1. about getting older and bullshit ideas of maturity
2. i am in a transition, ya'll should be lucky to witness me in this stage
3. i am seeking love, but realizing that i can't connect with people necessarily based on shared interests... basically that what i seek in others IS NOT THERE and ... I find most of my romantic endeavors to leave me feeling empty in a way unlike the experience I have with my friends
4. i am sad about not seeing my mom
5. the exact feeling of emptiness I had after taking a bath today - & especially commenting on the lack of emotional expression i experience with others, but that I require so much I feel bad for keeping such a standard
For example, working our way up.
[i am not entirely and angry critical person, just sayin']
I had a legitimately good time with someone over a video chat today. What I did not expect was the feeling of being disappointed I felt at the end, eeriely similar to the feeling of something you're attached to ending.. but not so simple. Not even sure if that is what it was. It definitely felt, "negative",
but did not negatively affect me rather it saddened me to my inner feelings.. Which I think go something like this, "I am a scared and hurt deer lost in the woods seeking out intense emotional experiences."
It may be that I seek these out in sexual and pseudo-sexual experiences, when in actuality, I wish I could express this INTENSE I NEED YOU FACE all over my body.
I curled in a ball and cuddled up to Shaylyn, my face close to my knees, and the back of my head against her forehead. I closed my eyes and just felt my emotions in the darkness of the back of my eyelids.
I feel so oddly unemotional these days, like I tucked myself away so small, and now, not wanting to be tucked, I can barely feel the emotional witch. She is tired and lonely, I seek comfort in others, while she waits by my bedside in the lines of the floor boards, in the lines of my hair, reaching out a hand, some fingers, hoping to catch a flint of string, my face - my eye lashes - my arm, like a cat that loves you and wants attention. One arm out to claw gently.
I just cut my bangs real short. Just tonight. It'll take at least a week for it to grow in better.
Sex is not a pulley system! Sex is not to be injected! Sex can't be this way anymore. I want to fix it. Sex is about feeling someone and diving into them like they are the sea and us all, the night time swimmers, sacrificing our lives for this swim. For this night. For this warmth.. or else our bones will break and we will die of hyper-thermia.
Every mistake is a riddle.
Is it funny when we get it wrong?
I can't find anyone to have sex with. I can't find anyone that can see my telepathic speech.
I make movements with my eyes oh-so-consciously. I love the wind and how it pulls on my hair.
Where are you wind? Where is your favor? Come my way. Come play with me. I'd like to toss my body on you. Whoever you are. IT IS TO BE CREATED OUT OF DUST, NOT GIVEN BLINDLY
These pangs of destiny can only wait an eternity. Can't wait hardly any longer.
I'm not well yet. I'm not perfect yet. But I am stable and beautiful and learning to give and not give pain.
But two bottoms does not a top make..
Either way. I will most definitely fall in love on a weekly basis. I will most likely try my hardest to know you.
FOUR mom style FOUR
my mom is like
well im like
jesus like
blood red like
martyr victim type
and i bleed for her
in her womb i bleed for her
and we love each other
but at night my heart fears
the yelling and insults
the crass stern judgment
but i know
we can all learn again
the wind will carry our spores
and all i wish was I could see her sometimes.
on my way home, back from work.
I love you Mom. I cry in my heart to receive your emotional intimacy once more.
HMMM.
HMMMMMM.
Yeah okay last Topic.
We'll start like this.
I stole the surgical lubricant the doctor used on me. He really didn't need to stick 2 fingers in me. Fingers like vaginas come in various sizes. And his were too wide for two in my small and wrapping hole. That is why i stole the mostly used lube. It is sitting in the drawer of my nightstand, unused.
I am growing up and didn't know it was possible. I still get confused for being 17 years old and I am almost 27.
What that feels like, is. It feels like noticing the natural Laws of the Universe.
I am realizing the consequences of my actions, and the stretch of time.
Also becoming highyl aware of how we can hurt our bodies and remove ourselves from earth-reality.
Just like over-using the interwebs does. A drug.
There is mostly nothing more to say to this one hand slapping fer no one.
You are a beautiful machine.
Your arms around me and tenderness
that cracked when we fell
and traded sex in for
a cup of coffee at a nearby cafe
or watching a good movie...
on the couch
or...
rubbing our bodies against each other while hooked up to an oscillator..
or....
All I wanted when I said, "I'm wet", was to look into your eyes.
Even if you were just a digitalized face on a screen.
And all I wanted when you implored that two kinky kids needed to get together, was to hold you against my breast like a child.
And for every time I've been penetrated. I just wanted to devour you while you devoured me and get lost.
For every time I reveal my vulnerability I do so in the hopes that someone will notice just how beautiful it is to be warm and wrapped in fleshy bones. Or how worthy it is to just be in the same /even mental/ space.
Or how much I must care about you to even look upon you with some value.
Because even though you are endless. I love you, me Nur, me, your personal Nur, loves and honors you and wants that to mean something more than a, let's be honest, mediocre fuck. Because oh like I stated above, I am extremely but not entirely critical of others.
And I have intensely high standards.
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