HEY NOW

lookee here. I just made a website :

NuR uNIVERSE NEEDS


In other news, I have little money, lost my wallet, am returning home to a roommate I am apprehensive about seeing again but with whom I feel I have great confidence in.

Um.... Not much else to say except for um..... the above mentioned website......



***jab****

please mother dont murder my children

Please Mother dont murder my children
[the underling things that crawl in the day on ym face]
Please mother dont tie my hands behind my back and then say, AHA! I KNEW IT!
[liek they all do when they engorge their lips with my lipase]
i need help
i need help
i am helped and so i need it but what what what but what what what do i do

..... this mentions me here
keep having crushes on boys who are taken, and me, a lady already taken (albeit by some ghost no doubt) keeps feeling like some circulating joke.

flock foil
foul.

damn straight alien lady.

big eyes and crooked teeth is all ive been thinking about since the 7th grade
so there, there is my complex, i wanna know...... I WANNA KNOW when some shrink will see me? please see me said i and do whatever you have to do to understand that I DPNT KNOPW where the crayon went when it got superliminally shoved up my nose and INTO my brain.


big eyes. and crooked teeth. disease. big eyes and crooked teeth dis-EASE. big-ease. dis-easer.

the... i cant open my mouth complex. the... i can t look people in the eye complex. THE
icanttalktomyfatherevenifiwantedtobuthesstill alive
dIS EASE


BREeaking on banking on laying by the bay on the sand with my hands alongside of my swimsuit (torso) and i scraped the edges of the creases of the wrinkles on myknucles an di love how long my hair tarried but i still cant seem to raise my eyelids past half a centimeter and sometimes thats enopugh to see the light thats coming off the sun but at the right sunset it can feel like youre pretty fucking blind....


i know
i turned away
what the fuck

why does a girl want what she cant have and has to learn to not want what she dopes.... does...

today i had a crush on an engaged man! and didnt know! today i realized i suck at telling how people are!

and theres the hole in my wall and the worried thoughts saying choo choo choo choo down the tube wire heart thaw

layer it

layeR IT
DA

i can cause cake damage

i heart you toe squeeze

allowance after allowance all of it

makey lady pee plants


spoken not shared

lost heart made to ache but baked further gold into foil, started foiling itself around town twirl twirl twirl...
special feeling comes form where but i bought boy oh boy bought the perfect gift in the form of an abstract wish to be blessed with height of the spiritual mind but so off and on i notice it is really ego
upon opening to this new day i say my tongue is not yet burnt and my mind is more pure than in the countless hours sleeping through my sun my sunlight my sonshine
son shone yah
sun peppers and sun maizes
beautiful boy in urban gold and child-like memories of easter on the cement sidewalk
cracked open like today
i lifted my head i lifted my neck
i spoke out and shouted like unduel motions
emoting ebb dub lub flow
making drears out into daisies i collect my head and who and where are you?
for if'n another is to come up and wash me over, i may as well this time adjust the speed and wait to see if the great catastrophe chooses not to come...
confused as well as you two are on the same page
i unclothed rush to your side as the dress folds under you
and each one will love another 

like a brother or a sister kind of lover.
and each one underneath their petticoat shall be lifted in twirling lights of male female games...
the spicyness to experience free love
is coming
in me

on the birth of destruction i burn your harried faces' emblem across my breast!
i carry your incessant ties to soil and root of earth and UProot them unto the sky!
THEY BURN!
and when each cell on earth lies down at night to slumber, to rest from the nakedness of day(aching), I will give them the delight of the bare dark sky and barely there opalescent little moons.
i mourn for you oh mother earth
oh ma ma me-uh oh ma my-uh.
ma ma mother maya me oh maya mama mother
delicate shards of glass i wear on my sky
lens of truth when wants truth to be splintered
lowerd lens of truthe
layered lowered longer lens of truth
laboring idly
sleeping wildly
tired

