sorry bunny

sorry bunny

Sunday, July 15, 2012

you're so easy to be around

learned a lot yesterday that i had forgotten before. guess i forgot or fashioned some garment of defense that covered up the fact that i am still obsessed with clel, but not like before, like obsessed over becoming his friend in some 'real' way. then also obsessed with mel. like i want to be so close to them that i forget that i actually don't feel comfortable around them or respected. or that something inside of me is so distort towards them, hurt or whatever, i look to them like spiritual leaders. i worship them by submitting myself. this is all not beneficial to me. i dunno. so yesterday we sat in Bauhaus in Seattle and drank coffee and did Osha 'tarot' and i got psycho analyzed and basically re-realized i feel most guilty like all the time and keep trying to repair the past. but the past cant be repaired and the future doesnt exist yet.
the biggest thing i realized is that i never let go of this concept i learned through my relationship with clel, that I was some Monster. Fear On a Stick With Tooth and Nails, some words he won't remember that stick in my mind even though i burned them in that mediocre therapy group. . . That I believe I am a monster. That in my heart I am disgusting. That I am a ticking time bomb awaiting explosion of the emotional and sometimes physical variety. That maybe I can hold back that part of me, but it is only a ,matter of time when they find out how terrible I am and shun me like the rest.
This is really hard to drop. Because for the past 2 years I have fashioned myself as if I am trying to recover from being a monster.
I have made all my ways trying to get better, and trying to show people I've changed. And trying to hide from people that are 'too good' for me.
The truth is I am okay. The truth is that I love really hard and care deeply about all beings. The truth is, I don't have an awareness of what is normal all the time. The truth is How can you measure pain? The simplicity of it all is it doesn't matter where I am, but that I am already somewhere, and it's okay to trust in yourself and the universe that they will guide you to harmonious lifestyles, beings, times, places, outer-spaces...
No one needs to be anywhere but where they are and that is the truth. And can't we understand what is does to the psyche to be treated like a monster? To treat yourself like a monster... And you beocme one.
But you aren't and no one is.
You are beautiful. Us All. You are Love. Us All. You are Peace itself. Us All. We are HOPE FIENDS. And dreamers, and sleepers, and pieces of the whole.
So goddammit. I m gonna try really hard to Not-try really-hard to make up for what I can't make up for, the past, and just.. believe in what I can do about the now now now. (okay yeah this is always.. etc.)

i am not a monster.
there is not other.
there is only source.
this incessant weaving.
there is only prayer.
this incessant listening.
there is only breath.
eye thou, I-God.

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