i want to live in a world with no gender and no race and no diversity. i want to stop being predjudice around "women" and thinking they all hate me. And avoiding them. I can handle female cats, I'm not sure if I can handle female people. One time I slapped Jill on the ass. I was drunk, and had started feeling comfortble in my community. I think this was wrong, but at the time I felt it was an impulse I have a habit of repeating (and usually received very positively) when i begin to feel comfortable. But as it is with Olympia, a bubbling pot of disappointment, and betrayal. Where no one is comfortable, unless they are blind and blissfully ignorant, and no one is okay, unless they've been empowered by a minority group to feel as such.
I suppose I'm kind or angry. And I can't stop inward crying everytime I think. In my head. I believed, before, that If I tried to love evrything, andd was guided by hope and acceptance that would be enough. And I spend all my life trying to just keep people happy, feeling like the threads of your skin wavering in the wind, only to be plucked out like my experience doesn't matter. But I thought we shared it. But you say that's not true. And I'm crying every moment like a child. I can never stop feeling abandoned by everything I love, and can never stop being chemically addicted to YOU abandoning me, and telling me, no matter how separate I was expected to be from American Society, and how sheltered I was kept as a child in my uber-arab tone OF HOME, that because my skin is pale I will always have white privalage, and my people will always have to SUCK IT UP. I'm sorry illusion. I thought this was the coming age of realizing that we all hold trauma, and a body can NOT be valued, good or bad. I'm pretty sad and been crying in my chest a lot lately.
Honestly, it's very hard for me to even not shut down and stop expressing myself. I got shut down. But then again. They wanted me out. or whatever. It's hard to transform stuff into love, when you feel guilty for existing. And also like you must be some sort of hitler in a past life, because people just seem to be offended by me.
My mother is a loud palestinian woman. her hands are hard and soft. She is very strong, especially her hands are strong. She is very white. She grew up in a refugee camp. I feel like I am her, but it doesn't count because my single mom raised me in America. And when people took advantage of her because of her accent, it didn't mean anything REAL to me, because I dont have an accent. And when she yelled at me everyday because she can never get over being divorced by a husband, well that didnt affect me either. And my personal opinions and experiences don't matter if they are not logical. And I really feel sometimes that I might be the calcified clog in the machine you were trying to wash out. er mostly. Just some teen angst. i often ponder if somehow they want me to kill myself. Because maybe, I could take their pain with me when I go. I must have done something real bad in a past life. Maybe I was hitler. I feel ashamed to raise my head in public, often, and when i feel happy, It's almost like I am fooling myself, or letting myself be fooled, so I can at least remember what it feels like to have the power of love in me, before I let go of it, and remember how bad I make people feel.
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