thursday night residue

okay so basically this is what happened:
I even instigated rapid nudity at a birthday get together for a 19 year old (newly 19) friend. Who is very lovely and an amazing painter/person who wears vintage dresses and reminds me of myself when I was younger. Amongst a crew of people, ages ranging from 19 to 32, with an average age of 25 I would say although I haven't done the math... but hold on... it's 23.4 actually.
Well. We were having so much fun. And we were playing a naked game, and just being silly. I love being silly. Being naked, I hung with my legs from the rafters and didn't care how long my hair grew on my legs.. But in a second, after there was some truth or dare (which is just generally a game to get people to say and do things they wouldn't normally). There was a dare of licking a nipple. But was it jealousy Nur? Not necessarily because I didn't want my nipple licked.. But it felt like I couldn't handle being around casual sex. It mad me all of sudden feel like I was being socially pressured to, in order to remain fun & friendly, stay and witness acts that would make me feel uncomfortable. So after very vaguely and casually expressing my discomfort, I left. And I entered the main house and basically ranted about it. I said,
"It's not really fair when there is already a statement of consent spread around a party, for then, at random one person who is very loud and talks a lot to assume "judge" and decide what is and what isn't safe and okay."
"There needs to be consent and check-ins at social gatherings where there is nudity, or promiscuous behavior. Because not everyone has the same freedoms and boundaries."

I felt scared. Honestly, like, I couldn't really return. Because I was embarrassed that my actions, my fear, my discomfort, told tales that I do not wear outside of me. That I do not yet fully comprehend anyhow. How I was once a very naïve girl who grew up somewhat sheltered and was pressured into sexual acts and pressured into sexually abusive relationships.. and only later discovered how mangled my brain has become because of it.

I feel in this way that I cannot actually trust anyone. I feel that I generally don't want to be around anyone I know. And that I really need people who clearly express their boundaries and ask others to make sure they're comfortable. Maybe I will never really be Fun Nur like I used to be. But scared and vulnerable adult Nur exists and really wants to grow up a bit, recover from damage, so I can be strong and capable of speaking up fro myself.

I think that all the DIY scene's consent literature is really cool. But it is not the only way. Consent and DIY culture should not be linked,. Consent is for anyone.

And for everyone who has been touch without being asked. Or has been asked repeatedly until they said Yes. I hope you would understand, that it hurts much like .. seeing your friends flesh being pulled off their faces and falling dead, and being left alone.. oh yeah, emotionally.


kbye.

that's all from TEETH CRUSH BONES see you next time