my heart stretched out so fine the creases' powder
my wretched heart stretched
my heart so full and emptied, i begin to see clearly
out of the open wound i have been harboring flows
blood red anger
and the letting promotes growth
somehow and in some way that
i do not know
my flow and ebb slows to show
somekind of passion that
i do not know
my heart wretched and torn
many newborn
my heart in pain and drained
i am tired
slain
reborn
fire favor
falling
into
scabs and showmanship
a ripped jacket
a clip
from the endangered species channel
and now,
the extended version
of the kill
when i ripped out my own heart and hurt beyond
error error error
shit
banking on some watery grave
to place that stone of a heart i birthed
stillborn and still born
alive in the most peculiar way
you say it's okay but how can i ever forget just how sad I am all the time and in all the ways tainting everything i love?
..and everythibng that loves me
with RIVALROUS ANGER
SPEARS
AND TOOTH AND NAIL
BLOODY PIECE OF SKELETON
JUST TOOTH AND HAIR
barely there kind of bare
I am a bear a bird a spirit
they helped me last night
Was it them who i awoke to in spite of him?
God where are you? I prayed to you and I felt you but you were in-
SO MANY PIECES
how could you take me
with so fragile of a frame
What am I made of?
If it is of God then why is my structure so hard
as to remain in this same beating pattern of my heart
as to remain so bitter so strong so born and torn
why my heart
is only a rock
but i birthed him out
i shouted and tore him to pieces and lay him down, like God
with the vulnerability of a child I look on in amazement and wonder
my child is a stillborn, still born
my heart is stretched out to harden wider and longer
my throat is closed and open
my base is a trunk truncated and locked
i am lost no here but lost no here but barely there bare and-
Oh maybe I don't understand this...

Can I still be a whore who loves her lovers with the deepest thoughts and palpitations known yet to her? No I guess not. Thanks a lot slyly conservative upbringing... WHO am i fighting against? Myself, myself, myself...

I've been matching all your faces to new ones. New voices are old again, familiar, though revised. I met a John Wagner and a Gabe, I've met people I know and will never know. They are just replacements for the comfort I seek within myself and the liberation I try to aim at every day. Like stuffed animal buddies.

Speaking of animals, Lupita had her kittens yesterday evening, 2 black, 2 black and white swirls, one completely white one. I think I'm crazy. That means 8 kittens now. Cats. The most I've ever had. Oh well. Cute furry animals are essential when you are in a phase of relationg to them mroeso than your human counterparts.

Mostly I'm tired of fighting. Every second of the day that I don't live alone seems like a chore. I get nervous just at the sight of someone I've met before. Really I should stop pretending I want to have friends so bad and do fun stuff like walking places and jumping on things. because this Nur here is slow calculated afraid and cautious. Strapped onto my own backpack, a box in a box in a box in a box. I've never been so socially confused worried and anxious. Half of the time it feels like I'm trapped, clautrophobic, And other times just like I'm getting to watch this very fabulous and interestion memoir I just caught on tv.

Hello Goodbye. Another try today?

And the gods of greene spoke out before the council and declared their claim. The goverment fought hard and had shown numerous documents of children who were born with the mark of Nur on their foreskins. But alas, her peoples could only but refute these claims. Finally, they pulled their little hands out of their masionic robes and spoke, "We but only can spare $1023 for the Greene."

And so it was done. And so it shall be. Nur holds in her pocket one thousand and twenty-three.

Dollars that is.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!TAX REFUND DANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!

One thing I did wrong today, I expected that the feelings I had this morning were indeed able to be understood and figured out. If only I left well-enough alone. Now, in trying to leave well enough alone, I am left alone. Shook it out of my head...

This is my second day of school at College: Round 3 and if I succeed I'lkl get to move onto Round 4 .

Gender Issues

I seem to have a predisposition towards holding women up to such high regards that when they live outside those pedestal laden oxes I set them on, I simply push them off and create obsessive compulsive avoidances around them and shut them out of my life.
people I like and people I love. people i don't even know

cause my brain says LOVE and my heart hurts, all the time. It's dis-abled

Do any of you have any gender issues?

Hello World

It is noon, I've been up for 4 hours. I go to bed at around 9pm. Yesterday I rode 20 miles or more on my bike and my butt really hurts. I am frustrated today. Very frustrated since I woke up. And had dreams about my two kittens Antoine-atron and CombuleCombule TumTum that I gave unto the wood spirits to take care of, and of my dear Azrael whom I miss like the fountain of youth I once knew.

I also had another dream in which this girl whom I no longer feel comfortable around tried to explain herself, but the dream ended before she cold explain anything. I take this as meaning she has no explanation for herself, and that I should continue avoiding her. Unfortunately, her like another, I can't get out of my head. I hate how I have to think about her all the times, in my dreams, in my day dreams, this fear, this threatening face guides all my emotions and actions, which to me are one in the same.

I can only hope one day the joy I find in my own personal illcommunicable mental processes will be able to become as creative as the art i see swirling all around me done by friends and husbands who paint and play music.

I want to learn to love myself more.

Dear Nur,

Please do not run away again today.

Love,
Nur