i don't right
i don't fight

don't figure out
don't flail fingers
up in arms against nothing
don't notice
spinning
tumble speed


i ain't right
ain't fighting

no merge
no mirth

no big


ill fated fingers feathered and fallen

ill fated hands therefore forgotten

super posi- forest dwelling fae
fae-ke or fuck me please its all the same

please mister missus
tell me bout yer organs
are they spinning in this new found summer heat
or are they forming
balanced one or the other

standing one foot
on a ball

and i talk a lot of garbage
can't drink anymore
or smoke a spliff
without tearing my face off
mask replaces
real skin

born again teen teeth again skin

but they said i looked older

as if it werent or were true
that a lost lad a wanderin was me er you

its okay baby
youre so cute
its okay
tiny lil massacre inside you

soft flagellating layers

these soft papers that stick out
in layers like pig fat
seem plastic of silicon see-through

like fingers that stick out
in a house made of people
that stretch and seem to speak
you wonder then how they live
not eating

in the gentle folds
of thighs that touch ever so slightly
against the back of my body
asleep
awake
crawl out swift winds that heavy gentle fumble clouds of steam

the fathom of parallel skins
and gracing the slithering ways
of holding touch ever so slightly

i fall at the floor un-imagining
crumbles inside
and chest expands to recognize deep breath

I'm so beautiful
you're so beautiful

DEATHBIRTH

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si

there are hands bled blue velvet ribbons draping the floors

i am preparing for a long trip. i am preparing for the dining whip.
I will be driving across the country to move back home, east. To help my kinfolk. To head the call of the wind to dream alone in spin-time by the Delaware river where George W. truly started a large gang called a country.
an open wound.
the plan: is to travel a vast distance to dig the roots out. plant some seeds. sew up old dolls.


every day i dream this dream in my head i dream of death as rebirth .. that's all.
little lucy said it was self-delusion. i only know it as a non-sequitor. its pieces non-connective.
did you hear the wall open its mouth and move breath?
ahoooo it said crevice full of traffic


si pusiera ser... nada.

damn it feel s good to be gangster

social class: what's up?

so what's up with yoga coming from the Vedas? a text that also subscribes to a detailed caste system. a text that was created by lighter skinned Aryans enslaving the idigenous people of India (Dravidians) and appropiating their culture into their own spirituality which they then use to sustain their influence on India for thousands of years.
most people would just be like: well, that's what happens. ya know Christianity & Paganism?
BUT I would say. Something smells fishy.
If these texts are supposedly written through direct cognition with God, the Source, Brahma, Universe in meditation... why do they recommend class distinction and systematic opression.

While white folks and brown folks and rich folks and sometimes poor folks do Yoga in ballrooms... thinking to themselves, "I'm practicing an ancient form  of health, learning to merge my soul and body!" or "Well damn. this feels good.".. I can't help but think... The whole part of it being valued for being ancient, or handed down from G_d or.... having some divinity.. might be really... Social practice handed down and ritual  handed down, whilst taking precise emasures to keep it in good shape, as best we can since 3000BC..

But do we really want to follow systems rooted in human sacrifice and sluaghter & enslavement of idigenous people? a sytem rooted in... The creation of a moral and ethically foundation to the merits of Socio economic borders whose lines have sharp consequences when touched?

Even if in these modern times, lines are finer. Even if in these fine times, modern lines lie.

So here's what I think is really going on:
I think there is some universal reality wave going on.. let's call it Oh I dunno the Natural Laws or Universe or Nature or Physics or Consensus Reality.. But we could also call it Magic, or Reason, or Intuition or Medicine..
And these guides (sign posts, markers, channels, thru-ways, energy trains, vehicles, sacred geometry, the grand scheme of things, the way thinsg work, circles) are what humanity calls Religion.

But it might be that all the religions have got it wrong. That they forgot to take into account how evenly God would ahve to be filter through Society. For it to be communicated. Even Communion, to be communicated would have to become Distorted. Even Ritual, which imposes itself so that without words, without mental posits, one can embrace/ experience the ecstasy of Totality... Yet, even Ritual has to be passed down over hands and lockets, and will ultimately be communicated through the socially conditioned language, the socially conditioned grammar, the sociall conditioned brain, the socially conditioned bookstore that sells the various translations from years passed.. See what I mean?

What can we do to find the Truth? Because I am still under the impression it exists I keep looking.
I can't follow the geneology of the gods to discover the healing methods to cure cancer. But I can weed out this seemingly irrelevant information and get to the heart of the practice, no matter what religion. There are some common truths to be met.

Today I am figuring out if there is evidence or documentation that Hinduism stole much of its wisdom from non-Aryans lving in India before it was written.

I just don't really want to be part of a cult.

okay. alright. holla. http://www.hinduhumanrights.info/uk-now-has-seven-social-classescastes/
read this: weird.


