I have 2 birth days
the day I was born and the day I gave birth
today 5 years ago I gave birth
mostly alone
not wailing
trying not to wake anyone
seeing spinning circles diverge
and converge whenever it got most painful
then diverge again
and when the head was coming out
all the circles lined up and vibrated
they were different shades of yellow and brown
and I was alone in my bedroom
two other adults slept in my 1 bedroom Seattle apartment
which overlooked the street from above and had a nice view of Mt. Rainer
central district
and I just focused on giving birth
trying not to push, but the compulsion to push
was so extreme
it felt "good painful"
and the only way to feel less was to feel more
like chewing on the inside of my cheeks until they bled
kind of "good"
and the spinning circles
which lined up for every contraction
that I was told was not a contraction
for 8 hours I believed I was not giving birth
while giving birth
silently waiting for people to wake up
just focusing on the circles
diverging and spinning along different rhythms
and lining up, but not exactly, but each time more exactly
until
I stuck my whole hand inside myself to find
a head going through my pelvis
it felt like a hard basket ball coming through me
and then
I just waited and finally someone woke up
and I tried to explain
I am about to give birth
and at first no one believed me
so I waited
and then I gave birth
and I remember saying, "Okay are you all ready now?"
And in between the bed and the wall
I felt like a cat that needed a tight corner to partially hide in
it was so easy
it just happened
and the pain involved was manageable
with the circles
and the compulsion towards pain
and the time alone in labor
no one knowing or telling me what I was doing wrong
no anxiety
no worry
in the night
quiet
no screaming
holding back my voice so as to not bother anyone
with this.. thing
that only I could do
for 8 hours I labored alone going between my bedroom and my clawfoot bathtub
and for 1 hour someone was telling me they weren't sure if the pointy head with hair was a real human head
and for 5 minutes the midwife was there
and for the whole time I was there
what a strange experience that completely and intuitively happened with no one helping me
no pain medication
no fear
no problems
the circles guiding me
I wish I could count them
I think there were eleven of them, all the same size but as they spinned like hoops
they separated.. and went around like flower petals before coming together again like a target forming
this mental image that just appeared
