i keep feeling like this blog should have a warning..

WARNING: READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. THIS BLOG MAY HARM YOUR MIND.


i'm not trying to be good anymore. it's alright to be bAD.whatever bad is.

I'm okay with this sort of recklessness, contained inside a computer, from a keyboard, onto this electronic page.. whatever.

anyone could be crazy really. (i just watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, i have read it long ago, that's what led me to The Electric Koolaid Acid Test). But, I'm just saying. I think most of the time I'm afraid to speak, because what i want to say comes out all crazy. I don't really want to be around people that would think I'm crazy.
I've been getting angry lately. It's sort of the emotion I resort to when I'm feeling left out. It's easy for me to feel left out. It's easy for me to think about what people haven't done to interact with me. I often ignore the positive things people have done for me, towards me, and yearn and long for the people who, frankly, aren't really that into me. Or, I will grab on to a conclusion real fast, and put you into he category of an asshole. A certain number of conclusive failures on your part, right before I fall in love with you, and we will never speak again.I feel ashamed a bit guilty to feel love for people that don't even want to be seen with me in public, or are kinda flakes. But, my understanding of people helps me to realize that I just can't really tell who is an asshole. Lots of stuff is flying in the air and drowning our eyes out. Mine too. I wish so badly I can release this anger and resentment towards others who aren't "enough" to me. I don't like the dualism of, you're eitehr an asshole or my favorite person in the world.

I could easily be out into an institution if I wasn't so godamned intelligent. People like me who can talk "intelligently" don't get put away, or arrested when they're tripping balls, for example. I'm safe Mom. I can always snap out of it. Like Emma said.

Today i was reading a Qi Gong magazine, an article about the centers where trauma is processed.
( http://www.sahej.com/organ-emotion_printready.html )
..I don't know where I was going with that. My head kinda hurts, I've been trying to really relax my jaw muscles, nwo I have pain, and a headache, which I rarely have... OH! I remember. Well.. I guess I am processing trauma in my liver, because I have anger, jealousy... and in the article they talked about seeking/yearning compulsively for love being also associated with this organ.

What is it Nur? Do you even love these people? Why do you have to share your body so easily? Just cause of a little red aura? a little blue? Some fancy prince? My heart leaps out. I fear I'll be alone, my mind shoots straight into the future, Okay I'lll have the baby on my own. There is No baby. Time has ended. It's 2012. TO THOU AND TO SELF... remember?

But sometimes I do remember. Sometimes I remember all the people in the world who care about me, so much i can seee it. I love all my friends, and even though my family is sorta effed up, they love me so loyally righteous.
God.
At this moment. I thank you.
But please help me. Give me the strength to stop seducing hot boys. God, Please. They'll just stop talking to me immediately after and I'll realize they don't really care, and even if they do care, I will scare them away. So, please. Give me the strength to be so much more pure, and patient. My body is not just an animal. No animal's is. If I know that, surely I can... keep it more connected? At least know I can talk with them beforehand? Please God, give me the strength to resist the temptation to use my body to feel good and to share my love. Because I have so much love to share, and I'm way too vulnerable to give it out freely, without mutual respect. And because I can't tell who's an asshole, I'll run away and make them one.

I gotta go. Dude.