or performing the service, until they actually leave- But seriously people will longer with their food at the counter to have a delightful convo with the person at the counter, and just linger there even when another customer comes up, and this is not seen as rude or in the way. It seems like it's actually nice to keep the person working with some company.

It was kinda of funn... we asked the driver after he gave us our food, and we paid, we asked him to go get us a single cigarette. And he went off on his moto and came back in asingle minute and handed me a cigarette. I thought it was so amazing and Edgar explained that it wasn't because he just worked, over there, and pointed to a tall hotel like building that was probabaly 2 blocks away. Anyhow Edgar wa exhausted. It's exhausting to communicate wiht such struggle.

The next person I date will be someone who is willing to speak my language con poesia and metaforas, and mixed signals.


I've had many good dreams here, despite a dorm mate snoring pretty loudly every night. When I sleep here it is very comforting to me.

I may go to the woods today but Edgar told me not to go to the desert area I had wanted to go to, because he said it was next to the worst part of town. He said that if I went to the forest it would be much better, and that anyhow the forrest was better than the desert. I said they are just different and neither is better, but he said NO the woods are better and when he lived near Dublin he lived for 10 months in the woods and that's where he really likes to live. He was a little stubborn at some points, in an interesting way. He said when you live somehwere you start to hate it after a while and even somewhere dark and rainy becomes more appealing. He told me I couldn't go hiking unless I bouhg t different shoes, and he was greatly offended when I farted in front of him. he was supposed to bring me with him back to Colima, ya know so I could get somehwere else really quickly, not so I could stay with him, and he warned me, "But only if you do not fart in my car." At that point I sort of lost interest in him. But not really. We went to bed. I wished we could cuddle.

It has been hard to break up with Nigel. I don't have anyone to sleep next to like a regular thing, but he would always try to keep it from being regular anyhow.. I just have been realizing I do not really want to kiss anyone but I miss being held.

I think this break up has been kind of hard on me, and also my friend Kelli has abandoned me, and now is spending all the time she used to spend with me, with Nigel, which is hard to handle for me. Like I lost a boyfriend and a best friend at the same time, and the other thing. Which has to go unspoken. Actually I am glad I do not feel hard abut it as much as I did a week ago. I just feel a bit numb and a bit like, people live the life the way they want to. I feel like I want different people in my life, who treat one another with great sensitivity because I am very vulnerable and tender and soft and I am very upset greater care was not taken with me, because I wasn't using my own hands. And now I am. Standing up to people. Do a hand stand do a dandy stand, be a dandelion. fly away in the wind. The seeds they carry you there with their weight, and on that note, I better go outside and get some wait and see if today I want to take the bus to the museums, and if indeed I'll go to that Silks/Telas class at the circus school I found last night entirely randomly (I just walked by).

OH to get some weight oh to get some weight
to spit them seeds into the ground and wait
to get some galkl to get some gall to fill my belly with beans meat and all and not get too light
sometimes you go no where when you are nothing
and need a heavy belly to take you to somewhere like a target that's an arrow
like the tips of a feather balance out the stem, and together they get carried by the wind.

gotta go eat! Love, Nur

p.s if i were to read Baudelaire what should I read?