today was somewhat frustrating

Today at class, the one I teach, the student just refused to do anything for the last hour of the day... I think he was tired.

I wish there were more toys in class or paints and clay...

I want to bring in my clay but i'm afraid he'll ruin it. I don't have a lot of money, or authority in life. But of course he thinks I do. I got another parking ticket.


I feel an unknown sacred and vulnerable feeling in my heart.

Later today there may be an experiment. One in which I allow someone to dominate over me. It will be a test to see if that it is possible to express love that way. Which is all I really want to do. It is a test to see if truly wanting to be dominated over, is a valid and self-worthy desire, or an illusion, actually based in media influence and what not about women being trash and walked all over.

I guess I just don't really know. Since all my first sexual experiences were people telling me what to do. One would believe that indeed, It does hurt to be submissive, but now where I am in life, it is hard to tell, whether it is now okay to be in control of how and when, on some level.

I still am choosing, even encouraging this to happen.

Oh we will see...























I'm not ashamed of who I am. OF my decisions to be silly/ditzy and seemingly cover up my genius.
I am not afraid of my choice to use simple words in my writing.
In my poetry.
I am not embarrassed of my typos, whent hey appear pretty to me on the screen.

I love the way the lace drops.

I am not afraid of my desires.
A kind boy at the library. His hat hangs low on the back of his neck.
A girl last night giving me a tarot card reading, or I her.. and she not telling me what she knows of my flaws which I would so sacredly gobble up.

I am not afraid of how old I know I am.. and how young I appear. How human I appear. I am not afraid of pretending to be human, pretending to be white, pretending to be okay with Patriarchy.
I am experimenting.
In the end... I will probably see that it has hurt me, to go late, to park in the same spot where I know I will once more get a ticket, to decide to go to the now 3 hearings I have set before me, and today marks the 3rd. But I have never experimented with the law.

And I am a scientist at heart. HOW ELSE WILL I KNOW? unless I try.

I am not ashamed of my teeth. I hate them. I know that.
I am not ashamed of my face.. it is a work in progress.

I am not ashamed of my gender identity. I do not have one.

I am not afraid of my feelings or my lang-wage. The wages of sin is death, and I know one day we will all die.
In sleep, we will all fade.











I will try and try and try in all ways. Until I die.
That is actually a 3-6 Mafia song. Now aaron can no longer play it in his car for me. And I have long since stop talking to him anyway...

If death didn't seem so normal, so prevelant, maybe I would fall down and stop living.
But it doesn't make sense.

Oh Lord, I pray we are protected. I pray this rain today, in Olympia, does not create a permanent storm in my heart. I pray for peace.
And the release of old wounds.

Love,
Nur