Well. it may just be that I am going to be learning the tools of my trade my whole entire life..
Tools meant to see beyond the surface of what is apparent and obvious.


well ive gone off. gonna keep reading my Indian Tradition book (from the beginning to 1800BC) and my Human Sacrfice throughout history book, and my Pre-coplombia Literature book and I'll get down tot he bottom of this...
[ps i am hiding ina room bec. I am wearing someone's dress who is in the kitchen.. and I haven't changed since last night so... ]

thursday night residue

okay so basically this is what happened:
I even instigated rapid nudity at a birthday get together for a 19 year old (newly 19) friend. Who is very lovely and an amazing painter/person who wears vintage dresses and reminds me of myself when I was younger. Amongst a crew of people, ages ranging from 19 to 32, with an average age of 25 I would say although I haven't done the math... but hold on... it's 23.4 actually.
Well. We were having so much fun. And we were playing a naked game, and just being silly. I love being silly. Being naked, I hung with my legs from the rafters and didn't care how long my hair grew on my legs.. But in a second, after there was some truth or dare (which is just generally a game to get people to say and do things they wouldn't normally). There was a dare of licking a nipple. But was it jealousy Nur? Not necessarily because I didn't want my nipple licked.. But it felt like I couldn't handle being around casual sex. It mad me all of sudden feel like I was being socially pressured to, in order to remain fun & friendly, stay and witness acts that would make me feel uncomfortable. So after very vaguely and casually expressing my discomfort, I left. And I entered the main house and basically ranted about it. I said,
"It's not really fair when there is already a statement of consent spread around a party, for then, at random one person who is very loud and talks a lot to assume "judge" and decide what is and what isn't safe and okay."
"There needs to be consent and check-ins at social gatherings where there is nudity, or promiscuous behavior. Because not everyone has the same freedoms and boundaries."

I felt scared. Honestly, like, I couldn't really return. Because I was embarrassed that my actions, my fear, my discomfort, told tales that I do not wear outside of me. That I do not yet fully comprehend anyhow. How I was once a very naïve girl who grew up somewhat sheltered and was pressured into sexual acts and pressured into sexually abusive relationships.. and only later discovered how mangled my brain has become because of it.

I feel in this way that I cannot actually trust anyone. I feel that I generally don't want to be around anyone I know. And that I really need people who clearly express their boundaries and ask others to make sure they're comfortable. Maybe I will never really be Fun Nur like I used to be. But scared and vulnerable adult Nur exists and really wants to grow up a bit, recover from damage, so I can be strong and capable of speaking up fro myself.

I think that all the DIY scene's consent literature is really cool. But it is not the only way. Consent and DIY culture should not be linked,. Consent is for anyone.

And for everyone who has been touch without being asked. Or has been asked repeatedly until they said Yes. I hope you would understand, that it hurts much like .. seeing your friends flesh being pulled off their faces and falling dead, and being left alone.. oh yeah, emotionally.


kbye.

that's all from TEETH CRUSH BONES see you next time

i think there is a lot of awareness  |  to be had || that makes it obvious that alcohol is depressive.

i think wine might be okay.

especially beer.

especially when it is wet outside.

.


there are shiny things. like a hot glue gun.
there are puddles.
these ones here you just over.
these ones here you splash into.
but in this cold sphere.. the wetness is cooling.

blue crab. red crab.

beaches.

is it worth it?

to give yourself away?


to go to the origins of your depression?


perhaps.

just make sure to bring sunshine.
turn toes into petals..
yellow ones.
orange ones.
soft  with the pollen that sticks to the crevices of yr fingertips
then makes the rain glow





{i am actually very scared to leave my adult home. and return to my child's self home. i am scared to be dominated over. will i be strong enough to not lose my cool the one i've gained in these here parts? ]

{motions all over body in circling spheres that move. and we feel them as neutral air}
{for them to talk so loudly into the micrphone}

just some people i know

 

uh...  this one here. fairy godchild.

 

petals powers

not awake
soft sun falls in petals on my shoulder shirt slipped off
turn eyes around
feeling of weightedness forget

a small and subtle dream

i cried at the breakfast table
because morning seemed so new i didn't know what to think of it

because like chains i drag this root

in which is only some long umbilical cord

overgrown in the yard at justin lane

with weeds as high as rooftops

i can't handle morning smokes and throats that croak and attachment to materials

it's already sad to be alone in my own memory

but with the sun looking all smiley
maybe they remember too

that we are all together
bound and blue
running through fire

letting these layers fall off until
all naked

period an ending
an uncomfortable pause
how long do you wait?
well usually, when reading script you breathe to know when to speak again. and usually you breathe for a few extra beats than you'd think, just to slow yr speed down, because you were probably
on yr way to spontaneously combusting

god bless you

Blood-letting in love or sorrow

in love or sorrow

these are this times
i bare my chest beside the wall covered in older years' paint scenes
pastoral pleasant by the bedside manner
a string'd nose
through the rim

in love or sorrow

i lay bare in on sheets
floral duvet spread
rainbow colored heads poke at eye level
in bed
of men with knives bare
ready to cut loose
let.

let.
in these modern times
spin
space is made for this well
of
sacrifice.
i entertain and created expand electric blooded
through recorded recordings
still spinning create melodies
of throned strings
knives as gods
god of yanni how do you say
in my ritual space.


this these times that do spin
form trinities
in veins that stretch
hold stones
hold needles
ready to pierce and release

the energy for an hour
enough to stutter.

depiction of-
depiction of-
rings of circulated oxygen
breath is blood
memory swells but is not inflamed
fire out and both in
magic real dream space.

it doesn't care to know
but sees

flow' red
petals
in hearts
manifold   in darkness
as dark as
the metal sky screams purple
in winded times
spin
in storm-driven times
one hopes to look upon the moon as their own
sun
who rises again to sacr/scar/ed
or sanctify
suffice it should say
nothing is lost
in wells of tears been ready to fall
fall in-the face who venerates
vulnerability
on god/dis like
dress fell flat on their face
to turn upskirts way up

and just lay
splay arms out

to let in one more dream from afar
and spit out
one more dream from afar
to see more spins
in the flick of a finger
that does not feel pain
but notices the sensation of angels
noise angels who writhe with life
at the touch of an angled
drop.


of anything.

audio