I'm not sure what's going on. I have had these weird pains in my body since last year. It makes my stomach puff out, feel pressure; I feel pain in my right side, I can't tell if its my ovaries, or perhaps its my ileo-caecal valve( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ileocecal_valve ), or simply an easily irritated digestive tract, or it's the foods I eat, Irritable Bowel Syndrome, ovarian cysts, ovarian cancer, interstitial cystitis... I can't tell I don't know they all have fairly similar symptoms, I don't know how to go to the doctor. I don't know how to hold onto my money. I feel broke all the time, or quite wasteful.
I'm addicted to drinking to feel good and to have fun, I'm addicted to coffee, I'm addicted to using caffeine-carrying drinks to pep me up so I'm not tired. I never want to be tired, I feel it's such a slippery slop into doing nothing an being unproductive, and that is a slippery slope into not accomplishing my goals, losing my chances of going to college, generally being a waste of a human being, and maybe becoming homeless. And I can't become homeless because I will have to lose my cats, and I love my cats and I never want to lose them like that. And I don't want to have to go live with my Mom, because She is so oppressive, but so nice,but so controlling, but so giving, but so confused. And so am I.
But it hurts in my side right now. And I'm feeling quite melancholy, and I feel like I'll never learn how to love another human being. And that maybe I have cancer and I won't be able to have children. And no one wants to touch me, and Am I bad? Am I good? I don't want to hide anything it always hurts so much, and I don't want to play sneaky games of malice and the "laws" of attraction.
So I can't help but to notice how interrelated, Diet, Behavior, Emotions, Environment, and state of mind have to do with the body. Because the pain in my side hurts, and I am simultaneously getting sad. There is some connection. There is some connection to Christianity and feeling guilty and sinful for having sex to this Thing. There is some connection between drinking milk and eating bread to this Thing. There is some connection to drinking too much coffee and alcohol to this Thing. There is some connection to Attachment and the Thing.
I do miss going to the Mahayana Buddhist Center downtown. I feel sick from being here in DE. I must remember that however dark it gets in Olympia, it doesn't compare to whatever always makes me depressed here.
There is some connection in all of this.
I study chakras, I study nutrition, I study anatomy, I analyze cures and home remedies, because I don't believe in a medical system that treats symptoms, that spends money on finding new drugs to better desensitize your self, to your self, that better desensitizes your mind from your body. A system that forgets that we could use what we know to find the causes of problems, that makes it so I feel scared of spending the money that it would cost to even find out what it is I have. I feel scared to be alive in this world where to validate my own actions and awareness of my body, i have to yell and fight and scream and do constant research to provide certification to my own physical sensations, and my own consciousness of how my body feels.
I seek out others who want to study, this in-depth, without shelling out hundreds or thousands of dollars to large spiritual or semi-scientific based institutions that seems to all want to train their apprentices to feed more money back into the system.
In a world where it seems everyone is guiding all their actions by the goal to make money, or the fear that they won't have enough, or the greed to have more and more and more, I feel so strongly that i have to be personally against that. I don't want to work, but I will. I get confused when i have to show up at a certain time.
I am love and love has no time. I am a target. I am a wormhole. I am a free bird thing that flies. I am time. It is me. It is around but not around, and it weaves through me, as illusory as it is, i choose it. But it is hard my brain seems to not want to follow it any longer, more and more as the years go by, i feel loosened in life when I let go of time. I don't want a job. I will do work, Tell me what to do. It feels so bad to be somewhere at some time. It feels like a huge anvil hanging over my head about to crash down, but I have to keep moving, as it follows, but if I keep moving, at least I won't get smashed.
My body, a temple for my divinity. I have the power to move great winds, and love great things. My body, feels and wants to explore to move or climb and fall, and roll around in the dirt.
My body, the totality of my whatever-I-am-orNot in physical form. I am beautiful. We are beautiful and I don't believe in ugly.
And what strain I feel to be normal, to be older, to be taller, to be bigger, to accentuate my breasts so I am treated as an adult, so i am treated with respect, because in this world. Small equates to Youth. and Youth equates to Ignorance. And even the kindest and most open-minded of people seem to treat me like a toddler when I combine my natural smallness with my joyous childishness. Don't you see it ? Don't you see? I can't talk Sometimes and I can touch and play sometimes, and yes, you associate that with a Baby? And you associate that with not being interesting, even, annoying. So what do I do? I tell you, it hurts, but I can't tell how much of it is expecting you act like this. And this is why it's so scary for me to make friends with tall people who don't look young, because it feels like they will never respect me sometimes.
But really. I probably find it difficult to see myself as a knowledgeable, confident, pretty, secure real human being. Because I feel so strange and foreign. So what is it that I do? Well, I dress in ways that can't be associated to other trends, to excuse my self, I dress sexy, I dress elderly. So I talk using big words, so I learn when I cana s much as I can and I read, and I act serious. Sometimes I forget how to not act serious and I talk a lot, and try to reveal my mind, so you can realize I am real human being and I deserve respect. But what if I don't give myself that respect? In my constant search for a lover who will love all of me... When will i love myself enough to allow myself to be the child I feel inside? To change the world and respect Youth equally to any other form of life-expression? When will I stop judging your or my behavior, Is it perfect? is it perfect? Is it perfect? is it perfect? Is it perfect? Is it perfect?
I just yelled at my brother for staying inside all day and playing video games, I told him he looked sickly, and as if his, "soul and spirit were dying".
What is this? So too do i a judge myself?
I proclaim, i pray, for lack of judgment, and clarity in the feel of things.
One hand to the brim, no thought
Just skin.
sorry bunny
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