TomOrrow: I will finish my piece!
NURUPDATE2: Also what I've gathered is, love never just stops, maybe it flows, and the flow stops, but there is this like really long lasting drip. drop. drip. drop.
Alright also, people are fragile, and I'm vulnerable too, but we are all in different ways.
NURUPDATE: It does all work out! I am still trying! i didn't give up!
with all the ridicule thrown at you, and can you withstand these tomato stains?
I was preparing a piece to perform this month at the Trans Womyn Action Camp... it was supposed to be about bodies, anything to help people love their totally different and never bad bodies. Perhaps I can adjust the subject matter to include my feelings on loving multiple people at the same time.
I opened my head to it just recently in my life, in October, in September maybe.. but now, now that I have experienced "dating"(or whatever the kids call it these days) multiple people at the same time, I've come to the conclusion that it sucks and I never want to be involved in anything like that again. It seems simply like some sort of game to completely ignore one or more people, while assigning preference always to someone. This is and would be totally okay, if done with respect, but what is respect? And do any of us know how to give it? The idea is that you never suppress your feelings, yet release them through chosen mediums. Carefully. I guess. I'm just upset.. that the way I feel things could happen for me to be happy, are not.. And of course it never works like that. Happiness comes from inside. etc.
[tarsila wants to remind us here.. that none of these things are "hard" compared to situations like starving. i guess that is good to remember. but it doesnt make me feel less whatever. ]
okay. well but let me just continue. We are changing beings. Every moment is different. We seek some consistency. I seek some consistency. In the end, everything falls apart when you hold it. What was I trying to do? I was trying to be okay with everything.. I was trying to be honest. let flow. The changing waves are so quick. Time passes slowly for me. A month feels like a week. A year like a few months. My heart hurts and is heavy. Now every second, I am my mother too you know. I carry her heart in my heart. What was it? How did she get so sad? I've been trying to help her be happy my whole life, why is she depressed? Why can't she be happy with how much i love her? Or the sun? or the sky? Or the universe? Because she believes in those things, but they're never enough, and she seeks comfort, in things like houses. How can I compare her then? What is catching upon her? Is catching upon me, is when you come up to a rub, against the fabric of space-time, the grid, the thread-gill, little lungs like lines breathing. So yes as we stretch more and more lines to encounter. She must have had them all. What would she say? She would say, Nur, don't get yourself involved with anyone, because you're in school. But I am such a passionate lover.. not simply in the physical way. I want to care about people so hard, want to help them be happy.. yet, I supposes I am confused. I don't think you can help people be happy... I think it is hard enough to help yourself.
I loved a boy who is a girl. I loved a boy who is a boy. I loved a little girl in the sky on the clouds. I can't orient too many things at once. I wonder how hard it is for people who have trouble with sensory integration to think about multiple partners. Either way I am done with that. And it will be better and less messy, more wholesome, and safer. But I won't know what the future will be like, and as long as I continue to be passionate about what strikes me gorgeous.. go back to being old fashioned. go back for respecting someone on some ultimate level. I suppose that can include them seeing multiple people. I suppose that could include me seeing multiple people. But in the future I do not want to make that kind of choice separately, with secrets, and hiding things, and not bringing up preferences, so that some know and some do not know. I am just too much of a child to handle, seeing them whoever, myself maybe, on the floor side by side, next to a lover who doesn't know how to love. I too am irresponsible. But I am working very hard on removing habit from my brain. Jamyung reminded us that not only is meditation about concentrating on the breath, the flow, and letting thoughts come and go, but it can be about using your skills of analysis to make guided choices in life, also clear of stickiness to whatever degree you can. I suppose I feel too fragile to be involved in such highly evolved relationships. I would rather just become okay about letting myself be consensually affectionate with friends in a brotherly manner, and it not totally being something I add notion to. I would rather save myself from harm, and stretch myself in other directions. I do not know. I thought perhaps we were all moving towards poly-gones. But the fluidity goes in all directions. And I need respect. Acceptance. And mutual cooperative effort. Common ground. And most of all, no secrets, no hiding things. Because for some reason. i can read your mind with my laser eyes. I am not really kidding either.
I think I can see too much, and it is too much to handle. Until I can think a little less. Until I can de-focus, as well as focus, I cannot be bombarded by too much sensory stimuli. I cannot step into the fluorescent bulbed store bus home.
I step and it cracks from vision.
sarah told me sweet things about tree skin
the trees have eyes everywhere, but grounded, literally in the ground, they must be able to send it out. Claire said sweetly, she said
her legs do not release energy and that her mother is a conduit to send her energy back into the ground.
and a calm presses much like water
the weather dropped and the moon swelled, aside from our vision, in the sky, daytime
exceptional swells
delivering trembles, shaking the ground
windows like water
sky like light
cloud like earth
how much more space is earth, is there space for space on earth?
honor love respect plurality unity
lasers longer than rivers reaching far and wide even on the quantum scale
but especially stranding
i am no microbiologist.
know it all, try to.
glazed look over eyes speaks cataracts.
taking a cab home $11. I am tired.
But work is never over. It is relieving to appreciate the sky. Because it is around all the time.
*************************************************************************************
In other news. There has been a lot of synchrony this week. Ellie told me I could possibly go to Nepal with her over winter. And Claire said on a globe, she spun, and landed her finger in Nepal, and said I will GO HERE no matter where it is. Thank you circle. For being a circle, and ending just where you started.
She spun gold fingers through the circle and webbed strands of long forgotten pieced paths
will you believe me when the time comes? As I raise my hands to the earth and the sky?
all i want is to be warm yellow light that passes over everything.
the fingers one over the other flicking with spin time over the circle sphere, wrapping tenderly using subtle tendencies, and tendons thundering.
a strike is a bolt of light
there is nothing broken
and string so strong it shrink wraps over any circle
any day
wash away
water water water
wash away
circle gather
wash away
circle shatter
wash away
lightening flutter
wash away
day breaks and day begs
oh, wash away
I will sing the sweetest sounds today. I sing every where I go. I will sing and the sounds come out, to represent my total recognition of the magnificence of this universe, the unconditonal love and freedom. we are all a representation of creation. represent represent. sing out low and loud and soft and sweetly whisper shout let it strang out yur throat. open wide the backwards swallow.
open wide swallow out, like a breathing bird.
his fine feathers sift white yellow, brown, as the seasons tinge his coat
and i stand as tall as a thimble, beside him.
we stand serving.
tall as a thimble or a leaf
I feel a greater purpose. Part of it, is to recognize the beauty and realness of emotions. So when you freak out, I can understand, been there before. But to also learn and cooperatively learn to take ourselves out of this kind of suffering.
when want and desire bleed out
i will arrange to marry myself to my soles
bump the heels click.
wax scultpure. rip.
i love you.
i love you so hard.
so there are positives and negatives to that.
but when you open your lungs, you are inside
circularly breathing, and the polarities, are simply a movement of energy
so
[hope fiend hope fiend hope fiend]
sorry bunny
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