sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

notes on submissive and dominant energy

a house I know full of dominant energy. notes taped on doors so they cAn go to work. makes me feel heavy. hold in my heart, deep, inflicted by my mother. hardwood floors looks nice and the pictures on the wall are all pretty. i like the colors. warm sight. but my heart sees blind i think. Okay so. walking around carefully. I. Submissive. There no more a we. Of course some stay happy in this twinge. sham marriage. woke up remember came out of a dream felt real, waxy leaves over a hole in the ground storing weed. we escaped the stampede. and it was all... where the wild things are. green and gold. breathe. now just for a second I'll get back to this.

woke up walked on the hard floors, opened bathroom door, honestly i woke up late because I was scared to run into dominant energy. I. submissive. no more a we. scared of it becoming exaggerated in the presence of the mental build up. Again. Remember I cannot tell the difference between reality and my reality. So little notes on doors making sure everything is just so. No packages on the counter top and you can throw your recycled and paper-based compostable garbage in the garbage can because I do not want that in my compost.

I guess I am blaming my wounds on my grandmother's choice to move away from the water. I used to eat fish, in TWOS. We waded and bathed, it was salty.

Okay, walked up and put on my clothes, dreamt longer to stay in the comfort of the sleeping bag. feet fit short of the hole. where the weed was stored. we put waxy leaves on top to keep it dry from the rain. it was a GOOD idea. And I loved the way his large finger pushed over the top of the leaves the size of a fingernail.

woke up. walked to the bathroom, opened the door before I could look to the right so I wouldn't have to look. and the steam on the mirror reminded me how to be warm. Sat down at the table. when you're submissive anyone can tell you anything and you will listen to them. sit down at that table. hold your legs close together. don't cry. no one likes that. pretend I'm not here. You don't know how good a submissive is at holding grudges. But i forgive you gudrun, especially because you didn't really do something wrong.

I feel oppressed by the emptiness of that house. when my heart is already weak. And it's getting worse. I guess I might just not have enough Vitamin D, but seriously. For realz? Last time, I threw up outside the front of my door because I couldn't find my keys in time. Orange chunks of vitamin D on the grass. I felt like my cat(the one that vomits whenever she eats too much).

So much for self-regulation submissive. sensitive to dominant energies. But you don't like avoiding places, mostly because you did that for 4 months or so last year in olympia and it made you forget that this town had any love.

so much self-regulation submissive. and dominants are attracted to your energy. So they can dominate you while making you think it is your self. And it is. Because in a sub- dom- relationship two wills become one. And you submit. stamp your feet frustrated at it.

breathe in. you're not there anymore. in that pretty house. where orders are command, and remind you of a place not nearly as oppressive that you once called home.

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