private into public

the jaw opens and the hinges almost pop off to yawn

this morning i woke up feeling sad. because i talked to N. on the phone last night and everything was sweet at first and i think i wanted to further explain my previous anxieties abut a trip we were about to make, and upon further discussing them, i brought them out again, because this time i discussed them in far more detail and emotion, especially since i had drank one hoppy but only 4.9% alcoholic beer.
last night the feeling was slim. It was meeble and it came out sliding sideways. Through teeth. through breaths i could not here over the distance that was not covered by the sort of frequencies that phones are allowed to emit. i heard a sunrise in the background. perhaps the sunrise made the excess sounds neutral.

i had some interesting dreams i can't remeber they were about driving i think. sliding, crossing, like frisbees.

i think. well i started t cry on the phone. i was crying because i din't want to upset N. and i was crying because how i felt and what i was describing was inherently upsetting to N. and what N. was saying, how he felt I wasn't being inclusive was particularly upsetting to me. Actually it was upsetting because I felt like I had previously tried to be more inclusive in my time living with N. but could hardly find an outlet for it.

No this must be the outlet.

Apparently, I have become very afraid of doing wrong. And very afraid of upsetting my friends, and secretly holding.

i have felt left out.
i have felt confused by my friendship with others

i love you N.
i love every part of you.

i dont feel comfortable. id ont feel like i understand much, or at least i dont understand in the way i am supposed to.
evrything feels sad and mixed and mixed and mangled and sad and obtuse. I feel alone outside my family. i feel alone outside my friends, but maybe, maybe they are more inclusive than i realize, and i am not accepting it.

i feel eternally rejected.

and it's okay i really hope that.
i figure out some greater love and acceptance today

- Nur

it think that part of it is i don't trust people to consider my point of view and emotions or to believe i am working for theirs as well.

i feel like everyone gets this entitlement to feeling things and having things, and i am pushed around.

i don't know what this means.