everything is so innocently beautiful. i really love the early morning light. right now i am writing as I am doing. i feel when i feel like this: just such an incredible amount of respect and honor for all life. the way the sun hits buildings. my drunk friends smash against the cafe window. i am alone. the barista. the weather sits by me. my heart is tender, as the early morning breath empties into the yet moist air. as a fog. as a mist under twilight red and pink eerie, and in its emptiness... form deluges. a love as spiked as soft as the glow from ah.. and the clouds pass over my mind. headless. horse. mon. ster,
POS. E.
so we ride train of thought poetry:
yesterday i was in a social situation i don't get into often. i was around people i perceived as having had more money than me. i did that thing I used to do, especially in highschool, where I hope they don't find out that i'm like, actually poor. i have homeless friends. and i am dirty. i can afford to buy $200 boots If I wanted though, or a plane ticket, I can give my mom more money than she ever makes.
i suppose part of it is jealousy. i know I'm not the kind of worker that gets a job saves money and buys a nice car. but i secretly want a nice car too. i loved my old volvo, but when she broke down that was it. what if my possessions could be more permanent? anyhow. it was like... well my friends from back home are pretty well off... but you know. what is the difference? and i think it is just my perspective. because when you already trust and are loyal to someone its easy to trust that their intentions are good no matter how they end up expressing themselves. but it takes time to know people. i am scared. tho. what if they find out im you know, really fucking humon. (uh.. like we all are Nur?)
and then i think of how nicely dressed people usually dont have random street kids come up to them. and whenever i dress nice its harder to make eye contact. i wanted to be what i am not. yes. sometimes i want to feel like i am no longer the poor girl in the class of rich white suburbanites who will grow to young adulthood and explain that I still have white privalege. NEW TOPIC
side note: my one friend who has no home, who iv'e connected to.... I'm really worried about her. I think she is on meth, but in denial. I think she's been repeatedly trying to hurt herself. and i want to know who is there for her. what social services can i get for her? and where could i bring her... I mean you all realize that being homeless is partially a choice? Maybe a choice for a good reason, but none the less, i can't help someone for themselves. i can't tell someone what to do. I just pray wish upon a star she gets better. Until i can try to figure out others who can help me. I don't wanna be like, your lifestyle is not healthy etc. Thats bullshit. I just wanna be like, I am really worried about you and maybe if we concentrated on you getting better.. i dunno. you know how some people just seem special. and now is covered up, but i can still tell she's special.
but thats one side. the other side is she has become needy. and even though is dear, only ask me to do things and change my plans for her. but knows i wont. i guess. i do too many things that cost money. doing things that cost money is a major separator it's like trying to go into a bar, with your under 21 friend, and having them wait outside.
pray for the ones young and in the world who need to become their own parents. help them find guidance, and help their guides and them find strength.
In other news, my ex boyfriend will be having a baby in september! I hope it goes well. I am glad I love them all dearly now.
Lets see... Sam Shine is maybe moving to olympia. he found out they have an aerial studio here. And he wants to mix his performance skills with mine.
This summer is all about self-worth and activity. Making stuff. Seeing things. Mountain love.
okay all SYSTEMS GO
if youre reading this I HOPE YOU HAVE THE BEST DAY EVER! and let go of stuff mmmm
MMMMM yay
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